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Do I rant now or keep it in till a better time?

(33 Posts)
Soconfusedandlost Fri 03-Jul-20 22:25:15

I have previous threads about father to my DS. Brief recap - DS is 20 months, father has never been involved. Was a fling, got pregnant, turns out he'd been going between me and his ex wife. When he found out I was pregnant, he was adamant about keeping the baby and then left me to go back to his ex/now wife. She was verbally abusive to me and he demanded a DNA test. Then never bothered to see the baby until recently asking for my forgiveness and to meet his son. He has split with wife again and apologised for her behaviour, saying he stayed away from DS to try and salvage their relationship. He admitted to having a drink problem so we decided that he could meet DS if he sought help for this.

He has actually checked him into hospital for detox treatment which is a big step that I didn't think he'd take. However he keeps saying that we're "family" and how proud he is of what me and DS have been through (DS has ongoing med problems). He also says about how his family want to meet me and DS and make up for lost time welcoming us to the family.

My issue is that I am not his family, I am not and will not be part of that family. My role is to facilitate contact with DS and that's it. I am still so very angry at him for what happened and how he acted, abandoning DS during a very difficult time. Part of me wants to let rip at him. One friend says I should hold off as he is in a vulnerable place. Another friend feels I should do it now as if I hold off and then lose it later, it could be more devastating to him. I'll be honest, I don't feel like the anger will ever go away so just not acknowledging it is not an option. What would you do?

OP’s posts: |
HeddaGarbled Fri 03-Jul-20 23:59:54

Rant to your friends. Ranting at your ex won’t achieve anything useful. Stating your position calmly will be far more effective.

SoulofanAggron Sat 04-Jul-20 00:48:23

I would let him know how you feel ASAP, especially if he's in an inpatient facility now. After leaving the facility his recovery will be more at risk.

But you only have to worry about him to the extent that you want him to be a safe/healthy person for your DS to be around if and when your DS is able.

You owe nothing to him as a person.

Soconfusedandlost Sat 04-Jul-20 09:10:38

@HeddaGarbled I'm sorry I was writing I anger last night. I mean that when he says we're family I want to say "no we're not, this is DS but he isn't family to you until you show you can be family to him. I am not family to you and the others in your family who were content knowing he was in hospital for months but never asking how he was or even coming to see him at the command of your psycho ex can go procreate with themselves if they want to come in now and Cwtchy-coo my DS

OP’s posts: |
Cabinfever10 Sat 04-Jul-20 09:19:10

Tell him calmly but firmly how you feel the very next time he brings it up. If his family wants to be a part of your ds's life they can do it on your exs time not yours. You owe them nothing and they clearly bring nothing to you or your ds.

Thingsdogetbetter Sat 04-Jul-20 09:32:24

I'd go calmly with the first half about you not being his family. He can't expect to jump into playing happies family with you as part of the package just because he wants to erase/excuse his shitty behaviour.

However, you have no idea what the other members of his family were told (not his baby, all a lie etc etc). They may only have just found out about dc, now he's decided to step up.

Once he's proved himself sober and in this for the long term, he can take dc to be welcomed into his family. That does not include you if you don't wish it to.

I fear he's had an addict's epiphany and is now looking to the future with an addict's unrealiatic optimism - all will be perfect when I'm clean and all sins will be erased
Where he thinks he can wipe the slate clean and everything will instantly perfect. He asks for forgiveness, so the people he wronged forgive AND forget and the world is perfect with family bbqs, bonding and happiness all round.

Soconfusedandlost Sat 04-Jul-20 10:57:48

They knew he was the father. They said at the time that they would stand by him as their brother and not see the child either. I am willing to forgive but can't forget what we went through while they all ignored us. This is why I'm angry

OP’s posts: |
PAND0RA Sat 04-Jul-20 11:03:23

You don’t ow him anything, let alone being his support human. You have a full time job looking after your child and yourself.

Stop taking to him about anything except his contact with DS. As he’s in an inpatient facility right not that’s not possible. Tell him to email you when he gets out.

Think about how his contact with DS should be supervised. Will you use a contact centre ?

Have you taken legal advice?

You need to accept that once he has unsupervised contact with your DS then he can take him to see his family. However you don’t have to take any part of this, it happens on his time.

