DH's comment about my bikini has really knocked my confidence

These types of threads always attract post like these. Basically if you have a penis you’re automatically wrong and everything you say and do reveals another flaw. I’ve only ever seen character assassination like this on MN, but if it’s a reflection of the wider community, no wonder the divorce rate is so high. Men won’t be able to breathe without criticism soon.

Yes. Because that's how it seems to have been taken by OP. And let's be honest, negging women is all the rage. "Beauty standards" are used to beat us like a stick, to keep us undermined, especially when we are younger. A million negative micro expressions.

He definitely could've been more careful and considerate about how he said it, because it's such a sensitive subject - but I'm a little torn, because you did badger him into admitting it, instead of letting it slide. Then again, he didn't have to make that face, either - that almost feels like he's deliberately prompting you to ask.

A better move, if he really felt the need to say something, would've been for him to mention you might want to get a new bikini, as that one doesn't do you justice anymore, before the next holiday - not to say something in the middle of this holiday and put a damper on it for you.

Although, as my DH said (paraphrasing) when I asked him about this, "Why does he care if she's wearing a bikini that's a bit too tight if she's happy and he thinks she's hot? And is he seriously going to be embarrassed of her when they're in front of people they'll never see again? It's a bit pathetic."

I thought it was a good point - that he's sort of prioritised what (he thinks) other people might think, over and above OP feeling confident and having a nice time.

So we don’t know him at all but you’re perfectly happy to label him “an insecure little man using digs to slyly keep a woman in check”.

Whereas when my bloke tells me something I’m wearing doesn’t look great I totally appreciate it. I’m very happy that he’s saved me from the humiliation of other people thinking derogatory things about me.

The thing is though, the important thing, is how it made her feel. She knows him better than any of us (we don't know him at all). And he made her feel bad.

I refuse to invalidate her feelings. Occam's razor, it usually is what it looks like... Ie an insecure little man using digs to slyly keep a woman in check. Her weight, her dress, her thoughts, her feelings. No more. It's unacceptable. She's worth more.

I can’t decide if it’s a reading comprehension thing, or twisting it to fit the answer the poster wishes to give. All the dude did was say her bikini was digging in when pushed to say, and he did it kindly and said he’d want to know. But for some posters there was a whole other conversation that occurred, which the op didn’t share where he was slagging off her body

I think it's projection. I have no idea where people got the idea that he expects her to look "perfect." Nobody looks "perfect"- except maybe 0.0000000001% of the population, and even then we're talking supermodels. 😂

If he were body-shaming her, he'd have commented on her actual body, not her clothing. Clothes can be changed in seconds, so I don't think it's unkind to comment on them. And if something is a size too small and digging into you, it's probably uncomfortable as well as unflattering.

Then there are the comments implying that no woman wants to hear honesty from her partner. Really? Are we all supposedly so stupid and vapid that we only want to hear, "It's absolutely wonderful, darling," about every single thing we wear or say, like we're married to some creepy Stepford husband? 🙄

Ah, the bikini. Famously supposed to be so loose that it flaps off you... 🫪 No, wait, it's supposed to be tight?! You're allowed to reveal yourself in it. I bet you looked great.

He's nasty, it was a needlessly hurtful interaction. Maybe it's rooted in jealousy, he didn't want other men seeing how beautiful and confident you are.

You're supposed to feel desired and loved by your husband. I would ask him why he can't give you that? And take necessary steps to put yourself first.

Trust me when I say, as an older woman than you, that, in your twenties, you are absolutely beautiful. And no mediocre man should be given the power to tear that down.

i don’t think he was unreasonable. If he felt it looked bad or ill fitting it’s better he tells you than you be embarrassed later tbh.

Some of these comments are unfathomable, it’s like the op wrote something totally different to whay she actually wrote.

we’ve had everything from body shaming, commenting on her body, how you can speak full sentences with your eyes, not just convey a feeling, how he proactively told her, how he wants her to have a perfect body etc,

I can’t decide if it’s a reading comprehension thing, or twisting it to fit the answer the poster wishes to give. All the dude did was say her bikini was digging in when pushed to say, and he did it kindly and said he’d want to know. But for some posters there was a whole other conversation that occurred, which the op didn’t share where he was slagging off her body.

Agree with this. You thought it was right and so did he. Honestly if a husband and wife can't be honest about things like this then I think that's a bigger issue.

IME it takes a lot for a man to bother commenting on a woman’s outfit - positive or negative. So if my DH says sth isn’t flattering it'll never get worn again. I’m glad of the honest opinion and I wear sth else. OP I think you can be certain it didn’t look ok. Sorry if that hurts.

Stop torturing yourself OP. Your DH sounds like he loves you no matter what you weigh. It’s a subject that you are sensitive to so it’s bound to sting.

It sounds very much like he was more surprised than critical. I would be surprised too if a body conscious friend wore a bikini that was too small. Because let’s face it, regardless of the label size, if a bikini is tight it’s going to be pretty unforgiving on any body shape or size! It’s not a reflection on you personally, just an item that doesn’t look as good as it could. Hell, I’ve got clothes in a size 6,8,10 and 12 in my wardrobe. Different items look better in different sizes.

But would you want him to lie about it. It sounds like it was too tight and maybe didn’t look great.

