Thinking it’s weird that his 18 year old will have the master room

YABVU

You are absolutely right to do what you think is best for your own children and I applaud you for that.

However this is a girlfriend of 4 years trying to make trouble before she's even moved in. In my opinion even without the trouble she is causing it would be a big mistake to move in with this current boyfriend and sell her house.

It is her home. You are the interloper, the "visitor", and you want to chuck her out of her bedroom? You couldn't act more like a classic "evil stepmother" if you tried!

She has been in her father's life for 18 years and always will be; you might be temporary.

With the attitude you currently have, it sounds like you moving in would be a bad idea for all concerned.

It does sound like you're setting a test for him to pass or fail.

Even if not the case, look at it in an empathetic way. You moving in will be a big deal for her. Do you really want to compound the sense of invasion by turfing her out of her room?

@grizzleGrazzle - I do take your point about two people needing more space than one, but do you want to get off on the wrong foot with her by turfing her out of her bedroom?

It could well be a big adjustment for her anyway, having her dad's partner move in, and if she finds herself in the smaller bedroom as well, I can see that creating a lot of extra resentment. It might be better if, to keep the peace, you accept being in the smaller room. As and when she does move out, then you and your dp could swap the rooms over.

Your attitude is concerning and rather immature.
You shouldn't be selling your house. Keep it as a long term investment. If your relationship endures and progresses, then is the time to sell and have your financial contribution legally recognised. By which time, hopefully, family relationships will have developed more appropriately and harmoniously.

Don't they? We've seen it a lot on here, treating them as lodgers as soon as they turn 18. Some awful threads.

His dd's room is more like a flat to her. She will spend so much time in there, studying, socialising etc whereas you have the whole house to do that and will spend limited time in your bedroom. It is obvious her need for the space is greater.

If you are not genuinely content with her to have the room and are going to resent the dd having the master bedroom don't move in until she moves out as it will make for an awkward living arrangement for everyone and could damage relationships long term.

I don't actually think it's weird that the daughter has it in the first place. It's probably a fairly practical solution from a single man with a daughter's point of view. An 18 year old girl at uni is likely to spend a lot of time in her room studying and probably has a lot more crap than her single man dad - assuming he was single when this arrangement started. The only reason it's weird is if you automatically think the parent should have the biggest space for no other reason than them being the parent. You already said the next biggest bed room is still large so it probably more than meets his needs.

Yes, as a couple, you'll probably have more need of a larger room and walk-in wardrobe but your partner has given a perfectly reasonable solution that makes sure you both have enough space without upsetting the status-quo of the house. Why would you want to move into a partners family home and upset the balance with your potentially future step-daughter?

I think with you moving in there is even more reason to keep status quo. she has more space - you both have more privacy rest of house. she doesn't feel turfed out because a stepmum is arriving.

Ye gods, way to ruin any relationship with her before you move in! It’s her HOME!!! Regardless of whether it was right to give it to her in the first place she’s got it now and it would be completely cruel and self-sabotaging to boot her out so that you and her dad can create a love nest.

Of course you can reconsider once she’s left home but not while she’s still living there.

Chances are she probably doesn’t want you there at all. And even if she does, her having a bigger room will mean she can spend more time in there, almost like a bit if a bedsit, if she needs some space.

Why are you selling your house as well? Surely better for you to move in and see if it works out first- just rent your place out for a year or so.

In 2024 who on earth is still saying “master bedroom”?? It’s referred to as the primary bedroom. Everyone lost their shit a while back about someone posting “throw a paddy” but language like this is still being used

Just to add OP, you sound toxic af and good on him for putting his foot down

If I had several children and ALL of them left home as soon as they possibly could, I'd be looking at myself very hard in the mirror and wondering why they're all so quick to flee from me ...

My kid is my kid and she will always be my kid even when she's 40 and I'm 70+

And no doubt the OP would be the first to moan when the daughter feels a bit enclosed in her room and spends more time downstairs. At the moment it works for the family, move in first and see how things go. If there is an issue then you can communicate together about it!

Sounds to me like you are more bothered about the value of his house and having the bigger room for principle than actually considering others feelings (i.e. his daughter who probably cannot afford to move out yet, and has someone new moving into her home to adjust too)

I think if you want this relationship to work you are going to need to accept her importance to your partner - its not a competition she is his child and will come first until she's established in the world as an adult.

As it’s HIS house do you think he should be the one to decide when she is shown the door?

The Op sounds insensitive, at best, but could be simply entitled and opportunistic.

We have no idea if she pays rent or had a job, OP hadn't mentioned that. But she is 18, the legal age of being an adult. I'm afraid you don't get to decide if that's true based on your own personal feelings.

Children and adults absolutely do not have to respect anyone who doesn't deserve it. They can respect someone's position or role ie a police officer or a teacher, but they do not have to respect the person. In OPs case, the adult daughter does not have to respect OP. She can respect the fact she is her dad's new girlfriend, but she does not have to give up her bedroom or anything else for this woman. I'm pleased the dad is standing strong.

I will not take parenting advice from someone whose children left home the second they were able to.

Regardless, your opinion here really doesn't matter. Neither does mine. The decision belongs to the dad. If OP can't accept that, then she is free to leave. I applaud him for putting his own daughter above a relatively newish relationship

He claims it’s because she uses her room more and he only really sleeps in his. He also has an office where as she has to study from her room too. It’s odd to me but whatever I guess!

I find it odd that he's given you that explanation and you don't seem to have taken it on board or understood it and you're still wanting to turf her out and have the room.

She has a larger room because she uses it to study. DP has a bedroom and an office. She'll also need the storage space for all of her things - including study materials etc. DP can store his things like that in the office.

I don't think you should move in if this is your attitude already.

It makes perfect sense to me that a teenage girl with all the clothes, accessories, makeup and friends they tend to come with would have the biggest bedroom, wardrobe and en-suite over her father having it, sounds very practical imo.
And yes you have lost your mind OP if you think moving in and turfing her out of her room is going to be a harmonious first step to living as a blended family. If you were all moving in to anew place of course you and your partner would have the master, but you are moving into her home, the balance is totally different

God I feel for DD, she's in for a hell of a time

My DD has always had the big room.

She always needed more space for toys etc and then as she got older she spends a lot of time in it and uses it for coursework, watching Tv etc whereas I basically just use it to sleep in.

I would give it another 6 months or so before thinking about moving in.

It doesn’t sound like you’re ready yet or had enough discussions about it.

What will happen if your DC needs to move home, is he ok with that?

It sounds like your kids couldn’t get away from you fast enough.

That’s not something I would be proud of.

This DD is at uni every day too and probably has friends etc so I don’t see why she should move out if her and her dad are both happy with her there.

He's right, though, she probably does use the space more when she's home. And girls tend to like their closet space. Leave her alone.

Can you rent your home out instead? As your own safety net asset-wise and home-wise?

Of course: she’s his daughter. Why would he disrupt her life for a girlfriend?? There are so many utterly shit dads written about on here, and then people manage to pick holes when it sounds like this one is actually great and puts his kids first.

I don’t agree. His DD has had this bedroom for years. It is going to be a big change for her with IP moving in, so it’s good to keep some things the same. He and OP will have a double en suite; it’s not like they’re in a box room!