AIBU to think my ex DH is being reasonably generous, or am I being taken for a ride, as a friend is telling me

If you have a good amicable co parenting relationship I would say the only way forward would be to have a honest conversation with him. You have mentioned you worry about money, and that you are struggling a little by the end of the month. Say you appreciate all that he provides for the children but if there was any possibility he could increase what he provides. You may be surprised.

Agree with this!

Of course they need to be factored in, because they are child related expenses that would need to be covered if he wasn't paying for them. If he increased the amount you're labelling as 'pure child support' by £180 but said that you now needed to cover the cost of the coach from the maintenance you'd have 'more' child support but be no better off.

Given it's 50:50 and he's happy to cover all these extra expenses fully rather than expect 50% from you (or even any sort of contribution) is good going op.

Your extra expenses (presents for friends/hair/dentist/clothes (why are they not spending pocket money on clothes/shoes if there is something particularly phenomenally expensive they want?)) are surely not costing you on a monthly basis anywhere near the £180 a month he's paying for the coach, plus the physio/tutor/hobbies. You're paying a few hundred pounds per year for smaller trips while he's covering the ones in the thousands.

Do they take all their clothes back and forth, does he not have any that he's bought that stay at his? Do they have phones? If so who pays for those?

Given he also has food/bills to pay for for the 50% time he has them, I'm really struggling to see what the £600 is covering other than a very generous contribution to making your life a bit easier/enjoyable. He is covering way more than 50% of what the kids 'cost'. The fact he has residual disposable income is not your concern, it's not his responsibility to find your lifestyle just because he's earning more now. You're able to take the kids out for days in London, I'm assuming if they're costing £500 for tickets etc then you could choose a less premium seat?

It does feel like you want him to cover more of the kids costs so that you can have more money leftover to spend on you/your lifestyle but that's not his responsibility.

Frame it this way - if he doubled the amount he pays you to £1200 tomorrow, what choices would you be making differently? Would the kids benefit from those, and are they benefits that they would like/need (such as a hobby/club that they are keen to do, able to say yes to reasonable childhood things that you're currently saying no to) or luxury /upgrades (such as ditching wagamamas for the Ivy)

The thing a lot of people forget, or simply don’t realise, about going to court for maintenance is that one year and a day after the order is issued, the paying party can go back to CMS, they order based on what they can do, and then you have to go back to court again to have it increased.

When I worked for CMS there were people who had to bounce back to court every single year.

Your friend is massively underestimating the value of the good Co-parenting relationship you have and the value of that going forward as the children get older.

I do t think that’s the question.
Its more around - if they were still together or he was the RP, what lifestyle would they have?

I think it is “Not quite”.

I think it unfortunate you did not see a good solicitor when you split up, especially because of the business you started together. Could you speak to one now just to get a better perspective?

Of course he could give more, but if you push it he might give less, so there's nothing you can do about it really. It sounds like the kids have a nice life and have everything they need, and a lot they want besides.

I think as a pp mentioned you do need to be discussing University contingency plans with him. Your eldest is 13, so five years is not too long to put aside a decent sum to cover university fees, accommodation, living expenses etc. Plus driving lessons and first cars/ insurances which are also looming issues.

He sounds as though the extras that your children enjoy are as important to him as well as to them, so I imagine he has started to think about expenses going forward, but no harm in raising the issue.

You are earning enough to support yourself, and the children comfortably especially with the extra support he gives. To be honest you are sounding very jealous of the spa days and fancy lifestyle the second wife is enjoying. There were probably very good reasons why you split up in the first place, maybe you ought to be thankful that whatever the reasons were they are no longer your problem but hers.

Leopards and spots remember.

I think it's tempting her to conflate the 'fairness' of your disparity in income with the 'fairness' of his contribution to your shared kids. I can understand when you have been a unit and you have joint children that it might very well feel very unfair that you are struggling to make ends meet when he could contribute more and it would make no difference to him. However, you are not a unit anymore and whilst he has an obligation to support his kids, he doesn't have an obligation to lighten your load IYSWIM.

If you have a good relationship could you have am open conversation with him? Not starting from the premise that he is not doing enough, but rather from the premise that he probably is doing enough but given you are struggling could he take on a bit more of the costs associated with raising them.

Have you done a detailed cashflow so you can see how much you spend on them? You gave a long list of things you pay for - knowing what this adds up to might help the conversation. He will probably react better to specifics rather than 'I'd like a bit more money please'.

