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Is DH out of order or am I overreacting?

(89 Posts)
utterlymiserable Wed 29-Jul-20 15:47:12

Apologies in advance if this is too long, I just want to give a full picture. I’m not sure whether I’m overreacting, under-reacting or completely in the wrong. I’ve also name changed.

For background I’m married for the second time, first marriage was for 10 years, 15 years together and 3 DC (15, 13 & 11yrs old) Amicable split, still on good terms, both remarried. I’ve been married to my second husband for 4 years, together for 6 with 2 DC (2yrs and 6weeks). My DH has never been married or in a long-term relationship previously and has no other children.

DH suffers with anxiety and depression, he is pro-active about seeking help and is under the care of a psychiatrist and taking anti-ds. It is still a major part of our life and unfortunately he lost his job on the grounds of ill health a couple of years ago. He’s now a SAHD caring for our children. I work full time as a nurse specialist and thankfully earn enough for us to get by relatively comfortably. At the moment I’m on maternity leave but that is still at full pay.

Now to the actual issue. We went through a rocky patch over Christmas and earlier in the year. Lockdown put some extra strain on things initially but it looked as though we were working through things, and even the arrival of the new baby seemed to be bringing us closer. DH tells me he has no sex drive, no libido whatsoever coupled with ED from his meds/depression. Over the last 3 years you can count on one hand how many times we’ve had penetrative sex. That in itself wouldn’t be so terrible if there was any other intimacy or sexual encounters, but it’s dwindled to the point it’s disappeared. My DH isn’t really receptive to any discussion on the matter and has gone on to say that I’m to blame as he feels it’s the only control he has in the relationship.

We’ve been to relate and he walked out midway during the 4th session. Said he felt I was lying to the therapist when answering questions. I don’t think I was but if that‘s what he believes there’s little I can do about it.

Overnight things came to a head. He has been stopping up until 4-5am, whilst he has suffered with insomnia for years, this is later than usual. After he comes to bed, I wake up to feed the baby and notice he’s fallen asleep with his phone unlocked (I don’t usually have any access to his phone) so I snooped.

I found a few things that upset me. Firstly he had been looking at porn with some regularity, that in itself doesn’t bother except for the fact he obviously does have some sort of libido and this is in place of us having a sex life. More upsetting he had a picture of his female best friend, from the waist up, in a lacy bra bodice type thing saved in his photos. He also had sent a message to another female friend telling her how cute and pretty she is, how he likes her style. Then he has been messaging a third female friend, this time in a more platonic way but making comments about female mutual acquaintances that he fancies, and what he’d like to do to them given the chance. He’d also told this friend about our rocky patch but attributed it to the fact I have a gambling problem! That I’ve taken money from my children’s piggy banks to gamble online!! For me this was most shocking, it is pure bullshit. I have an account on an online bingo site but that is all. I just don’t know why he said it, and to have her think I steal from my own children. He talked her about his intention of us splitting once I’d had the baby, again this is the first I’d heard of it. He intends on going back to his parents with our 2 children.

I was really upset so I woke him up to confront. He said the picture of his friend was out there deliberately as he thought I might snoop??! The flirty message to the other friend was to boost her confidence as she had been feeling low. And the conversation with the third friend was accurate because I am secretive with money! But he didn't address the bit about him leaving.

The money issue relates back to him being upset I opened a help to buy ISA in my name only and didn’t tell him I’d opened it for a couple of months. I didn’t intentionally keep it a secret, the money comes out of my wage soon as I get paid and I didn’t give it much thought. It's not akin to a gambling problem, unless he genuinely thinks that's what I'm doing with the money?

He went off on one shouting, he shoved me and then shouted down my ear. Saying I’m accusing him of things he hasn’t done and what’s the point him explaining I don’t listen to him anyway. This argument went on until around 7am, I got up with the kids and now he’s upstairs sleeping.

Am I making too much this? I know I shouldn’t have looked on his phone. The shoving and the shouting are unacceptable, I know, but then he said if he was truly violent he would have punched me so I’m over-reacting again. He’s got me doubting myself over everything.

