Very good article by Jessica Eaton about language used to describe sex

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victimfocus.wordpress.com/2018/05/18/beat-the-pussy-up-the-way-we-talk-about-sex-with-women/

Extremely graphic in places. Really, really grim. What has happened to the world?

That article is chilling. So important though.

It's horrifying, isn't it?

I'd say to anyone with sons that the Parents and Carers of children and young people section is excellent. I found that co-viewing and commentary and critique was a really helpful way of educating my two - much better than sitting down to "serious talks" or trying to do too much censoring.

Jessica Eaton is a fabulous woman. She writes with such clarity.

I absolutely love Jessica Eaton. She writes with such clarity and she’s out there doing porn workshops, working with survivors, talking about men’s mental health. The whole lot. This was unremittingly from to read but so many excellent points. I’m glad I’m here, on this forum, talking and learning from amazing women. I’ve got a 15 month old son and I am determined he will not be brought up to disrespect or hurt anyone, this forum is giving me the tools to help me do that.

I agree with her stance. It makes sense to parent our children and 'vaccinate' them with common sense and empathy before they encounter this kind of hate speech.
We wouldn't tolerate it if it were racism or homophobia.

What happened to the world was the acceptance of mainstream porn, but I don't see any of the people who fought for this holding up their hand and admitting they got it wrong. Maybe they got the kind of society and men they think they deserve.

I read that last night but was too depressed to comment before I went to bed.

I have two young sons and despite our best efforts the internet is quite pervasive.

the section on what parents can do was really helpful. my instinct would be to have a little internal rage at the kind of language she talks about but ignore it as much as possible. she's right though, I need to talk about it.

I was wondering yesterday, whether the rise in violent porn (and the ease with which to access it) might be the - pardon the phrase - smoking gun in school shootings. We know that it's teenage men doing this, and that predominantly it's men that kill in general, but the only big "change" I can think of in the us that tallies with the rise is the availablility of the internet.

That is, I was wondering yesterday after reading JEs brilliant blog post, and hearing of yet another shooting in the US

my instinct would be to have a little internal rage at the kind of language she talks about but ignore it as much as possible

I think it's everyone's instinct - shield them wherever possible. But of course, the shielding is a pipe dream. You can never control every input that goes in to them. But what you can do is add your own.

DH and I found ourselves naturally migrating to Eaton's suggestions because when we talked to each other about sexist scenes in TV shows or discussed news items, or or or, without censoring ourselves because the kids were present - when we did that, we found they had questions to ask or contributions of their own to make and actively wanted to be included in the conversations DH and I were having between ourselves. So, by the time they hit puberty, they did at least have some developed critical faculties to set against the onslaught of hormones!

Great article.

It’s horrifying. In particular, the point she makes about girls being taught they should enjoy it. It makes me shudder to imagine being a teenage girl and believing that sex will involve painful and degrading abuse.

It's shocking to read but essential, especially for parents of sons. It's young boys whose sexual expression is being taken over and this is abhorrent. Obviously both young men and women will suffer. It's no way to start your sexual journey in life.

Great article, but also very depressing. Jessica is a fantastic writer.

Thank you for posting this...excellent article despite the shockingly depressing subject, and the thoughts for parents were particularly helpful.

This article should be essential reading for all parents and the topic should also be tackled as part of sex education at school...the link to critical thinking is key.

I’m glad to read the parents and carer’s section TBH and the advice re those responsible for education. I agree with Eaton but I have felt like I am fighting against a constant tide of ‘keep our babies innocent’ and approach exposure to it as a failure of parental gatekeeping from many corners. It frustrates me that those doing internet safety stuff still seem to think that it is even possible for children to reach adulthood without having contact with this stuff. I realised it was everywhere in songs, jokes, friendships, from adults in their lives, on clothes, in books, on tv etc etc when I was a child and I have always parented my DC understanding the only way I could have any impact as a parent was by teaching them to be critical thinkers, about sexism, about advertising etc not by hiding it from them.

When they were three they already understood that toys looked better on adverts because advertising is a lie designed to make you buy the toy. We compared the real toy with what the advert said it was when we went to toy shops.

Ah anyway I am relieved anyway to read someone I respect as a professional who has come to the same conclusions, particularly recognising that advertising is also a part of this whole thing.

So sad that for both young men and women, music is often one of their first hints at sex and deeply influential, if it's not that, it's going to be the modern equivalent of sexy books, or magazines - namely internet porn.

Boys are being given the impression they need to be very physical during sex (which can so easily manifest itself as violent), and girls are being given the impression they need to accept it if they want to be good in bed.
Boys are being told that women enjoy this, and girls are being told that it's only going to be 'really good' sex if it's extreme in some way.

It's a tragedy that 'making love' is completely overlooked and the heightened pleasure of extreme intimacy is lost.

But the biggest tragedy of all is that for the large part, young women are being hurt. In some cases, young men too, but predominantly it's young women on the receiving end.

It's so insidious that it makes perfectly normal folks sound like prudes because they don't want to engage in some forms of sex. I've never wanted to put my hands around someone's throat, never wanted to inflict pain on someone and never wanted to humiliate someone. Seems these days, that's prudish, but I'll stick with it.

Well, when you have a man who says, "you can do anything, grab them by the pussy" who then goes on to become the President of the United States, it says everything doesn't it.

Great article. I asked Spotify to play random stuff the other day and got an awful song about doing something “three ways” to a woman. Moved on, next song had awful language about oral sex. Next one, a relief really with just lots of fuck this and fuck that. Absolutely awful stuff.

...I thought explicit lyrics just meant swearing but it wasn’t it was crude and violent “sex” stuff.

This language now appears in the news. As well as hiding the sex of the suspected murderer, the correct term is 'severe head injuries'.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-birmingham-46523916

As well as hiding the sex of the suspected murderer

It doesn't, though - whilst his name cannot be given, he is referred to as he throughout.

Sorry, I meant in the headline.

As well as hiding the sex of the suspected murderer,

But the report begins "A 16-year-old boy".

And the 'smashed' doesn't refer to the rape but the murder. It is a rather graphic description but it's not at all the same thing that Jessica Eaton was talking about.

I recently read the entire Jessica Eaton blog from newest post to oldest post. It is excellent. She is a brilliant woman doing such important work.

Oh yes, the headline definitely.

Just to be clear, the 'smashed in' is probably a good thing to describe this poor girl's injuries. Although extremely graphic it at least helps to illustrate the shockingly violent nature of this heinous murder.

The sexual version of 'smashed' is not the same. It means to 'fuck' with more than a hint of aggressive tone to it.
This was a phrase used by a top TV sports presenter (Richard Keys) when discussing the former girlfriend of Jamie Redknapp when he asked 'did you smash it?'.

We aren't talking about an immature teenager here, we're talking about a fully grown man. Although it would be fair to argue it was an immature fully grown man (he'd previously made sarcastic comments about a female assistant referee too).

Thanks for the article. I haven't read anything by her before and I really like her. She's staring the awfulness full in the face without flinching and is actually doing something about it.

I didn't know Jenna Jameson is now an anti-porn advocate. I was quite familiar with her name as a famous porn star, even though I don't watch porn. It's almost like the mic and the attention got snatched away as soon as she started saying stuff men didn't want to hear.