Soconfusedandlost Sat 04-Jul-20 13:25:04

@PAND0RA not taken legal advice. I don't want to battle him. I'm willing to leave the past where it was, I'll supervise his visits until I'm confident that my DS is safe and will thrive with his input. I don't object to DS meeting his family.

My objection is to his assumption that we're going to do family things together and his family will be my friends and be close.

OP’s posts: |
Honeyroar Sat 04-Jul-20 14:23:56

I’d tell him that you were disappointed and slightly disgusted at how they dropped your DS. Tell him he’s got a lot of making up to do to him in the future. Tell him you or the court can work out how to move forward so DS can get to know him and his family. But add that you are nothing to do with him or his family so please stop saying you’re a family. You aren’t and never will be.

Dacquoise Sat 04-Jul-20 21:46:05

Hi @Soconfusedandlost, you very understandably feel anger towards this man for the callous betrayal of you when you were vulnerable and needed his support. Now he is in a vulnerable position he wants you to put that aside , understand him and support a fantasy he has created about you and his child. Perhaps the best place to deal with your feelings safely is through some counselling. You shouldn't have to suppress your feelings for his sake.

Oldraver Sat 04-Jul-20 22:34:48

I would just play it cool, yes if he goes on about saying your a family you can tell him you're not

Frankly I think he is in an alcohol fuddled state of delusion. Tell him when he's sober he can start to work towards contact

CodenameVillanelle Sat 04-Jul-20 22:39:35

So he's in recovery - good for him, but that doesn't mean you don't tell him how it is. If he calls you 'family' then firmly say 'we are not family, you are DS' father and your family are his relatives but you are no more than that to me'
Make it clear that any relationship between DS and his family is for him to facilitate during his contact time (in the future, when he actually has unsupervised time with him)
You don't need to rant but equally too don't have to put up with his bullshit because he's in recovery.

Soconfusedandlost Sat 04-Jul-20 22:55:54

Thank you. I've tried to be let the past be the last because it's in best interests of DS. He is young enough that if his father disappears again, he won't have much memory of it.

I don't want us to get too entangled with his family either as when we were together I was unaware of his ex wife being in the picture. He mentioned her in passing as he was still seeing his 2 stepsons but that was it. By all accounts, they have a toxic on and off relationship, very dramatic and fiery. I only found this out afterwards hence why I didn't press for contact, was happy to drop him like a shitty stick. I know he will go back there and don't want to be dragged into all the drama like I was while pregnant.

Good ideas tho to calmly state that he is DS father and his family are his relatives but there are no links to me and should be kept separately from the beginning

OP’s posts: |
PAND0RA Sun 05-Jul-20 11:27:32

My objection is to his assumption that we're going to do family things together and his family will be my friends and be close

You are not bound, legally or morally, by his assumptions. You don’t need to correct his thoughts. How do you even know what he’s thinking or assuming if you are not talking to him or reading texts and emails ?

You are too caught up with him and what he wants or thinks. He’s your ex, you need to detach. Only deal with him to arrange contact about DS.

He’s still using you and you are letting it happen.

Please think about going for some counselling. I mean alone, about you. And no you don’t need his permission, you just phone up and book it.

If he has parental rights to your child, how are you going to insist on supervising contact ?

And why would your getting legal advice mean battling him ? You don’t need his permission to do so.

Soconfusedandlost Sun 05-Jul-20 12:16:04

@PAND0RA apologies I probably should have mentioned he has no PR. he's not on birth certificate.

OP’s posts: |
PAND0RA Sun 05-Jul-20 12:33:21

Ok so he has no PR now but he could get it if he wanted to.

So why are you having this constant communication with him while he’s in hospital ? Since he’s your ex.

billy1966 Sun 05-Jul-20 12:34:16

OP,
His little fantasies are his alone.

Your instincts are correct to not get entangled.

I agree with posters above, counselling would be good for you.

Your anger is completely understandable.

He is the father of your DS.

If and when you feel he can be alone with your DS, he can then facilitate HIS family.

Until then, they are absolutely NOTHING to you.
They made that very clear with their earlier position.

You sound like a great woman, and a great mother.

