DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

B was absolutely rebelling in schadenfreude. He was expressing malicious glee and indicating that the subject turned him on. No normal person would have had that conversation… ever.

I feel livid for you.
What a freak B is, but also I detect intense malice in what he did to you that evening. Could he be expressing hatred/jealousy of your DH by proxy.
Your DH needs to seriously bin the lot of them.
Oh, and you DH has really let you down discussing your private stuff with mates...what a fool 😳 Does he have not judgement? 😳

I'm so so sorry this happened to you and the DH betrayed you like this.

With so many men in disgusting group chats and on vile websites I wouldn't trust a single one of them.

Can you get some therapy to process this ? Xxx

I have seen that you have started a new thread and I will go and read that later. I am so sorry for you - you must feel multiply betrayed. You are an incredibly brave woman - you have taken so many steps to ensure that what happened to you at such a young age doesn't define your life. You are amazing. And yet your supporter, the one who has shared your life, just seems to have betrayed you. I do agree with other posters above - this feels like he is inserting himself to become the centre of the "drama". How dare he? And all of that discussion without ever a word to you. Wow. Personally I would totally struggle to get past that, that he so casually shared such personal and intimate information. Is he normally so loose-lipped about confidential work matters, family history, friends marriage issues? Only you will know.

You are actually wonderful - you’ve dealt with so much in your life so far.
Your husband has let you down badly - I wonder if men really have a clue about rape and how devastating and life changing it must be.
You’re right B sounds weird and definitely was asking you very intimate questions - which sounds like he was finding your answers a turn on.
Please don’t let all this affect your life going forward, although it must feel impossible at the moment, it will get better. You will get through this because you’ve got through worse before this happened.
I hope you get the help and advice you need.
Sending best wishes to you.

Sorry I haven't read all replies but just wanted to jump on and say he's been using your trauma to seek attention. Look at "Husband", isn't he a hero for looking after his wife, poor Husband and all he must be going through etc. He enjoys the shock factor and their reactions. That's not to say he's deliberately trying to hurt you....he hasn't told you because he knows he's doing it for selfish reasons, it's for his gratification but he's separated it from your actual trauma by not telling you.

Unfortunately, I discovered DH has told his boss about the assault and chronic pain conditions so he could get off early should I 'need' him. It was 'for my benefit'. I've no idea what else he's been saying.

Sorry OP but I think your 'D'H is shit. And what he's got is a bad case of main character syndrome. Even though it's not his trauma, when he tells people he's still going to get a lot of 'gosh', 'wow', 'how awful'. And then he'll get the questions (because a lot of people are like that) 'Did she know the person?', 'how old was she?', 'did she report it to the police?' etc. And all the time their eyes, ears and attention are on him.

He doesn't have your back, however much he tries to spin it that way. He's only looking out for himself and how your trauma can benefit him.

I'd be seriously thinking about whether you want to continue in a relationship where your husband sees your history as a way to gain cultural capital.

I'm very sorry for what you're going through op. I don't like his logic for telling his boss, mil, etc. emergencies don't have advanced warning. His boss doesn't need years of notice that he might have to leave one day. He could also communicate this without going into specifics, ie, saying that you've had a traumatic event for example.

Thanks.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5554771-dh-told-a-lot-of-people-i-was-sa-and-i-had-no-idea-tw?page=4&reply=153557714

Can you link please @godmum ?

Absolutely this.

Sorry. It’s a very low bar. On the floor in fact. The right response to the comments would have been to ask his friends to leave. Instead he chose to share OP’s trauma without her consent. His motives for that are clear. Throwing his ’friends’ out would have affected and possibly ended those friendships. Exposing his wife’s trauma to all and sundry was a way around that. If that wasn’t uppermost in his mind, I’d like to know what was, given that this trauma wasn’t his to share. At all.

The OP has made a new thread

If he'd told one person then I might agree with you but he's telling anyone who'll listen, that's really not a mistake made in good faith its a recurrent choice and that makes him an arsehole.

OP. The correct response to the jokes in poor taste would have been to ask them to leave, not to disclose your trauma. He’s totally out of order and he’s compounded that by not even telling you they know.

B had absolutely no right to start this conversation - even if he was a trained therapist. And no trained therapist would ask if your DH satisfies you in bed - that’s abusive. And the idea of them all getting together to discuss whether the friendship is salvageable after what he did is unconscionable. This is your trauma. It wasn’t your DH’s to share, no matter what the intention was behind it, and it’s certainly not acceptable for them to get together to discuss you as though you’re some abstract concept.

I’m sorry but this would be marriage ending for me. At best it’s stupidity, and at worst it’s complete disregard for your feeling so that his friendships aren’t affected.

Not RTFT but wtf, B is a creep and I’d wonder what sort of porn he watches because I’d worry he’s questioning in that much detail for his wank bank.

They should all feel uncomfortable

This man B is not a friend. He is an abuser himself and a particularly nasty and disgusting one, he is clearly getting off on the details of your trauma.
Utterly abhorrent. I could not have anything to do with him again, ever.
And I would think far less of any partner who kept being friends with him unless there was a full and sincere apology to you.

That he’s not willing to go to marriage counselling tells you all you need to know. He’s not bothered about helping you and your trauma. Moving together as a team. He’s not sorry for blabbing about it and making your trauma all about him. He likes the idea of you being dependent on him, of him being a hero for “taking you on”/“saving you”. I’m so sorry.

OP there's not much I can add to what's already been said on here, but just wanted to say you actually sound really brave dealing so far with all these horrible events.
You must be in a complete whirl, and probably need time to think and to assess as its all happened so quickly. I hope you can access some RL counsellin or support. Wishing you all the very best to get through this x

I’m happy you’re happy.

I was just coming here to disagree with you - but then I saw your comment about him telling others because he needed support.

I did read all of OP’s comments but I missed the paragraph where he said he told his friends for support.

And you’re completely right, that does change everything. Apologies, I missed that on the first read through.

You don’t tell a wide circle of friends to get support.

I still maintain that we shouldn’t be telling other women where they should draw their line, but for me, those two sentences would change everything as his intent was to make it all about him.

"We don’t have to agree on this."

oh that's a relief