AIBU to not agree to 50/50 custody?

He’s his dad. He has as much right to spend time with him as you do. That’s the end of the conversation really.

Oh you think the father is the main care giver of a 9 month old?

I wonder how much time he has spent looking after the baby on his own so far.

I wouldn’t bet on that

No one is saying that. She’s just off mat leave so clearly her, but that doesn’t mean he can’t share custody now.

1000% agree

It does matter to the court. They take into account things like how involved the father has been so far.

Posters like the op, and others on this thread, always say that 50/50 is not right but they only mean when the mum would be the majority carer.

I have no idea who has previously cared for the baby but that’s neither here or there. The fact they’ve split up now means they’ll both have to care for their child. The child doesn’t belong to the mother so they’ll have to come to an agreement or the court will decide and being ‘mam’ won’t win hands down.

I think 50/50 is correct if its workable. Its good that he wants to be so heavily involved

Do you have an age in mind where 50/50 is more acceptable ? Eg 12 months, 18 months … If he started the legal process now, I don’t know how old ds would be by the time that you got a Child Arrangement Order. It might be handy to get one anyway so that you can go on future holidays without the hassle of getting his permission and having to risk him saying no.

When you arrange 50/50, make sure that you arrange his time as whole days. For example if he has Tuesday and Wednesday overnight then he pays nursery for those days. Nursery calls him if ds is ill on those days and he takes time off to stay at home or collect him early from nursery. He can’t say Tuesday and Wednesday are his days and only be responsible from nursery pick up to drop off the next day. He can do that for child maintenance purposes but 50/50 means shouldering 50% of the cost and nursery is a big one.

And they’ll also take in to account how capable he is as a parent. He might not get 50:50 initially but he will at some point so what’s the point in dragging it out. The baby won’t know any different of it starts sooner.

He is extremely unlikely to get 50/50, there is a general consensus on mumsnet that this is norm now but it really isn't, I'm saying this as someone who has recently been through the court system and works in a related area. Most couples who do 50/50 do so because they are at least reasonably amicable and agree to it without going through the courts. My barrister told me there was no chance my ex would get anywhere near 50/50 of our child (I was terrified mainly because of what I'd read on Mumsnet!) He didn't. Nowhere near.

A Child Arrangement Order costs £230 plus a mediation session. You don’t need a solicitor.

For the first 9 months when she was on mat? Yes they will talk about evenings and weekends, but not much to see past that.

honestly unless he’s abusive or something, then as a starting point the court will go for 50 50, they don’t perceive she has more rights than him. It is equal parenting as the starting point. And as long as he’s able then for a young child that’s a positive.

I agree with you. I've worked with children and families for many years and I can think of very few situations where 50/50 was genuinely in the child's best interests. IME it tends to be more about adults perceptions of what's 'fair' to them rather than what the child needs.

Please evidence this.

@clearskies24 at last someone talking sense! 9 months is far to young to go 50/50!

I also can’t ever see how 50/50 is in a child’s best interest, at any age really, I’d hate to do it as an adult. Though obviously the younger the child the more unsettled they’re likely to be- I’m not necessarily sure it suddenly gets better aged 2 or 3 though. I think you’re right to push back on it OP.

Unless he took extra paternity leave or it was shared leave then it's correct to go on the basis you had 9 months maternity that you are the main carer for your shared 9 month old baby, that's just the reality.

I think I read somewhere that children can cope with being away from their main carer a day for a year so at 9 months I do not think 50/50 is in his best interests.

2 nights maximum at 9 months old with dad And even then I feel like that's pushing it tbh.

The split he has proposed is too fractured either way, even for an older child it's too much and only suits dad, no though to the child.

I would talk to a solicitor and see what they advise.

I don't envy you.

I know of several couples thy have been to court and 50:50 was always the starting point. It might have ended up 60:40 but that’s was due to logistics/working patterns.

Unless there is abuse etc then there it’s very much a starting point.

Are you breastfeeding, OP? If so, that's the only thing that could work in your favour.

However, you say your son only settles for you at night, but the original plan was for your ex to do 2 nights a week, so your son will have to learn to settle for him, anyway.

Also, do you and your ex each work a day at the weekend? If not, you don't both work full time, you both work part-time, since you each have a day off during the week. Not necessarily relevant, but it shows you've each changed your working patterns to spend time with your son, which suggests that, now your maternity leave has finished, you spend equal amounts of time with your son, and so it makes sense to have equal custody.

OP it might be worth revisiting where you both live. If it's possible to bring things back to a civilised conversation at this point, it may be worth trying to be as close geographically to each other as you can, whether that means you getting a smaller place near him, or both of you moving. That way 50/50 when it happens will be easier on your son (and on you all) and he can have more of a say in where he sleeps as he gets older. And your offer to pop in and visit when he wants might hold more water with him.

Suggest you have Saturday Sunday and Monday and let him take care of paying for 4 days of childcare. He will soon change his tune.

The baby is too young . He could be breastfeeding. Let the courts decide

This.

I also dont think it's as common as some posters on here would have you believe.