Don't let that twat bring you any more grief than he has.
Protect yourself.flowers

GingerBeverage Sun 05-Jul-20 13:10:24

Well done for getting through his abandonment in the first place. You have every right to calmly repeat what you will allow in regards to raising your son.
My feeling is that he is using the utopian vision of your 'family' as a crutch or carrot while going through his rehab. And I would worry that if you don't firmly and repeatedly tell him otherwise that he will choose to blame you if anything goes wrong with relapse later.

Soconfusedandlost Sun 05-Jul-20 17:41:26

@PAND0RA he is contacting me I think as a way of reaching out. He has admitted that he has cut conta t with his drinking friends which appears to be most people to him. I have never been a big drinker (haven't had a drink since March for my friends birthday, prior to that was May 2019 so hardly drink at all) so I am one of the few people he knows that are not an alcohol related relationship.

I think he is using the idea of family as a crutch through his recovery. He contacted me in March (before lockdown) to apologise and ask about DS. I said no contact until sober. Didnt expect but am glad to see he is detoxing but don't want DS to be basis of recovery because he can then blame me if he falls off the wagon

OP’s posts: |
PAND0RA Sun 05-Jul-20 23:57:40

I agree that he’s using you as a crutch. I’m just not sure if that’s the best thing for you.

He has treated you and your innocent child appallingly, you don’t owe him free counselling and support. You risk getting drawn into his dysfunctional thinking, he’s already making you very angry and upset.

It’s not your job to Fix his drinking so he can be a dad to your DS. I fear you will end up back in a codependent relationship with him - there’s a few red flags here.

Leave him to work on his own recovery and develop his own support network. He’s not your responsibility.

Have you visited him in hospital or are you just phoning / texting ? I’m surprised he was able to check into hospital for detox in the middle of a pandemic.

I think you should stop contacting him and seek counselling for yourself.

Soconfusedandlost Mon 06-Jul-20 22:02:03

@PAND0RA I have not visited him. He texts me with updates on detox. I feel sorry for him, he messed things up with DS, a family member died, another is ill and his life just seems to have fallen apart a bit.

OP’s posts: |
PAND0RA Tue 07-Jul-20 00:59:44

I feel sorry for him, he messed things up with DS, a family member died, another is ill and his life just seems to have fallen apart a bit

Exactly. That’s the dangerous bit. You feel sorry for him and he is reeling you back in.

This is the man who:

Cheated on you from day one
Insisted you continue an unplanned pregnancy then left you
Got his wife to verbally abuse and threaten you
Abandoned you and his own Newborn baby
Encouraged his family to reject their own nephew / Grandson
Demanded a DNA test ( because obviously you were cheating on him)

I’m guessing he’s not paid child support either, even though he can afford to go into private hospital for detox, so he has plenty money.

Now he wants you to deliver up your cute baby for him to play happy families with, regardless of the impact that has on you and your DS.

But now YOU feel sorry for HIM? Seriously, he is not a good person. Do not let him back into your life. You are going to get used and hurt again.

MNers often quote Maya Angelou

“ When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time “.

SoloMummy Tue 07-Jul-20 06:46:12

Soconfusedandlost

*@PAND0RA* not taken legal advice. I don't want to battle him. I'm willing to leave the past where it was, I'll supervise his visits until I'm confident that my DS is safe and will thrive with his input. I don't object to DS meeting his family.

My objection is to his assumption that we're going to do family things together and his family will be my friends and be close.

For your own sanity, you need to separate things.

I'd be upfront with him now that you as a 3 are not and never will be a family unit. It sounds as though he believes you'll be a couple otherwise.

His family are lo's also. They've not shown themselves in the best light, but they're the ones who'll need to build a relationship with lo. Your grudges and thoughts are somewhat irrelevant.

Your only priorities are to maintaining yours and Los wellbeing. Given that, I wouldn't be having supportive contact with the ex as it could be misinterpreted. Instead I'd say when ready and in a position to discuss introducing etc, you'll discuss arrangements and schedule outline.

billy1966 Tue 07-Jul-20 08:12:00

Great advice from @Pandora OP.

YOU have enough going on.

He is NOT a good man.

I would NOT allow yourself to be used by him.

Because he is a user.

Focus on your son and yourself and leave him to focus on whatever.

He is setting up a cosy support network in you and your son when he gets out.

Might he suggest he move in for a few weeks so he has somewhere to go?

He's so selfish and self absorbed, I wouldn't be surprised.

Step back from him and leave him to it.

You deserve so much better, as does your son.
flowers

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