I know with weight we’re all supposed to say someone looks amazing when they’re four stone overweight but it’s often a white lie. Maybe the DH is worried about how much weight the OP has put on - four stone is a lot especially when you’re short - and this might be a wake up call for her.

He was not a hypocrite unless he was also wearing a possible too small and possibly unflattering pair of swimming trunks. He didn’t say anything hypocritical.

Eh? he didnt tell the OP she ought to have a "perfect body" though did he?

He said her bikini looked too tight and like it was digging in. It was a comment about her clothing that didnt fit properly - I cant see any comment from him about the OP's actual body at all.

OP also said He said if he was wearing something that didn't fit properly, he'd want me to tell him.

Therefore, he isnt being a hypocrite because he said he wants her to tell him if she feels something doesnt fit him either.

Hypocrisy includes pointing out flaws in others that you possess yourself. Eg a less than ‘perfect’ body.

Whether you are big or small you need to wear clothes the fit the size you actually are. Someone who is very, very skinny looks as horrendous in clothes that are far too big as someone who is bigger and trying to squeeze into a garment that's far too small. The weather woman on TV in our area is very attractive but she squeezes herself into clothes that are at least a size too small. It must be so uncomfortable and it looks awful. If she went up a size she'd look fantastic. Id think the same if she was a man. I'm a 10 or a 12 depending on the shop I'm in. I'd never wear a 10 if it gave me a big tummy and looked too tight. I'd not choose a 12 if it sagged and fell off me without a belt. The same applies whatever size you are.

You both felt the exact same way about the bikini being tighter on you than it was when you originally wore it.

It seems you wanted him to pretend it didn’t look tighter and wasn’t digging in when actually, you knew for a fact that it was.
You wanted him to say you looked good in it as that would have boosted your confidence enough to enjoy wearing it.

Personally, I’d prefer the truth over the pretence. I would want to know I can really trust what my partner says. But we all different …and have different sensitivities, I know.

The solution is not to let this little incident get to you any more, don’t let it spoil any more of your precious holiday together.
Instead, treat yourself to some lovely new beach wear OP….bikinis, cover ups, shorts, sarongs etc.

I say if your happy in your bikini then wear your bikini, love yourself, love your body.

It’s a difficult one, OP. You say the bikini is a size 16-18 and you’re now a size 18 so it’s not wildly undersized. But as some other posters have said, i tend to size up because i don’t like clothes to be too tight.

I understand the principle that some posters have mentioned of “I will wear what I damn well like”. But not all clothing suits all body shapes and to me it seems a bit odd to insist on wearing something that doesn’t flatter. Many people are not well adapted for wearing skinny jeans, for example, but would look fabulous in bootcut jeans.

That is not to say that this bikini doesn’t flatter you – perhaps it does - but I think you will feel more confident in something that is a bit looser rather than an article of clothing which is constantly reminding you that you have gained weight. My weight has fluctuated a lot over the years from a size 10 to a size 18 (my current size) and lots of sizes in between, up and down and back since my 20s through to my now late 50s - not rapid changes, gradual ones. I would like to be lighter than i am now and am working on it. I think it is good to work on fitness if you can. But at each phase (including now), i have made sure i am wearing clothes which accommodate my size because i feel so much more comfortable in them and i look better in them.

I have a friend who expresses delight and total joy at whatever the thing is. " Oh I love your dress/ hat/ bag , you look lovely". I've known her for 40 years so I know when that's bollocks. I would never ask her opinion about anything to do with clothes because the response , whether I looked genuinely amazing or like sausage meat stuffed in a skin, would be the same. It has no actual value. Being kind means stopping someone you love going out in something that doesn't fit. There are so many people out and about these days who would have benefited from a full length mirror and an honest friend/ spouse. You admit you have put on a lot of weight. It is your choice to embrace the weight , and buy bigger clothes, or decide you hate it ( that seems to be your feeling ) and get rid of it.

Of course they can. Facial expressions say a lot without words…that’s how we tell people are lying, or happy or sad . Even the way people stand or move speaks. Body language and ‘tells’ . Even just a ‘look’ can speak volumes .
I looked at my kids, they’d stop fighting . I didn’t need to speak. Husband called it ‘your Princess Anne look’

Then she shouldn’t have asked. There appears to be an awful lot of reading comprehension difficulty throughout the thread. DH didn’t say anything until OP pushed for his opinion. He could have lied, but what would be the purpose when his words would have belied what was on his face ?

Again, if you have a dh and he gave you funny looks wouldn't you want to know why, especially when they follow up with 'nothing'. Thats as shifty as he'll.

There's nothing wrong with my reading comprehension. I can see she asked him why he looked at her funny. Of course he could have lied and i agree that wouldn't have served a purpose but to give funny looks in the first and not saying something there and then is just odd. Its even odder to say he didn't want her to be uncomfortable, surely she is the judge of that, and for saying he doesnt want her to look silly,again that's on her. Her perspective is fine, after all there are all shapes and sizes around a pool. If op was OK with herself that's fine.

OP, my DH once made thoughtless comments about my weight and it stung. I felt so hurt but it spurred me on and I lost the weight. Shifted about 4 stone and it felt good and I now I drop in the odd 'thoughtless comment' about his protruding belly to get my own back.