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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU: Is it unreasonable to consider another child when the first is autistic?

124 replies

SameIssue · 06/08/2026 16:36

Would one be unreasonable to want another child if the first born is autistic? Not complex needs autistic but still largely non-verbal (singular words based communication) requiring extra support. Both parents in a stable long term relationship with decent financial condition to support two kids.

(Bearing in mind there being no history of neurodivergence on either side of the family)

OP posts:
Nearly50omg · 06/08/2026 22:54

I have 4 children ALL with ND and all very different!! I adore all of them but my god it’s taken it out of me!! I’ve aged 3 times as fast because when you have ND kids if you’re a decent parent you put your all into them and there’s occupational therapy and thousands of meetings with schools, fights with councils to get funding and schools they need and then there’s the daily battles! Throw in children who don’t sleep and by the time you are 40 you feel about 100

FairViewRosie25 · 06/08/2026 22:55

My god son is autistic still got a first in his degree and lived away from home independently for 2 years. My god daughter isn’t and is currently doing her PHD after her masters

VoltaireMittyDream · 06/08/2026 22:56

‘There will be undiagnosed autism in the families somewhere. We often don't see it because it's all normal to us.’

This x 100. If I had a penny for every baffled SEN parent I’ve met saying ‘we don’t know where it came from - there’s no autism in our families, we’re all physicists and engineers’

FairViewRosie25 · 06/08/2026 22:59

Adding to this my daughter is ND got to uni diagnosed in her second week as ADHD is flourishing is now in her 3rd year got a house share all arranged by herself. Took her back yesterday as she wants to be with her friends over the summer

x2boys · 06/08/2026 23:00

VoltaireMittyDream · 06/08/2026 22:56

‘There will be undiagnosed autism in the families somewhere. We often don't see it because it's all normal to us.’

This x 100. If I had a penny for every baffled SEN parent I’ve met saying ‘we don’t know where it came from - there’s no autism in our families, we’re all physicists and engineers’

Not always genetic doesnt always mean its been inherited

perlesoup · 06/08/2026 23:02

Unpopular opinion here but when everyone is looking at it from the POV of parenting 2 autistic children, managing with 2 autistic children, coping with 2 autistic children, nobody is thinking about the effect and existence of another potential child. If I had known there is no way I would have had more children. That’s not to say I don’t love them, but their lives are hard. Really fucking hard. I carry a lot of guilt for bringing them into the world just to suffer. Like I said I had no idea until it was too late, but please consider how the potential child would feel, not just the parents.

VoltaireMittyDream · 06/08/2026 23:08

x2boys · 06/08/2026 23:00

Not always genetic doesnt always mean its been inherited

Sure, but anecdotally, pretty much everyone I’ve met who has autistic DC without intellectual disability has some family history of neurodiversity (broadly defined) - a schizophrenic uncle, a grandmother with a ‘nervous condition’, a cousin who’s a hoarder, etc.

TrainyWainy · 06/08/2026 23:10

Yes, I wouldn't bet my house on him being thr only ND one in the whole family OP!

RobertaFirmino · 06/08/2026 23:12

It's a gamble and this is a human being we are talking about here. Not an accumulator at William Hill. Your first priority should be your existing child's needs. Not your wants.

NattyKnitter116 · 06/08/2026 23:26

I started trying for number two just before a HV suggested getting DC assessed for autism. I immediately stopped trying and thank god that I didn’t get pregnant in the 3 months I was trying.
I wasn’t able to work more than very part time until son could travel independently at 15, and after his father left, I relied on top up benefits for many years as zero access to affordable childcare.

as it was, I think I did a decent job if parenting him and ensuring our life was balanced and rich in experience if not material things.
I don’t think I would have managed all that as well if I’d had another to deal with and in fact there is no way I could have safely achieved that.

also ‘no history of ND in the family’. There usually is, it just may not look like your son’s version! You may start seeing it in wider family or even yourselves as he gets older, it’s a very common experience!
unless you are really prepared to deal with two on the spectrum and in a position to give up work if you have to (and accept you are 80% more likely to divorce) and could end up home educating, then id give it a swerve. If you want a companion for your son get a dog.

