AIBU to question things after husband frightened me while I’m recovering?

That’s very frightening. You are disabled right now. Disabled people are particularly vulnerable to abuse. Your medical situation sounds so tough, I’m sorry.

Completely separate from that, I do feel for your h being pitchforked into being a carer. I work with people this is happening to and it’s bloody hard.

Your safety is the first thing and you should if you feel safe to do so disclose how you felt and the drinking to someone - maybe the nurse, maybe your GP?

It sounds like he is struggling and he does need more support, outside the marriage. But frankly he’s a grown up and needs to sort that himself. Ask yourself every day if you feel safe and if not, talk to someone in real life.

Is the drunken anger episode a one off? I imagine your DH is as frustrated by everything as you are and this was maybe his misguided response to this? Have you both been able to sit down and work out a longer term plan for your recuperation? Is he having to work full time whilst caring for you or is he at home all the time? I imagine both scenarios have their stresses and strains. Could you mention to the nurse that the situation is causing massive stress for you both and ask if there is any other support that could be available to you? Have you any friends or family local to you?

Honestly he sounds like a bit of an abusive prick with a drinking problem. He is taking advantage of the fact you are vulnerable to frighten you; how is this consistent with being a loving husband?

I assume you have a long recovery ahead of you. Is there anyone else who you can rely on for support other than him?

Would he open up and speak frankly to you about what’s going on for him to behave like that once he’s properly awake and sober? It’s really not ok. Escalation is a real risk to your physical and mental wellbeing. If something is going on, he needs to share it so you can both deal with it going forward.

Do you think he’s been drinking more and more while you’ve been away? Is the drinking to excess a new thing, or just the behaviour which is going with it?

It sounds like your DH is struggling. Surely you must be entitled to a short term care package following your discharge? Speak to the nurse and see what can be arranged. I know it's not ideal but it might take up at least some of the strain.

You need to have a serious chat with him when he wakes up. Tell him how you felt. It might be he’s struggling more than he’s letting on

Oh gosh OP. Was it a one off? Not that a one off makes his behaviour ok, but perhaps he just snapped after a long time.

I'd try and speak to him when he wakes and understand what happened. He sounds like a man on the edge and has broken.

Can you be honest with yourself, are you doing all you can? Can you take on some of the less physical stuff about running the home?

A lot of what you have listed your scared of have nothing to do with your Dh you are not scared of these because of your DH your scared of the situation your in
life in extremely tough for everyone at the moment it’s draining

I’ve been through similar and at the time it was the longest 12 months of my life it’s the unknown and no definite deadlines to work to
human nature as much as you tell yourself till your blue in the face in 12 months time this will be behind you so logically every day is a day never the finish line for this but it doesn’t make any difference
looking back I wouldn’t admit it at the time I was seriously depressed
you need to look at a few things to make life easier for both of you
you do online shopping
get taxi to appointments alone
little things like remote control light bulbs
go eat deliveries our local carvery does home delivery

everyone has there limits and yes he probably is burnt out

This is exactly what I was going to say. It is not easy caring for someone 24 hours a day.
I wish you both well.

Alot of men can't deal with becoming a carer especially if that also means sex is off the table. It's not the deal he signed up for, nor you. It's a really hard one but it is absolutely NOT OK for him to be getting really drunk, yelling at you, scaring you and ordering you around. That is abusive. I think def talk to him when he wakes up and maybe talk to the nurse too.

This sounds like an incredibly difficult situation for you both, your lives have both been turned upside down. His behaviour, of course, is unacceptable and I can understand how frightened you must have been whilst you’re still very vulnerable. He’s likely to be very hungover when he wakes up, hopefully remorseful, but probably today isn’t the right day to have a serious discussion with him.

I’d be worried his drinking has escalated whilst you’re been away and I’d want to know if this is a one off, or if he’s been regularly getting blind drunk. You need to know if this is likely to happen again. You do both sound like you need some additional support, and that might be a discussion to have with your nurse?

It seems more that this has tapped into your concerns for the future in general than him. He shouldn't have shouted, but he's also had a really tough time with no end in sight. If you are normally good this warrants a proper discussion about if he is coping as it doesn't seem like he is.

His behaviour sounds completely unacceptable and he needs to address that, but it must be a huge adjustment for both of you. He’s lived on his own i assume for a while, so you being back he will be a change. He’s now your carer, so the relationship dynamic has changed. I think a really frank talk is needed, only talk about how you feel, don’t make assumptions on his feelings and see how of goes. I agree you should look at support for yourself that may take some pressure off him.

