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Original poster

Kids won't come to mums funeral, family blames me

404 replies

LounSue · 01/02/2025 12:42

Context, my wonder 88 year old mum passed away recently, we are all beyond devastated. Her funeral in on Monday. Today we met up with the extended family for a breakfast, the intention was my sister would host my siblings and I, plus all the kids and my mums brothers for a simple breakfast, discuss the plans for Monday and make sure everyone was on the same page.

Both my children (29 and 25) came, my son and his GF had to get an early train to be there. Everything was fine until my sister came over and asked why my son had just told her son he wasn't coming to the funeral, I was under the impression he was. He was very close to my mum, called her several times a week, visited often and took her to all sorts of things. I asked him and he said he didn't want to as funerals are a bunch of performative crap and half the people in the room couldn't be bothered with her when she was alive. My daughter then nodded and agreed and said she wouldn't be there either.
My sister lost it with them and raised her voice saying they were being selfish, as my mum had carefully planned every detail of her funeral and often spoke of how all the family would be together and it would likely be the last time (my dad passed in 2019, and some of my siblings aren't very close to others).
Both of my children walked out, DD's boyfriend came back in about 10 minutes later and got all of their coats/bags and said they were driving DS and his girlfriend back to London.
I tried to call both of my DC as did DH (not their dad) but no answers. Now my sister is saying it is my awful parenting that has caused this and my children are selfish.
This is made worse by my mother having left slightly more money to my DS than all the other grandkids (20k to most of them, 25k to DS and a further 7.5k to his girlfriend (they have been together for 4 years and she was very close to my mum). My sister seems to think he manipulated her into doing this, I don't think he did.
Then my DD posted on instagram or something a video of her and DS, his girlfriend and her boyfriend listening to very loud upbeat music in the car and my niece showed her mum and my sister is now saying it's so disrespectful they are doing that.

I think it's up to DC if they come to the funeral, even if my mum would have wanted them there. However I'm not sure why they came today if they aren't coming to the funeral.

How do I handle this? My sister is grieving as are we all so I'm trying to not get worked up at her reaction but I do think its made things worse.

AIBU to think DC are fine to do what they want and my sister has massively blown this out of proportion?

OP posts:
Suzuki76 · 01/02/2025 12:45

Erm - it's up to them, yes, but to be honest he was tactless in his wording and I suspect this may be partly due to both of them having to take the day off work. I think your DD just saw her way out and nodded along.

itsallbowlsbaby · 01/02/2025 12:46

How awful for your mother that her grandchildren won't attend her funeral. I'm all for adults making their own decisions but I'd be devastated if my children were that callous and selfish.

titchy · 01/02/2025 12:47

I think emotions are very heightened at the moment, your dc's are also presumably grieving, and hopefully things are being said as a result of that.

That said if this reflected their true feelings towards the funeral I would be beyond disgusted at their attitude frankly.

Purplecatshopaholic · 01/02/2025 12:48

As adults, it is absolutely their decision, and not your fault what their decision is. Sad and selfish on their parts though.

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 01/02/2025 12:49

I think your DC are selfish. Even if they don't agree with funerals, they must know how hard Monday will be for you. Why aren't they supporting you at such a tough time? I wouldn't want my mum to bury her parent alone.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 01/02/2025 12:49

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Bloodybrambles · 01/02/2025 12:50

Is there more to this? Does your son have an issue with the rest of the family?

I was peeved that I did most of the care for my elderly grandparents but when it came to the funeral everyone seemed to care/felt they had equal say.

At one point I did think I’d leave the circus up to them and spent the day reflecting grandparents in their favourite place. But, I didn’t, I went to their funeral as I knew that’s where I was meant to be.

Is your son Ok? Maybe he’s massively struggling with the loss and acting out?

MissFancyDay · 01/02/2025 12:50

Forget about your sister, what do you think about their behaviour.

If they were mine I'd be shocked at their lack of respect. They don't sound very pleasant.

HoppityBun · 01/02/2025 12:50

Of course it’s up to your DC, but perhaps explain that funerals are for the living and their consideration towards other family members speaks volumes about their character.

Original poster
LounSue · 01/02/2025 12:50

See I don't really see an Issue with them not coming to the funeral, the only other funeral they have ever been to is their dads when they were teenagers and DS has been open about feeling like it didn't help him, he felt too much pressure to look sad and hated hearing people who hadn't spoke to his dad in years saying how much they would miss him etc.
I do wish they had handled it more tactfully though.

