Why is life so unfair

Life is unfair and cruelly random. Some ppl have many chances and others don’t. Some will get lucky breaks, others accidents. Some may be in a good phase now, but some years later, the winds may have turned.

Don’t compare yourself to other people, compare yourself to you. Are you better, happier, stronger, fulfilled today than you were yesterday? That’s all that matters.

Snap Op. Narcisstic mother. Selfish father. I lost who I was but I am finding myself.

I also turned to spirituality in my 20s. Its a blessing to tune into your spirit when everyone else fails.

Ah ok so ignore the latter part of my post. Bully's have a knack for picking up on vulnerability in the same way narcissists do. I think, and its just my opinion, that because you carry so much sorrow on what could have been, havent found you, that your vulnerability is very clear to be seen.

Like I said, look at emdr, nothing was your fault, you were a child, a victim but you are still here, living.....you need to take back control and not let your past dictate your future.

It is unfair, you didn't deserve to have these things happen to you.

I had a shit and unhappy childhood (though not to the extent of the op) and what works for me is trying to find meaning in the part of my life I'm living and trying not to dwell on the things I missed out on. For me, that's small things like my animals, my garden and my family. I get a degree of pleasure and pride from not having passed the shit of my own upbringing on to the next generation.

I hope you can find some small joys to make your life meaningful op.

A friend with an extremely abuse childhood tried EMDR as a last resort recently and had great results with it @MyFastZebra. He was referred via a sexual abuse charity I think.

Has anyone pointed you towards this long running thread yet?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5508136-march-2026-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

It seems to hit in age 40s, I don’t know why, and you have some serious past. Good luck.

You need to stop now. I find your lack of empathy abhorrent.

You want to change
you have tried 5 therapists - I wonder if you place too much faith in them
can you think of any common themes from these sessions that you could reflect on or share to see if you are now ready and able to
start to look and then move forward

Have you tried EMDR, its renound for dealing with trauma and letting it settle within you.

Have you married, had children?

Honestly I’m not sure. She did get every other sort of therapy over the years through the NHS, non of them working. Whether she ended up paying for this herself I don’t know. Worth asking your GP though, I imagine it’s a bit of a postcode lottery if it is available but worth a try.

What is it that makes you uncomfortable?
The OP clearly said that the little boy’s case reminded her of her own abusive and lonely childhood. It highlights that there are children being abused right now, perhaps not as final as Preston or Victoria or Peter, but definitely suffering abuse that will affect the rest of their lives, like the OP.

How are you dealing with your discomfort? Are you a SW? Do you donate to children’s charities?
OP please try therapy again - maybe you had the wrong person before.

It’s true you’ve had a bad start which has disadvantaged you. This means you’ve not been able to fulfill your potential.

You’re in your 40s now with half your life or more ahead of you still. So called ‘good’ families can be equally bad behind the scenes for all sorts of reasons.

Time to stop the self pity and focus on what you’re doing now to make your life better. If You’re an adult now and the power is literally in your hands. Even if you’re skint you could move for a job, do some free training. If you’ve not got kids the world is literally your oyster. If you have there are still small steps you could take to make life better I’m sure.

Yes life can be incredibly unfair. I know people who just couldn’t shake the generational trauma. They were in care, their kids ended up in care, they died of alcoholism in their 50s. But I also know people who refused to accept that as their outcome. Despite chaotic families around them doing drugs and going to jail, they have changed their lives and stories. They are rare, it is hard, you have to be super strong.

Maybe CBT counselling will help you reframe things in your head. But yeah, life for some people is not fair.

Okay so what’s the alternative? I’m ND so I see things in black and white but it sounds like therapy didn’t work. Even with help, you need to take responsibility- unfortunately nobody can wave a magic wand and sort everything out.

You don’t want help from a stranger and you don’t get it from a friend.

I’m sure it is no consolation but even you have it better than a lot of people. The person that lost a child is probably worse off than you.

The only one who can turn this around is you. You don’t want to and that’s fine. But there ARE people in worse situations who have to get on with it and make the best of their lives.

Of course you don’t have to, but then it’s you that ultimately suffers.

Drank myself to sleep for a while. Spent a lot of years looking for love, connection, safety (sometimes online). Fucked up A LOT. Failed A LOT. Drinking, lots of random sex, reckless behaviour, self harm, self sabotage .Rinse and repeat. Didn’t think I’d make it past 25 so what was the point anyway. I was so convinced I’d die young ( or desperately wished it?). 40 and still kicking and actually doing ok now(most of the time).

@MyFastZebra my post sounded harsher than I meant it to and I’m sorry about that. I know you are sad. And it’s natural to be sad about awful things. But there comes a point when you have to see the sadness as some thing you either work round or drag with you as you work on the happier project.

There’s a book called radical compassion which I found useful as it teaches the importance of compassion for yourself as well - which is very different to self pity and the kinds of inaction that can lead to. So for example next time you are sad and reach for chocolate which may then trigger shame over being overweight and start a spiral of negative thoughts you can reach for the chocolate, acknowledge you are self medicating and that the fix will be temporary and lead to a spiral, so the compassionate thing to do for yourself is maybe eat one piece and have a cup of tea or glass of water with it instead. Tiny acts of self care that stack up to caring for yourself as someone worth taking care of.

Along with "Life is unfair" OP we need to also accept that "People are arseholes." Of course you deserved better. But only you can work out what "better" is and give it to yourself. 💗