Row over partner's new job

Are you okay? He hasn't even started the job yet and you've mapped out the rest of his life down to his Christmas unemployment.

Take a chill pill. You either dump him over something that hasn't even happened, just this imaginary scenario that you've concocted in your head, or you chill the heck out and see what happens.

I had a bf who did this once, so I get where you are coming from, OP. We didn't last much longer.

Not sure why people are calling you controlling: it is quite obviously going to impact on how you spend time together, so you would have hoped it would have merited a discussion!

As @PurpleCoo suggests, can you travel to see him during the week?

It sounds like you both have very different ideas about what this relationship actually is and this new job has brought that to light. You are far more invested while he's happy for you to fit into his life at his convenience. The fact that he didn't discuss the job with you speaks volumes - he doesn't value your opinion.

I'm not sure after 4 years it's possible for you to scale down your expectations and accept that the relationship only works when you go along with his decisions and are not allowed to voice an opinion without him getting angry. I wouldn't want a relationship like this.

Can you just not go to see him in the week, especially if you work from home?

People move to 'lesser' roles for lots of reasons. Perhaps he wants a less stressful role or less responsibility. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. People in management roles often step down as they don't get the hands on/every day stuff that's what made them go into their profession or role.

I do find it odd though that he wouldn't discuss things with you. But your role wouldn't be to tell him what he should or shouldn't do, as it's not your decision. Your role would be to be someone for him to talk through his thought processes and be a sounding board.

Do you ever travel to him for date night? I’d be bloody hurt if I were him and you were pissed about how a new job affects you.

You expect to be kept informed and consulted about his life plans. Fair enough. But your response strikes me as quite disrespecting of him and his choices.

I predict he will soon have a new girlfriend to go with the new job, probably one who is willing to do her fair share of the travelling.

I'm not one who says you can't be partners without living together. My mum and stepdad never lived together, even after they married, and they were definitely partners.

But it really doesn't sound like you to are partners @MyPlumHelper . If two "date nights" a week Fe causing so much consternation, then it sounds like these make up a significant part, if not the bulk of your time spent together at the moment. If that's the case, then that's not partnership, your lives aren't joined together. You're two separate individuals who see each other a few times a week as boyfriend and girlfriend. In which case, I don't think you really get much of a day in whether he takes a job or not

I think it’s a hard one because you don’t live together, so presumably no shared finances, and so the discussion about a new job probably doesn’t feel necessary for him, I don’t think it would for me either?

I would discuss any job changes with my husband and I know he would with me but that’s because it would impact our household, finances, kids, logistics. I wouldn’t feel I had to discuss a job change with someone I have one date night a week with & then spend weekends with because really the weekends (assuming new job is Mon-Fri) won’t be impacted by job change and one date night a week isn’t a major part of my life, certainly not enough to negate the benefits of a job I want.

But kindly, you’re girlfriend boyfriend.

you have no plans to ever progress past this point. That’s not life partner material at all.

I'm with your partner. His career is none of your business. I wouldn't even think to consult a partner I wasn't living with. I wouldn't call him not telling you about his application a lie. A lot of people don't broadcast a job application.
You have made this all about you but it isn't really anything to do with you.

Absolutely this 👏👏

You sound very controlling. It’s his life and career, you don’t really get a say.

You don’t live together and don’t share finances so what exactly are you partnering in? Sex?

YABVU and honestly you’re coming across as controlling.

Unless I had children with someone or lived with someone and the new salary didn’t cover my half of the bills, then it is absolutely nothing to do with my DP what job I do.

If a man had the same opinions as you over my new job then I would honestly be rethinking the entire relationship.

Yes it was convenient that he worked near where you lived but there’s nothing stopping you from just taking in turns to go to each others homes.

You’re acting like he’s moving country.

That was rude. The previous poster was correct, you aren't partners, partners, whether they live together not, have shared lives, they don't have dates.

I don’t think you were unreasonable to voice your opinion on his career after all you have been together for 4 years not 4 months. My DH has voiced his opinion on my career at times and vice versa. Ultimately my DH and I have the final say over our own careers but we give each other the respect to hear the other person out without losing our temper.

You will find out how much your partner values the relationship by how much time/effort he makes to see you for date nights and whether he’s available for you going over to see him. So just wait and see what happens and how you feel before rushing into any decisions about ending the relationship.

Well neither does she, partners support each other, not rip each other apart as she is,

You sound controlling to me. It’s his choice, he’s moving to a Job he’s excited for and pays more, there is no need for you to be so utterly horrible about it. Even fantasitising he will be unemployed. It reads like what he thinks all yoire fussed about is your date nights.

It’s not a derogatory comment, it’s a statement of fact. He clearly doesn’t see the relationship as a partnership either.

It sounds like you shouldn’t be in a relationship.

It’s obv not about just the date night but about the fact he isn’t treating you as a partner. Why did he take this job? Did he lose the previous one?

At least you’ve got your own house and independence so no practical or financial bonds if it doesn’t work out x

You are being controlling. You need to end the relationship because it’s bringing out the worst in you.

this doesn’t sound like an adult attitude to a relationship at all.

You’re being completely unreasonable and sound controlling.
You don’t live together so his finances have little impact on you (unless he can’t afford to do things). He has said he will still come to meet you and you could always go to him.
it sounds like you don’t trust him to make his own career choices and you are just worried about how this affects you.

It's fine for the two of you not to live together or make a permanent commitment. Well done both of you on that. But you can't then expect to be able to pretty much dictate to this man where and how he lives his life, including his job, which is obviously a key part. I mean, I'd think twice about saying anything of this nature to my husband, who I've lived with for decades.
It strikes me that you want the best elements of both single life, and being in a couple, and that's just not possible. There will be other places you can meet, rather than him just coming into London at your convenience. If he really is your partner, please support him and respect his choices!

This.
If his choice means you don't date much anymore, you can date other men, or no one, I really wouldn't give it much thought.