Page 2 | DH wants to go no contact with his DM

Chunkychips23 · 2026-08-01T18:00:28+00:00

My MIL has been a thorn in my side since I had my first child. I’ve posted threads before if you want to read how she’s been. She wasn’t pleasant to me at all. DH has always stayed out of it. Chose to ignore it rather than address it, until recently. He started putting some boundaries in place, which of course she stomped on. She then meddled in a family dispute, blowing up the situation and causing estrangement from one of his older DC, which she lied about, whilst he spent the past year wondering what had happened. DH has apologised profusely to me for allowing MIL to treat me the way she did and had a confrontation with her about it all. She denied it all and has refused to apologise. Not only to me, but also to him for her lying and meddling. He’s very angry. He felt like this was her opportunity to take accountability, but she refused. She’s been messaging us and calling like nothing happened. DH said that he feels he’s spent his adult life being emotionally manipulated and guilted, often feeling responsible for her emotions. He felt like he betrayed me by allowing her to behave the way she did because he was always so scared to upset her. My disappointment was easier to deal with than her tears. This has now got to the point where he wants to go no contact. I feel that this is a little extreme. She’s entitled, controlling and bitchy sure, but she does love her grandkids. And they love her. I feel like he’s not given her long enough to process what was said. She’s lived her life without being confronted and enabled, she’s not going to change overnight. I feel like he needs to give her more time to think and process. I just feel he’s trying to punish her rather than doing it to protect himself and his family “let’s see how she likes it when one of your children isn’t speaking to you” I get he’s angry that her actions have caused estrangement and he’s also angry at himself for not standing up to her with her mistreatment of me. We’re disagreeing about it, as I think it’s extreme. He’s shocked that I’m not all for it after how she’s treated me. He feels I’m being unreasonable for saying it’s not the right approach. It would be a shame for my kids to not have a relationship with her either and they do love her, it would be punishing them too. Though we only see them once a month, they love to see her. AIBU to think no contact is too extreme? Or should I just shut up and leave him to it?

MarthaLovesLaughing · 01/08/2026 20:30

Chunkychips23 · 01/08/2026 20:20

Reading everyone’s comments and insights is making me realise I do need to just leave him to do it if that’s how he feels. I just worry for him that he’ll regret it. He still has many questions unanswered and to go from being a massive mummy’s boy to cutting her out completely and immediately is going to destroy him.

I gave my opinion to him when he asked, but haven’t said anything since. He’s just ignoring her at the moment, so she’s ramped up the texting and calls. They spoke literally everyday be it texts or calls. I just wish she would acknowledge the hurt she’s caused and apologise for it. He’s spiralling and is so angry.

Show quote history

It's the shock, for him, right now. He's suddenly able to see her for who she is and he's incensed. He's also, I expect, angry with himself for being duped for so long.

I'd suggest a break. He tells her he needs time to think , say 3 months, and get his head around the information which is new to him

That might give him time to take on board everything

She obviously won't respect that break, but at least he can block her and take his time to think

ChasingTheDuck · 01/08/2026 20:30

Please don't challenge him on this. Support his decision now and if he changes his mind in the future then support him then.

If you've never lived in FOG it's very often a situation with your own child that suddenly makes things clearer. And that seems to be what happened. His mum will never change. She's not capable. She can put a veneer on it to keep the peace, but ultimately that's all it is.
I wouldn't suggest facilitating any access between your children and her. You just need to support your DH in this. And yes it's shit he didn't support you at the time and that's almost unforgivable, but he is recognising that now and apologising.

Goinb NC can be incredibly freeing after years of control or not great behaviours. I chose it with my own mum and she died unexpectedly a few years afterwards. I still have no regrets about the NC. I am occasionally sad my DD didn't have a wonderful grandparent in her (my incredible in laws passed before DD turned 5 and I will always be devastated by that), but after how she parented and behaved she was never going to be grandma of the year either.

