DH's comment about my bikini has really knocked my confidence

I can’t decide if it’s a reading comprehension thing, or twisting it to fit the answer the poster wishes to give. All the dude did was say her bikini was digging in when pushed to say, and he did it kindly and said he’d want to know. But for some posters there was a whole other conversation that occurred, which the op didn’t share where he was slagging off her body

I think it's projection. I have no idea where people got the idea that he expects her to look "perfect." Nobody looks "perfect"- except maybe 0.0000000001% of the population, and even then we're talking supermodels. 😂

If he were body-shaming her, he'd have commented on her actual body, not her clothing. Clothes can be changed in seconds, so I don't think it's unkind to comment on them. And if something is a size too small and digging into you, it's probably uncomfortable as well as unflattering.

Then there are the comments implying that no woman wants to hear honesty from her partner. Really? Are we all supposedly so stupid and vapid that we only want to hear, "It's absolutely wonderful, darling," about every single thing we wear or say, like we're married to some creepy Stepford husband? 🙄

Ah, the bikini. Famously supposed to be so loose that it flaps off you... 🫪 No, wait, it's supposed to be tight?! You're allowed to reveal yourself in it. I bet you looked great.

He's nasty, it was a needlessly hurtful interaction. Maybe it's rooted in jealousy, he didn't want other men seeing how beautiful and confident you are.

You're supposed to feel desired and loved by your husband. I would ask him why he can't give you that? And take necessary steps to put yourself first.

Trust me when I say, as an older woman than you, that, in your twenties, you are absolutely beautiful. And no mediocre man should be given the power to tear that down.

i don’t think he was unreasonable. If he felt it looked bad or ill fitting it’s better he tells you than you be embarrassed later tbh.

Some of these comments are unfathomable, it’s like the op wrote something totally different to whay she actually wrote.

we’ve had everything from body shaming, commenting on her body, how you can speak full sentences with your eyes, not just convey a feeling, how he proactively told her, how he wants her to have a perfect body etc,

I can’t decide if it’s a reading comprehension thing, or twisting it to fit the answer the poster wishes to give. All the dude did was say her bikini was digging in when pushed to say, and he did it kindly and said he’d want to know. But for some posters there was a whole other conversation that occurred, which the op didn’t share where he was slagging off her body.

Agree with this. You thought it was right and so did he. Honestly if a husband and wife can't be honest about things like this then I think that's a bigger issue.

IME it takes a lot for a man to bother commenting on a woman’s outfit - positive or negative. So if my DH says sth isn’t flattering it'll never get worn again. I’m glad of the honest opinion and I wear sth else. OP I think you can be certain it didn’t look ok. Sorry if that hurts.

Stop torturing yourself OP. Your DH sounds like he loves you no matter what you weigh. It’s a subject that you are sensitive to so it’s bound to sting.

It sounds very much like he was more surprised than critical. I would be surprised too if a body conscious friend wore a bikini that was too small. Because let’s face it, regardless of the label size, if a bikini is tight it’s going to be pretty unforgiving on any body shape or size! It’s not a reflection on you personally, just an item that doesn’t look as good as it could. Hell, I’ve got clothes in a size 6,8,10 and 12 in my wardrobe. Different items look better in different sizes.

But would you want him to lie about it. It sounds like it was too tight and maybe didn’t look great.

I know with weight we’re all supposed to say someone looks amazing when they’re four stone overweight but it’s often a white lie. Maybe the DH is worried about how much weight the OP has put on - four stone is a lot especially when you’re short - and this might be a wake up call for her.

He was not a hypocrite unless he was also wearing a possible too small and possibly unflattering pair of swimming trunks. He didn’t say anything hypocritical.

Eh? he didnt tell the OP she ought to have a "perfect body" though did he?

He said her bikini looked too tight and like it was digging in. It was a comment about her clothing that didnt fit properly - I cant see any comment from him about the OP's actual body at all.

OP also said He said if he was wearing something that didn't fit properly, he'd want me to tell him.

Therefore, he isnt being a hypocrite because he said he wants her to tell him if she feels something doesnt fit him either.

Hypocrisy includes pointing out flaws in others that you possess yourself. Eg a less than ‘perfect’ body.

Whether you are big or small you need to wear clothes the fit the size you actually are. Someone who is very, very skinny looks as horrendous in clothes that are far too big as someone who is bigger and trying to squeeze into a garment that's far too small. The weather woman on TV in our area is very attractive but she squeezes herself into clothes that are at least a size too small. It must be so uncomfortable and it looks awful. If she went up a size she'd look fantastic. Id think the same if she was a man. I'm a 10 or a 12 depending on the shop I'm in. I'd never wear a 10 if it gave me a big tummy and looked too tight. I'd not choose a 12 if it sagged and fell off me without a belt. The same applies whatever size you are.

You both felt the exact same way about the bikini being tighter on you than it was when you originally wore it.

It seems you wanted him to pretend it didn’t look tighter and wasn’t digging in when actually, you knew for a fact that it was.
You wanted him to say you looked good in it as that would have boosted your confidence enough to enjoy wearing it.

Personally, I’d prefer the truth over the pretence. I would want to know I can really trust what my partner says. But we all different …and have different sensitivities, I know.

