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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DMIL ignoring me. AIBU to avoid outings with my mother-in-law after this?

98 replies

Beingseenisneedy · 03/08/2026 13:39

DMIL has come to visit. Had a falling out last year as we were apparently not inviting her over enough.

Has 4 sons, all unmarried but DH, all tow the line, including DH although he's getting better.

With the fallout, I stood my ground and talked back at her, something she's never had from her sons.
She cried and made out I was attacking her.
DH was caught in between but it blew over as she then pretended nothing had ever happened.

I used to include her, make a fuss, cook elaborate meals, give her our bigger bedroom when she came to stay, take her out every day etc until we moved and needed time to settle.

This is when she kicked off about not being invited even though DH would still go and visit her.

Now she's here, it's been tense. When she arrived, she made a beeline for our bedroom and I had to break it to her that she's actually in the spare room.

This morning, she went to the shops with DH before I saw her, they got back when I was making breakfast in the kitchen. She walked past without a good morning. She'd seen me but I hadn't initially as I was grabbing something from the fridge.

I then shouted morning and she came back, mumbled good morning and went to her room.

Breakfast was a little tense but ok as didn't want to spoil it for DH.

We were all meant to go for a walk after but I stayed back as couldn't be asked.

She's taken it as a slight of course and rest of the day will be a pain. I took AL for this!

She goes back on Thursday.

Will I be unreasonable to opt out of rest of outings and never invite her again?
Obviously DH would still want to invite her as his house too but maybe work late whenever she does visit.

So done with the drama.

OP posts:
WerewolfOfLoudon · 03/08/2026 14:26

He doesn't need to go visit her @Beingseenisneedy. Toxic parents are best avoided imo. A million excuses can be made for not visiting, however "that doesn't work for me/us" will always be a valid one.

Clearly he has struggled standing up to her, FOG is a tough cycle to break. You've got his back by creating the boundary and giving him a choice to distance himself too.

AlisonPi · 03/08/2026 14:27

You will lose family if you freeze her out. Your husband eventually will realise you created a split in his family and dislike you for it. His brothers will think you’re a bitch stirring up divisiveness. If you have kids they’ll lose a grandma. I know it’s trendy to diss men’s mothers when you marry them, so, you do you.

something2say · 03/08/2026 14:28

I would play a longer game, because as long as you are married to her son, she is going to be in your life, and you have a husband and a set of brothers who are used to toeing her line...

She will need to see over time that you are the boss in your house. The end.

For me, this would be -
Not giving her the big bedroom or anything like that ever again - that set a very wrong idea in her mind!
Treat her well and respectfully but play the long game. If you need to bow out or early these next few times you are with her, then do, but start to bend and soften, for your own peace of mind.
But do not go too far, as YOU are the boss in your home.

Life can be funny. You do not know what twists and turns the family are going to make, and who will become allies in what scenarios. Therefore it is best to be careful I think, and try to get along with wider family.

Original poster
Beingseenisneedy · 03/08/2026 14:34

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 03/08/2026 14:18

What happened in the fall out?

There's talking back and there's talking back... Were you rude?

At the end of the day like it or not she's your DH mum and is not likely to change massively at an older age. You can set boundaries.

It was basically back and forth about not being invited, DH would normally have then invited her to keep the peace, whereas I listed the number of times she had stayed over, compared to other relatives.

I didn't raise my voice as I was saying it in a reassuring way.
She wouldn't accept this and kept on and on, then burst into tears and went to her room.
DH had to go and coax her out.

OP posts:
nc42day · 03/08/2026 14:34

I think some men with overbearing mothers get married with the expectation that they can step back because there will be another "grown up" to deal with them instead of doing it themselves.

My advice with in laws is never start something you're not willing to continue, but as you have, you're well within your rights to change your mind. I would absolutely back off, get into the garden, take yourself out to see a friend, whatever, and let your DH step up and host his mother.

Take a back seat from now on. Absent yourself during the visits if you feel you would rather. All completely doable. It's nice if you get on with your in laws, it can be hell if you don't and you need to do what you need to do.