Take your husbands lead, let him set the pace and if he decides at some point in the future that letting her back in in some capacity explore that with him and what that means.

Merryoldgoat · 01/08/2026 20:35

I’m always confused on these threads when an objectively awful person is purported to be a good grandparent. Why would you want anyone like this having access to your children?

Fourlittlepiggies · 01/08/2026 20:36

DH decided to go NC with his DM last year. I have asked him if he is sure/ reminded him life is short etc but he is sticking firm. We are visiting his home town next week for the first time since and I asked yesterday if he wanted to get in touch - she has never met our youngest child and I thought he might be feeling differently. She has behaved badly and in his mind, life is so busy/ short that be doesn’t want to spend another second dealing with her behaviour. I won’t push it again, it’s his decision.

You need to respect your DH here too.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 01/08/2026 20:40

His idea of NC may be a week a month or even 3 months.

Keep out of it, and enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasts.

JustAnotherWhinger · 01/08/2026 20:41

Chunkychips23 · 01/08/2026 20:12

His DC had gone low contact with him and MIL due to parental alienation with his ex wife. The DC was beginning to talk to him again and they were making plans to meet up and talk through everything. Then contact suddenly stopped and he was completely blocked. He had no idea again what was said or what had happened. His mother had accosted his ex wife in a busy cafe (they live in a small village) and started shouting at her, blaming her for everything, humiliating her. Don’t get me wrong, his ex wife is not a reasonable or pleasant human being, so would have revelled in his mother acting like that, gone straight home and told their shared DC with several embellishments.

DH was sobbing on the phone to MIL about the sudden complete loss of contact. He couldn’t work out what had happened. She knew the whole time the reason why. If she had told him, he could have at least attempted damage control, but it looked like he set his mum up to it and then ignored it.

She took matters into her own hands rather than just leaving it be. It’s like she hasn’t adjusted to being a parent of adult children and no longer the supreme matriarch who makes all the decisions. She kept quiet about it to save her own skin. She thought she was trying to help initially and royally messed it up.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m far from her number one fan. There was a time where I’d have gladly blocked her and moved on with my life. I think she’s entitled and really needs some therapy herself as I get why she’s the person she is. She’s not a bad person, just a person who’s made bad decisions from good intentions. She’s let her own insecurities get in the way of rational judgment. I also think she’s showing signs of cognitive decline too, which is allowing the worst parts of her to shine through.

Show quote history

in this time where you say she’s been better did she confess all to him or did he find out another way?

im glad you’ve decided to support him in whatever he decides to do.

I went NC with my family in what seemed to some folks as from nowhere and out of anger. It was actually just that there was a moment where I realised that it was never going to change, that they were as bad as I’d spent years trying to convince myself they weren’t, and it was just the proverbial straw. I was done and I’ve never regretted it in the years since.

Damaging his relationship with his child, and hiding her part in it for a long time, would be enough to go NC for many people. That’s appalling and unforgivable.

ALovelyPinkUnicorn · 01/08/2026 20:46

WhatAMarvelousTune · 01/08/2026 19:50

but she does love her grandchildren

But you said she got involved in a situation with her grandchild, escalated it to the point of estrangement from your DH, and then lied about it. It doesn’t sound much like she cares about them.

This, how can she love the dgc if she’s lied to malevolently break their relationship with their dad? Is she wealthy and that’s why people allow her shitty behaviour @Chunkychips23 ?

Original poster

Chunkychips23 · 01/08/2026 20:51

JustAnotherWhinger · 01/08/2026 20:41

in this time where you say she’s been better did she confess all to him or did he find out another way?

im glad you’ve decided to support him in whatever he decides to do.

I went NC with my family in what seemed to some folks as from nowhere and out of anger. It was actually just that there was a moment where I realised that it was never going to change, that they were as bad as I’d spent years trying to convince myself they weren’t, and it was just the proverbial straw. I was done and I’ve never regretted it in the years since.

