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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get DS17 nothing for his birthday?

446 replies

NavySeal · 01/08/2026 10:30

It's DS17 birthday today.

We agreed beforehand that we'd pay for half of his driving lessons and he'd pay the other half himself.

AIBU for not getting him anything else or doing anything for his birthday?

OP posts:
Excited101 · 01/08/2026 11:04

Are you incredibly low on funds? I’d definitely get a few things to open, even if it’s not much/ some chocolates, nice shower gel, book, meal out and cake as well. But then I’d also be covering all lessons and tests as my parents did- if I could afford it.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 01/08/2026 11:04

Yes it’s meant to get him nothing, a few token gifts will be fine

TheSmallAssassin · 01/08/2026 11:04

I'd have wrapped some L plates and a copy of the Highway Code, and probably some chocolate or his favourite sweet treat. It's nice to have something to open on the day!

Moonnstarz · 01/08/2026 11:05

I think that's fine. Some people like to waste money on having something to unwrap, but forget that all those little bits add up. Driving lessons are expensive.
I would just put a reminder of this in his card so that he knows that his present is the lessons.

OneNewEagle · 01/08/2026 11:05

Card, cake, birthday tea is standard regardless of the size of any gifts.

TheJoyousHiker · 01/08/2026 11:05

Surely you’ve organised a cake and a card. I’d have given him a small gift as well. Maybe brunch or lunch out since it’s the weekend. Most people enjoy a little fuss on their birthday.

mamaduckbone · 01/08/2026 11:05

We did driving lessons for both of our ds’s 17th birthdays but made up a bag of goodies - fave foods, drinks - and L-plates as a present to open. And a card/cake/meal of choice.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 01/08/2026 11:05

GreenCaterpillarOnALeaf · 01/08/2026 11:04

Also don’t listen to the crack pots suggesting you don’t love your son because he has nothing to unwrap. That’s just insane. He probably wants to party with his mates and is happy he doesn’t have to pay for driving lessons - I highly doubt a 17 year old will cry over having nothing to unwrap, or jump to “mummy doesn’t love me”. He’s 17 not 7.

He does have to pay for driving lessons, so probably doesn’t have money to ‘party’

CousinBette · 01/08/2026 11:06

Does the 17 year old get you anything for your birthday, OP?

AndTheSnakesStartToSing · 01/08/2026 11:07

If it were me I’d still probably get one or two smaller gifts, something I know they want but isn’t too expensive, I don’t think it’s completely unreasonable not to though, it’s just what I’d do.

PartoftheBand · 01/08/2026 11:07

I literally could not give DD absolutely nothing to open on a birthday. I'd feel absolutely rotten. I actually think it's a bit tight to make him pay for half his driving lessons unless he has a very well paying job or a lot of savings from somewhere.

BettyJoanPerske · 01/08/2026 11:11

YABVU. Why are you making him pay for half the cost of lessons? Mean. And not even a cake, a special meal, or anything? Don't you like him?

PartoftheBand · 01/08/2026 11:11

GreenCaterpillarOnALeaf · 01/08/2026 11:04

Also don’t listen to the crack pots suggesting you don’t love your son because he has nothing to unwrap. That’s just insane. He probably wants to party with his mates and is happy he doesn’t have to pay for driving lessons - I highly doubt a 17 year old will cry over having nothing to unwrap, or jump to “mummy doesn’t love me”. He’s 17 not 7.

God, what a miserable attitude. Your child is still your child at any age. Partying with mates is a completely separate thing to getting a small present from your parents.

risingup · 01/08/2026 11:12

YABU get the lad a card, a cake and a small present to open.

Tryagain26 · 01/08/2026 11:13

I would have to give him something else on the day even if it's just a small token gift. And of course a card, cake, nice meal etc

Lomonald · 01/08/2026 11:15

NorthDowns · 01/08/2026 11:01

Honestly this is bizarre behaviour.
Celebrate his birthday, buy him a proper gift.
Driving lessons are separate.
Unless you are skint this is mean.

Driving lessons costs hundreds of £s of course it can be a gift, not everyone has extra money to throw around but that doesn't make a family "skint"

Original poster
NavySeal · 01/08/2026 11:16

Excited101 · 01/08/2026 11:04

Are you incredibly low on funds? I’d definitely get a few things to open, even if it’s not much/ some chocolates, nice shower gel, book, meal out and cake as well. But then I’d also be covering all lessons and tests as my parents did- if I could afford it.

We're not struggling but we agreed on paying for his driving lessons and see that as his birthday gift. Would taking him for dinner be ok rather than buying him a gift?

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 01/08/2026 11:17

Lomonald · 01/08/2026 11:15

Driving lessons costs hundreds of £s of course it can be a gift, not everyone has extra money to throw around but that doesn't make a family "skint"

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No reason she can’t celebrate his birthday though. And to be fair, paying for half his lessons and then not getting him anything else or celebrating his birthday does indeed imply they are skint, or just mean.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 01/08/2026 11:17

NavySeal · 01/08/2026 11:16

We're not struggling but we agreed on paying for his driving lessons and see that as his birthday gift. Would taking him for dinner be ok rather than buying him a gift?

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Why not ask him? How did he seem this morning when he realised you’ve done nothing?

Tryagain26 · 01/08/2026 11:17

GreenCaterpillarOnALeaf · 01/08/2026 11:04

Also don’t listen to the crack pots suggesting you don’t love your son because he has nothing to unwrap. That’s just insane. He probably wants to party with his mates and is happy he doesn’t have to pay for driving lessons - I highly doubt a 17 year old will cry over having nothing to unwrap, or jump to “mummy doesn’t love me”. He’s 17 not 7.

He does still have to pay though because OP is only paying for half of the lessons

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 01/08/2026 11:18

I’d have to give something, if only a jumper or T shirt - as long as I knew what he liked.

Original poster
NavySeal · 01/08/2026 11:19

ToKittyornottoKitty · 01/08/2026 11:17

Why not ask him? How did he seem this morning when he realised you’ve done nothing?

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He hasnt said anything so I think it should be ok but he does seem quite annoyed today. We said happy birthday to him a few times

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 01/08/2026 11:20

NavySeal · 01/08/2026 11:19

He hasnt said anything so I think it should be ok but he does seem quite annoyed today. We said happy birthday to him a few times

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So you know he’s upset then. Are you punishing him for something?

PartoftheBand · 01/08/2026 11:20

NavySeal · 01/08/2026 11:19

He hasnt said anything so I think it should be ok but he does seem quite annoyed today. We said happy birthday to him a few times

Show quote history

No wonder he's annoyed. Did you even get him a card or cake?

BigWig78 · 01/08/2026 11:21

It’s a bit late to ask isn’t it? Damage done.

yes it’s mean. He’s 17, not 27. The very least wound have been some token gifts like smellies, sweets, undies. But honestly just paying for half his lessons is tight.