Page 35 | Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

Devondigspigs · 2026-08-06T10:27:02+00:00

Well, I know I haven’t been deliberately unreasonable but honestly no idea what to do. me (34) and DP (34). The start of the relationship was turbulent - he had recently been made redundant and got a new role, but had also come out of a relationship that ended sooner to ours starting than I knew (no cheating, but instead of 6 months apart as I thought, it was a lot less). He clearly wasn’t over this and bad at hiding it. This paired with him letting me down at a work event meant last summer (2025) I broke it off. A month later he came back wanting to try again, we took it slowly and got back together. It has been great since. FF to Saturday. He has a room of big bookshelves which are getting replaced with fitted cupboards so books taken down. At the end of the day, there was a notebook left on the floor that had been stacked in the shelves. I picked it up and a list fell out, my name was on it so I looked and it was purely all my bad points, or perceived ones. Eg - very anxious about non existent problems, works too much, not conscientious with money. All of these are fair points, harsh to see them written down (I would argue I’m just not tight re money). but the things that really stung were appearance based. On the list was just don’t fancy her - could be weight (I’m a size 12 so I’d say bang average - my bmi is lower than his), could be fried hair, possibly strange postire… you get the picture. what also hurt was “head not in it, not sure she’s got any depth”. I tried to be open and was often met with walls. It also said “not sure I’m proud of her” the list was on the torn out date from mid dating last year, when things were bad and before we broke up. now, my issue is what do I do? I shouldn’t have picked up the notebook and read the list. It’s clearly a journal/diary from the cover. I didn’t realise this until I saw the page, and couldn’t stop reading at that point. but also, what to think? If this was a year ago I would be gone, but things have been amazing since the break up. Everything I could have asked for - he lives an hour away and makes a lot of effort, compliments me etc. even comparing it to a year ago I had no idea the problem was that he didn’t fancy me - there was never an indication of that. I’ve accidentally done something bad, and been hurt, but I don’t want to throw away the relationship now as it’s been so good. But also: is this an indication of how he truly feels? Could it have been written in turbulent emotional times and his views have changed? please be gentle - I’ve been mulling this for days!

EmailsaysOOO · 09/08/2026 20:12

I probably couldn't get over that..you'd have to find him amazing in some other way and I just can't imagine it.Sorry OP. You'll have to have a proper talk about it with him
.

Justthethingsthatyoudointhisgarden · 09/08/2026 20:19

You are wasting your time explaining things over and over to complete strangers. You need to sit down, tell him you found the list and read it. Ask him if he still holds the same views. Tell him how it has made you feel. You know, actually speak to him about it.

For what it's worth, my husband has several very annoying characteristics, as do I. We love each other so ignore them (for the most part) as the good outweighs the bad.

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 09/08/2026 20:30

Itchysidefoot · 09/08/2026 20:07

The Op quoted a post and said she didn’t like the last line and that was the line I posted about - the last line!

there was no mention of that weird comment about sexual crude obsession on the post the op quoted

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There was - it WAS the last line!

You have to click on 'show more' to see the full quote.

Itchysidefoot · 09/08/2026 20:39

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 09/08/2026 20:30

There was - it WAS the last line!

You have to click on 'show more' to see the full quote.

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oh goodness I have been thick!!! I didn’t scroll down!!

QuintadosMalvados · 09/08/2026 20:41

People come to aibu to ask complete strangers for their take on their situation. A lot of the time it's is be cause their dh is being a shit.

The person who has upset them has done something that the person replying considers to be heinous and beyond the pale.
They think 'why are they (the OP) putting up with this?'.
They, as politely as they can, say the reasons why they think the OP may be accepting that behaviour.

Oftentimes, though, the OP fixates on the well-meaning but blunt posters who do not tell her what she wants to hear instead of discussing the situation with the dh who caused the issue.

Effectively, the posters who disagree become some kind of scapegoat.

Itchysidefoot · 09/08/2026 20:43

QuintadosMalvados · 09/08/2026 20:41

People come to aibu to ask complete strangers for their take on their situation. A lot of the time it's is be cause their dh is being a shit.

The person who has upset them has done something that the person replying considers to be heinous and beyond the pale.
They think 'why are they (the OP) putting up with this?'.
They, as politely as they can, say the reasons why they think the OP may be accepting that behaviour.

Oftentimes, though, the OP fixates on the well-meaning but blunt posters who do not tell her what she wants to hear instead of discussing the situation with the dh who caused the issue.

Effectively, the posters who disagree become some kind of scapegoat.

what are you actually suggesting the Op do? I’m not clear.