NattyKnitter116 · 06/08/2026 23:41

VoltaireMittyDream · 06/08/2026 22:56

‘There will be undiagnosed autism in the families somewhere. We often don't see it because it's all normal to us.’

This x 100. If I had a penny for every baffled SEN parent I’ve met saying ‘we don’t know where it came from - there’s no autism in our families, we’re all physicists and engineers’

🤣 so true

TheBlueKoala · 06/08/2026 23:44

SameIssue · 06/08/2026 22:46

That third last paragraph has hit particularly hard, thanks for sharing!

Yes, I think it was very insightful as well. And that's exactly how I felt with ds2 who's nt. Finally I got to feel like a decent parent with a well behaved child. I had lost confidence with my first thinking that it was my lack of parenting skills that made my firstborn so "difficult" - even though autistic I still felt that his behaviour was a reflection of my shortcomings. With ds2 everything was just so easy and it was so nice to be able to not have to supervise every social interaction closely everywhere with him. Being a parent to a nt child is so easy in comparaison.

VoltaireMittyDream · 06/08/2026 23:49

ETa: this was meant to be a reply to @perlesoup

I think you can only sensibly look at it from the POV of the parent’s experience, though, because nobody can answer for someone else whether they’d rather be alive with all their struggles, or not have existed at all.

It is so, so, so, SO hard to see your DC struggling though. I get it.

Bringing any child into the world is always a gamble - I think you just don’t realise how much of a gamble until you have a child with complex needs, and the buck stops with you, and you have to find the strength every day to keep doing your best for them even when nothing seems to make anything any better.

I had years of infertility, many miscarriages and a full term stillbirth before DC came along, and DH and I had lots of conversations about whether this was natural selection in action, and the ethics of bringing a child into the world when something was clearly a little bit genetically unusual about us, either individually or in combination.

But we had full karyotyping, and at every turn we had genetic testing of the embryos, and medics kept saying it was just a freakish run of bad luck: common trisomies that aren’t heritable, a cord accident that caused the stillbirth. That it was unscientific and frankly macabre to believe there was any reason we wouldn’t go on have a perfectly healthy baby.

I think we have such an idealised, sanitised, medicalised, grandiose idea these days of what maternity and parenthood should be like, we forget how much science still doesn’t really understand, and how much risk there is in every element of it.

friedaklein · 06/08/2026 23:52

Have an un-MNety hug @VoltaireMittyDream. ( great name)
And everyone else on this thread. You are all incredible parents.

friedaklein · 06/08/2026 23:52

Have an un-MNety hug @VoltaireMittyDream. ( great name)
And everyone else on this thread. You are all incredible parents.

BleeBlahBlue · 06/08/2026 23:54

I'm from a family full of autistic people and, as you can imagine, we've collected a lot of 'quirky' friends along the way.

I honestly can only think of one family where the youngest child does not have higher care and more challenging needs than the second.

Getalittle · Yesterday 00:11

This thread has made me take a deep inhale, reading about all your experience of parenting ND children and how it resonates.

The poster who said she had contemplated taking her own life- I feel you and thank you for sharing. And the poster who said friends will leave. I feel that too- I’ve only one left as I don’t think friends can really get why it is so difficult. One friend left as she was having fertility issues and I think couldn’t cope with my situation, or that I couldn’t hide that I was going through hell at times.

Oh and the poster who mentioned dumping unprocessed shame- gut punch.I need to work on this.

I had a miscarriage when my child was 3. I didn’t know she was autistic yet but I had an inkling something was up. I often feel relieved that I didn’t have that second child I so longed for at the time and was unable to conceive another. I think it worked out for the best as some days I’m just hanging on.

autistic dd often warns me never to have another baby anyway as she is very clear she does not want a sibling!

