What would you do?

(183 Posts)
ncneedadvice Tue 28-Sep-21 14:10:24

Name changed for this as a regular poster on other topics and don't want to be outing..

My husband and I have been together 4 years. We had such an amazing relationship to begin with, completely fell for each other, soul mates, best friends etc, and then after a couple months we rented a little place together so we could be with each other more. About 6 months in he cheated on me. I found out as I was having some irritation, so went to the doctors and turns out he had given me an STI from this girl. He apparently slept with this one girl once, and had only been speaking to her a few weeks. I asked to see his phone and he showed me all the messages etc, and I was absolutely disgusted but what he said did match up to their messages and the timescale etc. He begged for me to stay, apologised profusely, said it was just a one off thing etc. Anyway, I took him back as I loved him so much, we both got treatment and all was fine. It took me a while to trust him again, but he was very transparent with me, and really put the effort in to prove he was sorry. I also made him promise that if ever I felt paranoid or anything, I was allowed to ask for reassurance, look through his phone if I felt the need etc (this is important later on..) I am all for giving people second chances, so as much as it hurt me and hurt me for a long long time, we stayed together.

Things started to get better, our relationship became amazing again, and I after a while I trusted him again. About 2 years in he proposed and I said yes, we got engaged, bought our first house together and moved out of our rented place. Things couldn't be better, I was so happy and in love, and our relationship was in a really good place.

During lockdown we were both struggling a bit with a few things, stressing about money, both got put on furlough and then both got made redundant within a few weeks of each other etc. 2020 was a very tough year for us and we started to argue. Over bigger stuff like money to begin with, but then the more frequently it happened, the more it was over petty stuff too. I was feeling depressed and having a really bad time with my anxiety, and thats when he started to make comments on my appearance. I have never been overweight, but I have never been skinny skinny either (I average between a size 8-10), but he used to make comments like, am I gonna get on the bike (we had an exercise bike at home I used occasionally) or asking if I was going to try and lose weight for the wedding etc.. I told them they upset me and he seemed to be remorseful. We had a few frank discussions, got everything out in the open and things seemed to get better.

Anyway, our wedding was booked for summer 2021 (was postponed from 2020 due to pandemic), and for the 6 months leading up to the wedding everything was getting back to being perfect. No more hurtful comments from him, we rarely argued, our sex life was great etc. Back to being happy again.

We got married, and it was the most amazing day. The week after we got married we found out we were expecting and were so so over the moon!! I haven't had the easiest pregnancy so far, the tiredness is unreal, feel like I have been hit by a truck most days, so having to take naps and going to bed earlier. My sex drive has hit the floor so its very difficult for me to get turned on or attempt to want to initiate anything sexual with him, been suffering terrible morning sickness all the way through so far, my skin has been awful because of the hormones and obviously I have been gaining a little bit of weight and therefore have felt VERY self conscious about my body and unsexy etc recently... this has led to more arguments, stemming from him. He complains that I don't touch him, I am always tired and sleeping, he is bored etc. I am trying my hardest to pleasure him, even when I am not in the mood myself, trying my hardest to stay awake some nights. But I have tried to explain to him how hard I am finding pregnancy and asking if he can try and sympathise at all, or just try to understand how I am feeling.

(I am 22 weeks pregnancy wise for reference).

Anyway, fast forward to today... I woke up in a good mood, had a full nights sleep for the first time in ages (having problems sleeping recently due to baby moving / needing a wee / getting comfortable etc). He seemed a little moody, but hes not really a morning person so I didn't think much of it. We were both getting ready for work and he goes to the scales to weigh himself. He then says to me 'have you weighed yourself recently?', so I said, yes I am doing it about once a week at the moment, to keep an eye on how much I am gaining during pregnancy. He then said 'come here and get on them, I want to see how much you weigh'. So I said, no I don't want to this morning, you know how self conscious I have felt recently. He then proceeded to be horrible and essentially force me to get on the scales, so I do. He looks at the figure and pulls a face. (Baring in mind, I am over halfway through and have gained about 10 pounds, so not major and completely within the healthy weight gain bracket for pregnancy). He then got really funny about it 'youre only a few pounds lighter than me etc, you need to stop eating shit etc'... so I said, 'babe I am pregnant, this isnt just fat, this is baby etc too'. He then got horrible, saying 'your hips are getting so much bigger etc. I then went to get in the shower as I was still trying to get ready for work and then he comes in the bathroom, points at me while vulnerable and naked in the shower and goes 'i dont like any of this, you know i dont like big girls'. That hurt so bad, so I started to get upset. Ive been feeling so self conscious lately, and he just made me feel 10x worse. So we parted ways for a little while and continued to get ready. Because of how he made me feel, and how unattractive I know he is finding me, I asked for reassurance, like he promised me and I asked if he is messaging anyone else like before - this wasn't just out of the blue that I asked this, he has been acting distant from me for the past few weeks and on his phone more, so my asking him was justified. He then got SUPER defensive and refused to show me, saying I had offended him and that he hasn't got anything to hide etc, and that he promised me all that time ago that he would be completely faithful etc. So all I said to him was that him refusing to show me his phone screams guilty.. which is true. He then blew up completely, got right in my face with gritted teeth, calling me all sorts of names, so I smacked and shoved his arm - not in a retaliation way, but more of a please get away from me way. I am pregnant and felt scared with how nasty and abusive he was being being right up in my face like that. Because I shoved him back, he then proceeded to smack me across the face 3x times, and then spat flem in my face. I was absolutely shocked and scared. He has never laid a finger on me once, and as he and his mum were hit by his father as a child, it was something he said he never wanted to turn into his dad etc etc.

