Active discussions

Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel overshadowed by my husband's need for attention?

35 replies

SayMyNamex2 · 01/08/2026 17:06

My recently retired husband absolutely has to be front and centre of anything going on, and it's driving me mad.

We've been married 28 years (today). He's always has a bit of a tendency to monopolise social situations so that everyone is laughing and joking with him, at my expense some of the time - although this part was dealt with pretty much (however, he still likes to be seen as having the upper hand one way or another). He really cannot bear what he perceives to be a lack of acknowledgement. It got a lot worse about 10 years ago, due to the influence of one particular work colleague who he observed was better than him at 'holding court', and from there on he upped his game. I thought it might eventually die down back to his normal level, but it has not. I'm finding it unmanageable and deeply annoying.

For several years, I've gradually avoided introducing him to new friends/acquaintances because I know he will want to completely take over. He massively lays on the charm, overshares sensitive information, and generally looks for ways he can gain approval with the new person. Two years ago, I regretted introducing him to a cousin I had not seen since childhood for these reasons. It was embarrassing having him trying to 'outdo' everything I said by telling more impressive (and sometimes more extreme/inappropriate) anecdotes, and generally showing off. To use an expression my kids would say, he's a bit of a 'Pick Me'.

I'm posting this today because it's our wedding anniversary, but he's been busy most of the day lapping up attention from a post he's made on at least 3 SM accounts about the fact he's retired from a long career. Everyone is being lovely about it, of course as it is a big deal, but they don't know he's barely acknowledged our anniversary today. When I've tried speaking to him about it in the past he either gets angry, defensive or is in complete denial. My issue is always shut down. Interestingly, he admits feeling jealous of my meetups with friends and/or family that he's not a part of.

Please tell me if IBU. I want to celebrate this big milestone with him, but I'm highly irritated and cannot find the good grace to do so. Every time his notification goes off i feel mad.

Should I suck it up for this one day. No one's perfect after all!

OP posts:
LinnetsWing · 01/08/2026 17:08

Except it's not just one day. This sounds like a hardened-in bad habit, which is unbearable to be around, especially if he's prepared to use you as the punchline for his monologues.

SoScarletItWas · 01/08/2026 17:13

It’s not just one day, though - and I fear it’s about to get a lot worse now he’s retired and has limited opportunities to Hold Court.

I would have to talk to him about it. And if he carries on I’d point it out when we got home. And if he STILL carried on, I’d be calling it out at the time - ‘Oh Gerald can you drop the Abraham Lincoln and go and fetch more drinks, let someone else get a word in’

Happy anniversary from MN 💐

ohdeardeereverywhere · 01/08/2026 17:18

Yuck, I would hate this. You say you can’t discuss it with him as he gets defensive, so I’d go the nuclear route. Everytime he starts “Oh so stop showing off Darling, you’re 60 not 6” or “you aren’t going to start droning on again are you Gerald, it’s ever so dull when you do”.
He won’t like it, but you don’t like it when he’s being boring pick me man, so tough shit.

whippersnapper55 · 01/08/2026 20:17

You don't sound like you like him very much. It sounds like that's just his personality, I doubt he's changed a great deal in 28 years and it's just that you find it more annoying than you did before. Social Media is a bit of a nightmare for feeding the ego and the dopamine boost he's getting from all the responses he's getting are real. Usually people who behave like your husband suffer from insecurity which is why they're always seeking the approval and adulation of others.

Bonkers1966 · 01/08/2026 20:44

I would hate this behaviour with every cell in my body. It's gonna get worse now that he's retired. Jeez

Victorius19 · 01/08/2026 20:44

I'm sorry your anniversary has been hogged by him. Men like this are desperate for attention, and it's exhausting.... DH can be the same. Sometimes I have to tap him on the arm when he's being very dominating. He doesn't realise that he talks very loudly, and doesn't always hear what people are saying back. I tell him time and time again that it's polite to let other people join in the conversation.

I wish I had the answer, OP.

tiptoptoemaytoe · 01/08/2026 20:46

I’m in the process of divorcing a dickhead like this.

Rumpledandcrumpled · 01/08/2026 20:57

Did he retire yesterday op? I’m trying to work out the clash here.

cupfinalchaos · 01/08/2026 21:00

My dh is like yours.. a charismatic people person who just attracts people. I’ve always admired him though, it doesn’t irritate me.. if I can’t get a word in I’ll just tell him to shut up. He would never, ever though forget an anniversary and always spoils me rotten.

