MIL lied about genetic condition

YABU, she only found out when he was 17 and it was her decision to make to share or not. I am sorry but her right to medical privacy over rides your right to know.

We have been through this with breast cancer gene. It is better handled now. At 18 my sons will be advised they may be at higher risk due to familial tests, but it won't disclose who. They will have access to screening.

This to me is the way it should be, protection for individuals and privacy respected.

She should have told him. Perhaps not at 17 but certainly in his 20’s

I think yanbu. I'd be furious too, especially if delaying treatment has worsened your husband's symptoms.

I don't agree with the PP at all. Her son had the right to know about the condition and be tested and especially before he took the decision to have children.

To wait until he had symptoms is awful.

Of course the op and her dhs right to know about risk to their children overrides her “privacy”.

i would maintain a relationship with her for the children but i would be very very clear
about boundaries and I would not be providing her with any support etc

But it’s not just HER right is it? Her son may have it so surely he should have a right to know too? If it only impacted her then fair enough but she thought it may impact him but never told him? That’s wrong.

Agreed. He was 17 he deserved to know and be aware of that information long before he got to his 40s and started to experience symptoms. I would find it very hard to forgive her for keeping something so important a secret.

Your stance is correct - you should tell your sons. They don't necessarily need to know who from - although they'll be asked at appointments - but they deserve to grow up knowing about the increased risks.

The MIL in this situation has fucked up. She didn't need to tell her son that she had a condition, but she needed to tell him that he might. Her right to privacy does not override his right to know at all, but she could have balanced both.

And there's no excuse for not telling him when they first told her that he was suffering from symptoms, either.

To let him go through all manner of tests when she had the answer is unforgivable in my book.

Fuck that bitch.
I'd tell DH she's dead to you or her health would be in even more jepody.

Bollocks to that, she had a duty to tell her son that he might have a life limiting condition, one he could pass on to his kids.

Sticking her head in the sand about it was never going to have a positive outcome.

I have a genetic condition. We thought long and hard before having kids, and told them about it once they were old enough to know. Which we decided they were before they were ten. It’s the sort of thing where knowing it can help prevent some of the damage if that makes sense, so they need to know IMO.

I can understand her not telling him immediately if she needed time to process the information herself first, but she should have told him before he had kids.

Is it possible she’s completely in denial about the whole thing and just hoping he’ll be okay? Some people do bury their heads in the sand. If they find something too difficult to deal with they just try to pretend it’s not happening. Never a good idea, but a pretty common human response none the less.

I cannot imagine behaving as your MIL did towards her son, but with the caveat that a lot would depend on how serious the condition is, and how inheritable. But to find out that she’s kept potentially such important information from her son, and you, for many years, and not told him when he married and could be expected to start a family- that is one hell of a shock. It’s a betrayal of trust and I think it’s entirely understandable that you’re furious with her.

Well mil didnt really let him go through all manner of tests. She didnt know he was having symptoms until very recently. Perhaps they are the type of family who aren’t very open with each other? Mil didn’t disclose a genetic problem. Dh didn’t tell dm about his symptoms until op made him. Family dynamics can be strange,

Yes, she should have told him. If not when he was younger, but certainly once he got into long term relationships and was thinking about having children.

She didn’t have to share anything with your DH, but it might have been better If she had.

But, not all genetic problems affect everyone.

I'm not surprised that you are angry. IMO it is justified - I am waiting for results of BRACA gene testing, but I did not do the test until I had discussed it with my dc, including 17yo youngest dc. Because if I test positive it is relevant to their own health. It is not my secret to keep from them.

But the anger doesn't get you anywhere. It just makes you more unhappy. You have the knowledge now - can you use it? Does the genetic condition have anything to do with the symptoms your dh has, or is it basically yet another thing to worry about? Do you want your dc to be tested for it?

Is there a charity for this condition? If so, you may be able to access counselling through it. You can talk through your options, and your feelings, which can help you process it all.

‘Genetic problem’. Very vague, like what? As others said family dynamics are funny. She’s obviously fucked up but I don’t think cutting her off is very helpful.

When I say what sort I just mean rough area op, don’t out yourself sorry. Different generations had more stigma about these things remember. It doesn’t make it right. My dad was beaten up for his by his dad and it informed how he dealt with it.

This is a difficult one.

I have a genetic condition with a 50% inheritance risk. I only discovered this after I had a child and my body started falling apart and other conditions joined the party.

I don't discuss the genetic condition with my teen because I could not bare the fear it would ignite when they have watched me suffer so much and spend alot of time in hospital. There is also the fact that this condition can manifest differently in different people, some don't even notice, women also seem to suffer far worse than males. I sit and wait and only hope nothing appears.

By the time my child is an adult, I would have to think long and hard about how and when to tell them. I personally would not want this passed on. I don't want to up end child's life either. But there's the possibility of a good life even with this; my outcome has been very unfortunate. It's possible all this was in MILs mind.

I think there's a deeper issue here in that your MIL sounds like a problematic person and I'm guessing may have different values and morals to you She may be the type who won't take accountability for this.

You can only look forward and focus on how to help husband and explore whether your children may be affected.

So sorry for you to learn all this. 💐

YANBU OP, that's terrible. I can't imagine not telling my children about the genetic issues that run in our family when they are older. It's cruel.

Without any shred of doubt the best thing for your DH and your own children would have been to tell them. The fact that she has considered her own feelings and fears of higher importance than her own child's wellbeing is incomprehensible.

I would move on from this (slowly) if either of the following applied:

• she is hard of understanding in some way or has a condition which makes it difficult to empathise with others.
• she is usually a decent person and following this 'blip' she is absolutely overwhelming remorseful and knows absolutely that what she did was unbelievably selfish, and apologises without any caveats.

@Tittat50 Sounds similar to mine. Very rough isn’t it

Yanbu.
When you discover you have a genetic, hereditary condition it is not just your medical information. It is also the medical information of anyone you've passed your genes down to.

There's a thread on reddit actually where the parents knew they'd got the genes for Huntingtons and kept it secret. It was awful. One of their adult children was dx and even after that they got angry at that child for telling the other children.

When it is something that can be passed down, you don't have the right to deny people the information they need to make informed decisions about getting tested themselves, or deciding whether to have children