Kids won't come to mums funeral, family blames me

This reminds me of the time my aunt died. She had no children. My cousins, who hardly knew her, completely took over. We probably should have told them "no, you're not in charge of the readings". Those of us who were actually close to her felt like bystanders. My mother just wanted to get through it, so we left them to it.

Life moves on, and the younger generation doesn't deal with the bullshit demanded of society regardless of whether it causes offence or not. Your DS is right, where were these people when she was alive and wanted company. DD may be riding a shotgun in solidarity with him. Also, yes, it is a day off work for them both; I doubt they will get compassionate leave, and it will be a holiday. Today was for them to see family and pay respects without enduring the service sniffing relatives who hardly saw her performing on Monday. I take my hat off to them, but I wish they had told you first so you were prepared for your sister's reaction.

Your family sounds a bit skewed. Everything is prepped for difficulties in that your kids inheriting more.

also come from a big family with loads aunts/uncles. My gran had her favourites (I wasn’t one) BUT I had enough family values to do the right thing and turn up for funeral and support my mum (who was gran’s least favourite child).

it is up to them but if they really feel like this would they bother to organise your funeral?

I’m sorry to hear you’ve raised such selfish ungrateful brats OP. Absolutely disgusting behaviour, I’d be ashamed if they were my kids. Your sister was far more pleasant than I’d be! How utterly self centered and cruel they are

I agree with PP who’ve suggested having a separate service after, especially if your DC were excluded from planning this one (very bad form of your DS).

If it’s a cremation, how will the ashes be disposed of? Could your DC organise and lead the ceremony to bury them. Or could they be shared, so your DC can do something special and meaningful with your family’s share?

If it’s a burial, could they have a special ceremony at the grave at a later date.

Or have a special ceremony, and maybe plant a tree, somewhere that reminds them of their grandma? A favourite walk, park or holiday place which they can always visit and take their own DC to?

Sounds like they were planning to come and events at the breakfast have changed their minds - possibly all the talk of how people who didn’t care for your DM are going to be running the show for their ‘performance’. As someone who had to go through this at my GMs funeral and over 25 years on it’s one of my overriding memories of the day I say good for them for not putting up with it. Your son sounds honest and caring and no more tactless than your sister who shouldn’t have said many things over numerous occasions by the sound of it, stand by your kids.

That is a huge drip feed, and I can see why they don't want to come if the only other funeral they went to is their Dad's - sounds like the thought of another funeral is quite triggering if they are not usually selfish brats. Very tactlessly done though, especially the walking out and getting the partner to slink back in and get their stuff. As for the disparity in money that was your mum's choice and none of your sister's business.

Hm. Of course they don’t HAVE to come. It does sound as if your son was deliberately provocative and hostile — but then your later posts suggest he had some cause. Were there members of the family who did neglect your mother when she was alive? If his experience of his father’s funeral didn’t help him, I can understand why he might not want to come.

At any rate, let’s face it, it doesn’t make the slightest difference to your mother. You sound as if you’re OK with it. Why is your sister so cross? Did your son touch a nerve?

Anyway, funerals are for the living, and your children have as much right to grieve in their own way as anyone else. It’s not selfish if they don’t want to come.

No-one should be forced or guilted into going to a funeral.

I haven't been to a funeral in over 30yrs. I chose not to attend my grand-dads funeral and he was like my dad and brought me up. I wrote the eulogy which my mother read out.

I dont believe in the concept of a funeral, i said goodbye to him in hospital after he passed. My grief was my own and didnt want to share it or be part of others grief.

i don’t think he was saying they shouldn’t attend, but that they shouldn’t be placing themselves front and centre and pushing out those that were actually there for the grandmother. It may be their grandmother’s funeral, but it’s an event for their aunt.

It’s not their grandmother they don’t respect, it’s their aunt, her children and their theatre of the grotesque.