You know what they say about retirement.. married for life but not for lunch!

Hydrangeasallaround · 01/08/2026 21:19

Sorry no practical advice but he sounds a bit like Pam Ayres' poem "They should have asked my husband". If you Google it you might find it familiar!

SerendipityCat · 02/08/2026 13:39

I have a relative who would describe himself, to use a pp's phrase, "a charismatic people person". He's certainly well-educated, well-read, highly articulate, has a thoughtful opinion to offer on pretty much any subject, and an anecdote for every occasion.
He's also relentlessly egotistical and crushingly boring, with zero self-awareness. I can feel my will to live draining out through the soles of my feet every time he starts holding forth. I'm so thankful he's normally too busy with his Big Important Job to come to many family occasions, but when he actually does descend from Mount Olympus to mix with us lumpen folk it's a soul-shrivelling experience.
I wish I could offer constructive advice, but I've been trying to politely shut him down for nearly 20 years. I fear a cattle prod might be the only answer.

Likeiloveyou · 02/08/2026 16:55

He sounds insufferable.

Original poster
SayMyNamex2 · 02/08/2026 22:46

Thanks for your responses and for your support, which was very much needed.

Just before bed yesterday, to my shock DH said he didn't feel as if we'd really celebrated our anniversary. I fully agreed, saying it was because he'd spent all day basking in the 'likes', praise and admiration of his SM friends. He admitted he'd got it wrong and that he'd been selfish and insensitive. It's highly unusual for him to realise, let alone admit, this sort of thing without it being spelt out. He said he'd make it up to me and even apologised meaningfully!

However, like many of you have pointed out, this behaviour is not a one-off, unfortunately. Somehow, he's got the instinct to know when his knobbish behaviour has crossed the line too far and he starts making the right reconciliatory noises. Due to my anxiety (brought on by childhood trauma and his horrible, belittling behaviour during our married life together), I know I'm just not strong enough to leave, although I know I should. His behaviour yesterday highlighted how important I am to him, ie, not very. I've known this for quite some time now anyway and have repeatedly attempted to address this with him, as I mentioned earlier. So it looks like I'm stuck in this cycle. It helps to know so many voters consider that IANBU.

I keep wondering how the hell I've let this get so far??! When we met, I was a fiercely capable independent young woman, with a great career. I've stupidly let him chip away at my corners for decades, and now I'm stuck and at his mercy knowing he will never change. WTAF?! 😭

Thanks for showing me so much understanding 💐❤️💐❤️💐❤️💐

OP posts:
Original poster
SayMyNamex2 · 02/08/2026 22:52

Hydrangeasallaround · 01/08/2026 21:19

Sorry no practical advice but he sounds a bit like Pam Ayres' poem "They should have asked my husband". If you Google it you might find it familiar!

Yes, this doesn't sound unfamiliar 🤣

OP posts:
EmailsaysOOO · 02/08/2026 23:05

But how can you cope with living with him if he really is so awful ? How do you do it ? And why do you do it ? And how do your kids cope ? .I don't understand.

Original poster
SayMyNamex2 · 02/08/2026 23:40

EmailsaysOOO · 02/08/2026 23:05

But how can you cope with living with him if he really is so awful ? How do you do it ? And why do you do it ? And how do your kids cope ? .I don't understand.

I cope one day at a time. He's not 100% awful, but bad enough to know I should call it quits. I just do not have the strength to leave. I get nasty physical responses to stress (largely due to his horrible, bullying, shouty behaviour over the years). My past trauma mean I just cannot begin to think of the logistics of walking away. He doesn't belittle the kids to their faces but says AWFUL things about them behind closed doors. They don't know the full picture of what he's really like - I'd say they know about maybe 60%.

The retirement thing is particularly galling as I minimised my career trajectory so his could flourish. He gets showered with praise for a long successful career. I'm not even acknowledged. He didn't even go for the career promotions he said he aspired to when mine took a back seat. I'm mad at myself for allowing myself to be browbeaten into submission. He retires with full colours and a fantastic pension, I get no recognition and a hugely compromised pension. My own fault.

Oh, and of course, NO ONE else sees that nasty, aggressive, bullying side to his character. To the outside world he is charm personified.