Damaging his relationship with his child, and hiding her part in it for a long time, would be enough to go NC for many people. That’s appalling and unforgivable.

Show quote history

He found out when his eldest DC mentioned in conversation when talking about the NC DC “well it didn’t help when Grandma went apeshit at mum through did it?” DH was blindsided. His eldest understood and was gobsmacked DH didn’t know. He then called his mother to ask and her first response was “well I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think it was important…you don’t like to hear about your ex wife anyway”

Actually typing it all out, it’s even more horrendous. I can fully understand why he’d want to go NC. I just hope he’s making that decision for his peace rather than as punishment. The latter will end up making him feel worse in the long run. I know what he’s like.

OP posts:

SummerDive · 01/08/2026 20:54

@Chunkychips23 your DH decision to go NC isn’t one he has taken in a week.
It’s the consequence of YEARS of manipulation. He might not have quite realised, put words onto it. He migut still have left her have the upper hand but there’s no way he wasn’t at least subconsciously aware about it. As you said, it was just easier. But easier doesn’t mean he didn’t have ‘nibbling feelings’ or that he wasn’t getting hurt.
What happened with his dc is the last straw that broke the camel’s back.

It’s interesting that you say your MIL made some efforts in the last year. After the incident with the ex I imagine. Which means she knew. She knew she had messed up. Also knew she’d better shape up. Personally I’d be pretty pissed off she is showing she can change when she had fine nothing like that for years…..

Topseyt123 · 01/08/2026 20:56

I don't understand why you aren't just relieved that he has finally understood how badly she treated you and has apologised for letting it happen.

Going no contact is his decision to make. He sounds like he has almost made the decision now. Surely you should be supporting him and praising him if he has now decided to cut back drastically on contact with this god awful woman?? She might turn on your kids at some point. I doubt that she is the good grandma you think she is. It's a mask that will slip soon enough.

Also, what does it matter if he is doing this to punish his mother? Surely she deserves it?

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 01/08/2026 20:58

Chunkychips23 · 01/08/2026 20:30

I remember when we first got together, he told me that I was his 3rd favourite woman after his DC and his mother. He didn’t understand why I thought that was something he should keep to himself. After we married, that priority should have shifted and it didn’t, but I didn’t notice until she started competing for his attention and often winning by use of guilt trips and manipulation. There’s been some serious emotional incest going on. She treated DH like a mini husband, expecting him to meet her emotional needs that her emotionally constipated husband didn’t. The more he prioritised me, the harder she fought. A lot of her behaviour towards me postpartum was her trying to put me in my place. DH finally admitted the pressure she put on him and that he felt responsible for her and put my needs behind her wants. My disappointment was easier to deal with than her emotional manipulation.

Show quote history

This suggests… he’s blaming her for his own bad behaviour. He finally realises how badly he treated you, listening to his mother and putting her before you. Now he realises how wrong that was and he’s angry at her, because he knows how badly he failed you.

Original poster

Chunkychips23 · 01/08/2026 21:00

ALovelyPinkUnicorn · 01/08/2026 20:46

This, how can she love the dgc if she’s lied to malevolently break their relationship with their dad? Is she wealthy and that’s why people allow her shitty behaviour @Chunkychips23 ?

Show quote history

They're definitely well off. Not top 10% wealth but very very comfortable. Sent all the kids to boarding school. Plenty of holidays a year and a complete lack of understanding as to why we can’t afford to buy a house or just buy things we need/want without saving. Though she forgets she came from a 2 up 2 down terrace house.

She lied to protect herself and her own image. She knew she’d messed up and should have kept out of it.

I don’t think her wealth is why people have let her get away with it. I think she’s just been an effective manipulator. Especially with DH.

OP posts:

Princessfluffy · 01/08/2026 21:05

This is for your DH to decide and not for you to decide.

