Is DH out of order or am I overreacting?

[utterlymiserable]

Apologies in advance if this is too long, I just want to give a full picture. I’m not sure whether I’m overreacting, under-reacting or completely in the wrong. I’ve also name changed.

For background I’m married for the second time, first marriage was for 10 years, 15 years together and 3 DC (15, 13 & 11yrs old) Amicable split, still on good terms, both remarried. I’ve been married to my second husband for 4 years, together for 6 with 2 DC (2yrs and 6weeks). My DH has never been married or in a long-term relationship previously and has no other children.

DH suffers with anxiety and depression, he is pro-active about seeking help and is under the care of a psychiatrist and taking anti-ds. It is still a major part of our life and unfortunately he lost his job on the grounds of ill health a couple of years ago. He’s now a SAHD caring for our children. I work full time as a nurse specialist and thankfully earn enough for us to get by relatively comfortably. At the moment I’m on maternity leave but that is still at full pay.

Now to the actual issue. We went through a rocky patch over Christmas and earlier in the year. Lockdown put some extra strain on things initially but it looked as though we were working through things, and even the arrival of the new baby seemed to be bringing us closer. DH tells me he has no sex drive, no libido whatsoever coupled with ED from his meds/depression. Over the last 3 years you can count on one hand how many times we’ve had penetrative sex. That in itself wouldn’t be so terrible if there was any other intimacy or sexual encounters, but it’s dwindled to the point it’s disappeared. My DH isn’t really receptive to any discussion on the matter and has gone on to say that I’m to blame as he feels it’s the only control he has in the relationship.

We’ve been to relate and he walked out midway during the 4th session. Said he felt I was lying to the therapist when answering questions. I don’t think I was but if that‘s what he believes there’s little I can do about it.

Overnight things came to a head. He has been stopping up until 4-5am, whilst he has suffered with insomnia for years, this is later than usual. After he comes to bed, I wake up to feed the baby and notice he’s fallen asleep with his phone unlocked (I don’t usually have any access to his phone) so I snooped.

I found a few things that upset me. Firstly he had been looking at porn with some regularity, that in itself doesn’t bother except for the fact he obviously does have some sort of libido and this is in place of us having a sex life. More upsetting he had a picture of his female best friend, from the waist up, in a lacy bra bodice type thing saved in his photos. He also had sent a message to another female friend telling her how cute and pretty she is, how he likes her style. Then he has been messaging a third female friend, this time in a more platonic way but making comments about female mutual acquaintances that he fancies, and what he’d like to do to them given the chance. He’d also told this friend about our rocky patch but attributed it to the fact I have a gambling problem! That I’ve taken money from my children’s piggy banks to gamble online!! For me this was most shocking, it is pure bullshit. I have an account on an online bingo site but that is all. I just don’t know why he said it, and to have her think I steal from my own children. He talked her about his intention of us splitting once I’d had the baby, again this is the first I’d heard of it. He intends on going back to his parents with our 2 children.

I was really upset so I woke him up to confront. He said the picture of his friend was out there deliberately as he thought I might snoop??! The flirty message to the other friend was to boost her confidence as she had been feeling low. And the conversation with the third friend was accurate because I am secretive with money! But he didn't address the bit about him leaving.

The money issue relates back to him being upset I opened a help to buy ISA in my name only and didn’t tell him I’d opened it for a couple of months. I didn’t intentionally keep it a secret, the money comes out of my wage soon as I get paid and I didn’t give it much thought. It's not akin to a gambling problem, unless he genuinely thinks that's what I'm doing with the money?

He went off on one shouting, he shoved me and then shouted down my ear. Saying I’m accusing him of things he hasn’t done and what’s the point him explaining I don’t listen to him anyway. This argument went on until around 7am, I got up with the kids and now he’s upstairs sleeping.

Am I making too much this? I know I shouldn’t have looked on his phone. The shoving and the shouting are unacceptable, I know, but then he said if he was truly violent he would have punched me so I’m over-reacting again. He’s got me doubting myself over everything.