OP posts:
EmailsaysOOO · 03/08/2026 10:14

I'm so sorry you're in this position,, OP. As you realise, you need to try and leave.You owe it to yourself. He is mean, a bully and emotionally abusive. You know all this. You cannot be expected to stay with him..

Please, please, please, find a way to see a solicitor, Women's AID Or any other domestic violence charity to get the process moving. You deserve a happier future than this. You know you do. Best wishes

InterestedDad37 · 03/08/2026 10:29

You don't have to take this into your old age, you know. You can make a change for the better. You don't have to spend the rest of your life in the shade of a big tree with shallow roots.
I know a number of men like this, and everyone is secretly muttering "wanker" under their breath.

Naurrr · 03/08/2026 10:38

You're only stuck and at his mercy if you choose to be.
There was nothing to celebrate.
Speak to women's aid and a solicitor to find out more information about equity split, or WikiVorce. A life of peace a joy is an option.

Cockerpoomom · 03/08/2026 10:43

This would be my worst nightmare. I HATE attention seekers with a passion and ones who have to dull everyone else's sparkle to get attention for themselves.

Eventually you will sort of lose yourself coz it's lik you cant have a voice around others without him taking the limelight. It's such an unattractive trait.

My BIL always has to have the attention , you would think my Sister and the kids lived elsewhere because he bigs himself up so much and when having a conversation it's all about him. I , I, I. He's such a big headed fool and it makes me cringe. I don't like having a conversation with him.

It's the same on social media though ATM, so many narcissists who have people draping all over them with compliments and it makes the situation worse. The constant need for validation is being created in a lot of people due to sm.

I don't know what you can do about it but for me it would make me want to avoid him as much as I possibly could.

BauhausOfEliott · 03/08/2026 10:49

He's not 100% awful

He absolutely is.

Even if he isn't 100% awful... 'not 100% awful' is an incredibly low bar to set. Obviously, nobody is perfect. but it's abundantly clear this man's faults are very, very serious and far outweigh anything good about him.

He is an insecure egomaniac obsessed with the attention of others.
He humiliates you in public.
He is aggressive.
He shouts at you.
He is a bully.
He says vile things to you ABOUT YOUR OWN CHILDREN.
He was so abusive to you that IT MADE YOU PHYSICALLY ILL.

Seriously, you need some counselling or advice to help you understand that you need to leave him. You might not feel strong enough right now, but you can do it. Don't waste the rest of your life on this utter cunt of a man.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 03/08/2026 10:52

You must be a saint as I’d have clipped his wings years ago. Nothing worse than a jolly know it all.

Original poster
SayMyNamex2 · 04/08/2026 08:16

InterestedDad37 · 03/08/2026 10:29

You don't have to take this into your old age, you know. You can make a change for the better. You don't have to spend the rest of your life in the shade of a big tree with shallow roots.
I know a number of men like this, and everyone is secretly muttering "wanker" under their breath.

To me, it doesn't look like anyone is muttering "wanker" about him. He's fantastic at getting people on board. Weirdly though, this characteristic doesn't seem to lead to him having any real friends. He has observed several times that I'm his only real friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
SayMyNamex2 · 04/08/2026 08:25

EmailsaysOOO · 03/08/2026 10:14

I'm so sorry you're in this position,, OP. As you realise, you need to try and leave.You owe it to yourself. He is mean, a bully and emotionally abusive. You know all this. You cannot be expected to stay with him..

Please, please, please, find a way to see a solicitor, Women's AID Or any other domestic violence charity to get the process moving. You deserve a happier future than this. You know you do. Best wishes

Women's Aid sounds like a good plan actually. I'll look into that today. Thanks.

What's weird is that a few years ago I suggested to him that we should split. Suddenly, all the issues which concerned me for several years, that he'd previously thought "made no sense whatsoever" magically melted away, and he said he could change to address all of them, and that he was happy to do so. Trouble is he's found other ways of being his true self.

OP posts:
Original poster
SayMyNamex2 · 04/08/2026 08:32

@Cockerpoomom This TOTALLY sums it up "ones who have to dull everyone else's sparkle to get attention for themselves.
Eventually you will sort of lose yourself coz it's lik you cant have a voice around others without him taking the limelight."

Strangely, it's a trait he utterly detests in other people. In private, he often will complain to me of others 'dominating' the conversation. However, he just cannot see this is exactly what he does too.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread