DH's comment about my bikini has really knocked my confidence

See I think this is a terrible take. I understand the body positivity movement, but being a healthy weight is not an unrealistic beauty standard, it should never be positioned as such, never the less, he didn’t mention her weight, he simply told her the bikini was too small for her.

she herself said it was tighter, she’s gained four and a half stones, and was initially a 10-12, she’s onky 5 foot 2, so like many of us when we gain weight could be in a bit of denial, as she’s more likely a 18-2o now, rather than just an 18 and why the bikini was too small,

im sure she’d look great in a bikini that fit, it’s nothing to do with beauty standards wearing clothing that fits.

He did the right thing telling you. You have an issue with your weight and you're taking it out on him. It would have been worse if he left you to parade around the pool, spilling out of your bikini. Sometimes the truth hurts. Maybe you can use this to do something about your weight so you feel comfortable with yourself?

I think if a photo had been taken, you looked back at it and thought to yourself 'gosh, that bikini looked too small', you'd then be thinking 'why didn't my husband tell me?'
From what you've said, it seems he wasn't saying it to be mean, insult or upset you. He was trying to be helpful. You're clearly very conscious of the weight you've put on and it's affecting your self confidence, he could have said it in the nicest possible way and I think it would have still hurt your feelings.
I personally would rather my husband tell me if something didn't look good on regardless or whether I've asked or not, in the same way I would tell him!

good news. you're not dead yet. you could lose the weight and join a gym or a self defence class.

the truth no matter how uncomfortable is better than a comfortable lie.

Someone who thinks they don't have to hear that they've hurt you because they didn't intend to (and that's often them lying to themselves or not understanding their own subconscious beliefs) is very emotionally immature.

Two things can be true at the same time - he wasn't trying to crush you (maaaaybeee), but he did nonetheless, and an adult would a. be able to deal with the fact that he'd crushed you without whining about how hurt he is and b. prevent himself from doing so in the future.

Very rude…..Tell him he is the wrong shape to wear budgie smugglers!

Sounds like you need to work on your confidence because of you felt completely confident in yourself you'd have just brushed it off.
Depends on the mood and his tone when he said it, honesty isn't always the best if it's going to upset someone, but was he aware you had a negative view of your physique 🤔

Oh my gosh. What a terrible take. It's the fault of unrealistic beauty standards and judgement of others not her weight. This comment just pikes on the shame, which we all know doesn't help.

The point is, you’re on holiday. Nobody else knows you. Probably nobody even has an opinion, and if they do, so what? You felt good in it, so that’s all that matters, and your husband probably looks nothing like when you first met either. Enjoy your holiday, wear the bikini 👙 and bask in the sunshine ☀️ I am so envious 🙂

I think you’re projecting some of your own insecurities onto what he actually said a little bit.

From your own account, he didn’t volunteer a criticism of your body or tell you to change. You noticed him looking at you differently, asked what was wrong, he initially said nothing, and you pushed him to tell you. At that point he gave you an honest answer.

I completely understand why “I’m surprised you’re wearing that” stung, and he could absolutely have phrased it more tactfully. But I don’t think it automatically means he thought you looked ridiculous or that you shouldn’t be wearing a bikini. That seems to be the meaning you’ve attached to it because you were already feeling vulnerable about your weight.

You’re completely entitled to wear whatever you feel comfortable and happy in at any size, but equally, if you press your partner to tell you what they’re thinking, sometimes the answer may not be the one you hoped for.

I’d chalk this one up to poor phrasing rather than cruelty, especially as you say he’s otherwise a good husband.

While I do understand how that can upset you and take you by surprise I can only speak from my perspective and say I would so rather my husband tell me. Like he's got my back. I do think there are better ways to say it, like my husband would usually follow up with something 'like why don't you take this morning to browse some nice bikinis in the shop we saw around the corner.' Like he would put it down to me needing to get myself something new and nice rather than focus on any changes in my body. I do think it's a good idea to discuss it either way.