I agree that this relationship seems to have no legs and concerning that 9 days later the Op still hasn’t felt like she can communicate with him - but I’m not clear really what you’re suggesting the Op do

QuintadosMalvados · 09/08/2026 20:44

Oldandnonethewiserlol · 09/08/2026 19:58

You are within your rights to have your opinion just like I have mine SO scroll ON if you don’t agree with someone else’s comments in answer to OP’s query. Married 54 years here and have gone through bad patches with my husband at various times throughout these years. IMO, nothing is ever black and white when 2 people first get together and live together coming from different households and beliefs. Wishing you and OP a happy life.

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Lovely comment.
Yes I agree but I think his actions are beyond the pale.

QuintadosMalvados · 09/08/2026 21:00

Itchysidefoot · 09/08/2026 20:43

what are you actually suggesting the Op do? I’m not clear.

I agree that this relationship seems to have no legs and concerning that 9 days later the Op still hasn’t felt like she can communicate with him - but I’m not clear really what you’re suggesting the Op do

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Break up with him.
What else would I say? I think his actions are beyond the pale. I've been consistent.

If two people aren't married, no children, no property, not cohabiting and they're putting up with what I consider to be really awful behaviour you tend to think this man has some kind of hold over this woman.

It's not unreasonable to think that hold may be a sexual one in a romantic relationship.
Maybe I could have put it better. That's true, perhaps.

I'm not horrible I would never think or say this about a woman who had genuine obstacles in her path to leave.

But when they don't?

Itchysidefoot · 09/08/2026 21:03

QuintadosMalvados · 09/08/2026 21:00

Break up with him.
What else would I say? I think his actions are beyond the pale. I've been consistent.

If two people aren't married, no children, no property, not cohabiting and they're putting up with what I consider to be really awful behaviour you tend to think this man has some kind of hold over this woman.

It's not unreasonable to think that hold may be a sexual one in a romantic relationship.
Maybe I could have put it better. That's true, perhaps.

I'm not horrible I would never think or say this about a woman who had genuine obstacles in her path to leave.

But when they don't?

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Oh right… loads of us have said we think the Op should end it. Again.

Original poster

Devondigspigs · 09/08/2026 22:53

QuintadosMalvados · 09/08/2026 21:00

Break up with him.
What else would I say? I think his actions are beyond the pale. I've been consistent.

If two people aren't married, no children, no property, not cohabiting and they're putting up with what I consider to be really awful behaviour you tend to think this man has some kind of hold over this woman.

It's not unreasonable to think that hold may be a sexual one in a romantic relationship.
Maybe I could have put it better. That's true, perhaps.

I'm not horrible I would never think or say this about a woman who had genuine obstacles in her path to leave.

But when they don't?

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Never said I wasn’t going to leave him, not once at any point. Very empowering to pathologies saying im desperate for sex though? I feel like you’ve been hurt by a man in the past, but all (specifically your ) comments her smack of thinking you’re a pick me cool type who shits on other people to make you feel better about your own situation . Unnecessary even on an anonymous forum and not too different from the very subject of the thread.

i haven’t spoken to him yet as i am out of the country

OP posts:

Aria999 · 10/08/2026 00:22

I think you're in a very difficult situation and I don't understand why some people are being mean to you. I'm not sure what I would do in your shoes (other than talk to him and see how convinced I was by the response, which you were planning on doing anyway).

the harsh truth is that people do sometimes for various reasons try out dating people they're not really attracted to. I am not sure if I could get past having read those opinions even if they have changed now.

I think it's possible for attraction to grow over time and maybe that's happened here.

its also possible he was upset with you in the context of the trouble that led to the breakup and was trying to give himself some distance. Not everything people write in diaries is 100% true.

Itchysidefoot · 10/08/2026 06:13

Devondigspigs · 09/08/2026 22:53

Never said I wasn’t going to leave him, not once at any point. Very empowering to pathologies saying im desperate for sex though? I feel like you’ve been hurt by a man in the past, but all (specifically your ) comments her smack of thinking you’re a pick me cool type who shits on other people to make you feel better about your own situation . Unnecessary even on an anonymous forum and not too different from the very subject of the thread.

i haven’t spoken to him yet as i am out of the country

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You haven’t spoken to him at all since you read the note? But you were presumably at his house?

You live an hour away from one another and one of his many shitty negatives was that he thought you worked too hard… how often do you see him? Have you ever, for example, been on holiday with him?

