DH's comment about my bikini has really knocked my confidence

To be fair I’d want my DH to tell me if I had a camel toe just as much as he’d want me to tell him if he was on display.

Fancy a woman appearing like the shape of a woman!

But it's OK for men to have a visible package in that area!

I’m a size 8 and I think a beautiful swim suit is much more flattering, I don’t really get the bikini love.

I have both of these from Reiss and a third one which is seafoam colour also from them, the structure is fabulous, they look amazing on, and way more eye catching and flattering than any bikini.

https://www.next.co.uk/style/su612576/f22238

https://www.reiss.com/style/su889258/y25152

it’s not an odd response just be it’s different to yours. If something is too tight then you can clearly feel it when on. The op felt comfortable so that is a far better indicator.

She also said SHE felt comfortable in it so clearly it wasn’t too tight otherwise there’s no way she would have felt comfortable. He’s not a monster but hes very insensitive and I’m not apologising for that view. And how you would feel is completely irrelevant by the way. You are not the op.

What an odd response.

He said it was digging in and riding up, if that’s not too tight what is,

she raised her weight, not the posters or her husband,

and no one is sitting assessing other people’s swimwear. But let’s be honest, we all notice someone who looks very good or very bad, too small trunks or bikini, or a gorgeous costume or great figure,

no one said she’d to cover up. Inc her husband.

it sounds like he was actually trying to be diplomatic about it! That was tactful.
What did you want him to say?

You would have reacted even more badly if he had said it was tight, and he wouldn't be a decent partner if he had just lied to your face. You can see photos, mirror, you know what you look like.

i'm still entitled to try and feel happy and comfortable while I do.
no one said you were not, not even your poor DH

I feel very mixed on this. Of course he shouldn’t have made that comment, could have put it more kindly and also if you’re happy wearing it OP and felt good that is all that matters.

However, it’s really really rare for anyone to genuinely look good in a bikini (rather then another type of one piece/set) over a size 10. If you’re very tall it is maybe different, but as a fellow shorter woman who changes shape/size with every 2lb gained I know that’s true for me.

i have gone from a 6/8 to a size 12 in the 18 years me and DH have been together. Middle age has hit my shape hard. I genuinely feel really good about myself in a swim set or a well fitted one piece. A bikini just makes me hyper aware of all the bits that have changed and I lose my self confidence immediately. Is that possibly what’s happened here, a bit?

Mumsnet now got me thinking people are sitting around assessing other peoples swimwear

They probably are, but I doubt many will dwell on it.

But he didn’t say OP had a less than perfect body. He didn’t comment at all until she pushed him, and then all he did was express surprise that she was wearing that particular bikini. So in actual fact if anything he wasn’t pointing out a flaw in OP’s body, but a flaw in the bikini - it didn’t fit her properly.

He didn’t say it was too tight he said he was surprised she was wearing it.

it’s a holiday for godsake not a fashion show, people get hot, you should be able to wear whatever you want. I don’t need people around me on holiday to look any particular way because I’m focusing on my own stuff. I always assumed other people were also just doing there own thing.

Mumsnet now got me thinking people are sitting around assessing other peoples swimwear. The vast majority of people around Op wouldn’t care what she’s wearing by the pool so I don’t understand why it’s become such a thing about her weight etc. I have awful cellulity thighs (fairly sure I have a condition, it’s that bad ). Nothing which involves showing my legs is going to look good, literally nothing will make them appear nicer, should I have to keep them hidden my entire holiday?

@jessywxo with him saying ‘I’m surprised you’re wearing that bikini’, it is him vocalising that the bikini is unsuitable for your size and he’s surprised you can’t see that.

His comments were aimed at the bikini, not you. Treat yourself to a new one and get your loveky husband to pay.

So on the spur of the moment, what would you have said that would be taken as a neutral comment?

It seems to me that he does realise that the OP feels sensitive about her weight and he did try to phrase it so as not to upset her.

I agree with lots of what you say here Op.

