Came across partners “cons” list about me. What to do

Only this 'loon' is saying what the majority are saying so not such a loon, eh? 😁

Ignore this loon. Utterly overinvested in this thread, multiple hectoring posts, loudly determined to dominate you, basically heckling you to force you to agree. Just ignore.

I really think you just need to have an honest conversation with him. If he is sincerely contrite, embarrassed, and able to say that these were not his true feelings then ok,. If he is defebsive, rude, or DARVO’s you and blames you for the lust then you cut the relationship iff.

I’m truly sorry if you’ve already answered this as I know you’re having to repeat things, but were you sleeping together at the time you were slowly breaking up? Because this was his attitude to you then, and if he was still having sex with you when he didn’t fancy - or frankly even seem to like you as a person - I also think that’s a problem even if he seems to like you now.

I think the list was genuinely written a year ago. However, he's probably a bit fed up of being the nice boyfriend and remembered the list and instead of getting rid of it as you would if you were really bothered about the relationship he's left it out either to put her in her place or get out of that marriage and children they've been contemplating.
If OP was my daughter I'd really struggle with what advice to give. I'd have a really bad feeling about it, but would worry about calling time on an apparently happy relationship.

Tbh, actions speak louder than words. I would genuinely judge him on how he's acted in the last year than what he wrote down during a time that was turbulent and he possibly not living in the present.

People write down as much crap as they say. The written word is no more or less honest or insightful.

Just to give balance, where there instances during that period when he did or said something and you've questioned whether you fancied him or liked him?

I think you will need to be honest about seeing the list. All you have is your gut instinct. The way he reacts I think will be the answer to whether you are able to put it behind you or not.

But fwiw, I do believe that attraction can grow. If he was on the rebound, it's likely that his head was elsewhere. And when you split up, he could have realised he'd been a fucking idiot.

I can imagine the transition from one person to another if you're autistic, is harder.

Good luck, whatever the outcome. X

Agreed. But why would he want her to find a list dated a year back if he'd rather make sure she confronts him? If he intended the list to be found by making it stick out of a book left behind that's neurotic enough but the old date makes it unnecessarily complicated.

Is he hoping she decides to keep it to herself and work on that list?

The most charitable view I can think of is that he was hurt and angry about the breakup (even though he was in full agreement with the breakup) and trying to convince himself that he didn't like you. That's why everything was listed on the negative side (ie no positives listed).

If I was in your shoes, it would be a red flag to me that:
(A) he talked about me like a horse he's about to reject at the marketplace. That is cold and dehumanising.
(B) he focused on my appearance and sexual attractiveness.
(C) he wrote, "I'm not sure I'm proud of her".

B and C, and perhaps A as well, are born from misogynistic thinking about women. That our looks are the most important aspect about us, and that he wants to show you off to other men as a trophy, to show that he is capable of pulling a better bird than them.

THIS is what would make ME pause: it reveals an underlying misogynistic thinking that usually goes hand in hand with problematic exploitative entitled "I'm the Prize" behaviours.

OP, obviously you should talk to him. And you shouldn't be defensive about you reading it, you found it accidentally and pretty much no one would NOT read something like that in that setting. You should not go into that conversation feeling defensive, he'll jump on that and might gaslight you into trying to ignore what he wrote.

I am sure he will earnestly assure you he was just angry/upset/bla bla and he doesn't think those things now. Lots of love bombing and assurances.

BUT what he wrote shows a misogynistic mindset. If you decide to give him another chance, keep your eye out. Don't fall too strongly, keep your wits about you.

I haven't rtft so apologies if this has been said already. But I'm amazed everybody thinks he accidentally left this out. This diary was the only thing left on the floor? - what a coincidence! Ripping out the page to draw your attention to it. And just to make really sure, he put your name at the top of the page!
Which suggests a tonne of messing with your head is heading your way.

Sorry OP I understand that it's a genuine dilemma when you've been loving the relationship for a year but when you say you need to know whether this was a fleeting opinion or a sustained one it does make you sound a bit desperate. If someone said they thought you were an awful person and they disliked you would you reply 'oh but do you always think I'm an awful person and dislike me?'

Surely the early days are when you're crazy attracted to each other? And that can grow into a deeper love and passion/attraction, or it can tail off. I've never heard of it going the other way in a full blown relationship. I know attraction can and does grow from initially dating someone, but you were in a proper relationship at the time he wrote that, yes? (Albeit one that had just ended or was just ending)

I agree with @QuintadosMalvados . You'll never get over this. It is slowly going to destroy you with the years. Some places you can never come back from.

Get out now while you are still young enough to go out dancing (although I'm almost 60 and I still go); have fun; and meet someone who loves you for yourself. The future with this list maker is grim.

I would never get over it. I would bin him to be honest.