QuintadosMalvados · 10/08/2026 06:52

Devondigspigs · 09/08/2026 22:53

Never said I wasn’t going to leave him, not once at any point. Very empowering to pathologies saying im desperate for sex though? I feel like you’ve been hurt by a man in the past, but all (specifically your ) comments her smack of thinking you’re a pick me cool type who shits on other people to make you feel better about your own situation . Unnecessary even on an anonymous forum and not too different from the very subject of the thread.

i haven’t spoken to him yet as i am out of the country

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Why are you taking this as me saying you're desperate for sex? I don't think anybody would take it that way.
Especially as I've taken the time now to explain it.
I'm sure you can get sex with other men.
I'm saying that you are deeply sexually attracted to him and that might be a barrier to you breaking up with him. Why's that unreasonable?

I don't think you understand what a pick me girl is.
If anybody is being pick me here it is you for staying with this man.
Though I do not consider this to be a pick me situation.

Are you saying all posters here are pick-me types if they disagree with you? *All of them?!
I'm not clear about that.

Do you not have phones, zoom, facetime in your country?

You really could have talked to him about this by now.

All you are doing by specifically targeting me, I feel, for your criticism is just proving my point that I made last night.

I don't think you've got a good relationship really, it's romantic and sexual but not stable and good.
You know he's a liar, you say he's selfish, unreliable.

You're insecure in it but you don't want to rock the boat.
That's not a good relationship.
Anybody in a good relationship would have spoken out there and then.
Like hey Dave what the f* is this?

Now please do yourself a favour and talk to him or dump him.

I'd do the latter.

You're hurting and I have sympathy for you.

QuintadosMalvados · 10/08/2026 07:04

Itchysidefoot · 10/08/2026 06:13

You haven’t spoken to him at all since you read the note? But you were presumably at his house?

You live an hour away from one another and one of his many shitty negatives was that he thought you worked too hard… how often do you see him? Have you ever, for example, been on holiday with him?

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I believe she was at his house.
I believe in a good relationship that feels secure, safe and equal a person would say,
'hey what the heck is this? ' at the time of discovery.

Itchysidefoot · 10/08/2026 07:08

QuintadosMalvados · 10/08/2026 07:04

I believe she was at his house.
I believe in a good relationship that feels secure, safe and equal a person would say,
'hey what the heck is this? ' at the time of discovery.

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Agreed

the Op hasn’t clarified what actually happened. Did she storm out? Go very quiet? Did he notice something was wrong?

QuintadosMalvados · 10/08/2026 07:24

Itchysidefoot · 10/08/2026 07:08

Agreed

the Op hasn’t clarified what actually happened. Did she storm out? Go very quiet? Did he notice something was wrong?

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If she had stormed out or been quiet, in a good relationship you'd think he'd notice and be wanting to know what's wrong.

If I was really into someone I'd be wanting to know what was going on if their mood suddenly shifted.

The answer though is I don't know what she did.
Maybe she is a good actress and revealed nothing.

DraigCymraeg · 10/08/2026 10:26

Devondigspigs · 09/08/2026 22:53

Never said I wasn’t going to leave him, not once at any point. Very empowering to pathologies saying im desperate for sex though? I feel like you’ve been hurt by a man in the past, but all (specifically your ) comments her smack of thinking you’re a pick me cool type who shits on other people to make you feel better about your own situation . Unnecessary even on an anonymous forum and not too different from the very subject of the thread.

i haven’t spoken to him yet as i am out of the country

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Excellent response.
What a nasty comment from somebody who clearly has a sad, mean existence.
You take care my love. xx

PinkMagpie · 10/08/2026 10:39

OP, I’m going to go against the grain and say you won’t gain much from talking to him about it. He is hardly going to say, “well yes I’m not attracted to you, you have no depth and I’m not proud of you.”

He will find some way to explain it I’m sure, or
he will try to reframe it as you invading his privacy by reading it. I think what matters is how you feel about it yourself. Can you get past it or will it be playing on your mind?

Original poster

Devondigspigs · 10/08/2026 11:07

PinkMagpie · 10/08/2026 10:39

OP, I’m going to go against the grain and say you won’t gain much from talking to him about it. He is hardly going to say, “well yes I’m not attracted to you, you have no depth and I’m not proud of you.”

He will find some way to explain it I’m sure, or
he will try to reframe it as you invading his privacy by reading it. I think what matters is how you feel about it yourself. Can you get past it or will it be playing on your mind?

this has articulated better than I did what I was trying to get at - I can tell what he’s going to say already but don’t know if ill ever get past it, even with deep reassurances or explanations.

on other points further up thread - I’m away for work and it’s a conversation that needs to be had in person. I didn’t raise it at the time because in the past, I’ve regretted having an immediate emotional response to things. I’m also vulnerable to being comforted and told everything is okay in the moment before I’ve had chance to fully process how I’m feeling which leads to endless rehashing of the issue

OP posts:

Original poster

Devondigspigs · 10/08/2026 11:10

QuintadosMalvados · 10/08/2026 06:52

Why are you taking this as me saying you're desperate for sex? I don't think anybody would take it that way.
Especially as I've taken the time now to explain it.
I'm sure you can get sex with other men.
I'm saying that you are deeply sexually attracted to him and that might be a barrier to you breaking up with him. Why's that unreasonable?