JustAnotherWhinger · 01/08/2026 21:06

Chunkychips23 · 01/08/2026 20:51

He found out when his eldest DC mentioned in conversation when talking about the NC DC “well it didn’t help when Grandma went apeshit at mum through did it?” DH was blindsided. His eldest understood and was gobsmacked DH didn’t know. He then called his mother to ask and her first response was “well I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think it was important…you don’t like to hear about your ex wife anyway”

Actually typing it all out, it’s even more horrendous. I can fully understand why he’d want to go NC. I just hope he’s making that decision for his peace rather than as punishment. The latter will end up making him feel worse in the long run. I know what he’s like.

Show quote history

So at no point did she put her GC or your DH before herself and give them the opportunity to repair their relationship… and she didn’t even apologise when he did find out.

Thats horrific.

She’s not a good grandmother. If he’s finally creating a space that will protect your children from her then let him. One of them could be next in line.

Support him. Completely.

Be very aware of her attempts to use you, the DC or others as flying monkeys.

Original poster

Chunkychips23 · 01/08/2026 21:18

Princessfluffy · 01/08/2026 21:05

This is for your DH to decide and not for you to decide.

Absolutely his decision and I will support him if that’s what he decides to do. I gave him my opinion when I asked for it. I’ve not gone on about it or tried to influence him. He’s had enough for that from his mother!

I just worry that this decision will break him. He was a mummy’s boy up to that point.

OP posts:

MaggiesShadow · 01/08/2026 21:28

Sorry, I can't get past what he said. If my now DH had told me I was his "third favourite woman" I'd have been out of there.

It's a weird way to think about your mother and an even weirder thing to say to the woman you want to spend your life with!

ClayPotaLot · 01/08/2026 21:30

Chunkychips23 · 01/08/2026 20:12

His DC had gone low contact with him and MIL due to parental alienation with his ex wife. The DC was beginning to talk to him again and they were making plans to meet up and talk through everything. Then contact suddenly stopped and he was completely blocked. He had no idea again what was said or what had happened. His mother had accosted his ex wife in a busy cafe (they live in a small village) and started shouting at her, blaming her for everything, humiliating her. Don’t get me wrong, his ex wife is not a reasonable or pleasant human being, so would have revelled in his mother acting like that, gone straight home and told their shared DC with several embellishments.

DH was sobbing on the phone to MIL about the sudden complete loss of contact. He couldn’t work out what had happened. She knew the whole time the reason why. If she had told him, he could have at least attempted damage control, but it looked like he set his mum up to it and then ignored it.

She took matters into her own hands rather than just leaving it be. It’s like she hasn’t adjusted to being a parent of adult children and no longer the supreme matriarch who makes all the decisions. She kept quiet about it to save her own skin. She thought she was trying to help initially and royally messed it up.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m far from her number one fan. There was a time where I’d have gladly blocked her and moved on with my life. I think she’s entitled and really needs some therapy herself as I get why she’s the person she is. She’s not a bad person, just a person who’s made bad decisions from good intentions. She’s let her own insecurities get in the way of rational judgment. I also think she’s showing signs of cognitive decline too, which is allowing the worst parts of her to shine through.

Show quote history

This is not a woman you should be encouraging your DC to have a relationship with. This is shocking behaviour and dangerous for your family.

Original poster

Chunkychips23 · 01/08/2026 21:34

MaggiesShadow · 01/08/2026 21:28

Sorry, I can't get past what he said. If my now DH had told me I was his "third favourite woman" I'd have been out of there.

It's a weird way to think about your mother and an even weirder thing to say to the woman you want to spend your life with!

We were early into our relationship at that point. I thought it was weird at the time, but I’d never encountered a mummy’s boy before. We’d never been in a position where his order of priority had come up. At this point I thought she was lovely and enjoyed spending time with her.

OP posts:

Quamarina · 01/08/2026 21:38

I’m really pleased you’ve come round to the stance of supporting him if he goes NC.

