I was inspired by another thread - this one, https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amibeingunreasonable/5561297-aibu-to-resent-dhs-new-job-and-how-hes-changed
because incidentally, I joined a few days ago, and have struggled to post about my situation and what I want to even ask on this site. So this thread inspired me to just post. Clearly, lots of other people have this type of relationship issue.
I'm not accustomed to using forums, but my friends will inevitably be biased. So I wondered if I should put it to a hive mind instead.
I'm not happy with my partner's new choice of job and it has caused an enormous amount of friction between us, including a row that nearly split us up. I am of the view, it didn't have to come to this.
We don't live together. We don't have any plans to live together.Or have children. So please no comments on that we are comfortable with the relationship the way it is.
We works in a big city and he works from home most of the time.He comes into the office once or twice a week and those are our date nights.We also spend every weekend together. We've been met each other's friends and families.And are very much a part of each other's lives and have been together coming up 4 years.
I can work from home and do occasionally, but i'm more office based, but that's my choice.
The job he has taken is well outside of city and in his local town. He didn't tell me about it when he first found it because he thought I would have a problem with it. Not going to lie, I wasn't thrilled at prospect, but i'm of the view.It just warranted an open discussion about what that meant for us.
Our date nights are very much a large part of our relationship.And it might cause problems if he wanted to come to london after work.If he's going to be on site five days a week now, well out of london. There is a train link, but still, what if he's delayed.
Ultimately, though, it's his job and if that's what he wants to do with his career, then so be it.
I expected to have a discussion about the job and how it would impact our relationship but what happened is, he didn't tell me he was doing it, and I caught him doing it on his computer one weekend. It was so obviously a job application and he was doing it in the lounge.
We discussed it, he apologised for lying and said he would keep me informed. It then starts turned into the shouting match a few days later in public after one of our dates, when he'd been off with me and he said he's really excited about this job, and all I care about is how it would affect my life.
We met up and had a heart to heart about it.And we discussed if it was salvageable, given the way he spoke to me.But after that, i've never felt comfortable.Discussing the job because of the lying and the shouting, it's not something I want to get involved in.
We're at stalemate and at the beginning, he was reassuring me that he had always come into the city to spend time with me and now he's saying, we'll need to see, because his life is going to be centred around this job.
The other problem is with the job that in terms of deskilling, it's a fall off Mount Everest in terms of how beneath him this job is. I don't want to go into the details but believe me, i've looked it every which way and this job might not actually pass probation he's too over qualified for it and I don't think they need him long term. It's a new role, so it's not tried and tested.I can't tell you how I know without giving detailed.I'm not prepared to give it just doesn't look like it's long term, and it would work being given to it a short term contractor who then leaves the business to run the processes themselves.
I don't really want to have to deal with him.Unemployed and the fallout that would come with that because his mental health is quite fragile anyway
He's also absolutely furious with me for daring to have an opinion on where he works. He clearly just wants a cheerleader. Whereas i think a partner (and that is what he calls me- his partner) should be open and honest and discuss these things together.
If I told him I was leaving my job and going to a much lesser company and a much lesser role, I would fully expect him to say to me, do you really want to do this and talk it through with me.That's what a partner's for. My having an opinion on what might be like to him has been seen as intrusive and unwelcome.
He's massively offended by me having an opinion at all on matters related to him
I know people will probably say just to bring the relationship to an end, and you're probably right.But before I do that, any tips or suggestions for things to say or do.
Sorry for the inevitable typos that come with this, I am dyslexic and I use speech recognition so, I can't help how it's come out and I not notice the errors anyway. At work, I have much more sensitive speech recognition technology than this.
Sorry, not sure what my am I being unreasonable is the.M I i guess am I being unreasonable to be upset about how it was handled?And that is going to change our relationship or am I just a demon who should just blindly support what my partner wants to do.