AIBU to feel overshadowed by my husband's need for attention?

SayMyNamex2 · 2026-08-01T16:06:16+00:00

My recently retired husband absolutely has to be front and centre of anything going on, and it's driving me mad. We've been married 28 years (today). He's always has a bit of a tendency to monopolise social situations so that everyone is laughing and joking with him, at my expense some of the time - although this part was dealt with pretty much (however, he still likes to be seen as having the upper hand one way or another). He really cannot bear what he perceives to be a lack of acknowledgement. It got a lot worse about 10 years ago, due to the influence of one particular work colleague who he observed was better than him at 'holding court', and from there on he upped his game. I thought it might eventually die down back to his normal level, but it has not. I'm finding it unmanageable and deeply annoying. For several years, I've gradually avoided introducing him to new friends/acquaintances because I know he will want to completely take over. He massively lays on the charm, overshares sensitive information, and generally looks for ways he can gain approval with the new person. Two years ago, I regretted introducing him to a cousin I had not seen since childhood for these reasons. It was embarrassing having him trying to 'outdo' everything I said by telling more impressive (and sometimes more extreme/inappropriate) anecdotes, and generally showing off. To use an expression my kids would say, he's a bit of a 'Pick Me'. I'm posting this today because it's our wedding anniversary, but he's been busy most of the day lapping up attention from a post he's made on at least 3 SM accounts about the fact he's retired from a long career. Everyone is being lovely about it, of course as it is a big deal, but they don't know he's barely acknowledged our anniversary today. When I've tried speaking to him about it in the past he either gets angry, defensive or is in complete denial. My issue is always shut down. Interestingly, he admits feeling jealous of my meetups with friends and/or family that he's not a part of. Please tell me if IBU. I want to celebrate this big milestone with him, but I'm highly irritated and cannot find the good grace to do so. Every time his notification goes off i feel mad. Should I suck it up for this one day. No one's perfect after all!

Original poster

SayMyNamex2 · 05/08/2026 07:58

Thanks for your responses 💐💐💐
I'm amazed and touched at everyone's ability to perfectly see what I've been putting up with all these years.
I tried having a chat with him last night about how I'm seeing the situation. He unreservedly apologised about the anniversary situation (he's keen to make it up to me), but struggled to understand the broader issues, e.g. of his attention seeking behaviour and his nastiness towards me (to my face), and towards our kids (behind their backs, mostly). On these points, and other related problems, he got defensive and annoyed.
Anyway, I told him I'm not interested in hearing the same old hackneyed defensive responses and denials. If he really means it when he says he wants to make it up to me, it goes beyond taking me out for 'a nice lunch'. I want him to do some proper soul searching, and think why is it he is so belittling towards his family, whilst being charming and amusing to acquaintances and strangers. He did not like this at all, as he is keen to make it up and move on.
So, we'll see what he comes up with.
I'm definitely looking to contact women's aid regardles, as I'm hearing the message from you all on here louder and more clearly than I've ever allowed myself previously. Thank you for opening my eyes.

OP posts:

BauhausOfEliott · 04/08/2026 09:59

cupfinalchaos · 01/08/2026 21:00

My dh is like yours.. a charismatic people person who just attracts people. I’ve always admired him though, it doesn’t irritate me.. if I can’t get a word in I’ll just tell him to shut up. He would never, ever though forget an anniversary and always spoils me rotten.

You know what they say about retirement.. married for life but not for lunch!

Your DH is not like the OP’s at all.

The OP’s DH isn’t naturally charismatic at all. He just hogs attention. Not the same thing at all. He doesn’t ‘just attract’ people. He has to forcefully gain their attention through negative behaviours like belittling his own wife and competing with others to dominate the conversation. He’s not charismatic; he’s a self-obsessed bully.

Dragonfly97 · 04/08/2026 09:52

Jesus OP, he sounds like my dad. It also sounds a bit like insecurity; my dad has this constant need to be fussed over by other people, my mum was younger than him by 6 years, and fussed over him and made him feel important. She died a few yeaes ago, and dad made new friends and socialises a lot, but the minute he has a health issue he turns into a big baby and expects me to fuss over him, even though he's treated me with disdain my whole life. He's not a nice person.