"He has an issue with the fact that 3 of my siblings (6 of us all in) hadn't made any effort to see my mum, often only seeing her once every 6 months (all live in a 20 mile radius), he lives the furthest but was the closest to her, and she often complained to him that others didn't try or only called her when they wanted something.,"

Well in this instance I think your Son is probably right not to join in with what must seem like a performative family event.

It's what you do with your family when they are alive that counts.

Your son was there when it counted… when your mum was alive. She’s gone now, it’s up to your son how he want to grieve his loss.

Properly read all the updates now. I support your son. Stuff your sister.

I have to agree. They sound truly vile.

You sound very passive OP. You're allowed to have an opinion about your dc's behaviour, and your sister's too. And your dc do sound pompous. It's not for them to police everyone else's relationships and declare them inauthentic. And their own perspective doesn't trump everyone else's. I think they've been extremely rude. I don't really get the "it's their choice" attitude. It's their choice but other people can be hurt and angry about the choice they've made, and tell them so.

I'm with the children. Let them do their own thing. No-one else's business if they go or not.

I’m with your son (although he was tactless) - it makes no difference to your Mum who goes to her funeral, what made a difference to her was him visiting her while he was alive

Possibly your son was planning to attend but was then put off by the way it was being planned. He might prefer to meet with you and his sister another time and remember your mother in his own way.

Although personally I make an effort to attend funerals I dont criticise those who dont.

As the Op's DC can have a view on other people's behaviour whilst their grandmother was alive.
Cuts both ways.

I was in your kids position a few years ago OP. I was very close to my GF. When he was placed in a nursing home it was "too hard" for a majority of my extended family to visit (so they didn't see him for 2 years). I went fairly religiously, every week, even when I'd given birth the week before.
Then he died the day before I came home from a trip. I found out through SM from "devastated" cousins. My DM was absolutely furious with all of them- she'd specifically asked for the news to be withheld until I got home.
Then came the funeral. And you know what- I'm with your DS. Watching these relatives with their performative crap when they hadn't bothered with him for years "because it was too hard". It tainted the day for me and I still resent them for what they did.

I don't know if I could agree with them not going to the funeral at all, but I do understand where they are coming from.

Also- I think you are getting a bit of unnecessary grief here- your DC are adults and free to make the choices they wish. But your sister sounds like a PITA!

Your children sound awful.

@LounSue When did your children discover that they had no part in the funeral service? From what you have said, sounds like it might only have been at the breakfast that they discovered the fact that they were excluded?

In which case I would have been mad too. However, I would have made it clear that I wanted to also say something at the funeral too. Not storm out. But until we know exactly what was said by both sides, it's difficult to say what the situation actually is.

I don't understand why a family meet up to discuss the funeral was only held TWO days before the funeral. I needed to have the order of service given to the printers a week before my Mum's funeral, and discussions took place well before that, on who was doing what.

My sister and I don't get on either, but we managed to come up with something, after lots of some disagreement. But it wasn't 2 days before the funeral!

I think the main problem isn’t that they’re not coming to the funeral, it’s that he was extremely rude to have an outburst like that. It would have been much better if he’d quietly explained his thoughts to you.

However it’s done now and all you can do is try and smooth things over and keep the peace as you remember your lovely Mum.
Funerals are a deeply personal thing, I think that to me that final goodbye is important it’s that last gesture of love to the person who has died, but we’re all different and we must respect each others viewpoint.

Nailed it 100%. I voted yabu but I'm going to switch.

People deal with grief in different ways. In my opinion they were there for their grandmother when it mattered, in her life and she clearly knew that. A funeral is for the living and if they have been wonderful grandchildren throughout your mother’s life then this surely matters more. If you would like them there for support and speak to them about that then they chose not to go, not even just to the funeral and leave straight after then I’d be a bit upset, but I think they clearly loved her and made an effort so it’s not really a matter of respect. Older and younger generations have different views on funerals and that’s ok.