TW! Partner touched me sexually against my wishes

[DietCokeChipsAndMayo]

Created this account because I love to read here and I definitely don’t want to talk to anyone in real life about this but I feel like I need some clarity

Basically earlier today my partner pinned me down in sort of a ‘play fighting’ kind of way which he does regularly and I never particularly enjoy because he’s so much bigger and stronger than me and IMO always just goes a little bit too far, but this time he’d been trying to initiate sex and I didn’t want to but he managed to get me into a position I couldn’t move from and put his fingers inside me and started attempting to masturbate me (I’m so sorry if this is TMI!) despite my protests
I kept telling him to get off and take his fingers out but he wouldn’t, I actually ended up clawing and pinching his face and refusing to let go until he’d moved his hand (I could only reach his face)
I honestly don’t know how I feel
He seems to think it was all funny and playful and fine, (I think he thinks as we’re a couple he can touch me whenever he wants) and is basically making me feel like I’m overreacting
He apologised but said he could see I was being moody so he’s sorry
Tbh I’ve been a bit tearful on and off for the rest of the afternoon which is very unlike me, but I’ve had to be normal around him because it’s like he’s already forgot it happened it was so insignificant to him
And we do have quite a touchy feely relationship, he regularly touches my bum and things all day long so I can almost see why he thinks this was in a similar vein, I just feel a bit … I don’t know, sick tbh!!

[DietCokeChipsAndMayo]

Sorry I’ve just realised I didn’t ask any questions for anyone to reply to, I suppose I just want opinions? I don’t know if I’m being a bit over sensitive as we are a couple he is kind of teccchhhhnically allowed to touch me?! I don’t know

[Sexnotgender]

That’s awful, I’m so sorry. I couldn’t continue a relationship with someone who thought it was appropriate to do that.

[Sexnotgender]

@DietCokeChipsAndMayo

Sorry I’ve just realised I didn’t ask any questions for anyone to reply to, I suppose I just want opinions? I don’t know if I’m being a bit over sensitive as we are a couple he is kind of teccchhhhnically allowed to touch me?! I don’t know

You’re not being over sensitive AT ALL. He assaulted you.

[CloseYourEyesAndSee]

Please break up with him. This is not ok.

[romdowa]

Your partner sexually assaulted you . Can you get to a safe place and get some support from someone?

[JSL52]

Not allowed to touch you if you don't want him to , no.
I'm sorry he's sexually assaulted you. Don't be normal with him, he doesn't deserve it.
Hope you're ok.

[PomBearWithoutHerOFRS]

He sexually assaulted you lovey.
You are not overreacting or "being moody" - he did that, against your will!
It was not your fault. He is a grade A twat.
You need time to process what happened, and decide what to do.It's a big thing, especially if you share motgage/tenancy, have children and so on.
Can you go stay with your Mam, or a friend to give you some space?
You need to think about reporting him too. This was assault.
Try not to get overwhelmed by it all, and have some time to think. We're here to listen, and lots of people here will be able to offer practical advice if you need it.

[SimplySteveRedux]

He apologised but said he could see I was being moody so he’s sorry

So he sexually assaults you then partakes in some victim blaming. Please get away from this monster. I hope you did a number on his face.

[FannyFifer]

I'm so sorry, this is just awful, he sexually assaulted you & this is not ok whatsoever.
You had to scratch his face to get him to stop.

Have you been together long, do you live together? Either way I would be leaving him & also getting him charged.

[DietCokeChipsAndMayo]

I don’t know what kind of responses I was expecting (in fact I think I was expecting exactly what I got) but now I’m crying again reading them 🙈
Can’t just up and leave we have children here and tbh I don’t feel unsafe
He has actually just been and apologised again and basically said it wasn’t his intention to upset me, I asked him what his intention was and he said he didn’t have much of an answer

[DietCokeChipsAndMayo]

Oh sorry more people responded while I was typing
We’ve been together for 14 years and have 4 children, house all that jazz - it wouldn’t be a a simple case of leaving or asking him to

[candycane222]

He is not allowed to do what he want to you just because you are in a relationship! Have you got this idea from him? Because it absolutely is not true. Not true at all. You absolutely have the right to say where you want to be touched or not. He is not entitled to help himself to your body "for a laugh" or for any other reason. It is your body. And he assaulted you. And he was perfectly well aware you didn't want him to do that. It wasn't a 'misunderstanding'; he does not care about your feelings at all.

[ButterflyBitch]

It’s assault, he’s a cunt. You need to leave. The fact that he thinks he has a right to touch your body even though you are saying no? Come on, rapey much? It will be really difficult but you know you need to. If my husband ever did that I would walk and we have two kids and have been together 15 years.

[MrsSquirrel]

Sorry this happened to you. Yes, it was sexual assault.

