DMIL ignoring me. AIBU to avoid outings with my mother-in-law after this?

What would any guest be staying in your bedroom when you have a spare bedroom. Strange

Yes, maybe in your case she genuinely is a pain in the arse. Probably best to do wwhat a lot suggest on here, which is to be conveniently ' absent' from now on and let DH deal with it.

I’d do this. Tell MiL (why call her D- MiL?) there is a crisis at work and you’ve got to go in. And when she has gone tell DH she cannot come again unless you are away because you are done with it. He’s welcome to visit her as often as he likes, though.

She may be his mother, but it is your home and no one has the right to disrespect you or make you feel uncomfortable or unwelcome in your own home. Plus he CAN see her at her own home, so it’s not as if you are saying he can’t continue his relationship with her.

So sorry. Really am - but when she is gone you need to speak to DH about having some counselling. Silent treatment is psychological warfare and is recognised by domestic violence charities as abuse. What you describe is a manipulative tactic she has used to control all of her sons. They have experienced a lifetime of it, so really there needs to be an open discussion between them that this is what it is.

All of them should seek support and therapy - because they risk future relationships and repeating unhealthy behaviour cycles if they go on to marry and have children themselves.

She would not be allowed back in my home after this visit - in fact, I’d be tempted to insist that she go home early because she is your DH’s life-long abuser. I’d want her gone now, especially if she is now going down the route of giving YOU the silent treatment.

My DH was relieved that someone gave him space and 'permission' to say his mother was an unpleasant, controlling woman who used him, the eldest, as a whipping boy for his father, giving to his siblings and only ever taking from him, his wages, possessions, space in the family home etc

She set her kids up to be beholden to her and to be very adversarial with each other

I let him say that put loud, to acknowledge it was wrong. His life became far less fraught once he put distance between himself and her

But hey! You do you...

Far from it, she has a few sisters. None of whom are anything like her thankfully. It honestly has been such a relief to break the FOG cycle, if only I had done it sooner.

God, those poor men. She has destroyed them, hasn’t she?

What a prize bitch. Sorry, but I had a toxic mother whose words and behaviour would have made the Alien queen’s acid blood seem like Oil of Ulay. I can’t believe there are more like her out there.

She sounds just like my DP’s mother, she is awful! I don’t have much to do with her, DP has already been to counselling because of his upbringing and his abuse from his father, his 2 younger brothers didn’t receive the same treatment from their father though, just him! @AlisonPi my partners mum is awful so I will diss her, not because it’s trendy but she deserves it! My ex MIL though is wonderful, I’d be lost without her!

It all sounds a bit 6 and 2 3’s to be honest.

seems like you are punishing her by no longer giving her your room.

maybe she feels as uncomfortable and awkward around you so made a beeline for her room over saying morning. The fact she came back and said hello indicates that.

You clearly don’t like her or have any intent to be civil. Maybe try and see it from the other point if view.

I’d say don’t invite her again but it’s your husbands mum & his home too.

You care a whole hell of a lot more about your dh's feelings than he does yours.

i have future mil from hell too.

things I would do would be things where you don’t need much back from her. So I suggest the cinema as no one needs to talk, a museum if there’s any close by, s garden centre to look at the plants then home to get on with some gardening.

Easy meals I would do cold spreads everyone can help themselves.

and let DH have a day out with just his mum then she can’t say she didn’t see enough of just him.

I’ve had to do this a couple of times with the olive branch, now I can’t be arsed with her manipulations and histrionics - I rarely visit now and let DH take the kids if they want to go. I’m polite but done with her shit

OP, he definitely needs counselling.
You are very generous to be so forgiving of a man that deliberately misled you as to exactly how awful his mother is.

I couldn't find a man who was in his 40's cowed by his mother, attractive.
He's afraid of her, and invites her into your home.

Kindly meant, but she IS an abuser and you have every right to say no more.
She is not welcome in my home.
See your abuser elsewhere.

If I was you, counselling would be a non negotiatable for him.
He misled you.

The family you marry into is very important as you now realise.

.