OP’s posts: |
AnneLovesGilbert Wed 29-Jul-20 15:51:16

I’d report him to the police. He’s violent and dangerous. He’s not safe to be around you or your children.

userabcname Wed 29-Jul-20 15:54:49

Woah, so he can lie and cheat and be physically aggressive but you should just be grateful he doesn't punch you??! Nope. I'd be out of there asap if I were you OP. He's an arsehole.

Shoxfordian Wed 29-Jul-20 15:56:35

Are you supposed to be happy he didn't punch you? Agree with Anne, you should call the police and get him out of your life

Feralkidsatthecampsite Wed 29-Jul-20 15:59:21

You need rid of him op. The police can help you with that.
The intention to take your dc with him disgusts me.

namechange12a Wed 29-Jul-20 15:59:43

OP he sounds like a scum bag. The only reason I'd advise someone to stay with someone like this is so that some other woman won't end up with him. Telling people you steal from your children's piggy banks to gamble is just disgusting.

He could have done permanent damage to your ear, he's regularly masturbating and making excuses about sex - doubt he's looking at porn for the story lines. He's making up stories about your relationship, telling people details of your private life and he's discussing having sex with other women.

He's using DARVO in his response. He was found out, so his response is to lie, deny, point the finger at you and twist it.

EmotionalFlood Wed 29-Jul-20 16:00:39

Red flags, red flags everywhere... He needs to leave and if he refuses contact the police as he's been violent and threatened to punch you... I wouldn't be letting him sleep. He needs to be removed. If he gets away with this he'll continue to walk all over you! The lies, the betrayal, you've been more than supportive and patient. I'd be concerned what he has planned next, sounds like he's planting suspicion to try and take the children in the split...

Toilenstripes Wed 29-Jul-20 16:01:12

Get out ASAP. Then report him to the police. He’s violent and dangerous, and the rest of it doesn’t even matter. Just get someplace safe. Then divorce his pathetic, lying ass.

5363738383j Wed 29-Jul-20 16:05:46

You know this is all toxic. For someone so fragile he's awfully good at looking out for himself and turning everything back on you.

I'm concerned he will have residential care of your children because he is the primary caregiver.

FritataPatate Wed 29-Jul-20 16:05:57

You are UNDER-reacting!
flowers

utterlymiserable Wed 29-Jul-20 16:13:14

He just makes it sound like I'm being over the top and dramatic. It's the first time in 6 years that he's ever done anything physical but I suppose there is always a first time?? The physical aggression is so out of character. In fact the whole thing has blindsided me to be honest.

His friend on the phone told him to watch out for me being manipulative with him! But that's all based on this rhetoric of me being some sort of compulsive gambler. What must his friends think of me if this is what he's saying and why is he saying these things?!

I'm upset but also annoyed. I can hear him snoring upstairs whilst I keep the house as kids sorted. If I challenge that he'll say it's his response to conflict due to his mental health.

OP’s posts: |
utterlymiserable Wed 29-Jul-20 16:16:06

He's not taking my children anywhere, no way on this planet I could allow that.

I'm going to google DARVO, I've not heard the term before.

OP’s posts: |
WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo Wed 29-Jul-20 16:21:45

This useless layabout is wanking to porn while telling you he has no libido, texting other women sexually and telling them lies about you. He's also planning to leave as soon as he can and take your babies with him (no doubt so he gets child support from you). Id be speaking to lawyers, not him.

utterlymiserable Wed 29-Jul-20 16:24:55

Just read up on the acronym DARVO.

That sums it up, it's exactly how it played out.

I'm can't stop crying now thinking of the children and what a mess this all is

OP’s posts: |
TeaAndHobnob Wed 29-Jul-20 16:26:09

But if he's SAHD then he could argue for more residency of the children than you, more money from the divorce etc etc.

I think if you see yourselves splitting then you need to press the nuclear button - call the police, get him out of the house, get him charged.

It's awful I know, but where will it end otherwise? He thinks with such a young baby you'll put up with this. Time to give him the shock of his life.

BumbleBeee69 Wed 29-Jul-20 16:30:38

I agree... you are under reacting OP.. get this filth out of you and your childrens lives flowers

PlanDeRaccordement Wed 29-Jul-20 16:39:03

Or alternatvely it’s a horrible crossed wires situation.

