For husbands ex to be mentioned at FILs funeral

A but mad that you think that people at a funeral who are presumably upset at the loss of a loved one/friend will give you more than a mere second’s thought.

Sorry OP but I don't see the problem here. I think you sound a bit insecure. Maybe work on your self esteem. His ex is their grandchild's mother. No need for you to feel mortified over.

There is no need to be mortified. It sounds absolutely fine.

This, absolutely. ⬆️

when my DH died, his DSons and their Mother sat with us on the front row of crematorium and were mentioned in the newspaper announcement and the eulogy.

He had split from her about 4 years before I met him, and the DSs were adults so why on earth not? You can’t just erase them!

To add… different if there is history of issues, obviously.

Blimey please don’t say this out loud to your family! a eulogy represents a persons life and all those who were significant both past and present over time. The ex was and is still significant in the families eyes.

Of course she will be mentioned she is the mother of their grandchild. YABVU

I also don't understand why you'd be upset or mortified about this. It's merely acknowledging someone who has been a major part of your FILs life (she is after all the mother of his grandchildren)

This is all about your own insecurities rather than any slight on the part of your in-laws.

The eulogy covers all stages of his life and she was part of one of those stages. They may well have been very fond of each other. Of course she should be mentioned. This is his eulogy about his life, not yours.

She's the mother to his grandchild, why would people be wondering who she is? And if they do, why does it matter? Really, no one except you will be thinking about you.

It seems natural her being mentioned.
I assume they will be mentioning you as well?
Are you worried they are going to heap praise on her and you will feel second choice in the family?
The fact you have been told she is going to be mentioned surely shows they are being sensitive to your feelings.
Funerals can be very emotional and overwhelming and I'm sure the mourners there will be focusing on their own memories of your FiL.

What’s the back story here op. 11 years and your jealousy is stil so uncontrollable you can’t even manage it for this funeral?

have you sought counselling or therapy? Has extreme jealousy always been an issue for you?

How odd. There’s not shame in being the second Mrs Moving-House. She must have some redeeming qualities, your husband liked her at one point. She just a person and a part of the family.

I think, kindly, it's reasonable for her to be there at the funeral and also mentioned. It'll just be one name in a list of many, I doubt it'll be noticed/remarked on by anyone. Why is she there for "every family event and occasion..." though? What type of events? That seems excessive and possibly made you more sensitive to the funeral issue? From what I've seen, sometimes it makes things harder for the children (and your SC must be 15+?) to play happy families for years on end.

The fact they felt they had to tell her shows there is a really big problem here.

My dad's partner had a massive strop at my nans funeral because of this exact thing. My dad was married to my mom for 20 years have 4 kids together, they divorced but was still all amicable with his current partner couldn't deal with. Only difference being you've had 11 years with your partner, my dad was only with his partner 1 year at this point.
My mom was mentioned at the funeral and current partner didn't like it one bit. Even confronted my mom about it as soon as we left the church !
She ruined the wake with her childish behaviour constantly crying and getting more drunk. A few of us told her to behave that day. I lost my patience and told her to shut the fuck up in private.
My dad and current partner even split up briefly over it !!

Op, this isn't about you. It's about your fil and his grieving wife. Sorry but you need to grow up.

It doesn't make their child any less family because you don't like it. She is still the mother of their grandchild. It would be weird not to mention her if relationships are all good.

My aunt (biological uncle’s ex wife) comes to all family events, parties etc. She’s the mother of my (adult) cousins and still has a good relationship with my grandparents, her ex’s siblings etc. Uncle’s new wife is also lovely but she can’t replace his first wife. She was like a second mum to me in early childhood, and that doesn’t just go away. That’s just how it is sometimes.

I actually feel better about it now that people have explained.

I'm curious as to why it needed explaining?

Did you expect them to have her sit in church and be the only member of the family not mentioned? Especially as they'll obviously be mentioning her DC?

Your MIL has kindly given you a head's up at what must be a very difficult time for her. You say you are also being mentioned, so what's the problem? No-one will "wonder who she is" unless they think your DH found his first child under a gooseberry bush.

When you say "I'm going through a hard enough time as it is", are you referring to your FIL's death or something unrelated? If the former, it's nothing to what your DH and his mum and siblings are going through. If it's something else, put it on the back burner for a few days and support your DH.

Your MIL sounds a lovely caring person, please don't spoil your relationship by making this about you.

I was going to ask this too… I think if you’ve known FIL a while and had a good relationship too I’d expect that mentioned.especially as you’ve been together 12 years and have a child together.

If they’re mentioning the ex and not you then it’s perhaps a bit weird.

nice of them to forewarn you tho.

When my dad died another layer of upset was added with suggestions of people who shouldn’t be mentioned. Please just take a step back and be respectful, and sorry for your loss x

I don't remember having anyone "mentioned" at DH's funeral. It was all about him. Did I unwittingly offend loads of people?

From the OP...

Now she tells me, along with me her DIL being mentioned in the eulogy, my husbands ex will also be mentioned/ thanked and my BILs ex. AIBU to find this embarrassing and upsetting?

Doubt it.

Eulogies are all different, aren't they?