AIBU to question things after husband frightened me while I’m recovering?

You say there are no children - so probably your husband was used to all your attention always being on him? And suddenly he is 'the carer'. Like fuck he is 'the carer'. Big deal to do what he does - millions of women do that day in, day out. Worse still - many many children are young carers - and I mean real carers - like changing nappies for their parents and feeding them with a spoon. I only recently found out about such a category of people as 'child carers'.

Don't cut this bastard any slack - what is he doing? Your house like a tip because a servant broke her leg and was away? Makes me so angry.

Have a stern talk to him - remind him of 'in sickness and in health'. Apart from a stern talk, I don't know what to recommend, it does not look good - he showed his true colours. Carer burnout, my arse. This is cruelty and a bigger reason to divorce him than affairs, not a good predictor for later life with him, especially if you have other health problems.

Let's look at what actually happened: when his vulnerable, sick wife has just returned from hospital, on a midweek evening, he chooses to deliberately prepare an entirely inadequate meal for her, gets ridiculously drunk, turns out lights he knows she can't reach to embarrass and frighten her and then shouts at her to do things for herself, knowing she can't. (You've assumed this is the first time this has happened: there's nothing in the OP to indicate that's the case.)

You have to decouple two things: yes he may well be burnt out and have carer fatigue, that's context, it's not justification. Millions of people manage to care for others, whether professionally or as family members, without being spiteful, nasty and drinking themselves to the point of incapacity. If someone did this in a professional setting this would be grounds for dismissal.

If he is struggling to cope, he needs to get professional help and find better coping strategies, or indeed get better support for his. It's not OK to just lash out at her because he is stressed.

I'm tired of people having double standards when it comes to men being praised and cossetted when they are asked to do the bare minimum in terms of supporting their female partners, when millions of women do this on a daily basis without complaint.

I'm not sure I quite understand what lights he turned off that you can't reach? Surely you're the same height as usual just on crutches? But he sounds like he was being an arse in drink. Losing his patience.

I think you should try and explain you were upset and frightened by his actions last night and hopefully he'll apologize. It's true it's really tough having to suddenly be a carer. But he shouldn't be acting a bully or threatening. I hope it's just a one off outburst of frustration. It's not your fault you're injured and you deserve support and sympathy.

Would you think counselling together might help? Or separately even?

Carer burnout 4 weeks in and women just go years caring for their whole families without anyone giving them a passing thought. Ok.

I'd ring the rehab place, tell them what happened and ask if you can go back

How much is he doing for you day to day as you only mention cooking.?

I have nothing but sympathy for both parties. Some people are simply not cut out to be carers. If I had to do it, I would lose my temper about ten times a day and probably drink like a fish.

Op has stated in her post she is managing her own water, toileting, bathing needs etc

So, on your assumption he is working and cleaning the house (of two people and a dog, which he isn’t actually doing as she said she came home to a tip) and making dinners (which he isn’t cos he served her cauliflower last night and she mentioned several ready meals).
Is that not just being an adult? Is that not what millions of people do every day for themselves? Is that not what millions of parents do, as well as looking after children as well.

what is he actually burnt out from.

Both me and my dh are disabled. We are both carers for each other. Just us and a dog like op
He works full time, cleans and we split cooking (when I am able). He also does a lot more physical actual care for me. Neither he or I have ever behaved in this way towards each other. He is neurodivergent and gets easily overwhelmed. He would NEVER purposely put me in an unsafe position or scream at me. This is abuse. Let’s not excuse it.

I’m so sorry you’re having to put up with this unkind behaviour when you are at your most vulnerable.
Sending you good wishes.
His actions will remain with you & it will be difficult to view him in the same way as you have always done.
If you have sufficient funds it would be worth investigating private care in your own home. Otherwise contact the Rehabilitation centre as other posters have suggested.
Be assertive with your definitely not DC. Explain his actions whilst in the drunken state have caused you to seek alternative help. He promised presumably to be your (D)H in sickness & health but has fallen extremely short of this promise.

