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10 telltale signs you have a toddler

We never liked being clean, calm and collected anyway… Mumsnetters share the defining traits of toddler parenting.

By Mumsnet HQ | Last updated Apr 14, 2023

Toddler on slide

1. Glamour's out, practicality's in

Handbag and Backpack

“I own backpacks, not handbags.”

2. You speak to other adults as if they're three


“The other day I told my husband to 'sit down on your chair on your bottom'.”

3. Delirium sometimes sets in

“I found myself sitting on the toilet, undressing Bogdan the Meerkat, saying: 'Bring me Oleg, I'll undress him next!'.”

4. Oh, crumbs

Crumbs Everywhere

“Every bag I own has a layer of raisins and finely ground breadsticks in the bottom of it.”

5. Your democratic principles become more flexible

“I used to think that bribery was the preserve of corrupt tinpot dictators; now it's an acceptable way to buy three minutes in the shower by myself.”

6. For fu…dge's sake


“I use creative non-swearing instead of real swearing.”

7. The 'gross threshold' has shifted

Blowing Childs Nose

“I find it acceptable to wipe bodily fluids off another person with my bare hands.”

8. No question is too niche

“I've googled what noise giraffes make.”

9. You're on high alert. All. The. Time.

“I assume the screaming child I can hear is mine, even when he's not with me.”

10. But snatched moments of peace are gold

Car Peace and Quiet

“I happily drive an extra half an hour just for the peace that the car brings.”

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