I've distanced myself from him as when he's well we never hear from him, I know he's said horrible things about me and bullied me as a child, so I'm low contact with him. I realise it's harder for you, but I do wonder how he treated your children; did he compete for your affection when they were little? He reminds me of my dad.

AmandaHoldensLips · 04/08/2026 09:51

You are just a pawn in his Theatre Of Me. Let me guess - you also do everything to facilitate his life - all the drudge and "wifework" that is of course below his pay grade.

He didn't want to separate because it would be (a) a huge inconvenience to him and (b) a division of assets compromising "his" money.

Do you really want to spend whatever is left of your life with a self-centred boor? You deserve to be happy on your own terms, to do things that bring you joy, and newsflash: he is not the boss of you or the king of the universe.

There's a brighter, happier future for you out there. Go ahead and take it.

NeatPinkFinch · 04/08/2026 09:28

OP, if you actually did LTB things would eventually get better for you. If you stay however they will only get worse.

BettyJoanPerske · 04/08/2026 09:10

cupfinalchaos · 01/08/2026 21:00

My dh is like yours.. a charismatic people person who just attracts people. I’ve always admired him though, it doesn’t irritate me.. if I can’t get a word in I’ll just tell him to shut up. He would never, ever though forget an anniversary and always spoils me rotten.

You know what they say about retirement.. married for life but not for lunch!

Your husband doesn't really sound like the OP's at all. Some people are just naturally charismatic. I would bet that OP's husband is a lot less popular than he'd like to think. He sounds like a real try-hard.

BlueFahrenheit · 04/08/2026 09:00

I would leave.

The hills would be alive with the sound of my footsteps running away from him.

Hazelwoods · 04/08/2026 08:59

I have a brother like this. It's just cringey. The part about holding court resonates with me.

He will initially charm people and be the centre of attention. But after a while he tends to fall out with people or be unable to sustain relationships. He's been married twice and has cheated on every girlfriend/wife he's had, although he'd absolutely swear blind he hasn't there's always an overlap.

I have gone very low contact with him now as I hate how he behaves socially. I don't like him as a person and I've definitely taken a giant step back. He is also the kind of person to make horrible remarks behind people's backs, including children, so I really don't want him around my kids.

Took me a long time to really see it but once you do see it, you can't unsee it.

Don't waste anymore of your life in this horrible situation. Start building an exit plan.

Wofflewaffle · 04/08/2026 08:45

What's weird is that a few years ago I suggested to him that we should split. Suddenly, all the issues which concerned me for several years, that he'd previously thought "made no sense whatsoever" magically melted away, and he said he could change to address all of them, and that he was happy to do so. Trouble is he's found other ways of being his true self.

can you elaborate on this?

What’s your wider family situation? what children do you have and how do they feel about their father? What are his parents / siblings like? Are you really the only person who sees through his mask?

Original poster

SayMyNamex2 · 04/08/2026 08:37

BauhausOfEliott · 03/08/2026 10:49

He's not 100% awful

He absolutely is.

Even if he isn't 100% awful... 'not 100% awful' is an incredibly low bar to set. Obviously, nobody is perfect. but it's abundantly clear this man's faults are very, very serious and far outweigh anything good about him.

He is an insecure egomaniac obsessed with the attention of others.
He humiliates you in public.
He is aggressive.
He shouts at you.
He is a bully.
He says vile things to you ABOUT YOUR OWN CHILDREN.
He was so abusive to you that IT MADE YOU PHYSICALLY ILL.

Seriously, you need some counselling or advice to help you understand that you need to leave him. You might not feel strong enough right now, but you can do it. Don't waste the rest of your life on this utter cunt of a man.

Thanks for laying it out this way. I swinging back and forth thinking why I should/shouldn't leave him.
However, seeing it all laid out as a list really drums home what I should do.

OP posts:

Original poster

SayMyNamex2 · 04/08/2026 08:32

@Cockerpoomom This TOTALLY sums it up "ones who have to dull everyone else's sparkle to get attention for themselves.
Eventually you will sort of lose yourself coz it's lik you cant have a voice around others without him taking the limelight."