[EarringsandLipstick]

@utterlymiserable

Just wondering how you are? Have been thinking of you.

[Cloudspotter]

OP, sadly I agree with the other posters, that his behaviour is beyond the pale.

It's so hard for us, when we care for someone, to see it objectively. It's much easier to go back into denial and keep pretending it's going to work out.

I'm so sad for you but it sounds like he's taking advantage of your good nature. You've cared for him, supported him etc. The fact that he's flirting with other women and telling them lies is a real red flag, as is the fact that he's then "gaslighting" you, making you doubt yourself.

I find it really hard to think straight around people like that because I like to trust people and take them at face value. Sadly I've learnt the hard way that not everyone has your best interests at heart.

Please take this thread as confirmation that your instincts are right.

Xxxx

[dublingirl66]

Poor you my piece of shit ex did similar

I worried about his mental state and it took a while to report the abuse
Big mistake

Stay strong
Get out
And get to the police ASAP

[LexMitior]

Stop listening to his bs. Look at his behaviour. How does he behave? He pushes you, tell lies to other women (and others likely) and paints himself the victim.

So when or if you get divorced you had better have got this behaviour down officially or you will be the victim of this aggressive bollocks he does.

He sounds like a powder keg, ready to explode. Report it all. You will be glad you did.

[Horsemad]

Can you return to work earlier and get childcare put in place for the DC so he is no longer the primary carer?

And contact the police, so there's a record of his aggression...

[Isthisit22]

How are things OP?

[Ohnoducks]

He assaulted you and right now if he leaves he is primary carer of the children, so he would have them most of the time, and you would need to pay him maintenance. This is someone who lies and is violent, no chance I would be risking loosing my kids to him even if I could minimise what he did to me personally. Report his violence to the police, get the report in place so that if things do come to a head you have a strong reason to fight for being the primary carer.

[Chungus]

The stuff on his phone would have been more than enough for me to leave.

[MactheRover]

OP you might be ready to forgive some of this shit but the thing you won't be able to ever forgive is the possibility of him wanting to take your children. For this reason alone I would involve the police. The shove, the attempt to damage your hearing and the talk of punching are enough to be going on with. So sorry this is happening.

[Hamm87]

The marriage is over has been for a while he should not have pushed you but you shouldn't have went though his phone and the woke him up so he wouldn't be thinking clearly you sound as toxic as each other really and he need to sort his mental heath which will only get worse staying at home and not working. Also sounds like he is getting evidence to get custody of his kids who he is the main carer too

[Beautiful3]

I dont think it's much of a life staying with him. He walks out of counselling sessions, doesn't want to sleep with you but watches porn and chats to other women?! You cannot live like this, kick him out to his parents.

[Boopthesnoot1]

He is making you think YOU are the problem, you are not the problem, he is. You're not overreacting, you are being manipulated to think you are. I would call the police and get him away from you.

[KickAssAngel]

When a man says it's not like he hit you, that makes them believe that they're not actually abusive, and reminds you that they could if they wanted to. He's opened the door to the possibility of him pushing you.
It's likely that he'll be super nice for a while now, but the threat if violence will still be there. If he can't talk about this honestly with you then there's little hope of this getting better.

[Gildedbrooks]

Look you've both been keeping stuff from each other. His sexual, yours financial. The intimacy has gone out the window and with it the trust in each other. Neither of you feel on safe ground and now the shoving has started. I don't see a way back.

[monkeymonkey2010]

My DH has never been married or in a long-term relationship previously and has no other children
I think this probably has a lot to do with his depression and not knowing how to 'handle' change.

You already had 3 kids when he got with you, but i'm guessing he didn't feel the same expectation to 'step up' as they weren't his kids.
Now he's got two of his own he still can't get his shit together.

It sounds like he has a drink problem too.....and he lives in a 'secret' fantasy land where he thinks up scenarios that make him feel better/in control.
Unfortunately, they're not just musings and daydreams - he started bringing them into THIS reality by telling people and 'solidifying' his 'case'... and has now also escalated to physical aggression - is that just out of control anger or deliberate to further 'create' his warped reality???

