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advice needed re what to do next about dp's exw

(159 Posts)
mymiraclebubba Wed 26-Feb-14 23:24:11

So I posted recently about dp's exw and her frankly neglectful behaviour towards dsc's...

Well having had a long chat with dp we decided that as exw has not been back to docs with either dsc they won't have discussed the headlice issue and as she is still digging her heals in and refusing to treat we decoded that talking to my new hv for advice would be best as both the headlice and the fungal infection poses a massive risk to our dd (6mo) and should she contract either she cannot receive medical treatment for them.

So hv came today and I had a very long and very productive chat with her. The outcome of which boils down to the following
1) she classed exw behaviour as neglect
2) if I report my concerns to her officially rather than advice seeking today then she has to report to SS as a neglect case and has to inform them where the information came from ie name and shame dp and I
3) we can discuss further with dsc's school nurse for further advice buy again point 2 applies of we report concerns
4) we can report her ourselves directly to SS anonymously and they will have to investigate but we would be kept completely out of it

So I am now completely at a loss as to what to do as is dp.

Do we report her ourselves?
Do we report concerns to school nurse/hv and let them report to SS?
Do we try again to talk to exw and use the option of reporting to SS to make her take this seriously?

All 3 have downsides. I don't want to look like we are threatening her but the kids are suffering and both dp and I are concerned for their health and so far the "nicely nicely" approach has got us nowhere

If it was you guys what would you do?

LyndaCartersBigPants Wed 26-Feb-14 23:40:51

I imagine that if the same people who have commented on your previous posts read this, the answer will be much the same...leave the poor woman alone.

Treat the headlice yourselves when the DCs are with you. Treat the fungal infection too. Give them the cream to take back if you like. But do not report someone to SS for nits!!!

mymiraclebubba Wed 26-Feb-14 23:48:42

So of your kids had blood under their fingernails from scratching and nothing was being done about it you would just ignore it??

We do treat them every time they are here but because she doesn't do it when they are with her the eggs hatch and the cycle starts again. She refuses to treat them and has threatened to remove contact if we ask her to treat them

The fungal infection needs to be treated twice a week on the same days - we don't have enough contact to do this or I would do

I am not being a bitch but the children are suffering, my dd has bites all the way down her neck from the nits and ds cries from the pain on his feet

She is neglecting them and it's disgusting! Social Services is our absolute last resort but when she refuses to do anything what choice do we have!

MsColour Thu 27-Feb-14 00:15:54

Do you have family/friends around who share the concerns?

Re the nits - whilst they are with you, treat with Head lice treatment and/or wet comb. Then go through every section of the hair and pull out with your finger nails every egg you can find.

brdgrl Thu 27-Feb-14 00:16:37

Your dd has bites from the nits?

Forget the "we ask her to treat them". She may be responding to that, frankly.

It seems like you are doing too much of the parenting because your DP isn't doing his share. I remember another thread where you complained that he did not stand up to her no matter how much it affected you, and there was also a situation about a schoolbag that you and the ex were arguing over who would pick up, because your DP had had a drink and couldn't drive - in that situation, it should have been his problem to resolve, not yours. Maybe he could have got in a taxi, maybe he could have had the interaction with the ex - point is, these aren't your battles. Likewise, you should not be waking your child at night to facilitate your boyfriend's child transfer arrangements.

If the "neglect" is as bad as you say, then your DH should take them back to the GP, who will be obliged to file a complaint if warranted. But unless you'd report a neighbour for her kids having nits and fungal infections, you should not be doing it to your partner's children's mum either.

My DSS had a bad, hard to shake, case of nits when he was a bit older than your DP's kids. I have to say that DD was not affected, and neither was anyone else in the house. Nits are not like fleas - they don't leap from person to person. So you ought to be able to minimise any effect on your DD by keeping them separate and washing bedding etc (excuse me - that should say, getting the girl's father to wash the bedding!) - and making sure there is no head-to-head contact between the children. Your DP may not like you saying that his daughter can't hold the baby - but frankly, that's his problem to resolve with his ex.

mymiraclebubba Thu 27-Feb-14 00:23:21

Sorry should have said his dd and ds

Where this one is concerned he is pulling his weight in terms of helping me comb through and both his kids are riddled!

Like I say we are treating them when they are with us (me when he is at work) and he is doing all the arguing with exw over it as I have refused point blank to speaking her for 2 reasons, 1 being as. You rightly say it's his problem bit more and the other being I can't trust myself not to lose my temper and give her a few choice pieces of my mind.

And yes if I thought my neighbours kids were being neglected and having sought medical advice was told to report to social services I probably would after a degree of soul searching and seeking advice/opinions from friends etc

Anonymai Thu 27-Feb-14 00:28:04

I haven't read any previous threads but if the HV says it's neglect and worthy of reporting to SS, then I think you should report it. I had nits as a teen a few times, treated by my mum ASAP, and even that was enough, never mind scratching myself raw with it.

mymiraclebubba Thu 27-Feb-14 00:31:42

anonymai this is exactly my dilemma - in principal of completely agree that reporting nits to SS is way over the top, but having discussed it with my hv today in great depth and her stating it counts as neglect and that she recommends reporting I don't know what to do

I don't want to debate whether people think I am being a bitch or dp doesn't parent his kids etc, I want to know ofother ppeople had their hv tell them they should be reporting their share/dp's exw to SS would they do it

mymiraclebubba Thu 27-Feb-14 00:33:26

brd If you read my post properly you will see that even if we did that the GP is obliged by law to disclose who the complaint came from and I am not sure I want to have to out my family through that ordeal.