Specialneedsnightmare · Yesterday 00:27

I absolutely wouldn't and am thankful I didn't.

Happiestathome · Yesterday 01:14

I have 2 children, both autistic. I did not know my first born was autistic until she was much older, having had my second already. My second born was higher needs and the younger years were incredibly tough. They are both very different children. I can’t say it hasn’t taken a huge mental toll (and financial) - it has! I would have liked 3 children, after a gap, but it was very clear my youngest would not have coped with a younger sibling at all. It’s a really hard decision. I will say, I love my two to bits and wouldn’t be without either of them.

sparrownetsuke · Yesterday 02:52

I had my second child before the first child was diagnosed. I also had miscarriages and a stillbirth. Genetically the kids and I share a deletion with the implications unknown. DH has a ASD diagnosis now as well but doesn't share the deletion.

DS1 was a beyond difficult child. Very intelligent but OMG challenging. He now lives alone with support workers coming in to support him. I still have a lot of involvement in keeping his life working.

DS2 was a very very placid baby. He's diagnosed with ASD, intellectual impairment and has severe medical challenges as well. When he leaves home (if) he will need 24/7 care.

If I had known then what I know now, I'm not sure I would have had another baby. It's not an easy decision.

JustMeSimply · Yesterday 03:16

It didn't stop me, my parents had 4 2 of us are different types of autistic 2 aren't. Nobody ever had it before..with my own 3 out of 9 are autistic yet both me and dh are autistic so kindof thought maybe all would have different versions but no

SuddenlyBecoming · Yesterday 03:52

No one can answer for you as all of our lives are different to yours. What I would ask though is why?

That's for you to answer yourself but why is the most important thing, what are you hoping for in having another. Can you cope with having another child with the same needs as the one you have? What role will the child take on?

My friends oldest child is autistic and she decided to have another child following her first. The second child was not autistic however as she has grown up she has fallen into the role of caring for her older sibling and almost being a 3rd parent.

I'm making no judgement but only to point out this is another potential outcome that in my friends case is causing her currently great anxiety.

Treetreetreetree · Yesterday 04:37

My school has a high proportion of children with ASD and there are a lot of siblings within that group. At a rough 4.38am guess I would say 7 sets of siblings with ASD.

PDAalltheway · Yesterday 04:40

I deeply love both my children but if I knew then what I knew now, I wouldn't have had a second child.

DC1 was hard work but things were fairly manageable. DC2 had higher care needs. We managed okay for a while because I was a SAHM and home educated, and DH did a well-paid job and because the DC got on well.

It all fell apart when DC1 hit adolescence and no longer wanted little sibling tagging along. Various factors pushed DC2 into a multi-year burnout, becoming nocturnal, unable to leave the house, needing me 24/7. This had a huge negative effect on DC1. Both became violent and destructive. Both feel permanently neglected and they literally fight for my time & attention.

I've lost all my friends and contact with half my family and I get zero time off (plus I also have to be on a nocturnal schedule). I work at least 18 hours a day looking after them. My health is wrecked.

My marriage has only just survived, after 18 months where it was rare for DH and me to get as much as 5 minutes' uninterrupted time together.

I hate feeling that I'm never adequately meeting either child's needs and never getting my own basic needs met either. I had wanted more children but it was clear after DS2 that there was no way we could have managed any more.

LittleRobins · Yesterday 06:29

I have two autistic toddlers and my life is hell. I’m currently suffering from what I can only describe as a complete breakdown. We had them close together so had no idea about the eldests diagnosis when I fell pregnant. I adore my children but I am killing myself trying to meet their needs. If I had one it would be 100x easier. They both need one to one attention to stay safe, let alone learn anything. It’s constant guilt for not being able to meet their needs.