Kids won't come to mums funeral, family blames me

I’m so sorry @LounSue your sister sounds vile and right now you could do with her reigning it so you can focus on your mum. Is there anyway you and your other siblings could have more say and allow your children to speak at the funeral? If not I’d back your kids and give sis as wider berth as possible.

From your update, I understand that it's your sisters fault. She's stopped him from speaking at the funeral l, and told him she's unhappy with him and his girlfriend getting more money. I wouldn't want to go to a funeral full of people who didn't care about her. He did the right thing when she was alive, that's what matters.

What sort of family doesn’t come together for a mum, grandmas funeral, disgraceful alround

They are adults. Their views are legitimate, and neither they - nor anyone else - is obligated to go to a funeral. The OP's sister is being extremely unreasonable.

If she poo pood them speaking at the funeral you are well within your rights to contact the funeral directors to include them in the order of service. . So whoever is conducting the service can include them you don't have to go through your sister to do this, funeral directors will see fractured family relationships all the time.

I would think if they had a close relationship with your mum this would be their way of saying goodbye. Avoidance on your son’s part perhaps. But it doesn’t look like they are grieving to behave the way they have and posted it on sm. It’s definitely not your fault. They can make their own choices. I wouldn’t be defending them, they haven’t thought how this makes you feel have they. It sounds like your son has issue with your wider family and your daughter has followed his lead.

I think what OP meant was that her DS felt like people whom hadn't seen his dad or spent time with him recently didn't have the right to keep going on how they were going to miss him when they didn't take the opportunity to spend time with him when he was still alive...

And OP I understand your son saying about the pressure to look sad: my sister passed away when I was young adult and I felt like I was being judged for not crying at her funeral. I know later on now that obviously it was all in my head.

Everyone reacts to loss differently and it is ok to deal with it as is best for you personally. There are millions of different ways to pay respect for lost love one - attending the funeral isn't the only way.

I think he handled it well. He took the opportunity of the whole family being together to say how he felt, then underlined his point by walking out. If family members were pestering an elderly and vulnerable person for money they deserve to be called out on it.

Also, it's absolutely not "selfish" to refuse to go, FFS. Everyone responds differently so, arguably, it is selfish to force someone to do something just to meet one's own ideas of what's "correct".

Also, situations like this are a very good advertisement for direct cremations - nobody attends, and the problem is solved!

So are they.

It sounds to me as though the decision not to attend may have stemmed from your sister's bulldozing of the arrangements and placing herself and her DC's front and centre and excluding you and your DC's.

And you allowing her to do this because it's easiest.

You've just lost your mum and your DC's their grandparent so honestly not trying to upset you.

The family dynamic seems to be that everyone lets your sister do what she wants. Your mother felt used by her and her family members. And she shared her thoughts about this with your DC, and reflected that in her will.

But she still talked about wanting a big family get together after she had died.

That isn't your DC's fault. But they can now choose whether to say "actually Auntie I would like to read xx at Gran's funeral. It was her favourite reading and meant a lot to her. I'll talk to the vicar and arrange this". Or to put up and shut up, turn up and keep quiet (your approach). Or to burn the bridges, drive off with the radio blasting proclaiming that they were the ones who loved her most and funerals are meaningless anyway (their current approach).

If what your son says was actually said I’m not sure why he didn’t just tell everyone / you that this morning before he flounced out . I’m sorry OP but it sounds like you have a dysfunctional family and I’m including your sister and your children in that .

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly
You think they should be in some kind of Victorian Mourning?

It’s about being respectful of other people’s feelings

Ok to listen to upbeat music in private but posting it on SM so others who are genuinely mourning someone’s death can see it is not

At 25 and nearly 30 I would say something has gone very wrong in their parenting if they don’t know how to be respectful of other people’s feelings

As for your DS to say he thought funerals are a bunch of performative crap and half the people in the room couldn't be bothered with her when she was alive. Might well be true but I think it’s a case of takes one to know one when he said what he did and if him and his gf hadn’t wanted to extract more money out of your mother he would have done exactly the same as those he is berating

If he and his gf were genuinely close to your mother then they would be with the family now and for the duration of the funeral and wake

Ok to listen to upbeat music in private but posting it on SM so others who are genuinely mourning someone’s death can see it is not

Up to individuals what they post on SM. if people don’t like it they can unfollow / mute / block.

Everything doesn’t just stop when someone dies.

Sorry I can’t agree with their decision to not attend. They are attending to pay respects to your mother, their grandmother, what does it matter why other people are there? Ridiculous and disrespectful.

Well, the others are taking the money after not being there for her when she was actually alive... unlike DS

I know what's more important to me

This, 1000000x this

OP - I see your update, I believe your son (knowing what families are like) and think you should arrange a private "goodbye" with just you and your DC and partners.

I would be so disappointed if my children acted like this. Of course grandchildren take part in grandparents' funeral if the had a normal relationship.

Sorry for your loss 💐
After reading your update, think I would believe my son over my sister on this one! Your sister is showing her true colours.

What disrespectful, selfish brats you have raised!

Well, this was what I and other posters suspected had happened. You have a sister problem, not a DC problem.

Your kids wanted to go and even had a speech prepared. Your sister instigated this. She's punishing and excluding your children because she's angry they got more inheritance. (Ignoring the fact her children owed their GM thousands when she died). Your DC have stood up for their GM and stood up for themselves.

Support your kids OP. You go to the funeral, but then also find a way for your and your DC to come together to celebrate and remember your DMs life.

Of course not.
But a big flounce plus posting the social media video was a ridiculous way to handle it.

Yeah, there's a lot of bad behaviour all around here. Sister sounds toxic but OP's kids seem a bit entitled and not very hip to the idea that you might sometimes do things you find unpleasant for the benefit of others (their mum) or to honour others (grandma).

Ask your son to share with you the speech he and his sister wrote for his grandma. It might be nice to have confirmation that it really exists.

I think it's up to DC if they come to the funeral, even if my mum would have wanted them there. However I'm not sure why they came today if they aren't coming to the funeral.

So he could do a big performative flounce and make his point, however much it hurt other family members. Very poor behaviour from your DC, I would be telling them how disappointed and embarrassed I was by this.

I'm team DS here. He was there for your mother while she was still alive, which is frankly more important than attending or not her funeral. Your sister sounds awful. I'd be tempted to not attend the funeral either and have a quiet ceremony with your children at a different time.