Strangely, it's a trait he utterly detests in other people. In private, he often will complain to me of others 'dominating' the conversation. However, he just cannot see this is exactly what he does too.

OP posts:

Original poster

SayMyNamex2 · 04/08/2026 08:25

EmailsaysOOO · 03/08/2026 10:14

I'm so sorry you're in this position,, OP. As you realise, you need to try and leave.You owe it to yourself. He is mean, a bully and emotionally abusive. You know all this. You cannot be expected to stay with him..

Please, please, please, find a way to see a solicitor, Women's AID Or any other domestic violence charity to get the process moving. You deserve a happier future than this. You know you do. Best wishes

Women's Aid sounds like a good plan actually. I'll look into that today. Thanks.

What's weird is that a few years ago I suggested to him that we should split. Suddenly, all the issues which concerned me for several years, that he'd previously thought "made no sense whatsoever" magically melted away, and he said he could change to address all of them, and that he was happy to do so. Trouble is he's found other ways of being his true self.

OP posts:

Original poster

SayMyNamex2 · 04/08/2026 08:16

InterestedDad37 · 03/08/2026 10:29

You don't have to take this into your old age, you know. You can make a change for the better. You don't have to spend the rest of your life in the shade of a big tree with shallow roots.
I know a number of men like this, and everyone is secretly muttering "wanker" under their breath.

To me, it doesn't look like anyone is muttering "wanker" about him. He's fantastic at getting people on board. Weirdly though, this characteristic doesn't seem to lead to him having any real friends. He has observed several times that I'm his only real friend.

OP posts:

EmeraldShamrock000 · 03/08/2026 10:52

You must be a saint as I’d have clipped his wings years ago. Nothing worse than a jolly know it all.

BauhausOfEliott · 03/08/2026 10:49

He's not 100% awful

He absolutely is.

Even if he isn't 100% awful... 'not 100% awful' is an incredibly low bar to set. Obviously, nobody is perfect. but it's abundantly clear this man's faults are very, very serious and far outweigh anything good about him.

He is an insecure egomaniac obsessed with the attention of others.
He humiliates you in public.
He is aggressive.
He shouts at you.
He is a bully.
He says vile things to you ABOUT YOUR OWN CHILDREN.
He was so abusive to you that IT MADE YOU PHYSICALLY ILL.

Seriously, you need some counselling or advice to help you understand that you need to leave him. You might not feel strong enough right now, but you can do it. Don't waste the rest of your life on this utter cunt of a man.

Cockerpoomom · 03/08/2026 10:43

This would be my worst nightmare. I HATE attention seekers with a passion and ones who have to dull everyone else's sparkle to get attention for themselves.

Eventually you will sort of lose yourself coz it's lik you cant have a voice around others without him taking the limelight. It's such an unattractive trait.

My BIL always has to have the attention , you would think my Sister and the kids lived elsewhere because he bigs himself up so much and when having a conversation it's all about him. I , I, I. He's such a big headed fool and it makes me cringe. I don't like having a conversation with him.

It's the same on social media though ATM, so many narcissists who have people draping all over them with compliments and it makes the situation worse. The constant need for validation is being created in a lot of people due to sm.

I don't know what you can do about it but for me it would make me want to avoid him as much as I possibly could.

Naurrr · 03/08/2026 10:38

You're only stuck and at his mercy if you choose to be.
There was nothing to celebrate.
Speak to women's aid and a solicitor to find out more information about equity split, or WikiVorce. A life of peace a joy is an option.

InterestedDad37 · 03/08/2026 10:29

You don't have to take this into your old age, you know. You can make a change for the better. You don't have to spend the rest of your life in the shade of a big tree with shallow roots.
I know a number of men like this, and everyone is secretly muttering "wanker" under their breath.

EmailsaysOOO · 03/08/2026 10:14

I'm so sorry you're in this position,, OP. As you realise, you need to try and leave.You owe it to yourself. He is mean, a bully and emotionally abusive. You know all this. You cannot be expected to stay with him..

