my bf wants me and the children to move in with him

'we live in a flat that’s too small i know you’ll all ask why did you have more kids then but that’s not the point either im just saying for context'

I certainly think it's relevant. 🙄

Before you make another decision that has the potential to negatively impact your children's lives, inform the council that you're going to need a larger property. Because your family has expanded. It may take a while for them to find you anything. But it's a better option than moving in with a man who can't be trusted.

Stay put.

By your own admission you are shit at making judgements about men.

Listen to what everyone here is saying: you are about to make another of those mistakes if you move in with him.

1. You have a council flat. That's good dust and stops you becoming homeless if he decides to be a twat again.
2. Note the bit about being a twat again. He has form for being a twat. He abandoned you whilst pregnant. He should be grovelling to your terms and conditions and you should not be giving in to him. You should play the long game. No moving in until the relationship since you last broke up is several years in. No shorter.
3. You have four kids (I think). With at least three different Dads and the eldest is 11. That means your kids have been through multiple men in their lives and you have been a serial dater who moves from one man to the next having babies. Now I don't particularly have a problem with this as such, but that's a lot of upheaval and chaos for young kids AND it shows your decision making is off. You would rather be with someone, even if they are unsuitable, than by yourself. You should really do everyone a favour and give them space and time without men in and out the house. This doesn't mean you don't date, but a bit of distance would be good for the kids.
4. Break the cycle. This guy has a lot to prove. You would be wise to examine why you are going for men in succession like this who aren't stepping up and are deadbeats. Even if this one is doing more than previous ones, you really need to take a step back and do some life re-evaluation generally about why you think he's changed and are even considering rushing to move in with him. There's obviously some low self esteem going on, on your part and you would be wise to rebuild this without the influence of a man.

This is a bad idea you WILL regret because it's pretty obvious you are wanting a fairytale happily ever after and are considering a rushed decision. NEVER rush a decision this big. It doesn't matter if he is the father of one of your kids and you are looking for a replacement Dad for all of them. If it's right then he will be willing to take his time and give you space rather than rushing you in anyway. The pressure to rush into a decision is a huge red flag in itself. Don't do it.

You have four kids (I think). With at least three different Dads and the eldest is 11.

She has six, and the eldest is 16.

My question would be: what's your back up plan if things don't work out? If this man turns out to be not so great after all, or changes, what then? It sounds like you have been let down by the fathers of your children in the past. I would really focus on being the best mum you can and giving them stability.

It sounds like you have been locked in a cycle of a victim/abuser/hero triangle.

Let go of the idea that a man is going to move you all into a more perfect home, rescue you from your current situation and provide the fairytale ending. Be the hero of your own story.

I'd wait for at least another year of good behaviour and commitment prior to moving in together.

oh ffs

You only got back with your babys dad a couple of months ago and you broke up during the pregancy because he "didnt care" ,surely you can see that a matter of weeks isnt suffiecient to know wether he has changed and can be trusted?
As others have aid your childrens security in the roof over their heads has to take priority ,do not trust that to a man who has been unreliable in the past and has only been on the scene again for a matter of weeks.

Oh dear.

Are you autistic OP? You say one of your children is and it tends to run in families, you also seem quite vulnerable and say you have a history of making poor decisions.

It's really important that you don't give up the security of your council flat to move in with someone who you have only had a positive relationship with for a very, very short time. That would be a very poor decision for both you and your children.

The best thing to do now OP would be to stop having relationships with men and focus on your children, 5 or 6 children including a baby and at least one with SEN are going to need a lot of time and support.

Frankly my dear…if he seems to be caring, inviting all of you to join him, not just you and his child, then I reckon there must be an ulterior motive lurking.

You sound as though you are going to do this extremely reckless thing despite any advice to the contrary, and in the same breath you talk of your 11-year old’s struggles, which are increasing. Any day it’ll be puberty tanglefoot too.
Your own emotional weather is not a good idea as a backdrop when it’s controlled by an unpredictable, never reliable man.

A drama-free home life, in the familiar flat, would be more benefit to the children than you think, whereas an upheaval and a pretty predictably tearful and woeful mum within a short time, might scar your kids more than you think, equally.
You cant help those low feelings when they strike, naturally, but you can certainly avoid them in the first place.

Honestly, I think you would be very wrong, and not merely misguided, to hitch your wagon yet again to this proven bad lot of a man, and this time sacrificing a secure family home as you do it.
Put your family unit first, and he is not a 24/7 member of that at all. Much better quality partners exist, they truly do.
You needn’t react to him any time he crooks a finger any more; secure your maintenance and have the ins and outs formalised, and sail on with your chin up (and your Anti-Git™️ breastplate strapped on!)

Buy a recent Ideal Home/ Homes and Gardens-type magazine perhaps, and have a good wallow gathering ideas about room makeovers, or just hit Ikea for new lampshades and a lovely big rug etc: show your trusty flat some love.
Maybe ask the kids what theyd like if they had ££ to spend, and see what can be done on your budget. (My mum was always doing this; even just a vast poster of Mick Jagger in my room made it feel all new!)

Don't give up the house yet. Its too quick and you sound a little uncertain still, so giving up secure, affordable accommodation would be very risky. If it is right, and he is a good person for you, he will wait. You can still date and spend time together across two homes. Then in a couple of years, if everything is still going well, you can reassess. But its far too soon to give up your flat, even for a bigger home. What would you do if you separated again?

You sound very vulnerable OP.

Apart from your boyfriend, do you have any other adults in your life that support you and give you advice?

Yep... and at least you are already on the waiting list for a larger place. You will lose that place on the waiting list for the larger accomodation too if you give up your council flat for a private rent.

Ring Shelter and ask them for advice on how to present your case to the council and the waiting list because it does sound small for the size of your family now, especially with a new baby.

Don't put yourself at the mercy of a BF who has already let you down in the past, no matter how well he's currently behaving. He'd like to share the bills in the new place, but you have security in a council flat now and an eventual prospect of a larger place. Hang onto it, for your DCs sakes.

Well said. This is the advice @tiredbuttryin5 .

This. God almighty, give your poor children some stability and enough with the endless parade of deadbeat dads. Including the current beau amongst the deadbeats. They deserve better. You deserve better and you are more than enough.

Keep your flat as it is YOUR security for your family. He is probably only a passing relationship. It would be different if you were getting married and you were both homeowners without a mortgage. Nothing else is better than what you already have which is a secure tenancy for as long as you want/need.

I agree with other PP that you should not take the risk of losing your council flat just to move into a bigger privately rented property with your bf. There is too much uncertainty in that. I'd be concentrating on getting your son settled in school and pushing the council to get you into more suitable accommodation. Let the bf move if he wants to and visit him, but definitely do not give up what you've currently got, unless you're going to be happy being homeless again (and the council may even consider that you have voluntarily made yourself homeless should things not work out with the bf).

What man would want to move a woman with 4 kids, that aren't his, into a rental property that he pays for? It's a cock lodger in reverse! Bizarre.

I would not do it. I would stay with him at weekends. You have no reason to live with him you have a home. You and your children need security. The tenancy is his if you split you will be back to starting over. Personally I would not go backwards by returning to an ex. Obviously you have a baby I can’ see why you want it to work. I would be very wary as to why he wants you there. Many men seem to think women are useful to live with, for meals, cleaning etc be careful op.

Keep your council tenancy, even if you are overcrowded, because it means you have secure housing. It is far too soon to be considering moving in with this man and a private rental might not accept your family of 7 people in a 3 bedroom house.

I can look into the future
You move in with him and all the kids
You keep your flat on
After a few months, maybe Christmas 🎄 he will have a headache from all the noisy kids and go to your flat for 'a bit of peace' leaving you in the rental house. Over time will become the norm, then he will say 'Well we may as well swap because you need the space and you have the kids'
Then, he will want to split up with you
The next thing you know, you have lost your flat to him and you will be stuck in a rental
This is certain. This happened to a friend and she can't get him to swap back. It's such a mess

Do not give your council flat. Your partner sounds flaky and unreliable. You've said yourself you aren't sure. So don't give up your home.

Do t do it. Put you and the kids first - he can be a great dad from a distance - there is no rush - give it a year or 2 before you even think about moving in with him and get yourself domestically contraception as you don’t need another baby clouding the issue by the sounds of it.

Don't do it.