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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to add man I met at a conference?

115 replies

LoisLaneKent · 30/07/2026 20:26

I've been co-hosting a conference where I study as a mature student but somehow I've never met this guy despite the fact he works in the department. We first met on the coffee break and I felt an immediate feeling of warmth and a spark.

When I saw him again later, I realised I really fancied the look of him (I never fancy anyone). Then he seemed to be hanging around next to me so I struck up conversation. We were then told to get into small teams for this game thing so we stuck together.

We spent over an hour walking about the grounds in sunshine being good teammates (although we didn't win but oh well!). We laughed so much and had a great time. It made me think of the early days where you're first enjoying someones company and I felt strong chemistry. Then he had to go back to work. And today was actually my last day working in that building!

I found him easily on social media because we both follow the uni department account. We have several friends in common. I'm wondering whether to add him to see what happens.

I'm in my 30s and my serious long term break up happened 14 months ago and I have been so heartbroken. It was bloody lovely to meet someone I felt that 'glimmer' for again today. The other part of thinks, maybe I shouldn't chase him and let it go/hope I'll meet someone another time?

OP posts:
SunnyRedSnail · 02/08/2026 19:04

OMG stop over-thinking everything and just message him!!!

"No ask no get"

"You've got to be in it to win it"

LoisLaneKent · 02/08/2026 19:09

What the hell do I say! Bearing in mind that I did have to go looking for him as he never gave his surname. I'm drawing a blank here. do I literally say it was good to meet him and I had fun etc?! 😂

OP posts:
LoisLaneKent · 02/08/2026 19:26

Please help me out here guys - I'm on the cusp of sending a stupid message that maybe I shouldn't send at all. I have a serious crush oh dear.

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 02/08/2026 19:44

LoisLaneKent · 02/08/2026 19:26

Please help me out here guys - I'm on the cusp of sending a stupid message that maybe I shouldn't send at all. I have a serious crush oh dear.

When all else fails, be honest and direct. Message him to say you had a lovely time with him at the meeting and that you would like to see him again. Suggest a specific activity (a movie you want to see, a new restaurant you want to try, etc.) and ask when he might be free to join you.

With this type of message, you will have removed most of the uncertainty for him and clearly shown an interest, which will calm his fear of rejection. Those are the two barriers to progress you have the power to remove. The rest will be up to him.

Have courage, OP. You can do this.

Edited to add that the mutual following with the other woman who was at the meeting is neither here nor there. She might have had access to an attendees list and connected with lots of people just to build up her LinkedIn network. And she's just out of uni at 23, not in the same place in life as he is in his early 30s.

PinkJ · 02/08/2026 19:46

He's just not into you.

Frumpitydoo · 02/08/2026 19:47

Fortune favours the brave. Do it!

LoisLaneKent · 02/08/2026 19:47

I've decided I'm going to message him but I'm not 100% on asking him out yet.

One of my stories was sharing about a fundraiser happening soon through an organisation we're both involved in that I'm going to help with and then I saw he liked the event post after. I have a feeling he may end up helping out with it too. In which case, I do NOT want to make things awkward if I ask him out and he rejects me only to find myself working with on this next month.

OP posts:
LoisLaneKent · 02/08/2026 19:48

@MissConductUS I'm trying to be brave...but then PinkJ comes along and says things that like that! It's offputting.

OP posts:
BettyJoanPerske · 02/08/2026 19:48

PinkJ · 02/08/2026 19:46

He's just not into you.

How do you know?!

LoisLaneKent · 02/08/2026 19:50

@MissConductUS I suppose his reply will give me some information at least. And at least I will have done it and don't have to think what if. He was lovely but a bit shy (not saying that's an excuse, but still - maybe he's waiting to see what I have to say given I followed him first)

OP posts:
Twinkylightsg · 02/08/2026 19:51

Jesus honestly you sound 12.

Just message and ser if he wants to meet up for a coffee. If he says no you know. No harm no foul. You move on. You only spent a few hours with the guy. You aren't even dating yet.

This he saw my posts but didn't like it but added someone else is really emotionally immature child games.

Just reach out if you want to meet him again or move on it really isn't that serious.

MissConductUS · 02/08/2026 19:53

LoisLaneKent · 02/08/2026 19:48

@MissConductUS I'm trying to be brave...but then PinkJ comes along and says things that like that! It's offputting.

She's probably just bitter and jealous that you've found such a lovely bloke.

I know, it's hard; I get it. As women, we are conditioned to be passive in the courtship process, which robs us of our agency.

I wouldn't wait, despite some possible future awkwardness at a possible future event. When I served in the military, one thing they constantly drilled into us was the importance of taking the initiative. If you don't, you are simply reacting to what life throws at you, rather than making progress.

LoisLaneKent · 02/08/2026 19:56

to be fair @Twinkylightsg I'm not usually giddy like this and do feel about 16. Give me a break 😂

OP posts:
OrangeSlices998 · 02/08/2026 19:56

MissConductUS · 02/08/2026 19:53

She's probably just bitter and jealous that you've found such a lovely bloke.

