Also OP, at the moment, you're 'wallowing' in self pity.
I'm not saying it to be cruel, but you need to see that wallowing simply isn't ever going to help you ?
He keeps dumping you to hurt you, because it lowers any resistance from you about his horrible behaviours towards you? You're always afraid to disagree, or to confront him about what he's said or done that hurt you because you're always scared he'll dump you again.
He does this repeatedly, to destroy any healthy boundaries you try to assert, because you make it so easy for him by always allowing him back?
He's toxic. He's NEVER going to love & respect you in a way that's healthy, therefore there is NEVER going to be a 'happily ever after' for you with HIM.
It's impossible. It's a fantasy.
You need to stop with the self pity, and start thinking about why it is that you'd rather be miserable forever with HIM, rather than finding happiness with someone new?