AIBU to want one lie-in on my husband's days off?

For most of (written) human history life was full of suffering and hardship for both men and women. Women had less rights and power than men in the past.

I can also imagine a job where working 16 hour days is harder than parenting. I work much shorter hours than this, full time and would much much prefer to go back to full time parenting my baby. However during the newborn phase sleep deprivation is unmanageably hard. It’s torture. Sometimes this lasts an extended amount of time. You hit breaking point.

Managing to not get fired for underperformance as your entire family relies on you financially, is also no small matter. Worrying about being fired and losing all your income, the ability to pay mortgage or rent, utilities and food for your partner and baby, while never quite getting enough real sleep or rest to do well at your job can be very difficult. It depends a lot on the job. She can’t get fired, so doesn’t have this same issue.

Sleep deprivation however can drive you crazy. A mental health breakdown for either parent also won’t benefit the baby or family.

If they are both really struggling for sleep and it’s not working then I would immediately look at whether he can start applying for different jobs with a lower number of hours.

That’s not two important things, it’s one important thing.

Financially supporting the family represents the entire value proposition of working full time here. If he wasn’t generating any money with it, eg he was volunteering 16 hours a day, then obviously the solution would be to quit.

Your earlier repeated references to women managing throughout most of human history needs the little addendum that throughout most of human history, women have been subservient and abused.

I don’t think parenting is harder if you’re at home. I do think working full time (and in this case very long hours) is harder.

Parenting is a choice now. We have modern technology so the household chores are a lot easier to do. You don’t even have to go shopping if you don’t want to as there’s online shopping. Why does this generation find it so much harder? It was much harder in the past before birth control, mod cons, supermarkets and internet.

I feel like I keep repeating myself, but in this instance with the husband working such long hours, I don’t think it’s selfish of him to have two lie ins a week. The OP does have it easier as she doesn’t have a boss. deadlines, and targets to meet. She has their baby to look after and she can choose to do as much or as little as she wants each day.

@6ate9 It's hard for us to believe you're genuine because most people can easily imagine a world where parenting 24/7 is harder than going out to work. It's a bit odd that you seem unable to..

The insults always come out whenever you don’t agree. This is my opinion on this post. I’m not going to change it because people don’t like it!!

The fact that two parents can be tired at the same time for different reasons has just gone over her head completely.

I have not been horrid to the OP, I just don’t agree with her. I am not going to agree just because I’m a woman!! The OP’s husband deserves his two lie ins on the basis of his insane working hours.

It’s less stressful not having to work. So many women on here are always complaining that they do so much more than their husbands/partners. In this instance, the husband is working incredibly long hours. Men just can’t win!!

A few weeks ago another poster complained that her husband did nothing apart from working full time and financially supporting the family. About 3 pages of posts were about how awful this man was. I was the first poster to point out he was doing two very important things (working full time and financially supporting the family) which enabled the woman to be a SAHM. Some posters got cross with me then.

Quite. Just being a contrarian little stirrer.

What does he do that he works 16 hours a day. Does he actually work or is a lot of it presenteeism?

It isn't about not agreeing with me... its about how horrid you are being about a tired mother asking for a few hours kip from the father of her children and all the reasons under the sun why she should be a martyr.

Just because I’m not going to agree with you, doesn’t make me a troll!!

Ah come off it.
You have got to be a troll

But she isn’t having to go out to work. It isn’t the same when you know you don’t have the pressure to perform well at work. Looking after a baby is easier in that sense. You can plan each day how you like. You can sit down on the settee and rest while feeding the baby.

We don't know how long she's getting either.
We do know that she's tired and wants ONE lie in.

We don’t know if he’s getting less sleep than OP on his working days? When he’s working 16 hour shifts, we don’t know how long it takes for him to get home, unwind and fall asleep.

We don’t know what job the husband has? He might be in the medical profession which would rely on him having decent sleep. We just don’t know.

It really shouldn't need to be discussed that he would be an equal parent on his days off.... should it?

I wonder if any of this was discussed before they decided to have a child?

He isn't going to lose his job for getting up early ONE morning. He can go have a nap later if he needs it.

Obviously the OP loves her husband... it just doesn't seem to be reciprocated.

If he hasn't an issue with working the number of hours he does and therefore can't parent alongside that on his days off... thats an issue for him to sort out isn't it?

I see if differently. The one working needs to keep his job. From reading OP’s first post, I got the impression they have one baby. I obviously don’t know, but she hasn’t mentioned any other children.

If I was at home and my husband/partner worked really long hours, I wouldn’t begrudge him having two lie ins a week because I would love him and care about his wellbeing. I wouldn’t think he was being selfish.

I’ve said it earlier, it’s the number of hours he’s working.

I have. I also used to come home, have a small nap, do the school run before going to bed; then be ready to pick child up from school again. Trust me - shortening or rearranging one nap per week will not break him; but sleep deprivation will break his wife.
And that benefits no-one.

It's not unreasonable for him to have a lie in. But when you are a parent your needs come second. If your partner (irrespective of gender) says they are struggling and need ONE break... you bloody give it to them. It's basic respect for the person you apparently love.

Has anyone actually worked 16 hour shifts? If they have, you will know how exhausting it is. Sleep is a necessity if you’re working such long hours. Why is it considered awful that he has lie ins on his days off? If it was the other way around, I would think it was unacceptable if the man didn’t let the woman have lie ins.

It’s the sheer number of hours he works that is making me say all this.

OP has explicitly said on ONE of his days off. He works 5 days, has 2 days off. So the first day off he'd lie in (as he's going to bed later after getting off work). The next day it's fair that OP gets a rest if she feels.she needs it.

She may as well be a single parent and just claim CMS from him if he can't give her a few hours a week to catch up on sleep.