Now, I don't know what to do. I am so shocked with how he acted and the physical abuse he laid on his pregnant wife. Underneath I know we are soul mates and best friends and are meant to be together - we are both very stubborn but I know we are each others worlds underneath. I just dont know what to do after what happened this morning... I am in total shock. I am 22 weeks pregnant with his child, and we are married and I thought we had a good relationship - its had its ups and downs but so has everyone.

What would you do? I keep thinking, I need to leave, if hes hurt me physically once he will do it again. But I love him more than anything, and we have a baby on the way and we have only been married a few months. Sorry it is a long post, I probably rambled, but had to get all my thoughts out - my family and friends are very supportive people, but I don't want to talk to them about this as it is so out of character for him.

I don't know what to do. After some advice please sad

OP’s posts: |
anonymice Tue 28-Sep-21 14:15:35

Leave. He will do it again. People who love you don't hit you.

crj123 Tue 28-Sep-21 14:16:08

Get out now. Run don't walk.

Ting20161987 Tue 28-Sep-21 14:18:12

Leave, NOW!!!!

MarshmallowSwede Tue 28-Sep-21 14:19:53

I would pack his things, change the locks and take pics of any bruises for the police. I would drive to the police and report the home violence that took place.

I understand you’re pregnant and vulnerable so might not want to do this, but this man has attacked you while you’re at your most vulnerable! You’re pregnant with his child and he hit you. So he has shown you who he is.

MarshmallowSwede Tue 28-Sep-21 14:20:38

And what sort of piece of shit tells a pregnant woman he doesn’t like “big” women? You can lose a lot of weight by getting rid of this waste of space.

labazslovesliving Tue 28-Sep-21 14:21:41

leave. this is only the start if necessary go to a refuge or a friend/family. think of your baby please hugs good luck

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theworldsbiggestcrocodile Tue 28-Sep-21 14:21:54

You do know what to do. Get out of there, immediately. The comments about the pregnancy weight gain alone would be enough. But hitting his pregnant wife? Come on now... leave for your own safety and that of the baby.
Do you have anywhere you can go?

Mumoblue Tue 28-Sep-21 14:23:40

Call women’s aid, call your family, call whoever you can. Get away from him.
He has done it once, while you’re PREGNANT- he will do it again.

He is not your soulmate. He is a creep with no respect for the mother of his child. You are not “meant to be” with someone who hits you and spits on you.

Get out as fast as possible.

ChairLegs Tue 28-Sep-21 14:24:16

Jesus Christ, what have I just read? Please get away from this horrible, abusive man. Abuse often starts or ramps up in pregnancy. He was horrible to you before you were married and he's worse now.

He's not anything "underneath". There's not some special essence in people that is who they "really" are. We are what we do. What this man does is hit you, insult you, belittle you and cheat on you. He's probably nice in between times, as all abusive partners are. Noone is abusive all the time; if they were, they wouldn't have anyone left to abuse.

Please leave for your own sake and the sake of your unborn child before he seriously injures or kills one or both of you, on purpose or by 'accident'.

PlanDeRaccordement Tue 28-Sep-21 14:24:26

I’m so sorry OP, but I have to advise you to leave as soon as you can and stay away from him/divorce. Do you have a relative you can go and stay with? If not contact Women’s Aid.

His comments on your weight and general nastiness were abusive and controlling. Designed to chip away your self esteem and make you feel unattractive and worthless.

The whole incident with the scales and shower was him purposely humiliating you and then when you pushed back a little, he hit you three times and spat in your face. He isn’t your soul mate, he doesn’t love you. His actions speak of pure contempt.

None of this is your fault. Abusive men often put on a mask for years until they have a woman married and pregnant and then they show their true selves. You’ve done nothing to deserve this, but you need to get out for your own safety and that of your baby.