When I was planning our wedding, DH was aghast that I wasn’t planning to ask my dad to give me away, something I felt was really my decision. I love my dad very much but he’s hugely unreliable and I couldn’t trust that I wouldn’t be disappointed by him in some way. But he went on and on that I’d regret it, that it would hurt him if I didn’t, that my dad was really excited about it and deep down I think he was embarrassed (?!) about what might his own (dysfunctional but they put on a great front) family would think about it. He was far more concerned about how my dad / he /his family would feel, than how I would feel.

So I did ask my dad and I did dare to hope that he wouldn’t let me down, and of course he didn’t even show up. And fair or not I really resented DH for not just accepting and supporting my first judgement which would have been the right one, I felt like he set me up to be hurt again and embarrassed and that’s not rational or fair, but it is how I felt at the time and for quite some time after.

your DH may be making a mistake, but it’s his to make and what’s the alternative? Keep offering himself up for more lies, toxic BS and drama until she’s dead?

he WILL need your support because people like your MIL have a lifetime of getting away with being a nightmare with no consequences, no doubt his family aren’t used to rocking the MIL boat either, so he needs someone in his corner. Be prepared for her to try to blame you for it too. Wishing you all the best, I know you are coming from a good place.

MaggiesShadow · 01/08/2026 21:40

Chunkychips23 · 01/08/2026 21:34

We were early into our relationship at that point. I thought it was weird at the time, but I’d never encountered a mummy’s boy before. We’d never been in a position where his order of priority had come up. At this point I thought she was lovely and enjoyed spending time with her.

Show quote history

Yeah, I would still get the immediate ick. Ranking a sexual partner in a list with your mother is weird. Their whole emotional incest thing is weird, honestly. Glad he's waking up to it now though.

Original poster

Chunkychips23 · 01/08/2026 21:53

MaggiesShadow · 01/08/2026 21:40

Yeah, I would still get the immediate ick. Ranking a sexual partner in a list with your mother is weird. Their whole emotional incest thing is weird, honestly. Glad he's waking up to it now though.

Show quote history

Don’t get me wrong, I was really weirded out by it. He brought it up out of the blue. I’m now wondering if his mother had pushed him to make sure I knew my place. We were so early on I just put it to the back of my mind as a bit of an icky thing to say, but understanding that his mum was a hero to him. Turns out, that was all a guilt trip too.

I’ve honestly never seen him so angry. He’s questioning everything. From being sent to boarding school when she married his stepfather to her overstepping with his first DC with his ex.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chunkychips23 · 02/08/2026 08:59

Quamarina · 01/08/2026 21:38

I’m really pleased you’ve come round to the stance of supporting him if he goes NC.

When I was planning our wedding, DH was aghast that I wasn’t planning to ask my dad to give me away, something I felt was really my decision. I love my dad very much but he’s hugely unreliable and I couldn’t trust that I wouldn’t be disappointed by him in some way. But he went on and on that I’d regret it, that it would hurt him if I didn’t, that my dad was really excited about it and deep down I think he was embarrassed (?!) about what might his own (dysfunctional but they put on a great front) family would think about it. He was far more concerned about how my dad / he /his family would feel, than how I would feel.

So I did ask my dad and I did dare to hope that he wouldn’t let me down, and of course he didn’t even show up. And fair or not I really resented DH for not just accepting and supporting my first judgement which would have been the right one, I felt like he set me up to be hurt again and embarrassed and that’s not rational or fair, but it is how I felt at the time and for quite some time after.

your DH may be making a mistake, but it’s his to make and what’s the alternative? Keep offering himself up for more lies, toxic BS and drama until she’s dead?

he WILL need your support because people like your MIL have a lifetime of getting away with being a nightmare with no consequences, no doubt his family aren’t used to rocking the MIL boat either, so he needs someone in his corner. Be prepared for her to try to blame you for it too. Wishing you all the best, I know you are coming from a good place.

Oh I know myself and his therapist are going to get the blame for putting ideas in her head. She’ll have her family freeze me out again, like she did postpartum. It can’t possibly be her obedient son, it’s everyone else!