Maybe it was a cry for help, hes depressed, its been just as hard for him, cauliflower is pretty stressful to prepare, the dog knew something was off and needed daily soothing, yadda yadda yadda

One dog , no kids yet

I’d agree. I spent 4 months non-weight bearing on my right leg four years ago, but did have a knee scooter so could get to the loo etc. I didn’t reckon on the pressure it put my DH under, doing what were unfamiliar jobs as well as work a farm. We relaxed into it after the first few days, made an effort to keep tidy, but put up with the dust and ate easy stuff. No one will die from fish fingers and chips now and again. I think do address it, but move forward without judgement. All these posting abou

Is it just your leg making you temporarily out of action or does he care for you for other reasons all the time too? It's not clear from your post as you only really mention your leg but then also say about moving house so you can be more independent which suggest something more long term.

My mum used to call booze truth juice, where real issues came to a head.
While it's never ever ok to have someone frighten you, if he's never done this before I would take it as a person who's getting burned out. Caring is a hard thing, just as it is being incapacitated and sounds like both of your lives are unrecognisable at the moment.

Would he talk about it? If so, can both of you sitting down and talking calmly? He needs to know his behaviour was abysmal and never to be repeated but also looking at more help for you both to take some of the strain off him, even if it's just a cleaner to take chores off him, getting all shopping delivered, perhaps a dog walker if your personal care isn't forthcoming. I know it's expensive but I really would consider it for a short while, until you start to heal more.

I do truly hope you can get through this together because other than the horrible drunken episode, it seems like you guys are a good team.

I’m not sure questioning your relationship is the right thing… it is perhaps scary as you are physically powerless, but it doesn’t sound like he was aggressive to you- just mean and frustrated- he is only human after all.

he obviously struggled while you were in hospital if the house was a state when you got home, perhaps he thought when you were home you would be able to do a bit more than what you can and things would be a bit more normal again?

have you talked about expectations of your recuperation? Is that what the move is about as you will have difficulties long term? Have you asked him how he has been coping- it’s a lot to deal with a future that has been thrust at you, moving house when it’s perhaps not what he envisaged?? it sounds as though he is harbouring a lot of fear and anxiety also if it is only coming out when he is drunk.

What can you both do to ease the burden, ie get a cleaner, a dog walker, buy some better quality convenience foods etc? Therapy?

This, and also the part about not being able to turn a light back on. If op doesn’t have the dexterity to use a light switch, need level id assume is very high.
why do posters keep using the cauliflower as evidence of abuse?
the op posted like I can’t face another ready meal and would happily sit down to a plate of cauliflower or whatever.-
he hasnt cacklingly given a plate of cauliflowers!

OMG women are literally killed every day by men and yet this man gets a pass for reenacting MISERY after his wife needed care for a month?

I mean we could all pile on condemning this man for his abusive behaviour but it will change absolutely nothing. It's not going to somehow make him have a change of heart.

The only change is going to come from trying to seek more support and options for support.

How he is today will tell you everything you need to know

would happily sit down to a plate of cauliflower or whatever.
Tonight I got just that. And I thanked him a lot as usual. I actually didn’t mind it one bit to be fair- I just slammed on a load of pepper!

He did give her a plate of cauliflower but it sounds like OP asked for it and so that alone wouldn’t be evidence of abuse.

I’m struggling to understand how it’s so demanding that he cooks every day.
Surely he cooks half of the meals anyway.

I can see how this would be tricky if you're a couple where one is happy to live off processed food and the other one wants proper cooked meals.

He gave her a plate of cauliflower presumably a pass-ag response to her asking not to have spicy chicken, I am going to guess it was some sort of not so subtle dig because he was resentful about having to do something other than a ready meal.

Its not a sackable offence on its own but along with the other behaviours described it paints a picture of an entitled, angry bloke who is seething about having to do some domestic work and a bit of planning in the arena of what he would consider his wife’s job.

OP do you have autoimmune conditions?
If so there are new winder drugs.

Who are looking after children, usually teenagers, then have older relatives to look after. Not when just cooking every night. As asked, are there any single people who are cracking up just with normal life, to the point that they find someone to be abusive towards?