Freeloadingtosser Tue 28-Sep-21 14:25:10

Please leave and tell the police. He's been an arsehole to you throughout, cheating, insulting you, controlling your weight now this. You wanted to see the best in him but can't deny this level of abuse. I know you're pregnant and vulnerable but you are less vulnerable without him. Do you have anywhere you can go, parents?

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 28-Sep-21 14:25:30

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Your love for him has and continues to really cost you dearly here.
This relationship was really over the first time he cheated on you and
gave you a STD. There have been other red flags re him since then (his comments re your weight being just one) that you sadly did not recognise or perhaps minimised out of your apparent love for him. You took him back for your own reasons. Now you are married to him and he has moved onto hit you in pregnancy. Pregnancy and birth are two potential flashpoints where domestic abusers further up the power and control ante against their target. He himself grew up being hit by his dad and he is now a carbon copy of him. If someone had hit you in the street you would have that person arrested for assault; your H is no different here.

At the very least he now needs to leave the marital home. I would also consider seeking legal advice re divorce and I never write that lightly. It matters not that you've only been married a few months; he's already hit you.

Abuse like described thrives on secrecy and you need to start opening up to trusted other people about him. Would you be willing and able to tell your midwife here; you certainly could do with contacting an organisation like Womens Aid too.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 28-Sep-21 14:28:40

I would also have no compunction about involving the police now either because he has assaulted you, a pregnant woman.

KissedintheDark Tue 28-Sep-21 14:29:21

If he'll hit a vulnerable pregnant woman what do you think he will do to your baby?
You married a violent brute, op, one who takes after his father.

HeartsAndClubs Tue 28-Sep-21 14:30:04

Leave.

There are lines which can’t be un-crossed, this is one of them.

peardropsonarainyday Tue 28-Sep-21 14:31:52

I'm
Not trying to be nasty but get some confidence and self worth ! You are not his soul mate . Love of his life ect . If you were he wouldn't of cheated . Also I can garantee he's doing it again that's why he didn't give you his phone . I have been where you are op and things are going to get worse if you stay

arethereanyleftatall Tue 28-Sep-21 14:33:12

What would I do?

I'd leave. I'd never ever see him again. I wouldn't let me child see him. I'd file for divorce. I'd claim maintenance.

He is a horrible horrible man op. I'm afraid the writing was on the wall all along, but you missed it, blinded by lust, happens to us all. He is not your soul mate, you do not love each other deep down. He loves no one, and never will.

Shellfishblastard Tue 28-Sep-21 14:37:45

Hi OP,

I can understand your shock and reluctance to do anything.

But you know you can’t stay after this - yes ok you shouldn’t have shoved him but you felt threatened - so do not let him blame you for “starting it”

Phone your family and confide in them, ask them to come to the house while your H packs and leaves.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 28-Sep-21 14:38:07

Underneath I know we are soul mates and best friends and are meant to be together - we are both very stubborn but I know we are each others worlds underneath.

This is absolute bullshit, so please stop lying to yourself. Your husband is an abusive monster, and you should be calling the police. His abuse is only going to get worse, so get out now.

Mayhemmumma Tue 28-Sep-21 14:50:56

Pregnancy is known to be a time of heightened risk of violence and abuse.

Leave but be aware that ending a relationship also escalates risk to you and your baby. Tell everyone in your network, so they can help you keep safe.

I would report incident to police - even if they do nothing there is a record in case you need to dial 999

HaggisBurger Tue 28-Sep-21 14:58:15

Leave. Please. Now. This will not get better.

Underneath? THAT is what is underneath. A man who verbally and physically assaults the woman carrying his child. And who is 100% cheating. And who will blame you for starting it, for riling him up etc.

I’m so sorry op. You must be so shaken up and terrified.

Sez93 Tue 28-Sep-21 14:58:53

It may not be what you want to hear, but you need to leave him now. Being hit isn't an accident that won't happen again, he's shown he is capable of doing it and it won't be the only time if you stick with him.

Of course it's hard because you love him, but the sooner you get out the better - it isn't just the hitting it's the mental abuse as well. The comments are not nice to say even if you were gaining weight (and not pregnant) - never mind while you're literally carrying his child, and to hit you too is just completely unacceptable. xx

SweetBabyCheeses99 Tue 28-Sep-21 15:02:58

There’s the cheating, the abusive comments about your weight (which reminded me of exactly how Nicole Brown said that OJ Simpson treated her when she was pregnant) and now the physical abuse. How many more reasons do you need to leave?!?! Get out now. Today. 28th September 2021. The day you start afresh.

MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig Tue 28-Sep-21 15:05:13

You don’t love him. You love the idea of him. That isn’t him. He’s showing you now who he really is. Please find the strength to get as far away from this abusive pig as possible. He neither loves nor respects you. As someone said above, people that love you don’t hit you. flowers

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