Just want bio mum to step up

Like I said, if OP needs her DP to step up or move out and live separately- then she absolutely should say that. You’re conflating two issues. One is that the OP is being taken advantage of by a cocklodger who won’t lift a finger or reach in his wallet. The other is her saying she did not sign up for being a step mum full time. If you sign up for being a step mum, that’s it. You can’t get just the arse because the child now lives with you full time. This is always a possibility. It shouldn’t be assumed that because he’s the “dad” you can be a “weekend step mum” - that he won’t ever have the child move in. Sometimes mums are shit. Sometimes they die. It happens.

You absolutely can get the arse they your DP isn’t stepping up as he should. RIP him a new one for it, I actively encourage it. Stop doing everything, stop paying everything.

My DP is step dad to my two and has went out of his way to provide, cook, clean and take care of them and myself. We work as a family unit but he does his full share without ever needing to be asked. He used his own savings as down payment on a house within the children’s school district and moved to not uproot them. They are with us full time. It was never a question, he never talks about having “time away” from them. Never gets resentful that their father isn’t around.

Being prepared to be a step mum means being prepared and happy to have this child full time. You can never guarantee what happens with the other parent. You can’t say “I was prepared to be a part time step mum” - you’re either in or out.

No, you can never guarantee you won't end up with a full time step child, but its far more likely to be part time, and that's what most of us can cope with

I've looked at them all.

First one, woman is asking what she should expect from a step dad in terms of behaviour for them as a family and is given various advice. But it's about a man who has been clear with her he doesn't want to be a dad, so the thread mostly focuses on why a man with no interest in having children wants to be with a woman with one. You're right, noone is saying "don't be with a woman with kids if you don't want to be a step dad" but it's cos they're talking to her, not him, and I've seen questions asked around that topic.

Second one is similar, what should she expect. People are saying her DP sounds like a lodger not a partner or parent. Not the same scenario.

Third one is a man who is absolutely willing to be a step dad, asking advice on behavioural issues. So obviously no one has said don't be with a woman with kids if you're not prepared to be a step parent. Cos he has made it clear he's all in as their step parent.

And again, step-dads are never told they need to be prepared to have their step-dc full time.

How many step-dads do you know who pay all the bills and do all the cooking and cleaning for their step-dc?

So kick them out if you're not happy?

Being prepared to be a step mum means being prepared and happy to have this child full time. You can never guarantee what happens with the other parent. You can’t say “I was prepared to be a part time step mum” - you’re either in or out.

Your life wasn’t drastically changed by a 9 year old. It was changed by being with his father, who is fathering. If you need him to step up, say that. If you need him to move out and live separately, say that too. But you absolutely cant have him to yourself and this was realistically never on the table

See above.

Nope, step-dads are consistently told they’re not obligated to take on step-dc. See examples below.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/5011541-how-much-should-a-stepdad-be-doing

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5070813-expectations-from-step-dad

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/4410374-Struggling-Stepdad

Don’t get involved with a man who has children unless you’re prepared to be their step mum. It’s literally that simple. There’s plenty of time to figure out if you want to jump ship. Then… When you’re in, you’re in.

Literally this this.

Don't get het up about the bio mum thing. It's just a good way to make a potentially confusing post less confusing.

Other than that, I agree. If partner has kids, you always have to be prepared to welcome them to live with you if needed. If you can't do that...

But it's not much use saying that now, as you have a child together.

Because she thinks he should move back in with his mum even though he’s chosen to live with his dad. Because she’s started a family with someone who already has a child but finds them inconvenient. She feels used because the son has moved in and she earns more than her DP. She’s said her DP works and is involved with the day to day work of running the house so her only issue appears to be that her SS is living with her. I think it’s rage bait. Anyone that’s spent any time on mumsnet would know this would blow up

I absolutely would. Point me to a thread where a step dad is saying his step child should be encouraged to go home (to not his house) and I'll tell him the same.

You don't see it cos there's very few men post on MN. You see us saying it to step mums because they post.

@nomas
it isn’t the stepdad posting for advice on this thread though is it?!?
so there would be no point whatsoever advising a hypothetical stepdad what to do would there?

the op is posting on this thread. Ergo, the advice is for her.

ditto the ‘bio’ mum. Not on the thread so not a whole lot of point giving them advice is there.

The villain? Because she does everything a parent would do for this child, except love him in the way a parent does?

Most mothers would hate it if their ex's new partner claimed to love the step son they look after, as much as they do.

She hasn’t, one of her sons still lives with her the other has chosen to live with his dad. Which is why she won’t be paying CM. OP wants SS family to convince him to return to his mums as she doesn’t want him.

I don’t even know why I’m replying though as I think this is clearly someone trying to get interactions on their post because no one would have so little insight as to not see they’re the villan in the story

Can you link a thread where this has happened?

Plenty of people say this to step dads?

Why call him SS? You’re not his stepmother. You’re his father’s girlfriend. Bio/birth mother? Mum is sufficient. Poor boy.

She's allowed to have feelings. I'd be fucked off with a woman that abrogates all responsibility to her child and leaves it to someone else.

How come no one says this to step-dads?