The solution is not to let this little incident get to you any more, don’t let it spoil any more of your precious holiday together.
Instead, treat yourself to some lovely new beach wear OP….bikinis, cover ups, shorts, sarongs etc.

I say if your happy in your bikini then wear your bikini, love yourself, love your body.

It’s a difficult one, OP. You say the bikini is a size 16-18 and you’re now a size 18 so it’s not wildly undersized. But as some other posters have said, i tend to size up because i don’t like clothes to be too tight.

I understand the principle that some posters have mentioned of “I will wear what I damn well like”. But not all clothing suits all body shapes and to me it seems a bit odd to insist on wearing something that doesn’t flatter. Many people are not well adapted for wearing skinny jeans, for example, but would look fabulous in bootcut jeans.

That is not to say that this bikini doesn’t flatter you – perhaps it does - but I think you will feel more confident in something that is a bit looser rather than an article of clothing which is constantly reminding you that you have gained weight. My weight has fluctuated a lot over the years from a size 10 to a size 18 (my current size) and lots of sizes in between, up and down and back since my 20s through to my now late 50s - not rapid changes, gradual ones. I would like to be lighter than i am now and am working on it. I think it is good to work on fitness if you can. But at each phase (including now), i have made sure i am wearing clothes which accommodate my size because i feel so much more comfortable in them and i look better in them.

I have a friend who expresses delight and total joy at whatever the thing is. " Oh I love your dress/ hat/ bag , you look lovely". I've known her for 40 years so I know when that's bollocks. I would never ask her opinion about anything to do with clothes because the response , whether I looked genuinely amazing or like sausage meat stuffed in a skin, would be the same. It has no actual value. Being kind means stopping someone you love going out in something that doesn't fit. There are so many people out and about these days who would have benefited from a full length mirror and an honest friend/ spouse. You admit you have put on a lot of weight. It is your choice to embrace the weight , and buy bigger clothes, or decide you hate it ( that seems to be your feeling ) and get rid of it.

Of course they can. Facial expressions say a lot without words…that’s how we tell people are lying, or happy or sad . Even the way people stand or move speaks. Body language and ‘tells’ . Even just a ‘look’ can speak volumes .
I looked at my kids, they’d stop fighting . I didn’t need to speak. Husband called it ‘your Princess Anne look’

Then she shouldn’t have asked. There appears to be an awful lot of reading comprehension difficulty throughout the thread. DH didn’t say anything until OP pushed for his opinion. He could have lied, but what would be the purpose when his words would have belied what was on his face ?

Again, if you have a dh and he gave you funny looks wouldn't you want to know why, especially when they follow up with 'nothing'. Thats as shifty as he'll.

There's nothing wrong with my reading comprehension. I can see she asked him why he looked at her funny. Of course he could have lied and i agree that wouldn't have served a purpose but to give funny looks in the first and not saying something there and then is just odd. Its even odder to say he didn't want her to be uncomfortable, surely she is the judge of that, and for saying he doesnt want her to look silly,again that's on her. Her perspective is fine, after all there are all shapes and sizes around a pool. If op was OK with herself that's fine.

OP, my DH once made thoughtless comments about my weight and it stung. I felt so hurt but it spurred me on and I lost the weight. Shifted about 4 stone and it felt good and I now I drop in the odd 'thoughtless comment' about his protruding belly to get my own back.

Because what people see in the mirror isn’t always what others see.

She pushed him to tell her, so he did. She asked him twice to say what he was thinking. If you don’t want to know the answer , don’t ask the question.

And if anyone round the pool had given funny looks or muttered something, as people do, she’d have been upset he hadn’t said anything.
She knows she put on a lot of weight, so why be touchy about being told something looks tight? If it fitted well before weight gain, it stands to reason it would look tighter now.

Exactly- how can you trust anything someone says when they only tell you what you want to hear all the time?

This reminds me of those parents/family on the X factor who proudly proclaim their kid/family member has the voice of an angel and keep encouraging them to sing in public when it's patently obvious to everyone they sound like a cat being strangled to death. The person then makes a complete fool of themselves on national tv.

Its cruel.

If your bikini is a 10 and you are now a 14 then I dare say you could squeeze yourself into it. Would it look the best it could ? No of course it wouldn't. If you want him to lie / say nothing ( saying nothing was clearly his first choice) that's fine but the photos by the pool would have told you the truth . He did you a favour.

Me too, and my husband does this, it’s pure shite. I can’t trust a word that comes out his mouth if everything looks fab. So now I ask my daughter. She tells me honestly, kindly but honestly, if I want to know I ask her.

I do not get the concept of asking then getting upset when told, and wanting your partner to lie to you or not tell you so you can carry on looking bad and kidding yourself you don’t. I think the op deep down knew and that’s why she pushed.

as said, if we were on hols and my husband fronted up in a pair of swim trunks too small, sure as hell I’d tell him. I’d say your trunks are too small, put another pair on. Or let’s go buy you some if he didn’t have more. Thays not commenting on his body it’s simply commenting on the fit of the clothing, as the ops husband did,

Wow so many snarky comments about reading his reaction. I never knew so many people could not interpret facial expressions!