Please, please, please, find a way to see a solicitor, Women's AID Or any other domestic violence charity to get the process moving. You deserve a happier future than this. You know you do. Best wishes

Original poster

SayMyNamex2 · 02/08/2026 23:40

EmailsaysOOO · 02/08/2026 23:05

But how can you cope with living with him if he really is so awful ? How do you do it ? And why do you do it ? And how do your kids cope ? .I don't understand.

I cope one day at a time. He's not 100% awful, but bad enough to know I should call it quits. I just do not have the strength to leave. I get nasty physical responses to stress (largely due to his horrible, bullying, shouty behaviour over the years). My past trauma mean I just cannot begin to think of the logistics of walking away. He doesn't belittle the kids to their faces but says AWFUL things about them behind closed doors. They don't know the full picture of what he's really like - I'd say they know about maybe 60%.

The retirement thing is particularly galling as I minimised my career trajectory so his could flourish. He gets showered with praise for a long successful career. I'm not even acknowledged. He didn't even go for the career promotions he said he aspired to when mine took a back seat. I'm mad at myself for allowing myself to be browbeaten into submission. He retires with full colours and a fantastic pension, I get no recognition and a hugely compromised pension. My own fault.

Oh, and of course, NO ONE else sees that nasty, aggressive, bullying side to his character. To the outside world he is charm personified.

OP posts:

EmailsaysOOO · 02/08/2026 23:05

But how can you cope with living with him if he really is so awful ? How do you do it ? And why do you do it ? And how do your kids cope ? .I don't understand.

Original poster

SayMyNamex2 · 02/08/2026 22:52

Hydrangeasallaround · 01/08/2026 21:19

Sorry no practical advice but he sounds a bit like Pam Ayres' poem "They should have asked my husband". If you Google it you might find it familiar!

Yes, this doesn't sound unfamiliar 🤣

OP posts:

Original poster

SayMyNamex2 · 02/08/2026 22:46

Thanks for your responses and for your support, which was very much needed.

Just before bed yesterday, to my shock DH said he didn't feel as if we'd really celebrated our anniversary. I fully agreed, saying it was because he'd spent all day basking in the 'likes', praise and admiration of his SM friends. He admitted he'd got it wrong and that he'd been selfish and insensitive. It's highly unusual for him to realise, let alone admit, this sort of thing without it being spelt out. He said he'd make it up to me and even apologised meaningfully!

However, like many of you have pointed out, this behaviour is not a one-off, unfortunately. Somehow, he's got the instinct to know when his knobbish behaviour has crossed the line too far and he starts making the right reconciliatory noises. Due to my anxiety (brought on by childhood trauma and his horrible, belittling behaviour during our married life together), I know I'm just not strong enough to leave, although I know I should. His behaviour yesterday highlighted how important I am to him, ie, not very. I've known this for quite some time now anyway and have repeatedly attempted to address this with him, as I mentioned earlier. So it looks like I'm stuck in this cycle. It helps to know so many voters consider that IANBU.

I keep wondering how the hell I've let this get so far??! When we met, I was a fiercely capable independent young woman, with a great career. I've stupidly let him chip away at my corners for decades, and now I'm stuck and at his mercy knowing he will never change. WTAF?! 😭

Thanks for showing me so much understanding 💐❤️💐❤️💐❤️💐

OP posts:

Likeiloveyou · 02/08/2026 16:55

He sounds insufferable.

SerendipityCat · 02/08/2026 13:39

I have a relative who would describe himself, to use a pp's phrase, "a charismatic people person". He's certainly well-educated, well-read, highly articulate, has a thoughtful opinion to offer on pretty much any subject, and an anecdote for every occasion.
He's also relentlessly egotistical and crushingly boring, with zero self-awareness. I can feel my will to live draining out through the soles of my feet every time he starts holding forth. I'm so thankful he's normally too busy with his Big Important Job to come to many family occasions, but when he actually does descend from Mount Olympus to mix with us lumpen folk it's a soul-shrivelling experience.
I wish I could offer constructive advice, but I've been trying to politely shut him down for nearly 20 years. I fear a cattle prod might be the only answer.