AIBU to not agree to 50/50 custody?

It's not about his rights. It's about what's best for the baby.

A court will go for equal custody if both parents are able.

Please evidence this.

I agree with that but it’s most likely because the dads are shit and aren’t capable of 50:50 or don’t want it.

It’s the descent dads that will push for it as they want to spend as much time with their DC.

I doubt he will get 50/50. But think long term too. Dont give him all the weekend. Dont take all the weekend. Be ready to suggest a 50/50 split that will work best for a baby, not the adult.

That is hilarious. A decent dad will do what is best no or the child.

Ok so what if the dad wanted to be the main carer? If you don’t think 50:50 is fair? I assume you’d have an issue with that?!

Having a relationship with two loving parents is always better for the child.

If 50/50 doesn't work you could always alter it. Its not ideal to be chopping and changing but its also really difficult to guess what will suit and things will be fluid with regard to your jobs and what is best for your little one. From your OP your ex has him three days in the original proposal (albeit a good portion of 2 days is nursery) so its not a million miles away for 50/50 as it is in terms of day to day care. Xx 30 mins travel though is something to factor in at a young age after a long day at nursery it's potentially better to stay at the house of whichever parent collects them from nursery rather than switch in the evening xx

Of course he didn’t, OP was on maternity leave. What do you think maternity leave is for.

that said I think it’s difficult once a parent (usually dad) disengages it’s hard to get them to re-engage with their children so unless you’re exclusively breastfeeding (which I’m assuming isn’t the case for a 9-12 month old) it actually might be better in the long run for the child to be 50:50 with each parent. Especially if the dad is staying in the house then that will make any transition easier the more thine they spend there.

given the opportunity anyone can get a child to settle. Children learn very quickly to nap at nursery or with other carers. They expect different bedtime / naptime routines off different people very quickly.

big hugs to OP for what will be a tricky transition for her I’m sure.

I think it’s only common on here because dad's next wife/gf is more likely to post on here and she’s the one doing the parenting while dad goes to work as he always did.

Without fail, all the very young children I have known in the primary schools I've taught in have struggled mightily when they were subjected to 50/50. They were quite stressed by it.

Suggest you have Saturday Sunday and Monday and let him take care of paying for 4 days of childcare. He will soon change his tune
I really despair reading threads like this.

How do women expect men to be more open to sex equality when so many still think that when it comes to children, women are better raising them and should have more right on the basis of their sex.

There are many dads who are just as capable looking after and bringing up their children from birth. It's not just a woman's gift.

I see it around me a lot, men wanting to be involved as much as their partner or as much as they can around their work duties and doing so just fine.

Even my dad, 50 years ago was naturally very nurturing, more than my mum in many ways and was perfectly capable of looking after me as well as my mum.

It's more than time to break the stereotypes associated with women but with men too. Shame on many posters to show such biased when it suits their narrative.

Without fail, all the very young children I have known in the primary schools I've taught in have struggled mightily when they were subjected to 50/50
And you'll find many research telling you exactly the opposite.

It sounds as though he's realised he won't have to pay child support that way. No way should a nine month old baby be split between two houses.

Of all the kids I’ve known personally oner the years - most are teenagers/adults now are well adjusted and doing well.

To be fair that’s because in the scenarios that I know of, all of the parents get on and are more than amicable. I think if there is resentment there and the parents don’t get on then the kids will feel it and it won’t be as easy.

This 👏👏👏

100% agree with this but it's mums net dad's don't have any rights on here.

This well said totally agree.

Look at the child's needs and not the bank balance that you won't get if it's 50/50.

It's not about mums or dad's rights It's about what's best for the child, the child in this case is only 9 months old and being away from his main carer 50% of the week is arguably not in his best interests.

If we has a system like Sweden and both parents had equal time off together I would be more agreeable to 50:50 split so long as it wasn't as disruptive as what ops ex has asked for.

I'm not interested in what mum or dad wants, it's the child that this needs to work for.

Sigh all this anecdotal nonsense,

I understand this is mumsnet, and I’m a mother myself. But posting shite isn’t going to help the op.

whats important is can the father provide care for the child to a required standard , how much does their work impact, do they have the living arrangements etc.

if the answer is yes he can produce the right level of care, can house, can manage round his job then a court will say he can have fifty fifty.

all the well the kids I knew, or she’s the mum, or babies need their mums in the world won’t change it. He is as a starting point entitled to 50 percent of the parenting and the op doesn’t get to take it off him.

if she can prove it is detrimental, then she stands a chance. Maybe some of the posters with their anecdotes can help her with that.

Are you unable to grasp that being a main carer now doesn’t mean the op always has to be the main carer?it feels you are struggling.

Because the fucking twats they are divorcing on here are most definitely not into sex equality and that's usually why they are getting divorced, because they do absolutely fuck all as fathers and they are just going for 50/50 to avoid maintenance.

My dad was great. DH is great.

Most women get a divorce because their exH is a fucking useless father and a fucking useless husband. A clue: they are not going to start being great after divorce.

All this OH KIDS TURN OUT GREAT WHEN PARENTS ARE AMICABLE AND DO 50/50 LALALALALA Try being amicable with a FUCKING ARSEHOLE.

Like I said previously, if op has had 9 months of caring for her baby and it wasn't shared leave with her ex then the reality is that she is currently the main carer.
What are you struggling to understand about that?

Exactly!

She has been on maternity leave so she would have been doing most of it.

PP have mentioned 50/50 not being ideal for children but surely in this instance it's better than the current arrangement?

DC at OP Monday, ex Tues/Wed, grandmother Thurs, ex Fri/Sat, and finally OP Sat/Tue.

How is that any less disruptive than Mon/Wed ex, Thu/Sun OP alternating? I can see how frustrating it would be for ex as he never gets a day with DC where he's not collecting or dropping DC from your house?