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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - can't take it anymore

39 replies

YourNimbleLeader · 03/08/2026 17:39

Bare with - typing in a bit of a rage here.

Been married 17 years. We married young so are in our early 40s now. DP has always been a bit of a slobberer when eating. Loud chewing, weird gulps, throat noises, mucus in throat - the whole business. Earth-shaking belches. DP thinks it's funny...

We have a family together, but this amongst other things makes me feel like I just can't do it anymore. I don't feel sexually attracted, I just can't envision the rest of my life with this person. Is this death by a thousand cuts? Am I young enough to start again? We have built a household together, and my partner is wonderful at taking care of the children, really involved and an active partner in our life that we've built - but our relationship is just so non-existent. AIBU to be considering separation? And for wanting more/something else?

OP posts:
SusanJJ · 03/08/2026 18:37

5128gap · 03/08/2026 18:27

Yup. And what man lists 'really involved with the children' like its a rarity when describing the qualities of his female partner?

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Yup. I can't see what the 'joke' is though, unless to make a point about discontented women being treated more sympathetically than men in a similar position. Is it that, OP?

5128gap · 03/08/2026 18:27

SusanJJ · 03/08/2026 18:09

The slobbering and exaggerated belches you mention are something I have only ever encountered in men, and your first post was carefully written without pronouns that would indicate your genders. So I suspect this is a wind up of some kind. Is it?

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Yup. And what man lists 'really involved with the children' like its a rarity when describing the qualities of his female partner?

Original poster
YourNimbleLeader · 03/08/2026 18:25

Must be a pretty lame wind-up if I clarified my initial post a whole 13 minutes after posting it. I'm looking for genuine advice please.

OP posts:
Username19893847477374 · 03/08/2026 18:14

SusanJJ · 03/08/2026 18:09

The slobbering and exaggerated belches you mention are something I have only ever encountered in men, and your first post was carefully written without pronouns that would indicate your genders. So I suspect this is a wind up of some kind. Is it?

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Agree

SusanJJ · 03/08/2026 18:09

YourNimbleLeader · 03/08/2026 17:52

I'm so sorry, I should have clarified - I am a man, and my DP is a woman, my wife. I should have clarified at the beginning. The thoughts around perimenopause are useful nonetheless - I wonder if we have just changed as people and grown apart as the years have gone on, focussing on our family but not each other.

The slobbering and exaggerated belches you mention are something I have only ever encountered in men, and your first post was carefully written without pronouns that would indicate your genders. So I suspect this is a wind up of some kind. Is it?

pikkumyy77 · 03/08/2026 18:03

If you have the ick you have the ick. Just politely end it.

CatesandAle · 03/08/2026 18:01

Personally I’d make a serious effort to save the relationship you have before breaking up. Find a way to talk non-accusingly to DP about the stuff that’s bothering you

rubyslippers · 03/08/2026 17:54

I assume you have had conversations with your partner because what you describe is grim

Krevlornswath · 03/08/2026 17:54

So much life left to live OP, why spend it with someone you aren't madly in love with or sexually attracted to. There's no shame in wanting more for yourself than the bare minimum. Sounds like you are well past the point of wanting to leave.

If he is a decent guy and father then he will still be able to parent them well if you separate.

Original poster
YourNimbleLeader · 03/08/2026 17:53

UpDownAllAround1 · 03/08/2026 17:45

Yes of course. Focus on having a job to support the family, co-parent and move on romantically

Move on romantically how?

OP posts:
Original poster
YourNimbleLeader · 03/08/2026 17:52

I'm so sorry, I should have clarified - I am a man, and my DP is a woman, my wife. I should have clarified at the beginning. The thoughts around perimenopause are useful nonetheless - I wonder if we have just changed as people and grown apart as the years have gone on, focussing on our family but not each other.

OP posts:
Laughorbloodycry · 03/08/2026 17:49

HRT has helped my monthly rage cycles a great deal.

But I could never cope with what you describe. I am long term single because I would not survive this without doing some damage tbh.

Your reaction is a completely proportional response. It is not a nice thought imagining having to lie there and be a recepticle for another person's bodily fluids when you feel so physically strongly against it. The reality is exactly this - as much as we can fluff it up and romanticise it. It's gross.

And all the HRT in the world won't change that for me. Also in my 40s.

If you can be as amicable as possible for the sake of the children and yourself because you'll have to stay in some form of relationship as a co parent.

UpDownAllAround1 · 03/08/2026 17:45

Yes of course. Focus on having a job to support the family, co-parent and move on romantically

parachutegirl · 03/08/2026 17:44

That’s perimenopause for you. Things that you’ve tolerated for years become insufferable and I spent about five years plotting divorce. I went on hrt and whilst I’m not as tolerant as I once was, I can now just quietly leave the room when he annoys me without being filled with rage.