New baby and can't bear my step kids around help!

[Mrscatbells]

Just what the title says , new mum , new baby and trying to work it all out. I have found I've lost all patience with step kids aged 6 and 9 completely and just want to lock myself away with my baby and husband. I Dont say anything negative to them I am always nice and accommodating but inside I want to just yell that I want to be left alone. Their DM has just rang wanting more contact time over the holidays I could have a breakdown over it !!

I hate that I feel like this , but I just need to offload is this normal??? Will this feeling ever go away?

[Rtmhwales]

How old is your baby? Sleeping through the night yet?

[MinnieMous3]

Well you can’t help feeling the way you do, but you would be unreasonable to, for example, reduce their visits. Remember they’re your baby’s siblings and the closer the bond they have, the more they will look out for each other as they grow up. Might be more helpful to see them that way rather than ‘the step kids’

[Viviennemary]

Just say it's not possible at the moment. She can't use you as a child minder. Maybe plan a treat with them in a few weeks when lockdown has eased.

[funinthesun19]

I get you op. You’re not a bad person at all. You won’t be the first and you won’t be last to feel like this.

Are you being made to look after the stepkids e.g. extra time during the holidays?

[Woodlandbelle]

Why is she looking for more contact when she knows you are adjusting to your new baby? Would that mean you having them while dh is at work. Sorry no. Keep to the normal routine.

[diwrnachoflleyn]

That's for her and your h to sort out but he needs to actually parent his kids whilst they're there.

[AnnaBegins]

Hormones are so strong in the early days, that mama bear instinct to protect baby from everything. Give it time, give yourself a break, you sound like you are ensuring you don't show your DSC any negativity. As they start to bond with their baby sibling I'm sure their interactions will be a positive and will help you feel more comfortable. Don't be afraid to give you and baby some space eg for skin to skin or a nap (which I'd recommend even if the older kids were your birth children, it's OK to not be together 24/7). Maybe their dad can take them out for a walk or a treat to give you short breaks to regroup?

[ConiferGate]

Honestly, I’d actually just say that you’re struggling emotionally with tiredness and new baby, and that whilst you’re looking forward to having step kids at the times you’ve already agreed, you’re just not able to cope with anymore right now. Hopefully this will change as things settle, you’re sure she remembers what it’s like yadda yadda

[Mrscatbells]

The ex has been nothing more than horrid to be honest tarnished my experience completely. And yes would be me looking after the kids while husband is at work. My baby isn't sleeping through yet only 3 weeks old. The ex has told us we have to , as older kids are being "unfairly disadvantaged" by our new baby. Im so close to packing my bags and staying with my mum to just get away. But this would break my husbands heart

[funinthesun19]

The ex has told us we have to , as older kids are being "unfairly disadvantaged" by our new baby.
FFS No they’re not.
She obviously knows it will be you looking after the stepkids, so she’s trying to make things hard for you and trying some power trip over you while you’re vulnerable with a new baby.

If your husband is working then it’s tough. She can look after her kids instead.

[mybonnieliesovertheocean2]

This sounds like a bigger isses, dynamics with the ex and it seems you seem to be looking after step kids during your DH contact time. I would refuse to have two DC for extra time over the holiday unless there father is going to step up and take care of them. Contact is with him. If your feeling overwhelmed go to your mums...there is nothing wrong with taking time out

[Misty9]

I remember my almost 3 year old seeming enormous when his sister was born - and feeling an almost primal instinct to protect dd from this giant - and they're both mine! So, yanbu to feel protective, and def yanbu to not want to look after your step kids with a newborn! Your partner should be taking leave if necessary. Congrats on your baby

[diwrnachoflleyn]

@Mrscatbells

The ex has been nothing more than horrid to be honest tarnished my experience completely. And yes would be me looking after the kids while husband is at work. My baby isn't sleeping through yet only 3 weeks old. The ex has told us we have to , as older kids are being "unfairly disadvantaged" by our new baby. Im so close to packing my bags and staying with my mum to just get away. But this would break my husbands heart

The ex isn't the only one being horrid. Your h leaves you to parent his kids during contact. Break his heart? So what? He doesn't give a toss about yours. Pack up and go to your mum's. Stop parenting his kids, that's his bloody job. I'd leave him to it, he needs to step up and be a father.