I understand it wouldn't be simple to leave, but can't you see that he crossed a line here?

[namechangedisgrace]

Yes this is sexual assault however most men do not see a problem with this. I get the impression they think once they're married or in a relationship with someone they can do as they please when they want

[cheeseismydownfall]

I'm so sorry OP, his behaviour was despicable. I think it was assault, and I say that as someone who personally thinks that people on this board are sometimes rather hasty in using that term within a historically consenting adult relationships.

[Closetbeanmuncher]

That made my skin crawl tbh.

I don’t know if I’m being a bit over sensitive as we are a couple he is kind of teccchhhhnically allowed to touch me?

You think someone sticking fingers in you when you don't want them to is okay because you live under the same roof??

[DietCokeChipsAndMayo]

No I absolutely do not agree with him thinking he can help himself to my body whenever he feels like it, I just mean he thinks this and I know if I say anything about breaking up or anything he will downplay it and make out like I’m being dramatic because he’s been there 1000s of times so what difference does it make kind of thing
I’m not saying I agree, he’s just usually very good at belittling my feelings and I already know what he’ll say

[DietCokeChipsAndMayo]

Sorry my posts are a bit ramble and hard to follow

[AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit]

Absolutely not okay x

[Iflyaway]

I think he thinks as we’re a couple he can touch me whenever he wants

No! He cannot!

He sexually assaulted you.

You have every right to say no, even if in a relationship.

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP.

You need to recalibrate your boundaries.

[EarthSight]

I'm sorry OP, but to me this is sexual assault. I think you're not quite sure how you feel right now because you're in shock. You might feel confused or vulnerable or upset too, or just numb.

He knows he's stronger than you, he knows he'll always win during this 'play' fighting. It's really play flighting is it when it's not equal at all. It's more like treating you like you're a toy, a plaything and getting high off his own power.

Abusive men will often start with play fighting. It will be a woman who's in a pillow fight where she's slapped across the face (with the pillow because that makes it fine apparently), or it will be the man pinning the woman down for 'fun' and tickling her until she wants to wet herself. It's a way for them to test boundaries.

He's apparently forgotten it already has he?? Oh no he fucking hasn't OP No man forgets something like that. Being clawed at like that for doing something sexual is a visceral experience that is going to stick in his head. He's just pretending he's forgotten and moved on hoping you will too, hoping you will accept this abuse as a normal part of your relationship.

Even if this abuse were just a casual thing to him (as some people have a seriously warped sense of what's normal), that doesn't mean you have to accept it! And it doesn't mean it's good, healthy or acceptable!! People who were brought up in cults might think of certain things as normal, but would you put yourself in a vulnerable position around them just because they think certain things are acceptable?? I don't think so, because your boundries would be where they should be, but here your boundaries have been warped.

I actually ended up clawing and pinching his face and refusing to let go until he’d moved his hand

It was bad enough that he carried on when you protested, but for you to have to resort to this?? You were not overreacting. He sexually assaulted you and he knows it. Now he's tested the waters I wonder how long it will take him to take it a step further.

You know what a lot, if not most abused women have in common? It's the fact they don't leave soon enough. For some reason, warning signals are ignored, often because of self-doubt caused by a bad background or a gaslighting partner, who insists they didn't do what they literally just did, insists their innocent (often convincingly) or are profusely apologetic (when it doesn't take long for them to repeat their unhealthy and damaging behaviour again).

Those women stay for longer than they should because the doubt their own minds or because they hope their partner will change, and then one day, the abuse escalates until they ask themselves 'how on earth did I end up in this situation?'

I believe that you are at the point now that is crucial. If you don't leave, I except worse things to happen to you.

Gather your dignity, pride and leave for a safer, more respectful relationship.

[EarthSight]

It's not really play flighting is it when it's not equal at all*

[Iflyaway]

he’s just usually very good at belittling my feelings

Time to dump this shit. Any man who does not respect your boundaries and respect you as a human being is not worth being in your life.

As a citizen, in normal life would you let anyone disrespect you and your boundaries? No, of course not. Just because you are in a relationship with him does not give him those rights either.

[EarthSight]

@DietCokeChipsAndMayo

No I absolutely do not agree with him thinking he can help himself to my body whenever he feels like it, I just mean he thinks this and I know if I say anything about breaking up or anything he will downplay it and make out like I’m being dramatic because he’s been there 1000s of times so what difference does it make kind of thing
I’m not saying I agree, he’s just usually very good at belittling my feelings and I already know what he’ll say

Really. You could easily use the same reasoning for rape.

I've been there thousands of times, therefore what difference does it make if I penetrate her against her will..........which he already has done here, just not with his penis 😕

I don't care what kind of nice other qualities he has. This is still fucked up, and I really think you're going to end up in A&E one day after he rapes you with his penis. Please, please leave.