Original poster
Beingseenisneedy · 03/08/2026 14:35

Rothburypixie · 03/08/2026 14:23

Maybe look at this way, yes it’s a pain her being here, but least DH can see the way she is treating you in your own home once again. When she inevitably moans about the stay and exaggerates how awful you/the stay was, DH will see she is talking a load of shite! (Hopefully)

He witnessed it thankfully but didn't say anything.
Bot raised to respect our elders and I realise him saying something in the moment would have been turned into us ganging up on her, so left it.

OP posts:
AlwaysExtraHot · 03/08/2026 14:37

What is all this shit about MILs crying and ‘kicking off’ and stropping like kids about things not being fair?!
I wouldn’t invite her again and I wouldn’t care.

Original poster
Beingseenisneedy · 03/08/2026 14:38

WerewolfOfLoudon · 03/08/2026 14:26

He doesn't need to go visit her @Beingseenisneedy. Toxic parents are best avoided imo. A million excuses can be made for not visiting, however "that doesn't work for me/us" will always be a valid one.

Clearly he has struggled standing up to her, FOG is a tough cycle to break. You've got his back by creating the boundary and giving him a choice to distance himself too.

Thank you, the guilt he carries would mean he'd have to visit her, at least for the time being.
She's done a number on them all.
Her own sister keeps her at arms length.

OP posts:
ColdAsAWitches · 03/08/2026 14:41

Of course she went to the bedroom, because that's where she always stays and you hadnt told her she was going to be staying elsewhere.
You said yourself she initially hadn't seen you behind the fridge. You're the one that shouted after her.
You're not all going for a walk because you can't be arsed.

Honestly, it sounds like you're making as much hard work of the visit as she is!

Original poster
Beingseenisneedy · 03/08/2026 14:42

AlisonPi · 03/08/2026 14:27

You will lose family if you freeze her out. Your husband eventually will realise you created a split in his family and dislike you for it. His brothers will think you’re a bitch stirring up divisiveness. If you have kids they’ll lose a grandma. I know it’s trendy to diss men’s mothers when you marry them, so, you do you.

You do you is so tired!

I posted for opinions, if I wanted to just cut her off, I'd have done so years ago.

DH and his brothers have realised what an unpleasant person she is.

Being a mother doesn't mean one is never at fault. Guilt tripping your kids to worship you is unhealthy and respect should be mutual.

OP posts:
Likeiloveyou · 03/08/2026 14:43

I can’t believe you booked annual leave for this? Just stay out of her way and let DH deal with her going forward.

Original poster
Beingseenisneedy · 03/08/2026 14:44

something2say · 03/08/2026 14:28

I would play a longer game, because as long as you are married to her son, she is going to be in your life, and you have a husband and a set of brothers who are used to toeing her line...

She will need to see over time that you are the boss in your house. The end.

For me, this would be -
Not giving her the big bedroom or anything like that ever again - that set a very wrong idea in her mind!
Treat her well and respectfully but play the long game. If you need to bow out or early these next few times you are with her, then do, but start to bend and soften, for your own peace of mind.
But do not go too far, as YOU are the boss in your home.

Life can be funny. You do not know what twists and turns the family are going to make, and who will become allies in what scenarios. Therefore it is best to be careful I think, and try to get along with wider family.

Thank you, there is no wider family on their side, it's just the 5 of them plus her Dsis who also isn’t married and no kids.

Longer gameplan in action from now on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingseenisneedy · 03/08/2026 14:49

nc42day · 03/08/2026 14:34

I think some men with overbearing mothers get married with the expectation that they can step back because there will be another "grown up" to deal with them instead of doing it themselves.

My advice with in laws is never start something you're not willing to continue, but as you have, you're well within your rights to change your mind. I would absolutely back off, get into the garden, take yourself out to see a friend, whatever, and let your DH step up and host his mother.

Take a back seat from now on. Absent yourself during the visits if you feel you would rather. All completely doable. It's nice if you get on with your in laws, it can be hell if you don't and you need to do what you need to do.

Thank you.
I started off on good footing as I wanted to be a good DIL and she'd welcomed me with open arms.

It's when the little digs start and she stopped hiding the put downs to DH and brothers.

If it was up to DH, we would have seen her much less in the early days especially, but she thinks I'm the wedge.

It's just he was finally brave enough to cut back a little.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingseenisneedy · 03/08/2026 14:51

AlwaysExtraHot · 03/08/2026 14:37

What is all this shit about MILs crying and ‘kicking off’ and stropping like kids about things not being fair?!
I wouldn’t invite her again and I wouldn’t care.