I know, it's hard; I get it. As women, we are conditioned to be passive in the courtship process, which robs us of our agency.

I wouldn't wait, despite some possible future awkwardness at a possible future event. When I served in the military, one thing they constantly drilled into us was the importance of taking the initiative. If you don't, you are simply reacting to what life throws at you, rather than making progress.

I completely agree! I asked my now husband out, if I hadn’t we wouldn’t have the life we do now. Just ask the fella for a coffee OP!

MissConductUS · 02/08/2026 19:57

LoisLaneKent · 02/08/2026 19:50

@MissConductUS I suppose his reply will give me some information at least. And at least I will have done it and don't have to think what if. He was lovely but a bit shy (not saying that's an excuse, but still - maybe he's waiting to see what I have to say given I followed him first)

Good. It's not an easy game for men either. If they come at us too strongly, they may be harassing someone who isn't interested in them. This has gotten even worse in the workplace since the "me too" movement. And rejection hurts for them too, but they have to risk it if we don't. That's why the best thing you can do is to send very clear, direct signals that his advances would not be unwelcome.

Notaboutthebass · 02/08/2026 20:03

In my experience men don't usually make the first move, even when they like you. Go for it!

LoisLaneKent · 02/08/2026 20:03

@MissConductUS I really appreciate this pep talk!

I actually used to make the first move a lot more. I've lost confidence over the years plus the whole 'he's just not into you' thing while often true, can also make you do nothing before anything begins.

I know we had a great time - he said he'd had so much fun - so on that basis I'm going to message regardless of the outcome.Thanks.

OP posts:
LoisLaneKent · 02/08/2026 20:04

OrangeSlices998 · 02/08/2026 19:56

I completely agree! I asked my now husband out, if I hadn’t we wouldn’t have the life we do now. Just ask the fella for a coffee OP!

Ok, ok, I'm doing it...😀

OP posts:
Downthedrainwithme · 02/08/2026 20:08

I agree with the idea of taking your chances but given this was a conference in a professional setting I can't help feeling if I was this person and it was a man contacting me I wouldn't be too pleased tbh.

I'm not saying you're wrong OP my opinion is just that an opinion but it's how I feel.

MissConductUS · 02/08/2026 20:08

LoisLaneKent · 02/08/2026 20:03

@MissConductUS I really appreciate this pep talk!

I actually used to make the first move a lot more. I've lost confidence over the years plus the whole 'he's just not into you' thing while often true, can also make you do nothing before anything begins.

I know we had a great time - he said he'd had so much fun - so on that basis I'm going to message regardless of the outcome.Thanks.

Good, go with your gut. There's no way he faked enjoying your company for several hours. If he didn't fancy you at all, there were a hundred ways he could have put you off, but he didn't.

And if you've made the first move in the past, you just need to reactivate that muscle memory and do it again.

I'm glad I could be helpful. Feel free to PM me if you want to.

Pistachiocake · 02/08/2026 20:08

Sounds fine to me! But then I'm old enough to think it's ok to talk to strangers you like IRL, as long as you think you're both single and are respectful and back off if the other person seems uncomfortable.

LoisLaneKent · 02/08/2026 20:09

Downthedrainwithme · 02/08/2026 20:08

I agree with the idea of taking your chances but given this was a conference in a professional setting I can't help feeling if I was this person and it was a man contacting me I wouldn't be too pleased tbh.

I'm not saying you're wrong OP my opinion is just that an opinion but it's how I feel.

he requested to follow me back quickly though? he didn't have to do that and/or could have blocked me.

OP posts:
Downthedrainwithme · 02/08/2026 20:11

LoisLaneKent · 02/08/2026 20:09

he requested to follow me back quickly though? he didn't have to do that and/or could have blocked me.

Like I said OP it's only my opinion and personal feelings not a judgement on you and if it's worked out for you that great. Good luck OP.

HollyhocksandPeons · 02/08/2026 20:12

Go for it! Reminds me of a story - we were in our 20s, MAs, and there was much older woman, a mature student who used to hang out with us. She really fancied a boy in our group, and I think we all fancied him. She was probably a good 10 years older than him and we used to be confused as to why she thought she had any chances at all. So we were all waiting for him to make a move - we all liked him. Whilst we were all waiting and frankly, sniggering at her and her elderly delusions, she went for it and asked him out (not in front of us) but next time we decided to 'hang out', they were firmly an item and then they decided to rent together. I don't know if it lasted, but what a learning experience it was! P.S. How we hated her after that!

MissConductUS · 02/08/2026 20:12

LoisLaneKent · 02/08/2026 20:09

he requested to follow me back quickly though? he didn't have to do that and/or could have blocked me.

Loads of romantic relationships start in work related settings. It's only fraught when you work for the same part of the same organization.

And he'll be flattered that you reached out to him.