Is DH out of order or am I overreacting?

[utterlymiserable]

Apologies in advance if this is too long, I just want to give a full picture. I’m not sure whether I’m overreacting, under-reacting or completely in the wrong. I’ve also name changed.

For background I’m married for the second time, first marriage was for 10 years, 15 years together and 3 DC (15, 13 & 11yrs old) Amicable split, still on good terms, both remarried. I’ve been married to my second husband for 4 years, together for 6 with 2 DC (2yrs and 6weeks). My DH has never been married or in a long-term relationship previously and has no other children.

DH suffers with anxiety and depression, he is pro-active about seeking help and is under the care of a psychiatrist and taking anti-ds. It is still a major part of our life and unfortunately he lost his job on the grounds of ill health a couple of years ago. He’s now a SAHD caring for our children. I work full time as a nurse specialist and thankfully earn enough for us to get by relatively comfortably. At the moment I’m on maternity leave but that is still at full pay.

Now to the actual issue. We went through a rocky patch over Christmas and earlier in the year. Lockdown put some extra strain on things initially but it looked as though we were working through things, and even the arrival of the new baby seemed to be bringing us closer. DH tells me he has no sex drive, no libido whatsoever coupled with ED from his meds/depression. Over the last 3 years you can count on one hand how many times we’ve had penetrative sex. That in itself wouldn’t be so terrible if there was any other intimacy or sexual encounters, but it’s dwindled to the point it’s disappeared. My DH isn’t really receptive to any discussion on the matter and has gone on to say that I’m to blame as he feels it’s the only control he has in the relationship.

We’ve been to relate and he walked out midway during the 4th session. Said he felt I was lying to the therapist when answering questions. I don’t think I was but if that‘s what he believes there’s little I can do about it.

Overnight things came to a head. He has been stopping up until 4-5am, whilst he has suffered with insomnia for years, this is later than usual. After he comes to bed, I wake up to feed the baby and notice he’s fallen asleep with his phone unlocked (I don’t usually have any access to his phone) so I snooped.

I found a few things that upset me. Firstly he had been looking at porn with some regularity, that in itself doesn’t bother except for the fact he obviously does have some sort of libido and this is in place of us having a sex life. More upsetting he had a picture of his female best friend, from the waist up, in a lacy bra bodice type thing saved in his photos. He also had sent a message to another female friend telling her how cute and pretty she is, how he likes her style. Then he has been messaging a third female friend, this time in a more platonic way but making comments about female mutual acquaintances that he fancies, and what he’d like to do to them given the chance. He’d also told this friend about our rocky patch but attributed it to the fact I have a gambling problem! That I’ve taken money from my children’s piggy banks to gamble online!! For me this was most shocking, it is pure bullshit. I have an account on an online bingo site but that is all. I just don’t know why he said it, and to have her think I steal from my own children. He talked her about his intention of us splitting once I’d had the baby, again this is the first I’d heard of it. He intends on going back to his parents with our 2 children.

I was really upset so I woke him up to confront. He said the picture of his friend was out there deliberately as he thought I might snoop??! The flirty message to the other friend was to boost her confidence as she had been feeling low. And the conversation with the third friend was accurate because I am secretive with money! But he didn't address the bit about him leaving.

The money issue relates back to him being upset I opened a help to buy ISA in my name only and didn’t tell him I’d opened it for a couple of months. I didn’t intentionally keep it a secret, the money comes out of my wage soon as I get paid and I didn’t give it much thought. It's not akin to a gambling problem, unless he genuinely thinks that's what I'm doing with the money?

He went off on one shouting, he shoved me and then shouted down my ear. Saying I’m accusing him of things he hasn’t done and what’s the point him explaining I don’t listen to him anyway. This argument went on until around 7am, I got up with the kids and now he’s upstairs sleeping.

Am I making too much this? I know I shouldn’t have looked on his phone. The shoving and the shouting are unacceptable, I know, but then he said if he was truly violent he would have punched me so I’m over-reacting again. He’s got me doubting myself over everything.

[GilbertMarkham]

I think if you see yourselves splitting then you need to press the nuclear button - call the police, get him out of the house, get him charged.

This.

[bythehairsonmychinichinchin]

I agree with a previous poster. He sounds like a lazy, manipulate, controlling piece of 💩 using his poor mental health as a cover for being a not very nice person.

I’d make plans to kick his sorry arse out of your home. If he does try to get residency for your children on the grounds that he’s a stay at home parent, you could cite that due to his poor mental health and emotional abuse you don’t feel safe leaving your children in his care. Plus I’m not sure how legal and solicitors fees work for divorce, but I expect if he’s currently not working he’d struggle to take you to court.

[Rollergirl11]

@utterlymiserable just for clarity, do your children from your first marriage also live with you or is it just the DC with DH that are in the house?

