Dont know what to do

(49 Posts)
BikerFreya Fri 26-Mar-21 21:59:12

This is something very new for me so please be patient.
Ive always liked reading forums like this one but never before felt the need to ask advice on one.
We've been married since I was 25 and Im coming up 40 this year. We have two lovely boys of 12 and 10 and I really thought my life was settled.
This time in lockdowns, though, has changed things and made me feel insecure and really worried about things.

I really dont know where to start.

Before all this pandemic he used to go out for a lad's night once, sometimes twice, every week. He always used to pay a lot of attention to his appearance before going out and always looked as if he had "stepped out of the tailors window" as my Dad used to say.
This didnt really bother me as he is a hard worker and puts a lot of effort into being a good father.

So he was a good man but Im a bit ashamed to say he seemed to have stopped finding me attractive. We still slept in the same bed but I can count on one hand the number of times we had sex over a long period ...maybe 2 years.

I did try my best to do something about this. I tried to make myself more attractive. I slimmed down to a size 10 wore "nice" things to bed and I tried so hard to make him feel special.

So this was ongoing until the lockdowns started.

Then a change seemed to come over him. He became really irritable with me and the boys and was always checking his phone.
I managed to sneak a look at his phone because I began to think he might have been having an affair.
There arent any suspicious text messages but his internet history has really made me feel shocked sick to my stomach. He has been visiting what are two gay websites. One called fabguys and the other called squirt. They are dating sites and I really dont know what to do about it.
He has been visiting both of them lots of times.
Ive prayed it isnt what it looks like and I cant get the courage to confront him.

OP’s posts: |
Usagi12 Fri 26-Mar-21 22:06:30

I'm sorry you're going through this but it's exactly what it looks like. There's only one reason your husband is on these sites. Xx

N0rthern Fri 26-Mar-21 22:14:27

Sorry OP flowers You must talk to him

Kittykat93 Fri 26-Mar-21 22:17:43

So he hasnt wanted sex with you for years and hes on gay porn and gay dating websites. I dont think theres much to say op..you need to talk to him obviously.

Aquamarine1029 Fri 26-Mar-21 22:19:12

There's only one way this is going, op. Your husband is cheating and his sexuality is clearly not what you thought it was.

You need to speak to him, but you also need to consult with a solicitor. I seriously doubt there's any coming back from this.

dane8 Fri 26-Mar-21 22:20:14

Omg I’m so sorry you must feel devastated to have seen that !

Time to confront, you will drive yourself insane if you don’t.

RandomMess Fri 26-Mar-21 22:21:55

thanks

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BikerFreya Fri 26-Mar-21 22:26:11

I just am finding this so hard to face.

I am usually a confident woman but I'm terrified of raising this with him. He isn't violent I am just so afraid of what he may say.

Its so hard to believe of him and I am praying there is some explanation for it all. Its just horrible though, every time I see him with his phone I wonder if he is on those dating sites.

OP’s posts: |
SteelMack Fri 26-Mar-21 22:28:27

I'm so sorry OP, this is so tough for you.

I know from personal experience of those sites (ex who turned out to be in the closet ... still is actually) was on these sites.

They are for casual hookups, there really is only one reason he would be on those sites.

This must be a terrible shock to you and I wish I could help you xx

RandomMess Fri 26-Mar-21 22:29:28

Before you say anything I would actually get your financial ducks in a row ready for splitting up.

If you have been having sex without condoms you need a STI check.

You must be shell shocked thanks

magnolia55 Fri 26-Mar-21 22:39:13

Huni this is such a difficult situation to be in and no doubt if you confront him he will no doubt get defensive and deny any wrong doing. He will also say you shouldn't be snooping on his phone.
Confrontation is a horrible thing. The best thing I could suggest is to write him a letter and explain what you found and how sad you feel that he can't talk to you about it. I feel a soflty approach would be the best way but hen you need to protect your own feelings too. It's such a difficult predicament

BikerFreya Fri 26-Mar-21 22:45:23

Thanks for the comments and sympathy.
I guess this weekend I need to get some courage. I need to see if my Mum will have the boys over ..maybe on Saturday night / Sunday.
That will give us time to talk if I can face it.
God what a mess. I cant understand it, not one little bit.
Dreading it.

OP’s posts: |
BikerFreya Fri 26-Mar-21 22:48:36

magnolia55

Huni this is such a difficult situation to be in and no doubt if you confront him he will no doubt get defensive and deny any wrong doing. He will also say you shouldn't be snooping on his phone.
Confrontation is a horrible thing. The best thing I could suggest is to write him a letter and explain what you found and how sad you feel that he can't talk to you about it. I feel a soflty approach would be the best way but hen you need to protect your own feelings too. It's such a difficult predicament

Thank you for your kind message. Its really appreciated

OP’s posts: |
Comfortzone Fri 26-Mar-21 22:48:46

So sorry op

I would actually phone him next time he's out of the house during the day and just let him know over the phone that you know - you saw it completely by accident as your phone battery had died so you borrowed his to check something

Tell him to just come home in a few hours when you've both had space and time to figure it out etc after you've had the conversation

Plus this way your boys won't witness you arguing about it - if u take the call in your car outside the house or in the garden or something

But definitely get your financial paperwork etc ready and know your entitlements via the gov website in the even that you do decide to split up.

In some ways letting him go will also give you a new freedom in your life as you have sensed something is wrong for 2 years now. You won't have to waste more hours of your life wondering what's wrong etc

SortingItOut Sat 27-Mar-21 09:47:01

Could you join fabguys, make up an account and then search for him?
On fabguys people verify each other when they have met, you would then be able to confirm if he has cheated.