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 01/02/2025 12:51

I'm not sure whether this is some kind of reverse because I can't see why you are trying to back your own children. They have behaved really shockingly badly. I have a grandchild and I would be heartbroken if she refused to come to my funeral, saying it was performative crap.

stealthninjamum · 01/02/2025 12:52

Sorry op but unless you’re missing information out and there are family feuds I think your dc are being selfish and disrespectful.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 01/02/2025 12:52

Not everyone wants to go to a funeral. It's not for the person who has passed away it's for the living ones.

Sounds like your sister is quite negative and insulting about you and your children, jealous of money being more favourable to them possibly. They can grieve whatever way suits them and it's no one else's business. You said they were close, are they possibly angry at others who had very little contact but are now crawling out of the woodwork for a funeral? Hypocrites put me off funerals too.

SunnieShine · 01/02/2025 12:52

Stop making excuses for your miserable children, OP.

Redcandlescandal · 01/02/2025 12:52

Tell your siblings to back off. Your mother clearly won’t have a clue that your kids aren’t there!

I hate funerals for similar reasons and avoid them as much as possible.

Selttan · 01/02/2025 12:52

Wow your son is quite rude. Even if he thinks the funeral is just a performance he could at least attend to support you who has lost her mother.

Notmanyleftnow · 01/02/2025 12:53

It is of course up to them, but they are being very selfish.
It's not about whether they would enjoy it or nor.

Original poster
LounSue · 01/02/2025 12:53

Bloodybrambles · 01/02/2025 12:50

Is there more to this? Does your son have an issue with the rest of the family?

I was peeved that I did most of the care for my elderly grandparents but when it came to the funeral everyone seemed to care/felt they had equal say.

At one point I did think I’d leave the circus up to them and spent the day reflecting grandparents in their favourite place. But, I didn’t, I went to their funeral as I knew that’s where I was meant to be.

Is your son Ok? Maybe he’s massively struggling with the loss and acting out?

He has an issue with the fact that 3 of my siblings (6 of us all in) hadn't made any effort to see my mum, often only seeing her once every 6 months (all live in a 20 mile radius), he lives the furthest but was the closest to her, and she often complained to him that others didn't try or only called her when they wanted something.,

OP posts:
stealthninjamum · 01/02/2025 12:53

Op that’s quite a drip feed? Was their dad absent or abusive? I might understand their attitude if they had to endure people saying how he was when he wasn’t.

Suzuki76 · 01/02/2025 12:53

LounSue · 01/02/2025 12:50

See I don't really see an Issue with them not coming to the funeral, the only other funeral they have ever been to is their dads when they were teenagers and DS has been open about feeling like it didn't help him, he felt too much pressure to look sad and hated hearing people who hadn't spoke to his dad in years saying how much they would miss him etc.
I do wish they had handled it more tactfully though.

I'm just hearing "Can't be bothered." He should be there for you, not himself. What's DDs excuse?

titchy · 01/02/2025 12:54

LounSue · 01/02/2025 12:50

See I don't really see an Issue with them not coming to the funeral, the only other funeral they have ever been to is their dads when they were teenagers and DS has been open about feeling like it didn't help him, he felt too much pressure to look sad and hated hearing people who hadn't spoke to his dad in years saying how much they would miss him etc.
I do wish they had handled it more tactfully though.

Understandable as a teen at a parents funeral. But they are fully fledged adults, and frankly need to do some adulting. No one really wants to go to a funeral. We go out of respect for the deceased - it's one final time to put what they would have wanted above what we want.

FindusMakesPancakes · 01/02/2025 12:55

Yes, it is up to them. But that doesn't make them right. As adults, they should want to support you in your grief rather than make it about them.
I suspect this may be tied back to losing their father in their teens. It doesn't sound as if they have got over that yet.

Original poster
LounSue · 01/02/2025 12:55

Suzuki76 · 01/02/2025 12:53

I'm just hearing "Can't be bothered." He should be there for you, not himself. What's DDs excuse?

Edited
Show quote history

He didn't come to my dad's funeral as he was travelling in South America, DD didn't come as she was at Uni in the USA and it was the same week as a big sporting competition.

OP posts:
Tisthedamnseason · 01/02/2025 12:55

LounSue · 01/02/2025 12:50

See I don't really see an Issue with them not coming to the funeral, the only other funeral they have ever been to is their dads when they were teenagers and DS has been open about feeling like it didn't help him, he felt too much pressure to look sad and hated hearing people who hadn't spoke to his dad in years saying how much they would miss him etc.
I do wish they had handled it more tactfully though.

I do think this is probably pretty relevant.

But didn't they go to your dad's funeral either?

RedHelenB · 01/02/2025 12:55

Very selfish of them.