DH's comment about my bikini has really knocked my confidence

Just lose some weight

I often wonder about the intentions of the inventor of the bikini. Did they hate women in general? Only a minority of us can wear one with confidence, and even then only for a few years. It's not even enough to be skinny, you have to be curvy in all the right places and have perfectly even skin.

But there was nothing stopping him simply saying you look amazing in XYZ rather than knocking the bikini.
He absolutely could have been more positive rather than leaving her feeling worse.

We're on holiday at the moment and this happened yesterday before we went down to the pool.

I'm late 20s and I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years and I'm not pretending otherwise. I don't look the same as I did a few years ago and when I met DH and I'm aware my body has changed.

I've sometimes struggled with my confidence because of it, especially when it comes to things like swimwear but I decided before this holiday that I didn't want to spend the whole time worrying about how I looked.

I brought a bikini that I've had for a while that I always loved and felt good in. It's definitely tighter than it used to be, but I didn't think it looked terrible. I felt comfortable in it and I actually looked in the mirror and thought I looked okay, which can be quite rare.

I came out of the bathroom ready to go and I saw DH give me a funny look.
I asked him what was wrong and he said "Nothing", but I said "No, what is it?"
Eventually he said, "I was just surprised you were wearing that bikini."

I asked him what he meant and he said that he thought it looked too tight and that they were digging in on me. He said he wasn't trying to be horrible, but he was only saying it because he'd rather I knew than walked around the pool feeling uncomfortable or looking silly.

I know he probably wasn't trying to hurt me, but it really upset me. I hadn't asked him what he thought. I wasn't standing there asking if the bikini suited me or if it still fitted, I was just ready to go.

Until then I actually felt quite good about myself. After he said it, I felt really self-conscious and ended up changing into a swimsuit because I didn't feel comfortable wearing the bikini anymore.

I spent the rest of the day feeling rubbish, which annoyed me because my weight and how I look is already something that bothers me and I was trying to make an effort to avoid that..

Last night I told him that his comment had upset me. He said he didn't understand why I was making such a big deal out of it because he hadn't said it to be mean or nasty. He said if he was wearing something that didn't fit properly, he'd want me to tell him. I said I would if he asked me, but I wouldn't just look at him and point something out that I knew would surely make him feel bad.

He's very 'black and white' sometimes and his view seems to be that couples should be honest with each other even if its not nice to hear. I think there are some things you don't need to say unless someone actually asks.

For balance and to be fair to him, he is normally a good husband and I don't think he was trying to be mean/cruel. I just don't know if I'm overreacting, or whether he should have kept that thought to himself in the moment

AIBU to be so upset over this?

If I wore something that didn't look right on me, regardless for whatever reason that may be, I'd rather my husband tell me.

You know you've put weight on, you admitted that the bikini looked tighter, so you probably already know it doesn't look bad, but it doesn't look great either.

Yes, your husband looked at you oddly, you asked what was wrong and he said 'Nothing' but you pushed him for more. He told you the truth, now you're cross that he told you the truth. He wasn't nasty or mean, he was honest. If you hadn't pushed him, I doubt he'd have said anything further.

We're on holiday at the moment and this happened yesterday before we went down to the pool.

I'm late 20s and I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years and I'm not pretending otherwise. I don't look the same as I did a few years ago and when I met DH and I'm aware my body has changed.

I've sometimes struggled with my confidence because of it, especially when it comes to things like swimwear but I decided before this holiday that I didn't want to spend the whole time worrying about how I looked.

I brought a bikini that I've had for a while that I always loved and felt good in. It's definitely tighter than it used to be, but I didn't think it looked terrible. I felt comfortable in it and I actually looked in the mirror and thought I looked okay, which can be quite rare.

I came out of the bathroom ready to go and I saw DH give me a funny look.
I asked him what was wrong and he said "Nothing", but I said "No, what is it?"
Eventually he said, "I was just surprised you were wearing that bikini."

I asked him what he meant and he said that he thought it looked too tight and that they were digging in on me. He said he wasn't trying to be horrible, but he was only saying it because he'd rather I knew than walked around the pool feeling uncomfortable or looking silly.

I know he probably wasn't trying to hurt me, but it really upset me. I hadn't asked him what he thought. I wasn't standing there asking if the bikini suited me or if it still fitted, I was just ready to go.

Until then I actually felt quite good about myself. After he said it, I felt really self-conscious and ended up changing into a swimsuit because I didn't feel comfortable wearing the bikini anymore.

I spent the rest of the day feeling rubbish, which annoyed me because my weight and how I look is already something that bothers me and I was trying to make an effort to avoid that..

Last night I told him that his comment had upset me. He said he didn't understand why I was making such a big deal out of it because he hadn't said it to be mean or nasty. He said if he was wearing something that didn't fit properly, he'd want me to tell him. I said I would if he asked me, but I wouldn't just look at him and point something out that I knew would surely make him feel bad.

He's very 'black and white' sometimes and his view seems to be that couples should be honest with each other even if its not nice to hear. I think there are some things you don't need to say unless someone actually asks.

For balance and to be fair to him, he is normally a good husband and I don't think he was trying to be mean/cruel. I just don't know if I'm overreacting, or whether he should have kept that thought to himself in the moment

AIBU to be so upset over this?

Ah I’m so sorry op, I think men think they’re helping. He shouldn’t have said anything

I'm trying to think where a bikini might look tight?

Everyone puts on weight / loses weight all the time.

Put that bikini back on, rock that look all over the pool, dance if you have to.

Life is way too short for worrying what some person 6 loungers to the left thinks or feels about you. They will forget after

The funny look was designed to provoke you to ask the question.

An initial refusal to answer thus increasing the tension & your concern regarding what he was withholding.

Until finally he was “forced” to tell you he thought it was too tight.

Then it’s your fault you asked.

If he is compelled to have input on your clothing choices a more pleasant way would have been to suggest an outfit he loved rather than put down the one you were wearing.

As i've already said above, there's a big difference between 'I think that looks a little bit tight', and (what he said) 'I'm surprised you're wearing that', which implies that it's ridiculous for me to wear it. That's what upset me. Its not like I was squeezing myself into something that was multiple sizes too small.

Also for people saying i 'badgered' him...are you seriously saying that if your partner gave you a very odd look and you asked them what was wrong and they said 'nothing', you'd just go 'oh, ok, it's nothing then'? Yes I asked him what was up, but there's tactful ways of saying things to someone. That's my point,

I'm aware I need to lose weight and i'm working on it, so I don't need people to tell me and advise me about that. Regardless of that, i'm still entitled to try and feel happy and comfortable while I do.