Letting newborn cry for a little while - dealing with other children?

YANBU. It's just real life OP. Not every parent has the kind of set up where they're able to drop everything to run to their baby when they cry. With two kids it's inevitable if they both need you at the same time you'll sometimes have to go to one first, then the other.

A friend of ours put it well: they chose to have a second, not their existing child, so they wouldn't ever make their eldest feel like second best by ignoring their needs for the baby. 90% of the time they could meet both of their needs, but if occasionally the eldest needed something while the youngest was crying then the youngest could wait a little. Better than breeding resentment and feeling usurped by a baby.

It's of course worse for a parent to be stretched so thin they're unable to meet their own needs, in terms of eating, sleeping, drinking, resting etc., you sound sensible.

Do people really think throughout human history that every newborn was able to be responded to within 10s every time? It's unrealistic.

My kids are 19m apart and an electric swing was an absolute godsend in this situation.

A big, ugly, plastic thing in the middle of the living room but god I loved it and so did the baby, he was so calm he'd often doze off.

You don’t wipe your arse and you don’t wash your hands clearly 🤢 How on earth is a woman (or man) supposed to feel good about themselves in such circumstances?! It’s a recipe for depression

No I strongly suspect most people don’t have their babies strapped to them when they are having a poo! What on earth made you think they would?
And who told you it was common to skip showers during the newborn weeks? How many weeks did you not shower for?
All three of my kids were premmie babies who needed a lot of care, I still went to the toilet by myself and took a shower every day. My kids are fine.

Thank goodness no one insisted I must have them strapped to me 24/7!

This is absolutely demented. OP, please ignore posts like this from martyrs with dubious hygiene.

Never heard of such a thing in my life!!! How do you wash/ wipe and wash your hands

A few minutes is fine, don’t drive yourself mad trying to be perfect (I made that mistake…).

I couldn’t bear that, I like some peace and did so when I was younger.

it was more the mantra don’t make a rod for your own back in the 90s

I never wore my DT’s - no must about it. It’s not necessary.

What? That's new one on me, and it's not mentioned in the book, that I can recall. You may have a point. But mostly it's about making the child feel secure, and making life easy for the mother (breastfeeding in the hammock, and the baby not crying for her while she's working/cooking). The babies never cry, according to the author. (Not my words - hers. My babies cried.) She compares it to the anxious mothers' parenting back in NYC when she gets home from her years in South America.

No wonder the birth rate is dropping. Why would a young woman want to feel she had to live like this?

And yet women in the South American rainforest ) according to The Continuum Concept) absolutely do have their babies attached to them 24/7. On their backs when they're working, and in hammocks at night, until it can walk, when it's expected to follow her. Or until the next baby comes along to take it's place. But it will have grown up feeling very secure. Likely this happens in other societies too - it's just not as easy/normal in ours.

I know what it's like to have to choose one child while the other cries - I had twins. They always seemed to wake within moments of each other. I always felt stressed and guilty about it, and spent the first year basically trying to keep them happy, because I was lucky enough to be able to put them first. Not everyone can do that (work, etc).

Exactly, mine made me feel really uncomfortable with straps and weight of baby

And also OP, this is the kind of thing that feels Very Important when you’re in the thick of it, but a few years later you’ll look back and realise that it’s such an insignificantly small part of the parenting journey. I roll my eyes at myself when I think back to some of the stuff I fretted about with DD1 as a baby.

Look after the kids, look after yourself, give yourself a break and some grace. No one does it all perfectly, no matter what this thread might suggest!

That sounds like no time saving at all compared to hopping in the shower for literally two minutes - and proper air drying is recommended for stitches.

Holding your baby on the toilet might have been what you did (and indeed, I did too at times), but every comment of "oh, it's normal to skip showers" etc) WILL translate to some new mum somewhere thinking she has to skip a shower because it's normal.

So consider keeping your curiosity yourself, or at least acknowledging that it was your choice.

I’ve never held either of my kids while having a poo! I don’t think that is usual at all. The idea grosses me out.

I wonder if men feel this kind of guilt/other men make them feel guilty about this kind of thing? Well I don’t wonder, I already know the answer.

Sometimes women are our own worst enemies.

You’re fine, OP, you’re doing great. Don’t worry about it.

What is wrong with you? Having a shower every day is perfectly reasonable, don’t be ridiculous.

There is a world of difference between a baby crying while her mother is having to deal with other things, all the hubbub of life is going on around and she knows that her mother is close - not ideal but part of life- and a baby left to cry on her own- far more distressing and scary.

Not everyone can cope with baby in a carrier strapped to them all day long.

@muggart

no, I don’t think most women hold their babies when having a poo.

nor should it be the norm that they are skipping showers.

it’s a basic human right to shower daily and go to the toilet in private.

@TheNinkyNonkyIsATardisIm not judging anyone at all, it’s just interesting to hear how other people do things.

I had a little bowl which inserts into the loo, which can be filled with water, so i sat it in to clean the stitches like that without having to have full showers.

to be fair it didn’t make much difference. my firstborn cried whether i was holding her or not!

my second i could put down for a few minutes which made everything easier.

As above, I had an easier baby who was mostly fine.

But I also had stitches that needed to properly dry, and haemorrhoids that needed looking after.

Even without those, a shower can take as little as 2m to get in, soap and rinse, then 5m to dry off and redress.

Are you seriously suggesting that a total of 10m would be unacceptable for a new mum?

My son was mostly attached to me like a limpet, I coslept, I BF on demand for 20m. And damn right I showered whenever I wanted to.

I have never ever taken my baby to the toilet - when I need to go to the toilet or have a shower they are in their cot. Nor did I skip a daily shower.

I mean, I don't shower every day by habit, but when I was caring for stitches, haemorrhoids and stinky milk leaks I had to take time out to look after myself 20m twice a day without fail with a newborn. (I had other breaks too, but those two sessions were much needed!)

Sometimes my son was fine with it, but sometimes he wasn't. Two days in the first 8 weeks, he wanted to feed or sleep last bed on for 9h straight. Well, I didn't mind it for the most part, but I still got up to stretch and move once a hour, and went out for a walk by myself twice. He howled for the 20m whilst my husband comforted him, but I wasn't going to spend longer than your normal working day sitting down being suckled!

I would hold my babies if i needed a poo - not being funny but isn’t that what most people do?

i also thought it was common to skip showers in the early days… They aren’t so short when you factor in drying and getting dressed too.

My first born who had some health issues would scream relentlessly if i did anything like that, and wouldn’t calm down again easily after i picked her up.

i think some people just have easier babies and don’t really get it tbh.