Anti depressants do cause ED. He may be viewing porn in an effort to self cure his ED. Just because he’s viewing porn doesn’t mean he’s getting anywhere.

Bingo= gambling and Secret ISA= unexplained sums of money
disappearing. So he’s feared or thought the worst of you.

You snooped and saw a few messages with lacy bra woman and his fears the money is all going to your online bingo gambling habit, so you now think the worst of him.

Cue waking someone up to confront.

The relationship is doomed if you both think the worst of each other even if you’re both innocent. Him shoving you is unacceptable and that’s the only thing that stands out to me as reason for ending things. You have to decide if a half asleep stressed and depressed person confronted with these things deserves a one time pass or not.

anonnnnni Wed 29-Jul-20 16:39:06

Make immediate plans to kick him out, OP

CrazyToast Wed 29-Jul-20 16:40:42

Wow no way are you being unreasonable. He has pretty much cheated, lied, let you down, kept you in a sexless marriage, had you running round after him, then been abusive and violent when you try to address it.

He wouldn't get the kids. Leave him.

JoeCalFuckingZaghe Wed 29-Jul-20 16:44:39

Or alternatvely it’s a horrible crossed wires situation.
What wires were crossed when he physically assaulted her?

utterlymiserable Wed 29-Jul-20 16:44:51

Thank you all for your replies, the fact you all took time out to read and offer advice means a lot.

OP’s posts: |
Rollergirl11 Wed 29-Jul-20 16:46:26

@PlanDeRaccordement are you actually for real??! He’s sleepy and depressed so the OP should excuse her DH’s abusive behaviour??

MizMoonshine Wed 29-Jul-20 16:46:55

Jesus, OP. I'm sorry you're having to put up with this.
Your DH is a piece of shit using mental health as a cover for his being a piece of shit. He's not a good partner. He's lying to you and about you, he's now had a physical outburst because you've called him on his bullshit and is trying to gaslight you and convince you that you are over reacting.

He didn't leave that picture for your snooping. He's changing the narrative to make you look controlling.

You should call the police regarding the violence, get that out there, and get him out of the house. Arrange childcare for your children so he doesn't have grounds as the main caretaker.

Fuck this guy.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo Wed 29-Jul-20 16:48:42

PlanDeRaccordement

Or alternatvely it’s a horrible crossed wires situation.

Anti depressants do cause ED. He may be viewing porn in an effort to self cure his ED. Just because he’s viewing porn doesn’t mean he’s getting anywhere.

Bingo= gambling and Secret ISA= unexplained sums of money
disappearing. So he’s feared or thought the worst of you.

You snooped and saw a few messages with lacy bra woman and his fears the money is all going to your online bingo gambling habit, so you now think the worst of him.

Cue waking someone up to confront.

The relationship is doomed if you both think the worst of each other even if you’re both innocent. Him shoving you is unacceptable and that’s the only thing that stands out to me as reason for ending things. You have to decide if a half asleep stressed and depressed person confronted with these things deserves a one time pass or not.

Arent there other forums more suitable for mens rights activists? Like pretty much everywhere else on the internet - or is not that good enough gotta get it in here as well?

Techway Wed 29-Jul-20 16:50:36

I'm so sorry this is awful for you. He is highly manipulative and the withholding sex is passive aggressive.

It is very common for an abusive partner to smear their spouse before leaving. It is done to protect his image. I had similar, found an email to Ex's friend saying I was refusing to pay off the mortgage "as wanted to keep us in debt" He friend was bewildered so allows Ex to be the victim. Reality was so different! The extent of his lies was breathtaking and shocked me to the core.

OK, so now you need to not react but plan in secret. Don't confront him anymore as it won't do any good. What he is accusing you of is what he is doing. It is projection. Listen and use a journal to record your thoughts.

What is the housing situation? I would get some legal advice but please don't be open with this. Stupidly I thought we could separate amicably but he used my openess against me. He has shown he is devious so don't trust him.

Did he appear wonderful, charming at the outset? When did it change? People who display his characteristics are often covert or vulnerable narcissists. Might help you to understand what is happening however abuse isn't rational and it usually gets worse unfortunately.

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