At the moment you have no proof he is on there and meeting people just that he has googled the sites.

He could easily deny it and say it was an accident and he was looking at something else.

Coming out as gay can still be taboo so if he is gay or bi maybe he needs the family life as a cover for that?

Also get an STI test asap.

Buttonfm Sat 27-Mar-21 09:54:27

I'm so sorry OP, this is going to be difficult for you. I can't offer any advice but I am thinking of you 💐

CodMouth Sat 27-Mar-21 10:14:22

Take photos of the proof with your phone if you can just in case he tries to deny it (when men are caught out 9.99 times out of 10 they try to deny).

Eckhart Sat 27-Mar-21 11:34:32

BikerFreya

I just am finding this so hard to face.

I am usually a confident woman but I'm terrified of raising this with him. He isn't violent I am just so afraid of what he may say.

Its so hard to believe of him and I am praying there is some explanation for it all. Its just horrible though, every time I see him with his phone I wonder if he is on those dating sites.

What is it you're scared of him saying? Specifically?

fearfulexchange Sat 27-Mar-21 12:01:28

Where is your fear...
He has cheated on you?
He is gay / bisexual?
What's happens if / when he 'comes out'?
Your marriage feels like a lie?

At the moment you are confused and in complete limbo. But your gut instincts were correct and somethings going on.
Behaviour speaks a lot louder than words so just continue to follow your gut.

You have needs as well which are not being met, so you need to decide whether this relationship how it is, is enough for you.

I think lockdown has brought to the surface a lot of relationship issues which would have been otherwise brushed over. As difficult and painful as it is somethings got to change.

litterbird Sat 27-Mar-21 18:18:44

I am so sorry OP, I got half way through your post and though he was gay. Due to 2 professions I am in I have many gay friends. Several of them have been married and raised children as they thought this was the correct way to behave and be a part of society that accepts them. Eventually they couldn't live that lie anymore and left the spouses. All of them are now in marriages/partnerships with men. This does not distract from your intense emotions you must feel. Its bad enough having a man mess around with an OW, but for your hubby to mess around with an OM is something very, very difficult to confront and accept at all levels. One thing you must remember, this is not your fault. He knew he was gay a long time ago. He chose to ignore it. You need support from people in RL that you can trust to be there for you when you face this with your hubby. I wish you all the luck in the world and my heart just breaks for you.

BikerFreya Sun 28-Mar-21 20:02:36

Thank you for all the replies to my post.
I bundled the boys off to spend the weekend with their Nan and planned to talk this out with him but I haven't made any progress with him.
First he got angry I had "pried" into his phone history. "How would I like it?" he said.
Then he denied it all and stormed out of the room.
After a while he returned "to clear things up" and was adamant I had it all wrong. According to him he has never been attracted to men and I am mad to think otherwise.
He refused to answer any questions about the 2 websites but I know he has visited them both on lots of occasions. When I pointed this out to him he just clammed up.
Its really difficult to have a conversation with someone who refuses to engage with me.
However, I'm now convinced he has met with men and I'm really tortured thinking about what he may have done with them.
Probably I'm being totally over the top but I just feel I need to know all the details of what he has done and how long its been going on.

I'm trying hard to stay calm but I'm upset and I'm angry at him for what I think he has done and for the way he is just stonewalling me.
For now he is in the spare room and he still has to answer my questions. I cant see any way we can stay together after this but obviously need to take advice.
Thank you again for the replies

OP’s posts: |
litterbird Sun 28-Mar-21 20:11:25

Well done Op for starting to confront him. He clearly is freaking out now as you know and he cant wriggle out of something so clear on the websites. Please could you get to a sexual health clinic and get tested. I dont want to appear dramatic but its best to get checked out, I would say this for someone who's husband had cheated with a woman too. Give him time to step back and think about what you have seen and discovered. I have no idea how he can formulate an excuse for these sites that are in his history. He will stonewall you as he knows the bombshell that is about to explode in his life. He will be outed and he wont know how to deal with this as he has been hiding his true self behind the image of a happily married man with kids. I hope he comes round and gives you the answers. You have every right to feel how you feel. You have every right to ask him everything that has gone on too.

fearfulexchange Sun 28-Mar-21 21:52:03

Sending hugs op.

partyatthepalace Sun 28-Mar-21 22:12:17

So sorry to hear all this OP - well done for the brave conversation. I think you are right to assume he has acted on his feelings with other men. While he processes what’s happened I think you would be sensible to make a list of all assets and then talk to a solicitor about the practicalities of separation. I wouldn’t talk to him about this in advance - he won’t be able to deal with it right now anyway - just get yourself organised so you are prepared to sort things out for you and the kids.

dane8 Sun 28-Mar-21 23:39:50

That must of took a lot of courage to confront him, just deciding what first words to say alone
So well done especially for staying calm 👍
Think I would if lost it

He can only deny it can’t he, he’s not gonna come out with the truth he’s been seeing men
So his anger is because he never thought you would find out, and he’s freaked out
because he hasn’t. a Clue what to say to you so walk off.

Good he’s in the spare room, give you both space
not that you’d probably want him in your bed
I can’t imagine the questions you’ve got going round your head. But please remember
“What you don’t know, can’t hurt you”
Just knowing he’s been hooking up with men is devastating enough, without the ins & outs

Stay strong for you & your kids

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