However, I am less convinced his wording was worse than "that's a bit tight."

I think he was trying to be less explicit to be gentler. I understand how you have taken it: as though he is 😳😱you are wearing it.

But to me "surprise" is a gentle word that I choose if I don't want to say that I "disagree" with a choice (or am "shocked", disappointed, appalled etc)

He has also avoided specifying the issue - tightness - which, again, I think suggests he was trying not to be too blunt.

I just don’t understand why a person wouldn’t want their partner to be honest with them. Especially in a case like the OP’s where her partner did not comment on her weight or say anything derogatory, but simply pointed out that her bikini did indeed look tight. I understand that weight is a very emotive topic but surely with something like a bikini you absolutely want to get it right?

I guess the world is split into two types of people.

1/ those who feel if their partner is wearing something ill advised, it should be pointed out, and wish to have the same back as if you can’t rely on your partner who can you rely on, as long as it’s done kindly as in the op

2/ and those who think they should never say, or even lie, and just let you look as you do,and would never tell their partners either as they deem the truth too hard to bear.

im in the first group. As said, im dismayed as my husband will never tell me, its shit, I’m a confident dresser, but if I do ask his opinion as unsure I’d prefer he tells me, rather than just say everything is great.

so I need to rely on my daughter, if I’m unsure of an outfit I text her an image. And ask her opinion, as I value her judgement, and she’s my best interests at heart, where as my husband will go yup looks lovely,😂

and I do tell my husband if he puts something on that either doesn’t go together, isn’t suitable for the occasion or doesn’t fit right, for the simple reason I love him and I don’t want him to look like a bit of a twat.

The voice of reason. That is what most couples do, and it is not 'nasty' to be honest, and stop your spouse from making a fool of themselves, looking silly in much too tight clothes.

So much bluster and projection on here. Husband tells wife her bikini is a bit too tight for her, after she admits she has gained a lot of weight - A LOT not a bit, she said so herself ... And she did ask for his opinion too, as he gave her a 'funny look' when she appeared in said bikini...

But somehow he is the monster. 🤔

Really? You don’t think that the people around you can give an assessment on whether a bikini fits properly? The OP said it was too tight, and her partner confirmed it. What’s wrong with that?

I once told my wife that a particular cut of trouser she was trying on gave her camel toe. Should I have kept quiet and risk her being embarrassed in public?

OK, I have to point something out because you are making out he did something wrong as in your words, you never asked... in your very own post though we see this
[Quote
"Nothing", but I said "No, what is it?"
Eventually he said, "I was just surprised you were wearing that bikini."
I asked him what he meant and he said that he thought it looked too tight and that they were digging in on me. He said he wasn't trying to be horrible, but he was only saying it because he'd rather I knew than walked around the pool feeling uncomfortable or looking silly.
[/Quote]

He initially doesnt tell you, you asked again what it was, "eventually he told you" so how many times did you ask before he though, jesus I just wanna shut you up!!!

You then asked him what that meant, again, you asked the question... he only answered you truthfully... would you have preferred a lie?

I also don’t think he did anything wrong, OP. A bikini is one of those outfits that needs to fit properly whatever size you are, and you said yourself that it was tighter on you than last year. He was not saying you shouldn’t wear a bikini because of your weight, but that the bikini you were wearing didn’t fit properly. A partner should be able to tell you things like that.

I would ditch the bikini and head for a naturist beach if possible. In our experience people tend to be a lot less judgmental when we’re all different shapes, sizes, ages and colours and everyone is naked. No tight straps, nothing digging in and no tan lines, and much more comfortable not having to sit in a soggy wet costume after swimming.

This - you did ask him … ask yourself if you would have preferred he lied when you asked?

I would tell my husband his clothes looked to small if he was wearing something that didn’t fit and I think he’d do the same, I don’t think he meant to make you feel bad.

But a lot of clothing manufacturers lump sizes together. For example 12-14. 16-18. So if you go up say, one size, you may still be in the same sized bikini.

Cup sized swimwear works better for me.