I was carer to my DH for the best part of 2 years before he died. It was an awful experience and not something I'd want to repeat. I cried to the hospice staff more than once because I was so tired, frustrated, burnt out. I look back now with some shame at how I snapped at him occasionally and wish I could have done better. Your DH is probably suffering carer burn out too. Is there anyone he can talk to? I found the counselling service at the hospice for carers was a way for me to let out those frustrations and feelings in a safe space. Maybe he could talk to his GP to see if there's a support service in the community for carers.

Sorry you're going through this OP. It sounds as though you're very aware and grateful, and doing what you can to ease his load as much as you're able to with your circumstances.

Community would make you safer. Most areas have carers support, if you have a google. Have you got friends who can pop in abd do the evening or lunch meal with you at all?
Some churches do meal train or similar for unwell people. Or other practical support so if youre open to that its worth reaching out.
Also theres ready meals and ready meals. Could you online order some from somewhere decent or would that be out of budget? You need good nutrition to heal well/sleep better and it might also help his mood a little. Id go with high protein options if you can to try to support your body with healing.
Scaring you isnt ok. Im so sorry you went through that.

This, it sounds like he is experiencing carer fatigue, are you getting sick pay from work or is you being home an eye opener for him think “shit all the financial responsibility is going to be on me for a lot longer”?
what lights can you not reach? Are you totally bed bound? or would you have to get out of bed to turn them on?

is the Red Cross able to offer anything?

The whole thing sounds awful for both of you.

You say you have other health conditions - has he been caring for you for a lot longer than the last two weeks?

If so, I think he really needs to look into attending some kind of support group - caring for another adult 24/7 is a huge ask and causes a huge shift in the relationship. I know you’ve said carers are expensive but what about someone who can just come and help you a bit - do some cooking or just keep you company so your DH can have some time off?

Poor you.

His behaviour is not acceptable at all, but at the same time, he sounds burnt out. Is he still working too, and do you have children or pets?

Definitely see if you can get a care package in place, you might have to pay for it but it could be money well spent.

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP, but as someone else has said your fear is not just about him, it’s about your situation in general.

Also, as someone who is helping to care for my elderly mother I can sympathise with him - it can be so overwhelming at times. My mother does have carers, but I still do a lot, and I have at times gotten frustrated with her over little things she should be trying to do, but leaves for me because it’s easier.

No, he shouldn’t have shouted, but please don’t underestimate the huge pressure and toll that caring takeson a person. He may be depressed too about your situation.

If he is usually very good, and this is a one off, I would cut him some slack, but work out a plan where you both get more support.

Could you hire someone or even a friend, just for a day or two, to give him some respite, and could he go see a friend or family member without disclosing the incident (just that he and you both agreed he's been doing a lot of caring and a day to enjoy himself would be great)? It's always concerning when someone acts in a way that makes you feel vulnerable and as other posters have said, additional caring responsibilities on top of everything else he's doing (potentially working full time, keeping house, running around for appointments, looking after the dog) may be just too much without a break. I'd be extremely concerned about not enabling a day or two where he doesn't have these responsibilities when this out of character behaviour just happened, because he needs time to reflect on his behaviour without being frustrated because his responsibilities still aren't letting up. Yes care is expensive but him being burnt out, you being left in a state of fear or neglect, and your relationship ending because you didn't want to pay for him to have a break, is far more expensive.

I've never been convinced that it's realistic for one person to do all the care in a situation like this. I think when the nurse comes you need to both be honest about how you aren't coping.

He sounds horrendous. DH spent a long time in hospital when the DC were tiny and required a lot of care subsequently, didn’t drive, couldn’t leave the house, couldn’t be left alone with the DC. He came back to a pristine home, DC well cared for, everything organized and I continued to help him. It really really wasn’t easy at all and there was resentment from my side as, like your DH, I’d been thrust into the role of carer. All that said, I would never have done what he did. That’s abusive and wrong and he’s shown you who he is. You deserve so much more, especially when you’re so vulnerable. I really hope you get the help you need.

@Offherrockingchair were you also fully responsible for the households income at the time? How old were the dc?

He should have had more patience, but suddenly being a carer isn’t easy either. Hopefully, this is a temporary situation. 🤞