[ihavenowords30]

Sorry at that age no dad around no kids simply as, it's ridiculous to expect you to look after them with a new baby unless it's something you are happy / willing to do .

If your husband feels this way he can book annual leave to be there to entertain his children

[Mrscatbells]

My husband is just returning to work from paternity, he's let the ex know that contact time while he's at work isn't right. After 30 odd texts 10 plus missed calls she gets the message. It's still the EOW it's very very hard at the min.

[Shrivelled]

I wouldn’t want to look after my own kids in the holidays if I had a 3 week old baby. I would be paying for holiday club or my DH would look after them. You need the time to rest and adjust after having a baby.

[Shrivelled]

The ex is looking to use you as a free school holiday club which at 3 weeks postpartum is insane.

[aSofaNearYou]

@Mrscatbells

My husband is just returning to work from paternity, he's let the ex know that contact time while he's at work isn't right. After 30 odd texts 10 plus missed calls she gets the message. It's still the EOW it's very very hard at the min.

It's good that your partner has put her straight. Try not to worry about the EOW. You are tired and drained, just focus on yourself and baby and let it wash over you for a while, it doesn't need to stress you out if their dad is there to look after them.The tiredness will lessen.

[Eekay]

I experienced this back in a previous life. God, I was an idiot when I was young!
Despite exW telling everyone I was the devil incarnate, I was still ok to be her unpaid nanny.
I remember being on my knees with new baby (and my own DC) and still doing everything for SC three days out of 7 - while his mother sat at home and H worked 12 hour days, then spent 2 hrs in the pub - because I couldn't bear for SC to feel unwanted.
It wasn't his fault.
I would never put up with that now. It was my H and his exW's job to parent SC.
I should have just been a friendly and inclusive adult in his life. Not his surrogate mother when it suited everyone else.
Phew, sorry, think I might still hold a grudge?!
Essentially: don't be me.
Tell your DH he needs to take leave if the SC are to be at yours. Or only agree a more doable arrangement if he can't.
You've just given birth! Unfortunately, his ex probably has less than snowy white motives for trying to push the children onto you when you've just had a baby with her exDH. Unlikely the timing is a coincidence.
Make it crystal clear now what you are and are not prepared to accept. Don't be guilt tripped by your DH. This actually is one of those relationship hills to die on.

[Woodlandbelle]

Can you block her on your phone. She needs to contact dh not you.

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Aww new baby non sleeping rage. Firstly honestly hormones and it's very normal. Also no sleep is actually torture.
The reason you hate the contact probably isn't the kids, it's the extra noise and work where your already on your knees with tiredness. It gets better once baby sleeps more and hormones calm down.
Also my pet hate was anyone touching me or baby when I was breastfeeding, including Dp, and dsc did it a lot. Made me have the rage and cry.
Dp needs to hold the line on this one. Block her and tell him it's a no then ignore it completely as it's for him to sort. Don't even think about it anymore and focus on baby.

[EnoughnowIthink]

The ex is looking to use you as a free school holiday club which at 3 weeks postpartum is insane

Or she is expecting her ex to do more than every other weekend over the holidays? That’s really not unreasonable.

OP - it’s not your job to parent his kids. Go to your mum’s and make it clear from the outset what you will/won’t do.

[2bazookas]

Tell DH and ex "Sorry, I'm at full stretch with the new baby and can't cope with any more child care right now"

[Takwxiab2]

Two separate issues here. Absolutely right to not expect you to be taking on childcare when 3 weeks post partum

But

If the children's mum has had them the last few months homeschooling etc and their father only has them EOW. Yes he should be stepping up for more contact time and taking annual leave to have his children during holidays. Not acceptable for the mum to do everything.

Has your husband only ever has the children EOW and not extra during the holidays?

[FelicityPike]

I was all ready for saying YABU from your title BUT you’re totally not!
No way.