AIBU to think my ex DH is being reasonably generous, or am I being taken for a ride, as a friend is telling me

But the quality of life stuff doesn't all come from your side?

He's paying for overpriced mountain bikes and concert tickets and expensive school trips - which are all demonstrations of a good quality of life for kids that age. It's not all about holidays (which one a year, is more than a lot of people manage!)

I've read a lot worse on MN so I think I would probably more or less try to make my peace with it. But pragmatically speaking it sounds like he might be open to reasonable requests e.g. buying shoes, maybe paying towards other school trips and later on supporting them through university of they want to go. If you're stressed about the cost of food then I don't think it would hurt to ask.

You listed a good £6/7k of stuff he’s paid for outside of his holiday a year, along with tutoring and physio costs which contribute to quality of life. I know it’s hard when you’re working very hard for what feels like much less, but don’t fall into the trap of minimising what he does when he’s more than meeting your kids needs. They sound very privileged kids which is a credit to you both.

I think you have to completely set aside his current income or net wealth and think about the actual real costs that your children have. He has them 50 percent of the time too. Therefore if you add up all the costs of the children and divide by 2, it will probably come out that he is paying over 50 percent towards everything they need.
i imagine things like driving lessons, first car, help with housing deposits will also come from him in the future based on how he is doing things now.
it sounds like he is paying way over 50 percent of all their costs right now, so really it is not fair for him at this point.
housing is split 50 50 already so there is no additional concerns there.
its about what it costs in stuff, trips, hobbies etc for the children and he is actually paying more than 50 50 from what you said.
his current income and his lifestyle so don’t think are anything to do with this.
if everything is covered already, what would the extra money be for ???

The legendary poster who I mentioned upthread went down that route - she maintained she did more child-related admin tasks. It spectacularly backfired on her, as practically every poster advised her it would.

He's your ex. You're not entitled to more of his money because you used to be in a relationship and you have kids. He has the kids half the time AND gives you money and covers the big expenses. I bet any other big expenses that come up he would too. If you're on a much lower income, instead of asking for more money in general which might get his back up, just say 'school uniforms need buying and they are so expensive. Could you cover them'? etc and stuff like that.

It’s also tax-free, so the equivalent of earning an extra £1,000 a month or £12K a year.

You do know what to think. Ignore your pot-stirring friend.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5340011-child-benefit-rival-claim-ex-partner-earning-loads-part-2?page=1

@Writer034 , these are the threads being referred to.

I think the only way to approach this is to suggest some kind of annual co-parenting review meeting - how is it all going, what can be improved, review kids needs including costs (what’s going to change with school this year? what else is coming up that’s new? savings for uni? what’s a fair way for you both to cover those?)

That way you’re making decisions together based on the needs of your kids. It shouldn’t be about getting more contributions, it should be about maintaining an effective co-parenting relationship for the benefit of your kids.

Unfortunately what he spends on romance is irrelevant.

I think the answer to your question is a fairly unanimous no. At the moment, you have an amicable set up that doesn’t involve counting every bean. There’s a generosity of spirit that will likely grow with time. He’ll probably buy them their first cars, pay their university rent etc. If you ever find yourself struggling, he’d probably help you out. I’d be inclined to keep things as they are, as you don’t appear to be struggling and your kids have a good life.

Honestly, you need to find a way to stop thinking about it and move on. I say that gently as someone who has been divorced and now has adult kids - so I've been through all of this. And yes, at times it can feel unjust or unfair but you need to stop raking over it and move on. It's just a path to bitterness.

Your kids have a good standard of living. £600 a month (aside from all the extras), when you yourself only have them 50% of the time should be plenty.

You don't earn a bad salary. It's not your ex's job now to fund lifestyle/trips and meals out on your time - he does that on his own time when he has them half the month.

OP, you say he earns £30k per month? Is this post tax?

If he does earn that, he won't just have it transferred into a current account for disposable income. He will have most of it invested. Maybe it's all invested into another company and he lives off dividends?

I think his financial affairs are not going to be as straightforward as they sound. He might have set up trust funds for the kids, but not told you?

How would you know his exact post tax earnings? Has he told you?

Op in the nicest possible way (honestly), everyone has to go to savings for anything like eating out or theatre tickets, they’re special occasions. And actually there’s a thread now about the cost of tickets everywhere which I said is now equivalent to what going on holiday used to be! Unfortunately it’s just life now

I think you need to consider his total contribution. Those costs and expenses would either need to be paid or gone without if he didn’t cover them, most kids aren’t getting private physio, or expensive bikes and trips - if he didn’t pay would you be able to afford them? You’re invested in your kids having a good quality of life, and by all accounts they do, because he funds a lot of the extra costs and expenses so yes, they could as child support.

I think completely reasonable and its good you work, cms doesnt last forever. Who increased it from 500 to 600? Did you ask or he volunteer?

Honestly, you need to make peace with what you’re getting now. Don’t rock the boat, let him continue to pay and contribute as he’s doing and stop comparing. the ‘friends’ telling you this won’t pick up the pieces if you pursue this further and lose out. Thread carefully.
This post is what comes to mind when I read yours, I can’t find her update post but it didn’t go well for her in the end.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5506932-ex-disputing-cms-and-making-rival-child-benefit-claim-in-5050-care?page=1

His wealth has been since you separated. He pays a set amount, plus extra for the kids to ensure they have what they need. It is the responsibility of both parents to provide for their children and not his responsibility to compensate you for the 50% of parenting that you do.

Of course it will feel unfair that you are doing everything you can and still aren’t as comfortable as you’d like to be, but he is not responsible for that.

Please don’t let your “friend” create problems and ill feeling between you and your ex, it will only ruin your ability to co-parent and your kids will suffer. As another poster said, there was a thread not long ago and the woman lost not only the voluntary maintenance, but her child benefit too, and ended up paying him maintenance because both kids left and went to live with their dad over it.

The rest is costs and expenses and voluntary one off things

Costs and expenses, and one offs, would generally be considered covered by the child maintenance though. I mean that if someone went through CMS, got a monthly maintenance amount, their ex wouldn’t be expected to also cover additional costs.

(That’s leaving aside the morals of only paying the CMS minimum)

I totally agree with this. I think you should quit while you’re ahead!

I would see this as money for the kids benefit and leave it at that. He's income could change at anytime and then you could be in a real situation.
So what if he spends more on his p that's his business, this comes over as grabby on your part. Your kids are covered financially so what are you worrying about? He has then 50/50, it sounds like a good set up for all of you.