Row over partner's new job

The extra context about the limitations he’s placed on your relationship totally
change the answers you would have received - mine included. I appreciate that you didn’t want to go into every detail. But that’s a significant issue in itself and paints a fuller picture of a man who wants it all on his terms. I think he’s either so self centred he doesn’t see or care how much you’re sacrificing, or he’s trying to sabotage the relationship rather than be the bad guy and end it. Call it a day, and leave him to his own devices, he’s not in the right place for a relationship.

I think he should bin you off.

I should have said nil about it and just blindly supported him in this.

for a boyfriend, perhaps, someone you don’t live with, aren’t planning to, no kids, ever (?), yeah, kinda not your place

the issue is this word partner, it’s conned you into thinking you are more integral to his life than you are. You assumed he felt the same as you did, but this issue has shown you clearly that he doesn’t see your place as important to his decisions etc.

I think you deserve better. Perhaps he’s kind of convinced you that you’re not worthy of a full on, potentially moving in/marriage etc scenario?

Hes not the right person for you. Get rid. He won't change

I saw your post about him asking you to call each other partner

so what’s happening here is he’s giving you a title that means more than he’s actually giving/allowing you.

i was with my now H for 10 years until we got married last month, he would call me his wife despite the fact we were not married, which kind of irked me at times, it’s like giving the relationship a higher level of commitment than he’s actually committed to. But we lived together already 8 years, we’re pretty much inseparable, and are older and retired. FWIW, girlfriend in her now late 50s is weird, partner - to me - is too cold and “right on”

i understand what you’re saying about the words partner vs girlfriend. I get it, but in your case, the description of a relationship isn’t matching the actual energy and commitment. He’s kind of future faking without promising anything for the future, to me it smacks of more like a place holder, keeping you around in his life for his own enjoyment and convenience. If you’re not planning a future together, then there’s a problem

is this really all YOU want? This hands off, see you a couple of times a week atrangement? This is the time to really take stock of where you are in your life and where you want to be in 10 years from now.

Forget the whole accepting a job without consulting you etc etc the biggest issue is the way he treats you and where you fit in his life. You are not a priority or worth any kind of consideration. Raise the bar and put yourself first. There's better men out there

That's why we meet during the week and then both go home.

But you said it’s on a train line and so you can still meet in the week?

Most people don’t WFH and still manage to meet during the week.

In the time it would take both of you to commute to the office, you can meet up still.

You’re making a big deal out of nothing.

You have no plans to live together and he’s not moving far away or anything, he has simply changed his job which he’s more than entitled to do without asking your permission or discussing it first.

Mumsnet is not a 'hive mind' and it astonishes me that so many posters think it is - and moreover that, thinking this, they ask a question!

Serious mental health issues are too much hassle. What are you getting out of this? He sounds hard work. You don’t need hard work in your life

He's massively offended by me having an opinion at all on matters related to him

this is your issue @MyPlumHelper

he doesn’t see you as life partners, he thinks this is some kind of situationship. He’s not committed to a future with you if he’s not including you in his present.

He's putting himself first.

I suggest you do the same.

It sounds like this relationship is one of you meeting his needs, one way, and he's also verbally abusive and has mental health issues from your drip feed.

I can understand that it has triggered a fear in you that he may be not putting you or the relationship first. And that can make you fear losing him. Try to reassure yourself that it’ll work out. He needs to do this for some reason only known to himself.
support him if you can and see how things work out.

You are being very controlling. You don’t share finances so why would he need to check with you?!

You sound a lot like my DP, but in our case it was a house move not a job move. I had some specific criteria in mind that wouldn’t have been the same criteria he had in mind when buying a house.

It was a hugely stressful time and his focus on how it would impact him rather than the upheaval for me just added pressure that didn’t need to be there. In the end I finished with him because his self centred approach at such an emotional time for me wasn’t what I needed from a partner.

After the move he realised he’d been catastrophising and that he should have waited until after the move to see how things went instead of expecting the worst and making the whole thing so difficult for me. It wasn’t about wanting a cheerleader, it was about him not trusting me to make such a decision for myself.

It has made me more determined that I keep some independence tbh as I don’t want to ever feel like massive life choices should be compromised to placate someone else. I was so invested in him last year but this showed me that his concerns were more important than mine in his mind. So while we’re back together now it has backfired on him massively.

If you love this guy and want a future with him, maybe do him the courtesy of believing that he’s made this move for his own good reasons. If it isn’t a long term role then he’ll look for something else but you putting the brakes on it before he’s even been offered the job is unnecessary and belittling to him.

OP, as you do not reside together, I don't think he does need to consult you about a new job as you don't share financial commitments. He might ask your opinion as someone who knows him well but he didn't.

If my DH with whom my finances are totally shared told me he was making a career leap I would be supportive, encouraging and would be assuring him he should take the risk if that's what makes him happy, even if it was a big pay cut. I would take on additional work to make up for it. I want him to be happy. He wouldn't accept a new job without telling me though as he'd be keen to chew it over with me and we're a team. He would reciprocate if the tables were turned.

You don't sound like you feel the same about your partner. You think he is making a big mistake and will end up out of work. You don't say anything positive about him at all. Your relationship shouldn't hinge on his work location. There is no mention of you making any changes to accommodate his dreams.

When I had previous boyfriends I did not intend to live with I had no vested interest at all in their job. It wasn't relevant. I certainly wouldn't have asked for their permission to get a new one. As we weren't financially joined it didn't seem to be their call.

It does change a bit when you become a household and have dependents, but you guys aren't in this position. I think he can work where he wants and you will have to decide if you still want to be in this relationship.

I hope the new job goes well for him but I'm not sure you share my sentiment and if he has come to that conclusion, things might come to an end anyway. You should be in your partner's corner, in my opinion, encouraging, supporting and wishing them every happiness's in life. If that is being a cheerleader, guilty as charged!

It doesn't sound like he is very commited to you and views your relationship perhaps as a convenience and something to plod along with unless someone better comes along. However this is also true of you.
You both seem to live independent lives and the fact you don't want to live together suggests you don't need to make joint decisions. Maybe he wasn't happy in the other job and needed out, regardless of whether the job he took was beneath him.

In some ways it sounds like you want more from him (to ensure your date nights go ahead) but then you also don't want the commitment (don't want to ever live together).

They're not having a discussion, that's the point. He's taken the job/changed their relationship without one.

I think you sound controlling.

Maybe he didn't like commuting. Maybe he wants less job stress for a while. Maybe he's pulling back because finances. Maybe he's got more changes in mind than just a job.

You have a long distance relationship where you see each other once or twice a week after his commutes to his job and spend some weekends together.

You may have been together 4 years but the fact that he's hiding job aps from you makes me think you're controlling and he knew your reaction would be extremely negative and he didn't want to deal with it. You're not married, you don't live together, his job doesn't affect how you live. Yet you've somehow centered yourself in his changing jobs. What's your real problem here?

I think you're getting a hard time op. It's totally valid to discuss your concerns about possible careers ramifications. I would hope my long term partner would also be forthcoming about the fact they are considering switching jobs.

Why would it need a discussion?

He’s taking a job that he wants and he told her about it.

There is still a train to get to each others places and he’s not moving away.

If OP is not happy about the arrangement then she can end the relationship but a discussion about his new job is needed.