Either way you and the kids are NOT safe whilst he's in the home.

[EarringsandLipstick]

Oh God OP, so much familiarity here.

we went through all that together. I supported him, made sure he knew that's his health came before any job.

You 'minded' him, made him feel centre of attention (all done for the best possible reasons, I know).

However, when you had your children with him, your time is limited to indulge him. You are taking care of 5 children, working ...

His escalation and mistreatment of you (even before assault) is all designed to erode you & your self-esteem in periods of vulnerability.

Please, don't wait. Take action now.

[Mseddy]

@utterlymiserable from one nurse to another I know the level of safeguarding training we get. Please write all this down (or re-read your original post) and think about it very black and white as if you where filling out a safeguarding referal. Try and take your emotion out of it for a moment (near on impossible I know) and imagine this is one of your patients. Would you be worried enough to escalate this to safeguarding? Of corse you would. I think we as nurses have a culture where we think this doesn't happen to us because we have so much education around it, so how would I let myself end up in this situation? You need to protect you and your kids before he escalates any further. The I didn't punch you comment is what alarms me the most. He thinks as long as he doesn't get fisty anything else is fine?!

[utterlymiserable]

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

He had a few meetings with HR while off sick which they conducted as home visits, I was present at these as his support. He couldn't get near the workplace without triggering a panic attack so all attempts at phased returns were futile. The work place and in particular his manager were really good. I don't think there was much else they could have offered.

You see, this is the thing ... we went through all that together. I supported him, made sure he knew that's his health came before any job. That he wasn't letting anyone down he just had to concentrate on getting well again. And in turn, he talked and confided in me, we had intimacy.

Then our DC came along and we gradually lost it all. If it was just a case of the two of us drifting apart due to newborns and toddlers, I can understand and work with that. It's why we went to relate. However, I can't stomach him talking (trying it on with?) other women now he feels a bit better mentally.

Then for him to flip when caught out, to take no responsibility try to lie and bully his way out of the corner he perceives himself to be in is too much.

No apology or 'I was being thoughtless' ... nope, I get deflection and aggression.

[carly2803]

dropkick that fucker out the door

your name is on the tenancy?! pack him a bag, change the locks and throw him out

today

[carly2803]

dropkick that fucker out the door

your name is on the tenancy?! pack him a bag, change the locks and throw him out

today

[EvenMoreFuriousVexation]

As you are married, my understanding is that the house is the marital home and you'll have a hard job getting him out without police involvement. For that reason alone I'd report his assault to the police along with his intention to take your baby without permission.

His attitude is not going to improve and he seems determined to create a narrative making himself the victim with you as his tormentor.

When you reflect back, do you think he really was as successful as he made out - or could it have been a load of bullshit and his employers actually terminated him for conduct or capability rather than ill health? Dismissal for a disability (which long term MH problems falls under) is a legal minefield which most companies strive to avoid, even the worst profit hungry bastards, because they very often result in legal action.

[RandomMess]

So a depressive that is alcohol dependent...

He isn't going to change unless he addresses his alcohol issue and then his MH/anxiety.

[Divorcedatlast]

Aaah I could have put money on that.
Does he realise that pouring a depressant into himself is going to ruin his mental health. The incident with my exH was the trigger for him to give up alcohol and cannabis and he sought help through NA, he did a lot to improve but unfortunately I could never get past his behaviour.
I can guarantee alcohol will play a huge part in his mood and mental health - doesn’t matter that it’s only at night the effects on his mental health will be ongoing

[GilbertMarkham]

He does drink excessively at night. He'll drink whisky and red wine a couple of generous glasses of each. But the kids are in bed and he never drinks in the day.

Would still affect his ability to safely, energetically and conscientiously parent & care for children the next day though.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

He's using the lies to try to gain sympathy from his female friend. And there's really only one reason he'd do that -

I bet he's not pouring out these lies to his male friends, is he?