I wish for her own son’s sake she just takes accountability and apologises. In her head she’s done nothing wrong, just looking out for her own child.

Turns out she’s interfered with another of her kids marriages. Her DC has had an affair and she turned up at his house whilst his wife was chucking him out. She stood on the doorstep calling his wife a psycho, then proceeded to tell everyone. Last time I saw her, she was telling me it was all her DIL’s fault as she’s so controlling so her son did what he did as she was crushing his spirit.

The more I type, the more I feel my empathy for her is entirely misplaced. This is her own making.

Another commenter noted that she was probably only improving her behaviour towards me because she felt guilty about what she did to DH at the time. After speaking with DH the timeline matched up perfectly. She ruined his relationship with his DC and then suddenly started being nice to me immediately afterwards. I guess a mixture of guilt and hoping to get me on side incase it all came out.

NC is actually the only way I think now. She hasn’t learned and won’t unless she gets the space to do so.

OP posts:

PopcornKitten · 02/08/2026 11:28

Chunkychips23 · 01/08/2026 20:30

I remember when we first got together, he told me that I was his 3rd favourite woman after his DC and his mother. He didn’t understand why I thought that was something he should keep to himself. After we married, that priority should have shifted and it didn’t, but I didn’t notice until she started competing for his attention and often winning by use of guilt trips and manipulation. There’s been some serious emotional incest going on. She treated DH like a mini husband, expecting him to meet her emotional needs that her emotionally constipated husband didn’t. The more he prioritised me, the harder she fought. A lot of her behaviour towards me postpartum was her trying to put me in my place. DH finally admitted the pressure she put on him and that he felt responsible for her and put my needs behind her wants. My disappointment was easier to deal with than her emotional manipulation.

Show quote history

Wow- totally enmeshed behaviour.
ive read through all your updates. I think all the advice to step back is 100% spot on. I agree with posters who are saying that the niceness to you has only occurred due to her being caught out. There’s the possibility of her using you or the DC as flying monkeys. Definitely allow your DH to navigate this.
i assumed, like you, that priorities would shift between family or origin to family we create and learnt the hard way. It was certainly easier for my DP to deal with my disappointment and anger than risk upsetting PIL. Like you I / we put up with it for years until the final straw. DP felt guilt over being a ‘bad Partner’ and also sadness/ anger at losing his family of origin.
your DH is showing you that he now sees everything.
also don’t worry about what people think of you, no matter what you do they will have these thoughts so just focus on moving forwards.

Original poster

Chunkychips23 · 04/08/2026 17:23

So he’s preceding with no contact. MIL dragged BIL into it. After he initially sided with DH, MIL turned up at his house and now he’s blaming me and DH for making stuff up. I’ve been called a liar and told to prove it. Which I can’t to most things as she was very careful how she’d say a lot of her comments when people left the room. There are a couple of witnesses to her behaviour at least like the baby snatching and running off, turning up at random times, walking into our house etc. I told DH they wouldn’t believe me anyway and MIL would say I’ve said this to drive them apart.

BIL said that it’s DH’s own fault his DC isn’t speaking to him and he’s being vile to their mum as she was just trying to help. I can imagine her poisonous little smirk as he was saying this to DH.

So, how do you go about NC? Do I just block them all or just limit what they can see on my social media? I feel like I want to say my bit too as I’m not being called a liar. But that won’t help things will it?

OP posts:

Notquitethetruth · 04/08/2026 18:09

Just block all their numbers and unfollow them on social media. The flying monkey that is your BIL needs blocking as well.
Do not engage on any level with any of them. Refuse to discuss what's happened with any extended family. Just say you both tried and you are now moving on.
Your MIL will not give up easily and there will be more flying monkeys coming along and trying to stir up trouble.
Good luck to you all. Hopefully he will repair his relationship with his older children.
You say nothing. That will have more of an effect on them than you. Starve them of more drama.