I don't think you understand what a pick me girl is.
If anybody is being pick me here it is you for staying with this man.
Though I do not consider this to be a pick me situation.

Are you saying all posters here are pick-me types if they disagree with you? *All of them?!
I'm not clear about that.

Do you not have phones, zoom, facetime in your country?

You really could have talked to him about this by now.

All you are doing by specifically targeting me, I feel, for your criticism is just proving my point that I made last night.

I don't think you've got a good relationship really, it's romantic and sexual but not stable and good.
You know he's a liar, you say he's selfish, unreliable.

You're insecure in it but you don't want to rock the boat.
That's not a good relationship.
Anybody in a good relationship would have spoken out there and then.
Like hey Dave what the f* is this?

Now please do yourself a favour and talk to him or dump him.

I'd do the latter.

You're hurting and I have sympathy for you.

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I don’t know where you’ve got that I’m deeply sexually attracted to him and that is the reason I won’t break up with him. We have a level of emotional and practical enmeshment you’d imagine from a medium term relationship. I love him and we both have eyes to the future and next steps, including moving in together. Prior to this I had no cause for any doubt over the future.

i think you’re projecting how you’ve felt about men onto an anonymous thread on Mumsnet, which honestly comes across as unpleasant. Yes, it’s an anonymous forum but why choose to be a prick? And I’m picking out your comments specifically as yours are the unpleasant ones.

OP posts:

QuintadosMalvados · 10/08/2026 11:44

Devondigspigs · 10/08/2026 11:10

I don’t know where you’ve got that I’m deeply sexually attracted to him and that is the reason I won’t break up with him. We have a level of emotional and practical enmeshment you’d imagine from a medium term relationship. I love him and we both have eyes to the future and next steps, including moving in together. Prior to this I had no cause for any doubt over the future.

i think you’re projecting how you’ve felt about men onto an anonymous thread on Mumsnet, which honestly comes across as unpleasant. Yes, it’s an anonymous forum but why choose to be a prick? And I’m picking out your comments specifically as yours are the unpleasant ones.

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It's not unreasonable to suggest that deep sexual attraction is a reason they won't split up.
If this is not the case, fine. Accepted.

Love sometimes blinds us to a person's faults, though.
He is a proven liar, selfish and unreliable.
These are your words, not mine.

Forget the list for a second. Is this the qualities you want in a long-term partner?
Selfishness, unreliability and prone to lying.

I'm not projecting anything onto you.
I'm happily married.

You've asked for advice. I think this guy's a piece of shit.

Now if you don't mind, if you've got nothing positive to say to my comment then please just ignore it.
I don't want to be involved in a situation of back and forth with you and I remind you that this thread, if you want genuine advice, is running out of time.

TwoBagsOfCompost · 10/08/2026 12:00

There seem to be a few posters in this thread who will not rest until the OP breaks up with her partner. What’s it to you?! You DO know that a stranger on the internet doesn’t have to make important decisions just because you instructed them to? A lot of the responses and the sheer insistence on here make me simply exclaim WTAF.

Poodlesanddoodlesnoodles · 10/08/2026 12:07

Maybe he thought you were going to dump him so he made a list of things he didn’t like so he wouldn’t feel so bad if you did dump him. I do this.

Original poster

Devondigspigs · 10/08/2026 12:22

This is the last time I am replying to you and honestly I wish I had the stoicism of personally not to but frankly I don’t.

I said he was selfish and unreliable in response to a poster asking if I’d done a list at the same time this was written, what would be on it. The point of that was that it was during the time I was breaking up with him and now, a year on, my feelings have changed. His qualities of being selfish and unreliable was why I ended things, but the marked change in his effort over these things is why I’ve stayed and it has been good.
yes, he wasn’t fully truthful about when he and his ex fully ended. Again, a contributing factor to why I originally broke up with him. A bad thing to do.

this is genuinely the last time I will say it but it’s fine saying a man is a piece of shit etc, but then blaming the hurt person for having conflicting feelings, asking for advice and then implying they have some bizarre sexual infatuation which means they won’t leave? I sincerely hope you’re kinder to your IRL female friends.

OP posts:

cabus · 10/08/2026 13:08

It's not easy to meet decent men, they usually start off great and rapidly go downhill. This one's done it the other way round.

I think you're wise to take your time making a decision OP.