OP, outside of the fact that it sounds like your ex is paying a good voluntary amount, plus has them 50% of the time, plus pays for some expensive one offs- I think you need to be careful what you hope to achieve here given the ages of your children.

Your ex sound like he's genuinely trying to do the right thing by his children, but he won't be legally required to contribute anything in a relatively short time given their ages.

Considering his current contributions I'd definitely encourage you to not rock the boat and just keep your fingers crossed he continues to be as forthcoming with funds after the kids reach the cut off- otherwise you'll find yourself with more of a gap in your family budget.

I would make peace with it, OP.

I earn a bit less than you (after a fairly recent pay rise), live in London, have 50/50 and two teen DC.

It sounds like you have a much nicer lifestyle than we do. It's my birthday coming up and I've decided not to take DC out to dinner because I just can't justify the cost. We only eat out very rarely and we don't do as many trips and nice things.

Due to 50/50 there's nothing extra from XH and we have kept our joint account. We pay equally into it each month and use it to cover clubs, school trips (day trips; we can't afford any of the big abroad trips), essential clothing etc.

We had a clean break. So, if either one of us won the lottery then the other would have no claim on it. I think you could apply that a bit here. Although you contributed to the business initially, it's only several years after your separation that he's 'hit the jackpot ' with it.

Your XH seems to be quite generous in terms of school trips and one-off costs.

A PP mentioned university and they had a really good point.

My DC are a bit older than yours and my oldest is looking at universities. XH says he won't be able to contribute to supporting DC1 at uni. I find this hard to believe, as he was earning more when we split than I am now seven years later, but that's what he says. I'm currently living as if I hadn't had my full pay rise and trying to put aside as much as possible to help DC1, but I am quite worried about the costs involved in uni. If your XH is likely to be able to fund accommodation (for example) then that will be a huge help to your DC.

It sounds to me as though your XH does contribute to your DC's individual needs/wants in that respect. So, given your fairly comfortable lifestyle, I would leave things be and, if anything, have a conversation with your XH about saving towards university. Ask him if he's thought about it yet and suggest planning for it if not. That would be a useful financial conversation to have about your DC's future needs.

Credit to you OP @Writer034 because you are actually listening and taking things on board (not like the poster on that other thread...things might have gone differently for her if she had tried to be more balanced).

On a side note:
You said you set up the business together, can I ask if it's a Limited company and if you are both shareholders?

I ask because of your comment about he minimises his tax situation. If he is taking some of the money as dividends, all shareholders must receive equal dividends dependant on share holding. eg if you are both equal shareholders you would need to take the same amount as dividends.

The reason I am asking is if it is a limited company, you are a shareholder and he is the only one receiving dividends, then it is a form of tax evasion and it will be clamped down on. I'm not sure if you would be culpable as well but there could be hefty repayments to be made and, at the very least, you will lose what he is giving you. As a shareholder though, you might be held accountable on a joint and separable basis

Sounds like it’s not the amount of maintenance that’s the problem but that fact you signed away half the business without checking with a solicitor… surprised the judge allowed that to happen.

I get where you are coming from OP, it is hard to watch an ex become suddenly rich and successful and not be benefiting from that. But your kids have everything they need and more, he is paying you £600 a month for you having them 50% of the time. He still has to pay for their food, housing costs, outings in his time. Plus all the expensive extras. Your children are very privileged, just because their father has more money doesn’t mean he should spend more on them, nor increase his contribution to you. His finances and how he spends his money on his partner are not your concern as galling as it may be.

Likely when your children grow up he will fund uni, first car and maybe offer them some financial support while they are students. He sounds like a supportive Dad, and you seem to have a healthy coparenting relationship, don’t ruin it, your kids won’t thank you for it trust me.

The amount relative to his income is irrelevant. You’re not married any more so the concept of you having a right to any of his income is just daft.

Also if his business brought in 350k his income isn’t 30k per month. There are business taxes and costs and income tax etc. his net income will be closer to 15 then there’s his own mortgage etc. hardly poverty but not the levels of cash you are talking about

You are fortunate.
You don't want your kids to be spoilt brats. They have their needs met and the two of you are respectful.
That is gold.

You ex will always watch out for the kids.
When adults they will have support. Ex voluntarily is generous.