Agreed, just talk to him.

Fucking hell that's awful. No way could I live with that. It's so cold and calculating and judgmental. It's like you're an object he's assessing. It's all about him isn't it? Coupled with the lying and the fact that you were a rebound relationship at a difficult time in his life I would say he is using you until something better comes along. You need to end things and move on with your life and consider how you ended up with someone so unpleasant.

edited to add - also in answer to your question, I don't think men do start to fancy someone that they didn't fancy before, especially men like this.

Using a woman for sex when you don't fancy her is certainly misogynistic.

The fact that he seems to - according to the OP- really likes her now does not change that fact.
(I'm not saying that you think it changes things at all but she may think that it does.)

This is all very angsty and you’ve been second guessing yourself constantly in what is still a very new relationship. At your age I’d be wanting better for myself.

A nice, decent autistic man would have dispassionately listed things about incompatibility such as you liking beach holidays and him liking walking holidays not crap about how your hair is fried and that he doesn't fancy you.

While I don't agree about it being a "misogynistic attack," it's a bit more than just "hair not great, not my usual type." He actually wrote out that he doesn't fancy her. The above items was him musing on why that might be. But to not fancy her, but carry on sleeping with her because it suits him, is the issue. To be able to do that - to use someone you're not attracted to because you get your balls drained, is horrible, and it does indicate a problematic attitude.

If you gain weight and become a size 16 or 18, will he still find you attractive, will he still love you? If you get ill and loose your hair or looks, will he stay with you? Will he support you?

I think context is really important here.
I'm sure that everybody could list a partner's physical flaws in a dispassionate way if pressed but hey I love them anyway.

I don't doubt that at all.

It's just the way he does it when he gets dumped.

I just imagine him sitting there angrily writing out all these nasty things about her appearance and not fancying her.

It's not a list where he says 'Likes to get up early, I don't so at least I can have a lie-in now' which would be fair enough.

I'd still think it childish and immature, though like who does this?
(A nice, autistic man perhaps?)

But at it wouldn't necessarily make him an angry misogynistic male.
This particular list, however, strongly gives me the impression that he is.

Oh do catch up. Not just lists, pro and con lists about sexual partners. OBVIOUSLY

Did you ever fancy someone you didn't fancy at first?

Yep. 100%. Very much in your partners position actually. I'd not long been out of a relationship and was feeling a bit down and met someone on a drunken night out who was clearly interested. In his group of mates he was sort of the 'underdog' (I'm not for a minute saying you are!!🤦🏻‍♀️) and they all said afterwards they were stunned he'd actually made a move AND successfully got my number because it just wasn't like him! I really wasn't feeling it, but he was different to any boyfriends I'd had previously, made an effort, was attentive with messaging etc. But there wasn't much chemistry and I didn't really fancy him. I remember sort of faking my enthusiasm in text messages to him thinking that ah well, it was something to do, and maybe I'd feel attraction if we met up again. Gradually it grew. He lived about 100 miles away so we did long distance and met up every 2 weeks, which grew to weekly, then twice weekly and eventually I moved down there. Absolute love of my life. We were deeply in love and one of those couples who everyone envied and friends and family on both sides knew how good we were for one another. Blissfully happy together, and both of us were happy to spend time together doing interests that alone we'd never have done, and would have baulked at the suggestion.

Alas, things eventually didn't work out. Its probably 20 years since we broke up, but he remains the absolute love of my life. I've been in brilliant, wonderful and fulfilling relationships since, but there was just something about him that made him the one that got away. Friends who already knew me back then will no doubt say he was also their favourite of my Ex's. But yes, when we first met I could easily have written a list like your DP did, with all the things I wasn't sure about. But the 4 years that followed would have torn any list to shreds.

I don’t think I could get past it tbh. Knowing that he didn’t fancy you, and was even trying to break down why, that would stick in my head going forward. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with our physical side anymore. And the bit where he says he’s not proud - that’s brutal. There hasn’t been a single day with my DP (together years) where I’ve thought those things, let alone written them down!

He seems so shallow. Yet had the audacity to write you had no depth!! Life is hard, aging is hard, I’d not trust him to stay invested at all.

I think what may happen OP is that you try to continue, and it limps along but is never the same. It can’t be. Then you’ll break up in years to come, either with children which is so hard for them and you, or without because you never felt sure enough to have them and you’re too old. Please value yourself. Two of my closest friends gave their last ten years of possible fertility to unpleasant-at-heart men before breaking up, and both deeply regret not doing it earlier.

He was maybe trying to gather an argument (to himself) to justify no longer seeing you/breaking it off. If there are is no pros column, I'd suggest that rather than weighing you up to see if you are a + or a -.
"Oh that God would give us the gift,
To see ourselves as others see us"