For husbands ex to be mentioned at FILs funeral

Of course she’s there for every family event, she’s part of the family, and so as such will also be in the eulogy. She gave them a grandchild and was part of their lives for presumably a long time, she has as much right to be included there as you do. I’m sorry it’s a tough time for you but this really isn’t a big deal x

She's the mother of their grandchild too. Why should she be erased?

She's the mother of one of his grandchildren.

I don’t really understand how that’s mortifying for you? If I was at the funeral I’d think it was nice that it’s an amicable family, and not think anything negative towards anyone.

Kindly, it’s not about you, it’s about a fitting send off and eulogy for the person who has passed and their family who are arranging it. If they feel it’s fitting to have the ex’s close with the grand children and also mentioned in the eulogy then that’s their choice.

I’m just going to be publicly mortified in the church

I think you're overthinking. It's a funeral, they're presumably being mentioned as mothers of his grandchildren. No one is going to be thinking this is embarrassing for you.

This isn’t about your relationship. However hard it is to hear for you this is about FIL and his relationship with her as mother of his grandchildren.

I’m uncertain why it would be mortifying. She’s another person who was part of his life. It has no bearing on your relationship now.

Why on earth will you be publicly mortified in the church?

She’s the mother of their much loved grandchildren.

I genuinely don’t see what the problem is here.

(Also, to put it bluntly: this situation is not about you. Might be helpful to remember that.)

Ultimately she’s the mother of his grandchildren just like you are and therefore he obviously spent time with FIL and he wanted that to be recognised.

You can’t erase someone’s history/ existence just because of a divorce (although many try to) I think I would understand why she is mentioned and even think it’s lovely for their child not to feel she is excluded.

all part of a divorced / blended family I’m afraid

OP, I say this gently, but you need to give your head a wobble. You're an adult going to a funeral and need to get your priorities straight. This is not about you.

Without her they wouldn’t have their grandchild. It’s brilliant that are things are amicable between them and I see nothing wrong with her being mentioned.

im sorry you are going through a hard time but give your head a little wobble.

It's not about you, you married someone who already had a child that does not just go away at a press of a button

Agree with the others. It’s going to be a little awkward for you I can see that but it’s a funeral so chin up and bear it! X

I agree with PP, she is the mother of their grandchild. There's nothing unusual or mortifying about her being there or mentioned in the eulogy.

YABVVU.
My mum was present and mentioned at my dad's funeral. They were together 20 years and had my brother and me, my dad's only children. He remarried for 25 years before his death.
DM and DSM hugged and shared their memories of DF.

Hmm I don’t know. It might depend on how their relationship broke down. I’d be pretty disappointed if my kid’s controlling father was invited to such as event on my families side just because they are their father. And conversely, I wouldn’t be invited to anything on their side due to the controlling nature of the ex! So for some families, parties do try to erase people.

There's no reason for you to be upset or even mortified.
This is your FIL's funeral, and all members of the family should be mentioned.

It's irrelevant that your husband and his first wife are divorced.

If I've understood correctly the eulogy will mention both you and the ex? It sounds like your in laws have a good relationship with her as the mother of their grandchildren, so unless the mention of her is much more glowing than yours or focuses on her relationship with your DH rather than her role as mother the children, you should try to accept that she's in their life and that's a positive for your stepchildren and your in laws. Surely no one will wonder who she is as people at FIL's funeral will know he has grandchildren? The car sounds a bit more strange if it's just MIL, the older grandchildren and their mums together, but not sure I've understood that.

Can you expjain why this is upsetting you and feel you will be "publicly mortified" as I really don't get it? She is and always will be a family member because of the child.

She was the daughter in law of the deceased for a time and is the mother of some of his grandchildren. There hasn't been a falling out. I dont get the upset over her being mentioned and she has every right to be at the funeral in her own right not just as support for her children.

And OP the wider family will know who she is, surely?

It's not like some random women is going to make an appearance.

Why make FIL funeral all about you @Mama1209

I agree with her being at the funeral and mentioning her. After all, she knew the deceased and her DC are family.

What other family events does she attend? I'd question her attendance at some of them. What does DH have to say on the matter?

I mentioned my DH’s ex at his funeral, although they’d been divorced a long time. She was part of his life, and mother of his adult children.

I had no problem. 🤷‍♀️

You say she "was" part of their family but given she is the mother to your fil and mil's grandchild, then she is still part of their family. I don't know from you op if she was married to your DH or not but effectively she has the same family relationship to fil as you do.