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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU or is this not 100% my fault? *Warning - involves sex and a bit graphic /gross*

182 replies

CoffeeDate22 · 25/04/2026 09:37

I’m with a relatively new partner , about 8 months in to dating and things having been going pretty well. I’m late 20s, he’s late 30s. I have a history of sexual assault which he knows about. Something happened which made me uncomfortable and I’m looking for some perspective?

We’d been out for drinks and I was pretty pissed. I’ve had some family bad news recently and I was a bit emotional and drank a bit too much wine but not completely out of it.

When we got back to his flat we started having sex. I remember I was pretty messy, staggering about but I still consented and wanted to do it. I started to give him oral sex and during this he suddenly pushed my head and made it (sorry) go too far in and made me gag. I threw up … on him.

I was extremely apologetic but he made me feel really awful and like it was totally disgusting. I get it’s not nice but he pushed my head down! And I was really drunk. I ended up apologising so much and basically grovelling for him to give me a cuddle that night when we went to bed. The next day he was still saying I can’t believe you did that it’s so gross.

I don’t know. I feel upset and strange about it. AIBU?

OP posts:
TheSpecialTwo · 25/04/2026 10:28

Run.

PrayForPlagues · 25/04/2026 10:24

Second time Ive used this this morning… honestly, just dump him.

AIBU or is this not 100% my fault? *Warning - involves sex and a bit graphic /gross*
Uniqueheartbee · 25/04/2026 10:22

Not your fault! I am sorry it happened to you.

Id be telling him in no uncertain terms that he should NOT have done that! I would be furious!

He shouldn’t have done that, and then to make you feel awful about it is not nice!

N27 · 25/04/2026 10:18

Stop apologising immediately.

I would dump him but if for whatever reason you don’t want to I would tell him you are not willing to discuss it any further until he allows you to ram a banana down his throat against his will, after which you will gladly discuss how it made him feel and be willing to listen to HIS apology

Happyjoe · 25/04/2026 10:18

Well, it may just be the last time that he forces a woman's head down on him, in a roundabout way you've taught him a valuable lesson. But OP, am sorry, awful for you and he's an arsehole. Please do not let him make you feel guilty or bad, this is 100% his fault.

Youdontseehow · 25/04/2026 10:17

@CoffeeDate22 100% on him. He’s getting this from watching porn. The rough element will ramp up and he’ll be strangling and slapping you once he’s completely settled in the relationship.

dump - and tell him why - and move on 💐

ArtyFartyCrafts · 25/04/2026 10:16

Please dump him. He will do it again. Or worse. He is gross. You deserve SO, SO much better than this.

Original poster
CoffeeDate22 · 25/04/2026 10:14

Thanks everyone I really feel icky about it.

No we don’t have a mutual agreement of rough sex .

and the other thread is not me, but I did see that one and it made me think perhaps I should ask about what happened to me

OP posts:
Agapornis · 25/04/2026 10:14

He deserved that.

catface24 · 25/04/2026 10:12

100% his fault. He is so out of order for blaming you. You deserve more op and I hope you recognise this (and what everyone here is telling you) and leave him. Hope you are ok.

ChaToilLeam · 25/04/2026 10:06

He caused the situation and has the temerity to blame you for it! Disgusting pornsick wanker, bin this one rapidly. I hope you are okay, OP.

tripleginandtonic · 25/04/2026 09:59

Why did you apologise rather than explaining that him pushing your head down had caused you to gag? Or was it more because you'd had too much to drink thqt you were sick in which case he shouldn't have had sex with you right then?

Auroraloves · 25/04/2026 09:59

Not your fault. His reaction is unreasonable he caused you to vomit with his stupid action he’s probably seen in porn

rwalker · 25/04/2026 09:57

Yeah he’s out of order
stop apologising then tell him he forced his dick too far down your throat that’s the issue

Didimum · 25/04/2026 09:56

  1. do you normally have this sort of ‘
    mutually agreed/enjoyed ‘rough’ dynamic during sex? If so, then no issue with the act itself.

  2. If he was also drunk, I can understand in the moment being very surprised/disgusted.

  3. I cannot understand continuing the disgust and not just reassuring you and moving on. It wasn’t intentional.

ThisIsTheAge · 25/04/2026 09:55

This is porn culture AKA recorded rape culture.

Grabbing someone's head and forcing them to do something is assault. Grabbing someone's head and forcing them to do something sexual is sexual assault.

He has sexually assaulted you.

For your own wellbeing you need to end this relationship.

Being sexually assaulted once in a relationship is once too many.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you 💐

365RubyRed · 25/04/2026 09:53

Dump this awful abusive man. Please.
Sending you love and support 💕

Schoolchoicesucks · 25/04/2026 09:50

He did it. He's the gross one.

tilypu · 25/04/2026 09:50

This reply has been deleted

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EdinaMonsoon · 25/04/2026 09:49

Also OP having reread your thread title I want to say that none of this is remotely your fault. I hope you’re ok & you have some support.

BlueberryPancakes17 · 25/04/2026 09:49

You are 100% not being unreasonable. This is a huge red flag. He pushed your head too far and even though you threw up (because he pushed your head too far) it sounds like he was an absolute tool about it. He could have laughed it off or helped you. Get out while you can OP

pinkdelight · 25/04/2026 09:49

This is the second thread on here this morning where this has happened (the head pushing) to a woman whose been sexually assaulted in the past. One is too many. Of course it's not your fault. He is the vile one. Look after yourself.

(This is the other thread if it helps - https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5521440-weird-atmosphere-after-my-partner-did-something-strange-during-intimacy-last-night)

DysmalRadius · 25/04/2026 09:46

Please leave him. He sexually assaulted you and now wants you to apologise? Fuck that.

EdinaMonsoon · 25/04/2026 09:46

His reaction is disgusting. He forced himself into the back of your throat, making you vomit & yet he thinks you are the one at fault? Any decent man would be apologising to you. His behaviour towards you in the aftermath would be bad enough if he was a younger man (I’m thinking relatively inexperienced and emotionally less mature teen or early 20’s. But this is a man in his late 30’s who is supposed to be more mature. Leave him. This is a major red flag.