AIBU to not agree to 50/50 custody?

I think you need to think through what you're saying.

You're calling a parent who wants to be a parent 50% of the working week stubborn.

Because you don't want it.

There's no reason a 9mo who isn't ebf can't do that any more than a child of 2/3 etc. the younger it starts the more of a norm it is for them.

Also be aware that as you have moved 30 minutes away a court isn't likely to direct him to be doing the dropping off and picking up either. Minimum is likely to be 50/50 drop offs but usually the parent who moves away has to facilitate - but as it's not too far away it's likely to be equal expectation.

You have to ask yourself honestly why you don't want the arrangement. Many families who aren't split have a parent working away a few days a week or a SAHD.

Would you think the same if you were the non resident parent and wanted to see your children more than every other weekend?

I think your child is too young for 50:50. Personally I would let it go to court.

And what if he argues that he then wants full custody? She can have the weekends?

I personally think that your ex having him on a Tues night and then a bit more Wednesday afternoon and then dropping him to you and then having him again Friday night and dropping him back is too much ferrying back and fourth for him. Whatever you decide to, I think it would be less unsettling for your child if your ex had him for a block of time and you for another block of time.
I also don’t think a 50/50 split is unreasonable at all unless there is a back story you aren’t telling us.

What do you think is best for your child?

I knew someone once who split from her ex and told him he couldn’t have the children more than 3 nights a week (presume cause she wanted the maintenance) but each week, she would decide which three nights they would be to suit her social calendar. The children were 3 and 6 and didn’t know where they were going to be from one day to another. I felt so sorry for them.

Likewise; I know a couple who split who have rigidly stuck to half the week each - one drops the boy off at school on a Wednesday morning and the other picks him up and handover is done on the weekend. He is 7 and has been doing this for 4 years and is a very happy and settled boy.

I think the constant to-ing and fro-ing is the disruptive part IMO

I think the current proposed split sounds quite unsettling - ex having him then nursery then having him a bit then dropping home for a day then having him again - it’s very bitty!

I really don’t think 50/50 is best for children either, but it does seem to be increasingly the way courts want to go, I do think you’d have a good argument as your child is so young though for starting smaller and working your way up to that.

If you really can’t agree between you, the next step isn’t court but to try mediation - maybe suggest that?

9 months is still really young and the fact that baby is pretty clingy to you atm I think suggests that 50/50 won't be in his interests. People are saying he is the parent too but it is different if you've grown this human inside your body then been full time carer on maternity leave for 9 months - the baby needs majority time with you for now and time to get used to new arrangements. Even just you going back to work and baby going to nursery is a change in itself.

I'd itemise your points in a list and suggest mediation before court. Is he proposing he'd pay for half the nursery fees to facilitate the 50/50 split or does he want more weekend time? Could this be about maintenance/money?

I split from ex when DS was 9 months and ex didn't have him overnight till nearly 2 yo (both of our choice) and I think it was the right thing for DS. By 8 or 9 ish I think, DS had moved to nearly 50/50 (5 overnights out of 14 plus an evening/dinner).

I agree, I think if it is a rigid half the week each a child can settle very easily, the fragmented stuff is not good at all. For the child what is best is two parents who love them and a strong routine.

i understand people are answering as the op is female and wants more than 50 50 , and they would want that, as would I. But the fact is he is the father and does have equal rights, and it would be wrong to tell the op a court won’t take that line, they will. It will be very very hard for her to argue it is not in the child’s interests to habe equal time with the father in a strong routine.

I would have loved it if my ex wanted 50/50 however I understand not wanting that at 9m but no reason not to once child is a bit older.

Interesting. What would you consider best for children? Every other weekend? Would you still feel the same if the EOW was with mum and dad was the main carer?

Op can I ask gently, is there any financial drive here for either of you? Obviously he doesn’t pay child maintenance if it’s 50 50. Is he trying to avoid that, or do you need the money?

Courts don’t see it like that and 50:50 is a rough starting point. Thankfully we don’t live in the 1950’s where dads had less rights.

I think if 50/50 is what the dad wants, there’s no reason to delay it. I presume you wouldn’t want to only see your child once or twice a week. Neither does he.

Because she's his mother. It's nonsense to suggest that a baby's primary need isn't for its mother in the vast majority of cases. I would bet my house he either wants to avoid paying maintenance or is doing it out of spite, and that if he does get 50/50 it won't be him doing the actual care.

This. It’s the double standards.

He doesn't want to pay child support! Its not in a babies best interest to be away from their mother 50% of the time at such a young age! Tell him to go ahead and take you to court, he won't get what he wants!

And that’s the thing, the op is calling him stubborn for not agreeing, but she’s doing the exact same.

of he says sod it, I want primary custody, you habe weekends, what’s she going to do. I doubt she will like it any more than he does.

as hard as it is, a fixed 50 50 is likely best for the child.

I suspect he will. No matter how much you over use exclamation marks,

Given that you sound ok with 50-50 when he's a bit older and he's going to be doing some nights anyway, there's an argument that it better to start 50-50 early enough that he doesn't remember anything different, rather than a later transition.

The 'wait until he knows you are coming back' argument I don't think is persuasive. If he doesn't understand object permanence/that you'll be back, then he doesn't understand whether your absence is for dinner with his dad, the day at nursery or you popping to the loo whilst he's in his cot.

Equally, being away from your baby that much will be painful and I can see why it goes against your insists for it. On the other hand, that's probably exactly how he'd feel, and if you'd struggle to cope with the amount of contact he has then it's going to be a struggle for him also.

The must important thing is what's best for your little one. How involved is dad with baby? Has he had much solo care? With my bottle fed child, if we'd spoilt 50-50 at 9m would have been painful but fair because neither of us were the default parent. Child 2 would have been different as breastfed and so I took on all night care.

This.

I doubt that very much. If it goes to court, the judge will look very favourably on a dad wanting to pull his weight and have properly shared care.

@Lampslights he absolutely won't get 50/50 of such a young baby!

Sigh, of course he will. Courts favour it now.

Her ex is baby’s father not a random fella off the street