[YgritteSnow]

@PlanDeRaccordement your post is actually dangerous. OP I beg you to ignore that person.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo
I’m a feminist. I just don’t assume a SAHD is a “useless layabout”
If anything you sound very old fashioned with your contempt for SAHDs.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

[quote YgritteSnow]@PlanDeRaccordement your post is actually dangerous. OP I beg you to ignore that person. [/quote]
No it’s not “actually dangerous”
It’s just another perspective. OP can take it or leave it.
A 2hr row is going to involve shouting, her husband has never touched her before. The shove was completely out of order & character, so don’t make out like he’s a serial wife beater.

[BarbedBloom]

He is a SAHD so will likely end up remaining in the house with the children if you split. He assaulted you, report it and get him charged. If he lost it with you he could also lose it with them

[RandomMess]

I think him walking out of your Relate session says he has no interest in saving the marriage, so don't waste time or effort on anything but splitting up.

[GilbertMarkham]

you could cite that due to his poor mental health and emotional abuse you don’t feel safe leaving your children in his care.

And the physical attack/abuse, above all.

[utterlymiserable]

When we met he was really outgoing and confident, he worked in the entertainment industry with the public. He was open about his history of depression and he had been on anti ds for years.

His anxiety and depression really ramped up shortly before I gave birth to our first DC. One of his triggers is change and I suppose you can't get much bigger than the arrival of your first child. He had to change meds several times to get back under control and he was let go from work in the process, he'd been there 20years, so that too was a big adjustment.

All through that we were good, I supported him and he communicated his feelings with me. Things went downhill from there, I don't know whether losing his job created this feeling of inadequacy or which fed the depression or whether I'm just looking for excuses.

[Isthisit22]

You should call the police and report the shoving immediately otherwise you are risking him gaining residency of your 2 youngest children with him being SAHD. Think very carefully about what you are doing.
You seem to have already put up with so much shit in this relationship. Now he has cheated on you with multiple sexual messages, lied about you in an awful way that makes you look terrible and then assaulted you.
Time to act, otherwise this scumbag is going to cause you some serious pain and trouble.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

You are looking for excuses and really all they do is explain the behaviour, they don’t excuse it. Him shoving you was abusive. You can empathise or understand it caused by depression and stress but at the end of the day if you feel like this could happen again, you should leave him. Either way, you should report the shove.
It’s irrelevant whether he is innocent or guilty of the other stuff, there is never enough reason to physically shove someone.

[utterlymiserable]

@Rollergirl11

All the children live at home with me, we rent a 4 bedroom house. I'm the sole tennant, if that makes a difference to who has to leave?

[Laundrywoman]

@PlanDeRaccordement

Ok
I did not excuse him shoving OP. I specifically said that is unacceptable. It’s just that many are assuming the OPs husband is lying about everything. So what is so wrong with my taking the approach that everyone is telling the truth here?
OP is telling truth about not having a gambling habit with her bingo because the money is going to a secret ISA
Her husband is telling truth about his ED and the porn is an attempt at self help.
Why not? None of us are psychic. You lot have no fucking idea whether he is lying or OP is lying. What is wrong about my perspective that has OP abd her husband both telling the truth but thinking the worst of each other?

You missed out the bit where he's telling people Op steals from the children's piggy bank to feed a gambling habit.

[GilbertMarkham]

Emotional abuse will be a he said, she said .. mental state - we'd think it unfair in here if a sahm/main carer was being challenged on being resident parent die to depressin etc.

Go for the physical attack/violence.

[GilbertMarkham]

I'm the sole tennant, if that makes a difference to who has to leave?

I think it means you can ask/insist leaves and he had no.right to stay. If you involved the police I think they'd remove him.

[Rollergirl11]

You missed out the bit where he's telling people Op steals from the children's piggy bank to feed a gambling habit.

Also the bit where he says that he intends to leave the OP with the children after the baby is born.

[GilbertMarkham]

*has no right

[GilbertMarkham]

Also op, make it clear you're going to go for 50-50 residency minimum. Do even if he was officially resident parent, it's split 50-50 .. even he sees how that affects how much child maintenance he can apply for from you, he'll become less enthusiastic about fighting to be the resident parent.

[GilbertMarkham]

You can go in the child maintenance calculator web page, enter your circumstances, and see how much you'd have to pay of he dud manage to get residency for kids ... Depends on number of overnights per year. Only overnights count.

[GilbertMarkham]

Sorry about all the typos there.

[utterlymiserable]

That's the other thing, he speaks about leaving to his friend but there was/is no sign of that in our household?

Our baby is 6 weeks now, I don't know when he was planning on going? We've been getting along nicely, enjoying having the baby. I don't know whether it was more bullshit look for sympathy or attention from his friend?

[utterlymiserable]

*looking for sympathy

[Blanca87]

But op that doesn't matter, he assaulted you. That matters. He has shown utter contempt towards you. That matters. He is planning to take your kids away from you. That matters.

[GilbertMarkham]

If you can get him out with you off on maternity and also a carer to your children (and the sole one of you get him out) you'd imagine he'll be in a much weaker position to claim hrs main carer.

You could go for non molestation order through women's aid/police. My sister got one on basis of one assault.