Bless you. That would have upset me too. I've put on a LOT of weight in the last two years because of health issues and have no hope of dropping it, so I understand how sensitive that can make you feel. I don't think some men get that, because they haven't been raised to think what they look like in a swimsuit is somehow an indicator of virtue and value, like we've been told all our lives. They can (some of them! I'm sure plenty struggle too) know they're a bit fat and it's just a fact, like being a bit sunburnt, not something that affects their self esteem.

But she did ask. Repeatedly,

If he’s generally nice to you and is t usually a twat I’d take it that it’s looked very bad indeed and he was trying to stop you wearing something that other people may make comments on, if he’s is a bit nasty anyway then I’d dump him.

FWIW my DH has only ever once said to me ‘I don't think you should wear that’ and he was right, it wasn’t flattering but I’d lost sight of how much weight I’d put on, I didn’t take it personally, he was just trying to help.

You should be grateful that he cares enough about you to say. Had he said you looked fine then others with no manners would have stared or laughed. Perhaps he has helped you realise the amount of weight you have gained. You should apologise and thank him. And lose a few kilos.

This is a ridiculous stance, someone was upset so you have to apologise, regardless of what they're upset about? If she doesn't want him to comment on what she's wearing then that's a perfectly reasonable position but so is thinking that its kinder to tell someone, there's nothing to apologise about.

so you’d rather the people you trust most like to you whether blatantly or by omission?

Just a big shame that he said anything as you were clearly feeling good about the way you looked!This would definitely be the sort of thing my Husband would do,thinking he was helping me by being honest.He's learnt after 10 years not to say anything unless I ask.Maybe you could put a similar rule in place with your OH for future?I would say he's not in the wrong for trying to help in his own way but if you let him know you don't want him to do that again and he continues to,then he's in the wrong!You're also not in the wrong for feeling hurt about his comment as body image is usually a very personal thing and lots of people are sensitive about it

Then, imo, you were crazy to wear the bikini

I think it’s a very naive to think you don swimwear and no one looks at you. Of course people notice. I myself have done double takes. Men in tiny speedos. A rather memorable lady in a thong bikini with very bad acne on her large, flat, and flabby, backside, who stood right next to me as I sat at the pool bar and so her arse was inches from my head, a woman with the best body I’ve ever seen in a yellow thong bikini. A woman swimming and sun bathing in her black lacy underwear like it was a bikini. Women wearing swimwear I think looks good. Men in trunks I think are cool. The list goes on.

have I given a funny look, I’ve no idea, my face probably reacted in the moment yes. We all notice other people. And being in poorly fitting swimwear is something that would be noticeable. We notice the good, the bad and the ugly.

It would be wrong to pretend you get your clothes off and become invisible or people are so wrapped up in the shore line, book or pool it is the one place no one people watches. It isn’t.

I'm on the fence with this one as he clearly thought he was helping you by being honest. If you felt confident in yourself, it wouldn't have bothered you so much so the reason you are upset is due to your own lack of confidence. Most of us can understand your upset as we've also gained weight due to kids/menopause etc and aren't feeling our best. You may have to be clear with him that you don't want him pointing out how you look but then also accept that you may not look your best when you go out without getting his opinion.

Exactly this!

It’s not negging, negging would be something more like ‘you look nice in that bikini even though you put on a lot of weight’ or ‘actually you can pull of that bikini surprising well’. So it’s a compliment that makes a person doubt themselves.

It does not sound like negging.

Sounds like negging. I remember one ex did similar when I was 8 1/2 stone (5ft8). Said my belly looked large in a bikini. I had some loose skin from previous weight loss and also have pcos so my weight does fall around my stomach. Never wore one again infront of him.

Another one more recent made a comment of my untoned belly and how I should hit the gym (I’m only 9 1/2 stone now so in no way overweight).

I replied that I’ve had 2 c sections and 3 abdominal surgeries, what was his excuse for being a fat bastard? Dumped promptly.