I know, couldn't make it up! Turns out it's a common tactic when they were growing up and I just happen to witness/know about it 5 years in.

OP posts:
Mapletree1985 · 03/08/2026 14:52

Beingseenisneedy · 03/08/2026 13:39

DMIL has come to visit. Had a falling out last year as we were apparently not inviting her over enough.

Has 4 sons, all unmarried but DH, all tow the line, including DH although he's getting better.

With the fallout, I stood my ground and talked back at her, something she's never had from her sons.
She cried and made out I was attacking her.
DH was caught in between but it blew over as she then pretended nothing had ever happened.

I used to include her, make a fuss, cook elaborate meals, give her our bigger bedroom when she came to stay, take her out every day etc until we moved and needed time to settle.

This is when she kicked off about not being invited even though DH would still go and visit her.

Now she's here, it's been tense. When she arrived, she made a beeline for our bedroom and I had to break it to her that she's actually in the spare room.

This morning, she went to the shops with DH before I saw her, they got back when I was making breakfast in the kitchen. She walked past without a good morning. She'd seen me but I hadn't initially as I was grabbing something from the fridge.

I then shouted morning and she came back, mumbled good morning and went to her room.

Breakfast was a little tense but ok as didn't want to spoil it for DH.

We were all meant to go for a walk after but I stayed back as couldn't be asked.

She's taken it as a slight of course and rest of the day will be a pain. I took AL for this!

She goes back on Thursday.

Will I be unreasonable to opt out of rest of outings and never invite her again?
Obviously DH would still want to invite her as his house too but maybe work late whenever she does visit.

So done with the drama.

"I used to include her, make a fuss, cook elaborate meals, give her our bigger bedroom when she came to stay, take her out every day etc until we moved and needed time to settle."

Nothing could be designed to make me feel more uncomfortable and unwelcome in my own child's home than this sort of treatment. Acting like she's the bloody queen come to visit. I expect to muck in and help, not make more work for everyone. Is it any wonder she headed for the master bedroom when that's where you have always put her? Is she a mind reader?

She can tell you want her as far out of your son's life as you can push her. It's not your husband toeing the line you mind. You just want him to toe yours.

I'd love to hear her side. I'd also love to know how you treat your own mum.

Original poster
Beingseenisneedy · 03/08/2026 14:54

ColdAsAWitches · 03/08/2026 14:41

Of course she went to the bedroom, because that's where she always stays and you hadnt told her she was going to be staying elsewhere.
You said yourself she initially hadn't seen you behind the fridge. You're the one that shouted after her.
You're not all going for a walk because you can't be arsed.

Honestly, it sounds like you're making as much hard work of the visit as she is!

The bedrooms are on the same corridor, I was showing her to her room when she made a detour to our bedroom.

She did see me, as did DH who did greet me. I'm the one who hadn't seen her as she came from behind me.

No, I dont want to go for a walk with someone who feels it's ok to ignore their host.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingseenisneedy · 03/08/2026 14:55

Likeiloveyou · 03/08/2026 14:43

I can’t believe you booked annual leave for this? Just stay out of her way and let DH deal with her going forward.

Such a mug, never again!

OP posts:
NattyRedFinch · 03/08/2026 15:01

How dare she be rude to you in your own home! I’d leave DH to deal with her on his own from now on.

Original poster
Beingseenisneedy · 03/08/2026 15:02

Mapletree1985 · 03/08/2026 14:52

"I used to include her, make a fuss, cook elaborate meals, give her our bigger bedroom when she came to stay, take her out every day etc until we moved and needed time to settle."

Nothing could be designed to make me feel more uncomfortable and unwelcome in my own child's home than this sort of treatment. Acting like she's the bloody queen come to visit. I expect to muck in and help, not make more work for everyone. Is it any wonder she headed for the master bedroom when that's where you have always put her? Is she a mind reader?

She can tell you want her as far out of your son's life as you can push her. It's not your husband toeing the line you mind. You just want him to toe yours.

I'd love to hear her side. I'd also love to know how you treat your own mum.

Edited
Show quote history

I treat my mum the same, give her our room etc.
Only difference is, if my DM had ignored DH, I'd have called it out straight away as I'm not afraid of her like DH and his brothers are afraid of DMIL.