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 27-Feb-14 00:34:46

Report your concerns to HV about your own DC. Let her pass it on to SS if she sees fit.

This way, you are seeking best advice for your DCs, from a statutory body, that may result in better parenting for your DSCs. Give it to an impartial, child safeguarding body to deal with.

brdgrl Thu 27-Feb-14 00:36:13

Yes, but " hv came today and I had a very long and very productive chat with her."
Don't. Your DP should have done this. If he really thinks his kids are suffering, he should take them to the doctor - himself - and have the conversations with the professionals - himself - This isn't your dilemma to take on, in a sense - it is his. If he won't act to protect his children from neglect, then you should reconsider the relationship - but all the language of your post shows that YOU are the one making the call here, and I think it's a mistake. In other words - no, don't report her. Leave it to the children's dad to do so if he wants, but tell him you are staying out of it and focus on your own DD.

If your DP doesn't deal with it and you feel the kids are still being neglected, then sure - report it - but only after you have left your DP, frankly.

mymiraclebubba Thu 27-Feb-14 00:36:42

dione she would have to tell them who the concerns came from though. And that isothermal dilemma so I let her do it or do we do it anonymously and protect ourselves from any backlash although she would probably guess who it came from

brdgrl Thu 27-Feb-14 00:37:23

It's NOT your dilemma. It is your boyfriend's.

Anonymai Thu 27-Feb-14 00:37:39

It's a difficult position to be in. Not providing appropriate treatment (so not dealing with the nits) does come under neglect though so she is neglecting her children by not helping them get better. If she isn't taking it seriously on your dp and your involvement, it might be necessary for this next step.

BrianTheMole Thu 27-Feb-14 00:39:24

Have you got a previous thread op? Can you link it? Because theres not enough info in this thread.

brdgrl Thu 27-Feb-14 00:42:08

I did read your post properly. I think you haven't read mine properly - I am not suggesting you make a complaint to your GP, I am suggesting that if it is such a severe and obvious case of neglect, the GP will see that when examining the children and taking a history. If the GP sees signs of neglect him/herself, there is no need for you or your DP to make a complaint, the GP will be obliged to report it.

And I'd also suggest that if this is truly about child neglect, the children's FATHER should be less concerned about filing a complaint. shock If I thought my own children were being abused or seriously neglected, I wouldn't hesitate based on not wanting anyone to know where the complaint came from.

mymiraclebubba Thu 27-Feb-14 00:42:46

brd i discussed it as the appointment with hv was for me and dd - DP and I are a partnership, i really don't get the 'you are a sm so not your issue' Yes quite frankly it is my issue, they stay in my housem they pose a risk to my dd as well as me and I will support or kick DP up the arse to deal with it which i have done and he is doing. HV reporting it means she has to say 'mymiracle and mymiracle dp have reported these concerns' if we do it then it is anonymous and no one officially knows where the report has come from

and it is my dilemma, they are my dsc's and i am helping dp raise them. you may not feel that your dsc's are your responsibility and that is entirely your choice and i have no intention or desire to judge. however i choose to do it differently

mymiraclebubba Thu 27-Feb-14 00:43:54

i don't know how to link it sorry

Viviennemary Thu 27-Feb-14 00:46:38

I wouldn't have thought that headlice was a doctors concern. Reported to SS service for nits is total madness. Just treat the nits yourself and stop fussing.

brdgrl Thu 27-Feb-14 00:47:59

They pose almost no risk whatsoever to your DD. That's hysterical.

Hey, you asked for advice. Of course you can choose to continue to do things as you are, and continue to use the "we" and "our" pronouns and to accidentally call your boyfriend's DD your own....but I think you will find that you get very poor results.

i really don't get the 'you are a sm so not your issue'
Don't put words in my mouth, by the way. Sure, it's your issue - it's just you're focusing on the wrong issue.

mymiraclebubba Thu 27-Feb-14 00:52:33

vivienne we are but as we only have EOW and one night a week there is a huge gap where nothing is being done by their dm and it isn't getting cleared up. And it was the HV who said i should report to SS as dm's refusal to help us treat them is classed as neglect.

mymiraclebubba Thu 27-Feb-14 00:54:43

i am focussing on the kids and wanting what is best for them - how is that the wrong issue??? if dm knows that DP and i have escalted this then she will stop contact - just for asking her to keep up the treatment ordered by her GP she threatened to stop contact so exactly how is that best for the kids - this is why we are unsure whether to persue through 'offical' channels or to do anonymously

Viviennemary Thu 27-Feb-14 00:56:57

If the HV was truly concerned then she would be reporting the neglect to SS herself. Why not just say that they can't come to your house till the nits are cleared up. Then your children won't be at risk.

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 27-Feb-14 00:58:11

You do not let her do anything. You give her information and allow her to apply it as per her training.

OP, your dilemma is this: are you doing this to safeguard your DCs or are you doing this to hurt your DP's Ex?

mymiraclebubba Thu 27-Feb-14 01:00:09

vivienne the discussion today was to ask for advice so at the moment she is holding off reporting it, if we make it official then she will have to report

Dione i couldn't give a toss about his ex, my concern is the welfare of the kids

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