It's not about being treated like a queen, I do the same for any visitors, brothers, friends etc.
I love to cook and most people appreciate it.

Some muck in, DMIL doesn't. She won't lift a finger and will leave empty cups of tea where she's seated.

So all brothers are lying about their upbringing and how and why would I want them toeing my line?

DH resents his mother, they all do but are also afraid of her.
Are you saying this isn't possible?

OP posts:
Timeforanothernamechange3 · 03/08/2026 15:03

When she arrived, she made a beeline for our bedroom and I had to break it to her that she's actually in the spare room

I don't think you can blame her for assuming she was going to stay in the same room she's stayed in for previous visits. You were right not to allow her to ignore you in your own home. I have recent experience of a similar loud "morning" in a similar situation. Works a treat.

Next time, don't book any AL and leave your DH to it.

Original poster
Beingseenisneedy · 03/08/2026 15:08

Timeforanothernamechange3 · 03/08/2026 15:03

When she arrived, she made a beeline for our bedroom and I had to break it to her that she's actually in the spare room

I don't think you can blame her for assuming she was going to stay in the same room she's stayed in for previous visits. You were right not to allow her to ignore you in your own home. I have recent experience of a similar loud "morning" in a similar situation. Works a treat.

Next time, don't book any AL and leave your DH to it.

I had one of her bags and said I'll take you to your room. I walked past ours to the spare room, but she turned behind me and went into our room, without being shown in.

She could have been absent minded and walked into ours, fair enough but it just on top of everything else.

Certainly no more AL.

OP posts:
IJustMight · 03/08/2026 15:37

I would be going back into work.

Let your DH deal with her.

Daygloboo · 03/08/2026 15:50

Beingseenisneedy · 03/08/2026 13:39

DMIL has come to visit. Had a falling out last year as we were apparently not inviting her over enough.

Has 4 sons, all unmarried but DH, all tow the line, including DH although he's getting better.

With the fallout, I stood my ground and talked back at her, something she's never had from her sons.
She cried and made out I was attacking her.
DH was caught in between but it blew over as she then pretended nothing had ever happened.

I used to include her, make a fuss, cook elaborate meals, give her our bigger bedroom when she came to stay, take her out every day etc until we moved and needed time to settle.

This is when she kicked off about not being invited even though DH would still go and visit her.

Now she's here, it's been tense. When she arrived, she made a beeline for our bedroom and I had to break it to her that she's actually in the spare room.

This morning, she went to the shops with DH before I saw her, they got back when I was making breakfast in the kitchen. She walked past without a good morning. She'd seen me but I hadn't initially as I was grabbing something from the fridge.

I then shouted morning and she came back, mumbled good morning and went to her room.

Breakfast was a little tense but ok as didn't want to spoil it for DH.

We were all meant to go for a walk after but I stayed back as couldn't be asked.

She's taken it as a slight of course and rest of the day will be a pain. I took AL for this!

She goes back on Thursday.

Will I be unreasonable to opt out of rest of outings and never invite her again?
Obviously DH would still want to invite her as his house too but maybe work late whenever she does visit.

So done with the drama.

I didnt like my MIL either BUT I do think the truth often is that daughter in laws basically dont want the hassle of another person in their son's life and so ANY behaviour on the part of the MIL is re-framed as a transgression. It's often that we dont get enough time with our partner, so any visit is seen as a pain in the arse. My MIL was an alcohplic and engineered any socoal situation so that she could drink. She was very manipulative. But the truth is I didnt really want her or FIL around at all.

WerewolfOfLoudon · 03/08/2026 16:09

AlwaysExtraHot · 03/08/2026 14:37

What is all this shit about MILs crying and ‘kicking off’ and stropping like kids about things not being fair?!
I wouldn’t invite her again and I wouldn’t care.

It's not just MILs. Cutting my mother out completely was the best decision for everyone else's sake. I'm sure she could out perform any MIL playing the victim 😂

WerewolfOfLoudon · 03/08/2026 16:14

Look up Fear Obligation Guilt @Mapletree1985, OPs posts show that this is what's at play here not just that she dislikes her rude MIL. She has just enabled her husband to see the dysfunctional relationship for himself.

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